[INFJ] Need advice (enfp)

[Mailin]

Hi, I have been learning about mbti and their functions as I am an INFJ and always had many many questions about life which ive been answering thanks to functions to understand myself better. Of course its a forever journey but it helps me out to narrow down information and to keep my emotions less chaotic.

Im currently dating an ENFP who is an angel of a person, however, Ive started to notice a pattern (or maybe it isnt, im confused with this) which I think it has to do with my Fe vs his Fi.

I would appreciate some insight in this as I have none. My relatives and close friends are extremely compassionate (my bf is an ISFJ) and they are always thinking about my needs first as I do with them, however, this might not seem the case with my ENFP, as he seems to process others' feelings in a different way, I dont know if that is related to his Fi or not, as I am kinda lost with this. Dont get me wrong, he is pretty sympathetic with me, if I tell him whats wrong, but he does not seem to notice or know how to act if im not completely specific about it.

It makes me really sad to the point of stress because I really love him, he is awesome in many many ways... but when it comes down to sympathy we do not seem to be the same page. I really hate when I try to speak my mind about this with him because it does not sound nice, also I dont want to criticize him or conditionate him on anything. I feel like a monster because I know he thinks about others just not the way I do or Im used to, however I do feel left out from time to time.. and again, he is a nice guy so Im wondering what can I fix, where am i failing?

I would appreciate any help or insight with this, or me.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

Hi, I have been learning about mbti and their functions as I am an INFJ and always had many many questions about life which ive been answering thanks to functions to understand myself better. Of course its a forever journey but it helps me out to narrow down information and to keep my emotions less chaotic.

Im currently dating an ENFP who is an angel of a person, however, Ive started to notice a pattern (or maybe it isnt, im confused with this) which I think it has to do with my Fe vs his Fi.

I would appreciate some insight in this as I have none. My relatives and close friends are extremely compassionate (my bf is an ISFJ) and they are always thinking about my needs first as I do with them, however, this might not seem the case with my ENFP, as he seems to process others' feelings in a different way, I dont know if that is related to his Fi or not, as I am kinda lost with this. Dont get me wrong, he is pretty sympathetic with me, if I tell him whats wrong, but he does not seem to notice or know how to act if im not completely specific about it.

It makes me really sad to the point of stress because I really love him, he is awesome in many many ways... but when it comes down to sympathy we do not seem to be the same page. I really hate when I try to speak my mind about this with him because it does not sound nice, also I dont want to criticize him or conditionate him on anything. I feel like a monster because I know he thinks about others just not the way I do or Im used to, however I do feel left out from time to time.. and again, he is a nice guy so Im wondering what can I fix, where am i failing?

I would appreciate any help or insight with this, or me.

You indicate that your 'bf' (boyfriend?) is ISFJ, but that you're 'dating' this ENFP - I'm a bit confused by this, but is this correct? You have some arrangement whereby you're dating multiple people?


In any case, this sounds to me like you're not comfortable with his level of attentiveness towards you, and would prefer for him to be able to 'sense' what's wrong with you and act upon that sense. I think this may simply be a miscommunication, since he may simply be used to women who prefer less attentiveness; who prefer more freedom and a more direct form of communication.

You'd be jumping ahead a few steps to go down the road of some kind of comparative personality analysis, when what is required at this stage is the clear communication of your needs. Just tell him that what you prefer is a more attentive approach where he's a bit more 'tuned in' to your feelings; that you would prefer him to act upon those instincts.

There's nothing wrong with this and thinking of it as you trying to 'change' or 'condition' him would be the wrong way to look at it, in my opinion.

 

[Mailin]

Yes sorry if I wasn't clear. My best friend is an ISFJ and Im dating an ENFP. Thanks for your insight

 

[HJpAjcdO0X]

I noticed you said "stressed to the point..."
If you feel like that now, and it doesn't change, especially if you have to keep bringing it up. You will end up feeling like you're with someone but alone. You shouldn't feel guilty about being open and honest with your partner about what you need. Theres nothing wrong with either of your approaches towards this, but you need what you need to feel like you're relationship is solid. If you two still love each other and you two find there is no resolve to this, end it while you guys are still on good terms. There are a so many different types of people in this world, and I guarantee someone can understand and give what you're stressing about in this relationship.
I've have an enfp male friend for almost ten years. Hes fun, great sense of humor, always down for an adventure and we've never had a problem, but I know I could not date him, he's very...well pretty much how you described your bf, except you can't miss that he's very much about his thoughts and feelings not other people lol. He cannot help but interrupt with something about himself or change the subject if the tables are turned. I've listened to his dating woes and he wants affection and attention, all the things that would make him feel good, but he fails to reciprocate it much like your situation and he's still single as a pringle wondering why lol. Had a short friendship with an infp and dated one too and your situation sounds identical. Im not saying this is solely due to their mbtis but it IS a pattern I've noticed with fp's in my own personal experiences. Kinda feels one sided over time ya know?...
Idk if that helped but good luck girl, I hope you end up happy no matter what happens with this.

 

[slant]

Can you give some examples of the behavior that bothers you and what the conflict generally is?

 

[Mailin]

I noticed you said "stressed to the point..."
If you feel like that now, and it doesn't change, especially if you have to keep bringing it up. You will end up feeling like you're with someone but alone. You shouldn't feel guilty about being open and honest with your partner about what you need. Theres nothing wrong with either of your approaches towards this, but you need what you need to feel like you're relationship is solid. If you two still love each other and you two find there is no resolve to this, end it while you guys are still on good terms. There are a so many different types of people in this world, and I guarantee someone can understand and give what you're stressing about in this relationship.
I've have an enfp male friend for almost ten years. Hes fun, great sense of humor, always down for an adventure and we've never had a problem, but I know I could not date him, he's very...well pretty much how you described your bf, except you can't miss that he's very much about his thoughts and feelings not other people lol. He cannot help but interrupt with something about himself or change the subject if the tables are turned. I've listened to his dating woes and he wants affection and attention, all the things that would make him feel good, but he fails to reciprocate it much like your situation and he's still single as a pringle wondering why lol. Had a short friendship with an infp and dated one too and your situation sounds identical. Im not saying this is solely due to their mbtis but it IS a pattern I've noticed with fp's in my own personal experiences. Kinda feels one sided over time ya know?...
Idk if that helped but good luck girl, I hope you end up happy no matter what happens with this.

Well yes exactly, he's pretty much with his own thoughts and feelings (hard to change his mind and hard to make him walk someone's shoes) however I like for people to be who they are.. I feel uncomfortable discussing this as I find it really harsh if someone would tell me that I do not think of other's needs. However I know there is no evil in him, and that he isn't selfish, he is just this way and I would like to be okay with it, and to not take everything so personal.

Can you give some examples of the behavior that bothers you and what the conflict generally is?

Weve been togheter for half a year so everything's kinda new... Its just small things like making noise while the other one is sleeping (I told him it bothered me and he understood), he seems to be more prone to do whatever is on his mind at the time being and not considering others around but I know he does these stuff without being malicious, he is just being himself... that's why I get so upset at myself with this, I know he is a good guy and I do not wanna control him or tell him what to do, but at the same time he just misses little things and makes me feel like i am not in his mind... I know this is not real, he is just different than me and I would like to be more at peace with this.

 

[slant]

Well yes exactly, he's pretty much with his own thoughts and feelings (hard to change his mind and hard to make him walk someone's shoes) however I like for people to be who they are.. I feel uncomfortable discussing this as I find it really harsh if someone would tell me that I do not think of other's needs. However I know there is no evil in him, and that he isn't selfish, he is just this way and I would like to be okay with it, and to not take everything so personal.



Weve been togheter for half a year so everything's kinda new... Its just small things like making noise while the other one is sleeping (I told him it bothered me and he understood), he seems to be more prone to do whatever is on his mind at the time being and not considering others around but I know he does these stuff without being malicious, he is just being himself... that's why I get so upset at myself with this, I know he is a good guy and I do not wanna control him or tell him what to do, but at the same time he just misses little things and makes me feel like i am not in his mind... I know this is not real, he is just different than me and I would like to be more at peace with this.

I think you have to consider that not everyone has the same standards of behavior as you do and that nobody can know what you think is polite or rude until you have that conversation. Like the example you give about making noise when somebody is sleeping wouldn't personally bother me since I take a sleeping pill and it knocks me out and some people are heavy sleepers so they wouldn't be bothered by it either.

My point is not that there is anything wrong with your standards but that nobody is going to automatically know them. Everyone is unique and nuanced and part of being with someone is getting to know those little things over time. If it is a constant struggle maybe you are too different and you might want to seek someone who is more similar. All relationships are compromise and negotiation but some require less than others, so is it just that you have different standards or that he doesn't know your standards unless you tell him?

 

[HJpAjcdO0X]

he seems to be more prone to do whatever is on his mind at the time being and not considering others around but I know he does these stuff without being malicious, he is just being himself... that's why I get so upset at myself with this,

That internal vs external feeling seems like the root. You want him to remember the little things as you probably do him, and Im here to tell you right here and now that will not happen. He is more prone to think about what HE would want in any decision he makes and applies that to others as well (internal feeling), and you are more likely to think about what he and others would want in any situation (external feeling). You don't want to intentionally or accidentally hurt people with your actions so you put a great deal of care into avoiding acting in a way that could create that feeling.
You want him to notice the little things he won't, more than likely he will do things that HE thinks shows he cares, not what would make you feel like he cares. He might not do it intentionally and means no harm but the feeling your having now is a core need. You wouldn't be upset about it if it wasn't important to you, and thats okay. You don't have to be at peace with it to comfort him, and like you said it's fairly new...If you're like me though, all of what Im saying won't hold any truth until you see it with your own eyes.

 

[Mailin]

That internal vs external feeling seems like the root. You want him to remember the little things as you probably do him, and Im here to tell you right here and now that will not happen. He is more prone to think about what HE would want in any decision he makes and applies that to others as well (internal feeling), and you are more likely to think about what he and others would want in any situation (external feeling). You don't want to intentionally or accidentally hurt people with your actions so you put a great deal of care into avoiding acting in a way that could create that feeling.
You want him to notice the little things he won't, more than likely he will do things that HE thinks shows he cares, not what would make you feel like he cares. He might not do it intentionally and means no harm but the feeling your having now is a core need. You wouldn't be upset about it if it wasn't important to you, and thats okay. You don't have to be at peace with it to comfort him, and like you said it's fairly new...If you're like me though, all of what Im saying won't hold any truth until you see it with your own eyes.

Thank you for your insight ♥ explanations and logic helps me calm down and to think things in a more open way