Making Excuses for People | INFJ Forum

Making Excuses for People

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Altruistic Muse, Aug 5, 2009.

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  1. Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    I find I very rarely do this in normality, but for some reason when I'm in a relationship with someone I hate for people to think badly of them or to hear me say bad things about them. So I will tend to make excuses for the minor things. I don't allow myself to be conned by someone though. I don't make excuses to myself, I kind of log it there, and basically I will put up with a fair amount but as soon as it reaches a threshold or something big happens that violates a belief or a need I'm gone. Is this something anyone else relates to?
     
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  2. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Yes. It seems that everyone wants to make excuses for fat people, or for religious people.
     
  3. dneecey

    dneecey I am who I am.

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    Well, I don't know if I would consider it making excuses for people... but I do tend to see things from other peoples perspective. I often get made fun of for sympathizing with the "bad" guys in general.. It's not to say that I agree with the actions of said individuals, but I look at the whole picture, and go from there. But then again, there are lyrics to a song I love called "My Heroes" by Kimya Dawson, that say "having been *@$#^& is no excuse for being *@$#^& up."
    I totally agree with this. Just because you've been through something doesn't mean you should inflict pain on others, or feel like it's okay for you to get away with crap for being in a crappy situation.

    I do, always tend to see others perspectives and give that perspective in turn to those who are too focused on one thing to see it, but that doesn't mean I always condone another persons actions, and usually I make my own point of view known as well.

    Another thing I always do, if someone is talking about a party that is not present, well I always first say that it makes me uncomfortable to talk about someone behind their back who can't defend themselves, especially if I know the individual... And at first, I will play the devils advocate. Although, if I disagree with that person I will eventually let my own thoughts and stance be heard in the long run...
     
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  4. TrevOrTrevor

    TrevOrTrevor Community Member

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    I agree about seeing perspectives.
    I usually try let people make their own decisions about people I'm with, but if someone expressed that they really disliked something about her in front of me if she wasn't there, it might go down like this.
    Depending on the person, I would...
    1/ quickly ask them clear yet non-confrontational questions to see their side better, while also getting mentally prepared for a possible argument
    2/ see her side,
    3/ try to look at both sides logically, take a deep breath quietly (looking thoughtful, maybe nodding just slightly)
    4/ decide who I think is right,
    5/ (if I agreed with the other person) put on a fake smile then make excuses for her anyway, MAYBE point out how I see why the other person might think that, but...
    Or (if I disagreed with the other person), probably scowl unconsciously while defending my gf with hard facts, possibly mentioning a mistake the person has made in comparison, as well as get them to explain themselves, then ignore them for days/weeks/years.

    If it's gossip about random co-workers, family I'm not close with, not-close friends, I won't participate in it, and just allow people to speak their minds.
    I learn a lot about people during gossip...the people doing the gossiping that is.
    If it gets real harsh I might try and change the topic or leave.

    I will share rumors/debate with close friends/family at times though. Sometimes you just need to vent, or have a challenging discussion.

    Peace to all! :D
     
    #4 TrevOrTrevor, Aug 7, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2009
  5. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    Don't read if you have a weak stomach.

    I do make excuses for people. This is because I always dig for some underlying reason to why some behavior is preformed. When I see someone commit a crime, my first question is "why".

    I actually got in a discussion with an ENTJ on something like this. We had both read this article on this woman who violently killed her newborn, then ate it's entrails. This is clearly a horrible crime. However, before even reading it my first thought was "she is mentally ill, there is something seriously wrong with her, she wasn't in her own mind." and as such I felt sympathy for her. The ENTJ said she should be put to jail, and death. I disagreed, because I felt that she has a serious screw loose, and either should be put in a mental instistution or be medicated/counciled to help fix her. I was making an excuse for her behavior, because I felt there was an underlying reason that caused this and was in a way out of her control. The ENTJ insisted that I was just making an excuse and said "you just look for good in everyone, you don't have the capaicty to believe in someone who is "truly evil"". That isn't true, I just saw a reason behind it.

    So yes, I do make excuses, but they are not unfounded in any way.
     
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  6. dneecey

    dneecey I am who I am.

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    See... I don't consider that making excuses... but maybe that is just my way of justifying my own thinking. I just see the other persons perspective, regardless of whether or not I agree with them.
     
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  7. IndigoSensor

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    Exactly, that is how I am. I am just so used to people calling them excuses, that I just use the word for clarity.
     
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  8. Julia

    Julia Community Member

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    I tend to think this way as well. Actually, I'm not convinced that people have a great deal of control over themselves, although I do put pressure on myself to make the best choice regardless of feelings or circumstances, but I wonder about the legitimacy of free will. My ability to be constructive might be the result of my experiences that strengthened me. If I had been born in another circumstance I might be the drunk driver with the kids in the backseat.

    Our genetics and environments at least place outer boundaries on our choices and behaviors. Each person is a complex system of cause and effect, and so it is not always realistic to be able to connect every effect with its cause. No behavior exists in a vacuum. It is generated by influences. We should still push for people to make the constructive choices because that pushing is itself an influence that might affect their system. It reflected onto us from another source and we can reflect it onto someone else when they encounter us.

    A person at best might be like the following image of a reflective surface. We reflect whatever we encounter. Every detail of ourselves is redundant. We might have some free will to reshape our surface to emphasize some details on our surface more than others, but who knows. Societies do have to create boundaries for behaviors, but the ultimate tragedy might be that each person is the product of their lives and even though it appeared like there were choices, in the end there were none.

    [​IMG]
     
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