Marrying young | INFJ Forum

Marrying young

Gaze

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Sep 5, 2009
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There's some debate about whether it is better to marry younger or older. Many believe it's not the best idea to marry young, that it's too soon, and people don't know themselves well enough at a young age to marry. But the idea of what is young has also changed. Once upon a time, it was normal for people to get married right after leaving high school. Now, it's expected or suggested that people wait until they're at least late 20s, or much later such as 30s or 40s to tie the knot. Some say marrying young is a recipe for disaster, or an early divorce. While others may say, maybe we're being too pessimistic about marriage, that maybe it can work.

Note: This thread is not discussing whether or not people should get married but rather at what age should someone marry.

So, what do you think about marrying young?
 
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My mom married when she was 21. I married when I was 22. My daughter married when she was 21. We are all very happy. Younger mothers have more energy for babies, but older moms have more wisdom. This is why the ideal is the extended family, which our culture has unfortunately obliterated. But I always knew I could go to my mom for help, and my daughter knows I'll drop everything if she needs me. So we have tried as best we can to preserve the ideal of the energy of a young mom with the wisdom of the older woman.

Time for... GRAMMA PICTURES!!!!!!
charis and megumi on elephant.jpg
 
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I'm conflicted on the issue, but I think if two people are being honest with themselves and love each other (and arent completely stupid) then its better to get married than put it off. I think when you put it off it creates "vibes" that eventually make one of the two people think that the marriage will never happen so they break up. I think younger is better.
 
I'm a 20 year old and I've noticed that people are willing to tie the knot super early or super late. If I had to pick a side, I would have to go with the older individuals. Younger people are still learning what it means to be them and it is possible for two people who love each other to grow together but I believe that people typically grow apart and somewhat bitter because of what they lost. It puts an artificial normalcy on the relationship (often why senators and lawyers marry young, so they can seem "normal" in a sense). I feel that the support an individual would get from a marriage can easily lead to codependent behaviors and individuals not really growing to be themselves. Never really trying on an emotional front because they already got something. I'm also really tired so it's understandable if this post didn't make sense. It just seems slated in the older people's direction.

Of course, older people can get stubborn and decide they only want ONE thing and never settle down or they may feel depressed because they're not married yet.
 
I'm betting that every couple I know who married young and are still together after five or more years would tell me it's a bad idea. I've even talked about it with my folks. My mom certainly regrets it, and my pop is too loyal to say anything bad about the situation.

So you might say my perception is slightly skewed. Slightly.
 
Unions are about much more than age and needs to be considered on a case-by-case basis.
 
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I've always thought this question was very interesting, and like most things, I usually arrive at the answer of "it's completely relative to the individual." There are some who marry young and lively happily, some who live unhappily and/or get divorced, some who change out of it or into it. There are some who marry older, and at a varying degree of ages, all with different outcomes. If we want to look at it generally to find some generic, advisable rule, I'd say it would be better for many people to wait until they have experienced more of the "adult" world, although this is not directly related to age. Some people have had to deal with responsibilities and finances from a very early age, and some people almost never have to deal with them. So it's probably more a question of maturity and experience combined.

That being said, I think a lot of people have ingrained notions of what marriage "should" be, and tend to project that onto others. Marriage is a legal contract, on which we tend to place moral and social obligations (I'm including religious under social for convenience). There's no rule that says married people have to behave a certain way, or believe/value certain things. Some married couples might allow sexual relationships with other people, some might not live in the same place, some might be only for money or to connect two families, etc. And so age might have not be a sensible consideration depending on the motivation behind the marriage and the form it takes.

But I think that's mostly me just being pedantic, and the real question relates to those who hold normative ideals for marriage. In that case, the marriage is meant to last and be a kind of lifelong partnership, and so divorce or unhappiness in the household is seen as some kind of failure. And so we'd naturally want to encourage decisions that would lead to happy, lifelong marriages. But that might be putting more value and importance on marriage than there needs to be.

People often do not criticize decisions to enter relationships as harshly as marriages, even though the two are very similar. There are lots of different types of relationships that people relate to things like experience and maturity - the first relationships where holding hands or kissing is a big deal, later relationships where sex is a big deal, relationships where living together is a big deal and then finally marriage holds the position as some ultimate level of a relationship, the most mature and experienced. Like [MENTION=933]Seraphim[/MENTION] said, I think many people want to grow up quickly or be perceived as an adult, and so they want to escalate the kind of relationship they have, and marriage is one way to socially project a statement of maturity.

But I'm not necessarily sure this is a bad thing. People learn from their experiences, and so I can't imagine any sense of wasted time from a marriage that didn't work and ended poorly. The issue then becomes "did marrying young do unnecessary/irreparable/unavoidable damage to the individuals?" In some cases, I'm sure that's probably the case, especially to those involved. But since we can never know the outcome of events that didn't happen, and we tend to always think about good possible outcomes rather than bad (or possibly realistic) ones, it might seem like a failed marriage usually is just bad and harmful. But life isn't easy, it isn't ideal, and it can always be better, or worse. I guess that means we should always strive to make it better, but the problem is often how we might know if what we've done has made it better or not.

My main concern is mostly for children in bad marriages. People can have very difficult and unfortunate lives just because they were born into a bad situation. Thinking about the unfairness of life like that always makes me gloomy.
 
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I think it depends on when/if you find your soul mate. Some people find that person when they're young, others find it later in life. Understanding everything a marriage entails is difficult to grasp until you've experienced it. It can take you to the depths and heights of both love and hate and then everywhere in between. So no matter what age you marry what matters most is how strong of a bond you have with the other person.
 
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i think it should be about the age of the relationship, not the age of the couple.

my mom married my dad when she was 19 and he was 26, after knowing him for approximately 8 months. they had a child (my oldest brother) immediately, followed by two more boys and a girl (me!) spread out over the years. they stayed together for some 27 years. just got divorced last year. apparently they were waiting until i was 18 or something. there was no love.

the point is, my mom only knew my dad for 8 months when she said yes. that's simply not enough time to get to know every facet of a person and make an educated decision to commit. she even told me that on her wedding day she was having doubts. that's a very bad sign.

you need to stay together for long enough to know that it will work. you need to stay together long enough to learn how to work out differences instead of just argue about them. you need to develop love and closeness and some sense of dependence (as much as everyone hates to admit it). you need to test out the waters before diving straight in.

i've been in a relationship for over two years now with the same person, and we're both 19 years old. we're not engaged yet but it's kind of and underlying assumption that we will be some day, just not until after we get some shit done first. i don't look at marriage as something threatening or something that would tie me down or blah blah blah whatever. i look at marriage as something to do when i want to start a family.

so i guess i could say it's better to get married when you're older, if only for the fact that you should be financially stable and able to support a family before it happens (assuming your plan is to have a family -- if not, well, enjoy your tax benefits?).

sorry for the long rambling nature of my post. i just woke up.
 
@Emerald Dreams
But since we can never know the outcome of events that didn't happen, and we tend to always think about good possible outcomes rather than bad (or possibly realistic) ones, it might seem like a failed marriage usually is just bad and harmful. But life isn't easy, it isn't ideal, and it can always be better, or worse. I guess that means we should always strive to make it better, but the problem is often how we might know if what we've done has made it better or not.

This is an interesting point. Thing is, although i agree with the advice to wait until someone has a better sense of themselves as an adult with adult responsibilities, until they are more financially stable, as well as mature, responsibility alone is not the only consideration. I've always thought emotional maturity matters more and by that I mean, the ability to care about and meet someone else's needs for support, understanding, and partnership without sacrificing your needs. Younger adults tend to be me focused naturally because they are often still struggling to learn who they are or what they want in life. They are often still attempting to forge their own identities separate from everyone else's, make their mark so to speak. For the average couple, balancing your needs with those of others is not simple and most couples go through periods where they struggle to balance needs and responsibilities. Question is, is this skill something that is had, developed, or only learned later on. There are some people who are made for committment. They know who they are. They don't need to go through a set of adult life experiences to figure things out. But that's maybe just a minority of people. Probably exceptions to the rule. On the other hand, it is going through an experience that makes someone step up and learn what they need to make that relationship workable. So, although I agree that waiting until later when life has taught someone a few things is better, cuz I know I would never have been ready for marriage at 20-something when I think about it now, at the same time I think it's the understanding about what marriage is and how well the couple know and are committed to each other that matters. Two persons comitted to marriage, will usually try their best to make it work, make adjustments along the way, and try their best to make it last, imho. I do believe that if someone is going to get married, that this means it's a lifelone partnership but I also believe in being realistic. I think it's most important to know yourself as a person, what you want, your values, what you expect (especially), and how you perceive your life and goals. So, if you don't, then you're walking into a relationship blindly. So, yes, marrying later may be better but it's more about marrying the right person at a time when both are ready for a committment, although I'm sure that it's rarely so simple to know who is the right one or when's the right time.
 
This may sound horribly jaded when it comes to marriage, but I'm only trying to be realistic based on what I've seen.
I think marriage is a good idea once both people are capable of being self-sufficient on their own.
I was also given really good advice when I was younger: "Don't get married unless you can finish school and/or are capable of supporting yourself."
If you can do that young, great. If it takes you awhile, fine. Just so long as you know you have options.
I personally don't like the idea of being dependent on someone else.
 
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This may sound horribly jaded when it comes to marriage, but I'm only trying to be realistic based on what I've seen.
I think marriage is a good idea once both people are capable of being self-sufficient on their own.
I was also given really good advice when I was younger: "Don't get married unless you can finish school and/or are capable of supporting yourself."
If you can do that young, great. If it takes you awhile, fine. Just so long as you know you have options.
I personally don't like the idea of being dependent on someone else.

That is incredibly good advice!

I believe this is good advice, but it is not advice I myself followed. I did not actually get married at a particularly young age, but I have been with my husband since we were both teenagers. We just knew. Granted, my situation was/is not typical, and we did sort of grow up together, and things have changed and morphed as we've grown, but I wouldn't go back and change a thing. I have absolutely no regrets about marriage or being with him since a young age, and consider myself incredibly fortunate, especially when I see some of the alternatives out there. This is unusual, it seems, but nevertheless it is true.

OTOH, I've met people who were almost too independent for marriage, -- they never seemed to bond properly as a couple somehow. This may possibly happen more at an older age when people are more set in their ways? I'm not sure. I think it is important to make sure you are compatible and that you trust each other and are interdependent adults. By interdependent I mean that you complement and support each other yet are each fully capable of functioning alone.
 
I don't know.

These days it seems that if you marry earlier and have children earlier, you have a greater chance of divorcing and/or going on to be stuck in a economically average or below avergae situation for life.

I've noticed that in the families of people I know where the parents are about ten years older than mine that the family is somewhat middle class, with two working parents, a larger income, children at better schools who have far superior social standing and usually intelligence to me...

So yeah... Marry later, make a better informed choice, have a longer period of 'freedom' to do what you want with your life and have longer to develop a decent career.

This is of course just an opinion based on a few observed facts... I'm sure people (including my grandparents) married younger than I am, and go on to have a loving 60 year relationship and massive economic stability. But they were lucky!
 
I don't know.

These days it seems that if you marry earlier and have children earlier, you have a greater chance of divorcing and/or going on to be stuck in a economically average or below avergae situation for life....

This is of course just an opinion based on a few observed facts... I'm sure people (including my grandparents) married younger than I am, and go on to have a loving 60 year relationship and massive economic stability. But they were lucky!

Hello! I will just chime in here and say marrying young is decidedely not the same thing as having children young.

Having children requires a couple to focus far, far more on the child(ren) than each other, or themselves, and many people cannot or will not do this. And, more often than not a couple's sex life drops off a cliff after children are born, they are usually both sleep deprived and not quite themselves, at least while the children are very small, which does not do a marriage or other romantic relationship any good at all, and I'd say having children before both people are ready, or without realistic expectations probably harms more couples than marrying young.

And yes, some people are just lucky! :D
 
Hello! I will just chime in here and say marrying young is decidedely not the same thing as having children young.

Having children requires a couple to focus far, far more on the child(ren) than each other, or themselves, and many people cannot or will not do this. And, more often than not a couple's sex life drops off a cliff after children are born, they are usually both sleep deprived and not quite themselves, at least while the children are very small, which does not do a marriage or other romantic relationship any good at all, and I'd say having children before both people are ready, or without realistic expectations probably harms more couples than marrying young.

And yes, some people are just lucky! :D


Hahah, yeah but where I come from people get married because their girlfriend is pregnant and their family are 'good christians'. -____-
 
Hahah, yeah but where I come from people get married because their girlfriend is pregnant and their family are 'good christians'. -____-

:) Yeah, there's a fair amount of that going on where I'm from, too. :/ It sometimes works out, if the couple is very committed, but often doesn't, and is very sad.

Well, the least you can do is be as honest as possible to anyone who is interested in the subject, so they have the chance go into the whole parenthood/marriage thing with their eyes wide open and not with unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations = bad. Transparency and honesty = good! You can't tell people that everything will be blissful 100% of the time and then expect them to thrive when reality hits. At 3:00 am, usually.