NF types and relationships | INFJ Forum

NF types and relationships

Soulful

life is good
Nov 18, 2008
4,999
727
245
MBTI
I'm wondering about NFs and relationship bonding. As I understand, INFJs are said to experience a higher degree of sensitivity to a sense of compatibility between themselves and others than some other types do. Would this also be the case for other NFs? Does an ENFJ's or ESFJ's desire to bond and relate using their dominant function override this sensitivity? Those two in particular seem to like people so much that they're able to enjoy anyone's company as long as those persons don't offend them in some fundamental way. How about ISFJs and Fi-dominant/auxiliary NFs?

What do you think?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gaze
Yeah, I tend to bond with people who are similar to me, and it's only after I've known them for a while that I pick up on the similarities. It's almost like a subconscious draw to someone who is similar to me in particular ways. It's surprising when I think about it, because it's not conscious or intentional. I am selective sometimes about who I interact with but then I am sometimes the last person to realise when I've tried to bond with the wrong person or someone who isn't that compatible.
 
i don't bond. it's not something i was exposed to as a child and really didn't learn to do it.
when i had children i experienced a 'maternal bond', but as they grew and became independent, and individuals, it became less dominant in my relationships with them. i did not fall apart when they left home. i was glad. get out here's a box need a ride?? lol
people sometimes bond with me, but i just don't feel it the way they do. when i am close to someone it's not a possessive personal feeling - it's more like a deeper love that allows for separation. (??)
my partner is a fabulous match for me, and he is an ESFJ. i'm nuts about him but i know i could also go on quite well without him.
 
I've noticed other types I bonded with don't feel it the same intense way as I do.
I've not ever bonded with someone who was an NF - so I wouldn't know how they are.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Soulful and Gaze
Thinking back, all of the serious relationships in my life have been with "Sensors". Something about the "here and now" aspect of their thoughts and the simplicity of it all draws me to them it seems.

I've never had a serious relationship with another NF... and I don't think I would want to! It would be a lot of work for my Ni to deal with! Other people's Ni and Ne are two thing that I form a love/hate relationship with. I get paranoid that they're always trying to analyze me and pry deeper and deeper into what it is that makes me tick... and I'm extremely guarded about who I let in under what circumstance.

I'm sure if their NF and my NF were in tune with one another, it would be an incredible experience, but it can all go so horribly, horribly wrong!!!
 
  • Like
Reactions: invisible
I have a very close friend who is an ENFJ. We're VERY similar - both self-aware, perceptive, good at reading subtleties, spiritually inclined, empathetic, caring and give good advice etc. She is definitely less guarded than I am. She's almost painfully honest and she has a very low tolerance for conflict with people that she really cares about. She's also much more sensual and physical in general. She spends less time journaling than I do (not hard) and more time talking through her ideas with people.

The two of us lived together once and we got so close that it was sort of scary. It's something I still value. We were so attuned to each others moods. It was almost symbiotic. And we both really appreciated the relationship. The only source of conflict would be when I would get upset and withdraw from her. I think she found that really hard to deal with.

It was awesome and we're still good friends years later.

She was less choosy about who she called a "friend" and spent time with but she was just as clear as I am about who her real friends are. She would make a pretty clear distinction and really valued the people who she felt were very compatible with her.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Gaze
I can bond to a degree with anyone.
I was talking to a classmate and they were talking about all of the people they disliked.
I actually liked everyone--some for the reasons that the classmate disliked them.

I can admire something about almost anyone. I rarely dislike anyone and if I do dislike anyone, my mind usually changes after being around them more.
I like the complexity of people. The more time I spend with someone, the more likely I am to grow in my admiration of them even more and develop some sort of relationship with them.
At the same time, I unintentionally hold people at arms length from myself. It's not easy to make friends and tell my stories.
I dated someone for a year and a half on and off who once who told me that they only knew me "in fragments."
But thought I felt a strong bond with him, mental and spiritual.
It probably isn't very fair, but I'm open to others sharing with me, and I don't betray them.. but it's difficult for me to open up and reciprocate.
It takes a long time for me to warm up and establish a truly mutual relationship with someone. I have only one friend that I have maintained since I was a teenager.
There are phases where we are in and out of each others lives, but we always pick up right where we left off.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Gaze
I can bond to a degree with anyone.
I can admire something about almost anyone. I rarely dislike anyone and if I do dislike anyone, my mind usually changes after being around them more.
I like the complexity of people. The more time I spend with someone, the more likely I am to grow in my admiration of them even more and develop some sort of relationship with them.

This part for me as well.

That said, I don’t try to hold people at arms length any more. I like hearing stories and sharing them, and life is better (for me) by being open.

I am a gregarious sort, and I actually enjoy engaging strangers, doing a bit of small talk and really enjoying it for what it is, but also showing a part of me that is beyond the polite and eliciting something back that is as well. When that happens it is just the best — in a culture that is so surface, to just dive deep and express from a vulnerable and intimate place and giving that opportunity to someone else too.

I’m bonded with my beloved. Beyond that, I dunno how to say it — either I’m not bonded with anyone or I am bonded to some degree with everyone I know and who knows me.

I’m an ambivert. :wink:

But friends? I dunno — my sense is that because of how I define what a friend is, I don’t have many friends. My experience is that people in general aren’t into intimacy in the same way I am, and that’s one thing (among others) I want in a friendship. But when someone demonstrates that willingness to share of themselves and receive others in return, and there’s resonance — well, it’s magic.

To some degree my ADHD affects the nature of my relationships and bonding, and that’s for the better and the worse, depending. I’m sure it makes me more attractive to some, and less to others.


cheers,
Ian
 
I would say that my intuition makes it easy to feel bonded to someone I am willing to allow close. My older sister and I have always been close and sometimes it is scary how we can communicate so clearly with one another. We definately have the "twin speak" kinda thing going on with each other and get confused for twins a lot. I have also bonded with other people and I am pretty sure one was an NF. We were very different people but I felt very deep inside my spirit that he understood and saw me for me. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. I don't know if a sensor or an extrovert would have such a bond. I think it would have more to do with the combination of I and N though.

According to Jung
The Extrovert:
His entire consciousness looks outward to the world, because the important and decisive determination always comes to him from without. But it comes to him from without, only because that is where he expects it.

To me, it would seem the extrovert would see the "other" more objectively and as an individual. The "bond" of love or friendship would exist but not in the way an introvert would see it or feel it. The introvert would naturally bring a more subjective view and seek to incorporate the bond to the "other" by relating the "other" more directly to their sense of self. It is the difference of "I see you" (extrovert) and "I see you for how you are me" (introvert).
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ryo
It probably isn't very fair, but I'm open to others sharing with me, and I don't betray them.. but it's difficult for me to open up and reciprocate.
It takes a long time for me to warm up and establish a truly mutual relationship with someone. I have only one friend that I have maintained since I was a teenager.
There are phases where we are in and out of each others lives, but we always pick up right where we left off.

Yeah, this is me. I have a few friends who I've known for ages and it takes me awhile to meet people I can truly connect with on a personal level. I met someone a few months ago who was added to this list but it's usually not easy to find someone I feel sympatico with.


But friends? I dunno
 
Soulful:
I think all NF's long for a soul mate. We are considered the world's Romantics. However, we ge into trouble because we set the bar so high that real people can't get over the top. NF's are the most likely to be disappointed in Love. It's a sad irony.

I was particularly irritated that after spending a couple hours filling out all the various forms and tests at e-Harmony.com that there wasn't one single person in Southern California they could match me with.
 
I can typically bond with anybody. If I get a day where I am stuck with someone they will usually come out of it thinking we have been best friends since childhood even if we just met.
 
Thinking back, all of the serious relationships in my life have been with "Sensors". Something about the "here and now" aspect of their thoughts and the simplicity of it all draws me to them it seems.

I've never had a serious relationship with another NF... and I don't think I would want to! It would be a lot of work for my Ni to deal with! Other people's Ni and Ne are two thing that I form a love/hate relationship with. I get paranoid that they're always trying to analyze me and pry deeper and deeper into what it is that makes me tick... and I'm extremely guarded about who I let in under what circumstance.

I'm sure if their NF and my NF were in tune with one another, it would be an incredible experience, but it can all go so horribly, horribly wrong!!!

this is something I've personally found to be the case as well, particularly among strong Fe users. It's a bone I have with an ENFJ I know; I sometimes feel as though honesty gets short-changed for diplomacy/charisma, and - maybe this a sign of a lack of Ni or Ne - but it has, in the past, left me feeling like I was continually guessing at what was and wasn't said, which was not at all unstressful or enjoyable, particularly when meaningful things were at stake. I've found this to be the case with an ENFP I know, too, though, so maybe it's not an Fe-dom thing.

I can bond to a degree with anyone.
I was talking to a classmate and they were talking about all of the people they disliked.
I actually liked everyone--some for the reasons that the classmate disliked them.

I can admire something about almost anyone. I rarely dislike anyone and if I do dislike anyone, my mind usually changes after being around them more.
I like the complexity of people. The more time I spend with someone, the more likely I am to grow in my admiration of them even more and develop some sort of relationship with them.
At the same time, I unintentionally hold people at arms length from myself. It's not easy to make friends and tell my stories.
I dated someone for a year and a half on and off who once who told me that they only knew me "in fragments."
But thought I felt a strong bond with him, mental and spiritual.
It probably isn't very fair, but I'm open to others sharing with me, and I don't betray them.. but it's difficult for me to open up and reciprocate.
It takes a long time for me to warm up and establish a truly mutual relationship with someone. I have only one friend that I have maintained since I was a teenager.
There are phases where we are in and out of each others lives, but we always pick up right where we left off.

your mind is awesome!
it sounds like a lot of your emotional time/space is spent by yourself? im curious if you get lonely?

I would say that my intuition makes it easy to feel bonded to someone I am willing to allow close. My older sister and I have always been close and sometimes it is scary how we can communicate so clearly with one another. We definately have the "twin speak" kinda thing going on with each other and get confused for twins a lot. I have also bonded with other people and I am pretty sure one was an NF. We were very different people but I felt very deep inside my spirit that he understood and saw me for me. I don't know any other way to be than how I am. I don't know if a sensor or an extrovert would have such a bond. I think it would have more to do with the combination of I and N though.

According to Jung
The Extrovert:
His entire consciousness looks outward to the world, because the important and decisive determination always comes to him from without. But it comes to him from without, only because that is where he expects it.

To me, it would seem the extrovert would see the "other" more objectively and as an individual. The "bond" of love or friendship would exist but not in the way an introvert would see it or feel it. The introvert would naturally bring a more subjective view and seek to incorporate the bond to the "other" by relating the "other" more directly to their sense of self. It is the difference of "I see you" (extrovert) and "I see you for how you are me" (introvert).
i think Ns might have the capacity to perceive others in a way that is more whole than Ss. it feels like they see farther. although maybe i'm an N and therefore biased in that sense.. it seens wonderful though to be acknowledge in such an encompassing way.

do you think relating the other to one's sense of self is potentially an act of Fe (even in introverts) more so than I/E?

Yeah, this is me. I have a few friends who I've known for ages and it takes me awhile to meet people I can truly connect with on a personal level. I met someone a few months ago who was added to this list but it's usually not easy to find someone I feel sympatico with.
in sympatico with -- yeah.. definitely


[MENTION=1451]Billy[/MENTION], do you find this to especially be the case with particular kinds of people?
 
I would say that introversion and extroversion are commonly reduced to this function that relates to how social you are when that isn't just what Jung was speaking of. He was talking about one's orientation to the object. My understanding says that extroverts are concerned with possessing the object--they see it for what it is. It is an orientation without artifice that generally has someone more concerned with exploring the object to see what it is about, how it works and such--a more objective process. It is an active, outward energy expending process. Introverts see the object and seek to understand how the object relates to them. It is an orientation that takes understanding one step further and rather than just understand the object, seeks to incorporate the object into themselves by giving the object subjective value. It is a more complex, inward energy focused process.

Extraverted Feeling would be concerned with recognizing and placing value on the each individual's emotional self

Introverted Feelings would be concerned with understanding and embracing the similiarities of how the other is like them.
I see the type of bonding I described as Fi based.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Soulful
your mind is awesome!
it sounds like a lot of your emotional time/space is spent by yourself? im curious if you get lonely?
Thanks!
I do become lonely sometimes..
Which I suppose I remedy with activities or hobbies..
Or by going and hanging out with someone.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Soulful