Making Friends with the Opposite Gender | INFJ Forum

Making Friends with the Opposite Gender

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by barbad0s, Feb 28, 2015.

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  1. barbad0s

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    Assuming both parties are straight and you are as well:

    How do you create a good, long term friendship with someone of the opposite gender and stay platonic?

    I'm especially interested in answers from the ladies.

    I don't think I've ever successfully done this before.
     
  2. gd65h8as7

    gd65h8as7 Community Member

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    It's doable, even though most of the time, the friendship transforms into something more or one party has made a move on the other.

    I mean, we're human, so it's possible that one person may slip up or let their emotions get the best of them at one point, but if there is a legitimately good friendship between the two people, I think it'll click for one of the two parties that this good relationship shouldn't be ruined because I can't exercise control over my passions.

    I think if the two people are stable and level headed, it can work, although someone may slip up and make an advance towards the other at one point (we're human, it happens).

    But there are a handful of girls that I know that, if they were to tell me "Never in a million years will anything happen between us, do you still want us to be friends?", I'd say yes to. I don't think I'd be able to speak to them super frequently because the more time you invest in someone, the more likely it is that feelings will develop, but if I were to catch up with them every once in a while I could make it work.

    My guess is that for females, 7-8 out of 10 times, the male friend is just waiting to make his move. But contrary to what a female might think, a guy doesn't always have predatory intentions off of the bat. There have definitely been times, for me at least, that I had zero feelings for a woman I began a friendship with and then after I got to know her better, I started feeling something.
     
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    #2 gd65h8as7, Feb 28, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2015
  3. Gaze

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    I think it depends on the nature of the friendship and personality. Is there a natural attraction between the two? If you're not attracted to each other, and don't want to develop a romantic relationship, then a friendship should be possible. However, it would revolve around common interests that will make you feel comfortable without feeling too personal or intimate. If you have a strong connection with someone, this can later lead to feelings developing because of the emotional intimacy produced from sharing feelings and experiences regularly. But if it's a casual friendship that doesn't require a great deal of emotional investment, it's probably easier to have a lasting friendship. But you can never be sure that something won't develop between good friends later on. Tough to predict. Some will seem comfortable just being friends, but hope for more later on.
     
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  4. Elis

    Elis Permanent Fixture

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    There was some discussion on this a while back. I think it was about whether it was even possible, with varying opinions. I didn't find it, but it should be floating around here somewhere.
     
  5. Dohavior

    Dohavior Community Member

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    And why is that so? You are not seeking answers from those you wish to befriend. That does not sound friendly.

    I don't think any relationships are truly platonic. You are the product of your parent's own sexual escapades and you have that in common with your brothers and sisters. And even my friends I would lend support to in their relationships.

    Is this desire of yours what they call a birth control side effect?

    The fact you propose both parties are straight is a bit extraneous to the answers you seek. But I have never heard the phrase "platonic" outside of homosexual negging/trolling.
     
  6. Erlian

    Erlian Community Member

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    Here's the all time classic
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

    The real science
    http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

    My personal experience from yesterday
    When I saw the title I thought: Haha, I just experienced this yesterday.
    Over the last month a girl (ENFJ likely) has tried to get IN my life. She texted me. She wants to meet up all the time.
    I was really surprised. Why would she be so interested in me?

    Well, she already has a boyfriend and just wants to be friends.
    When we had our first 'date' yesterday (not earlier due to logistical stuff), she mentioned her boyfriend (I already knew, but was confused). I continued to tell her what my perspective was. She felt really sorry and didn't see it that way. This happened when we were walking to the café. We didn't turn around actually. We just talked about it. About things she did and why I think it's a signal of interest and why she thinks it's just her trying to be friends. She felt really sorry for all of it and was really nice. We had a lovely time for the rest. I haven't felt really bad or sad about it (yet). I feel slightly empty, but I have enough other stuff in my life to pay attention to I guess. She really wanted to meet up again sometime, because she really does want to friends. I agreed to it, but not anytime soon, so I'm sure I don't 'catch the feels'.

    She assumed I already knew she had a boyfriend from the beginning. So she never backed down or tried to be less touchy or in-my-face.

    So yeah, we're going to try to be friends. I can think of two things (there are probably more) that are beneficial to such a friendship.
    1) Not being single
    If both parties aren't single, their desires are fulfilled (mostly the guys' ones I guess) and they won't play a role in the friendship
    2) Maturity
    Knowing that you should/want/need to be just friends and being mature/disciplined enough to not try more, will prevent the friendship from leading to more. Again especially on the male side.

    I fail the first one, but I'll try the second one.
     
  7. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    Your post is completely masturbatorial and unhelpful
     
  8. sassafras

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    I think that being very close good friends with the gender you tend to be romantically/sexually inclined towards is rarely ever purely platonic through and through. Unless that person shares a quality that is an absolute deal breaker for a romantic relationship, you experience... twinges of interest from time to time. The deeper the emotional attachment, the more likely you are to occasionally entertain 'what if's'

    I think the key to any long lasting friendship is self awareness and open communication. It's kind of difficult to decide ahead of time that 'this is the person I am only going to be friends with' because emotions are fickle and relationshios change and develop organically, but you can always stay honest with and respectful of one another as a policy.
     
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  9. Dreamer91

    Dreamer91 Newbie

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    I'm an infj girl whose been trying to be just friends with an intj guy for a while now. I think the key is that both people start out feeling the same. If one has feelings for the other and the other has only platonic intentions, it won't work because someone will be hurt/disappointed. If both start out platonic and something develops then that's a different story.
     
  10. Yva

    Yva Regular Poster

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    For ME personally to start of a platonic long term relationship I would have to say:
    1) control my need to be empathetic.
    2) finding as many faults in that person. (I can be very intense and THAT quality could result in unwanted feelings)
    3) act quiet, blunt, and rude. (I am like this to almost every guy I come across. It's my way of testing to see if a guy is shallow or deep)

    When I sense that I can trust him then he will receive my respect. Not saying that it is the right way but this is how I do it.
     
  11. Cornerstone

    Cornerstone Well-known member

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    I thought of the concept of The Four Loves whilst considering this. Eros (sexual love) is only one.

    Affection for those you find yourself lumped with and friendship are two separate categories, the latter being highly esteemed and rare in modern society.

    I've tried and failed to make more of this post so I'll just leave it there for now.
     
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  12. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

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    I have been able to do this, even when one or both of us have had feelings for the other but were never acted upon. That is key. I have never, ever been able to maintain a friendship with an ex.
    It is more difficult when both of you are single, as [MENTION=12103]Erlian[/MENTION] mentioned because sometimes feelings flare up.
    When feelings get intense on either side, back off for a while. It can be done.
     
  13. MrSquared

    MrSquared Well-known member

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    As an INFJ male...

    I have maybe one really good female friend that I haven't dated. And it because she's a BFF to one of my ex's.
     
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