[PUG] - Looking for companionship for….what reasons? | INFJ Forum

[PUG] Looking for companionship for….what reasons?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by slant, Feb 9, 2010.

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  1. slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    “You’ll know when you are ready.”

    This line is uttered quite often when one asks, ‘When is the right age to start dating? When should I start going out and meeting other people for a purely romantic purpose?’.

    But that answer isn’t sufficient. Even if you ‘know’ WHEN you are ready, what about all of the other questions?

    How?
    Why?
    For what duration of time?

    What makes a person ‘ready’ for the demand of a relationship, and what are the demands of a relationship, exactly? What is the formula for a relationship that ‘works’ and what sorts of relationships (romantic) are there?

    We know of ‘lust’ relationships that are based on strong sexual ties. It seems these types of relationships die quickly.

    There are longer term, emotional/physical relationships that last longer, but what are the dynamics of that?

    It’s important for me to define the purpose of a romantic relationship. A lot of people will say it is to create a family; to have children and such and such forth. Romantic relationships between human beings evolved as a way to encourage breeding and constitution of the human race. If this is true, it implies that homosexual relationships are recreational since, naturally, two of the same gender cannot reproduce.

    But if relationships are not based on the idea of reproduction entirely- reproduction meaning sex- if sex is NOT the base or purpose of a relationship than what is? Why are they a good idea and what should you expect if you get into one?

    I’m thinking of, financial responsibilities, emotional responsibilities, etc.

    It is absolutely pointless to get into a relationship with someone when you cannot be financially responsible for yourself?

    Logically, do romantic relationships have -any- purpose at all? It appears they are more for a ‘pleasure' factor than any tangible, constructive reason.
     
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    #1 slant, Feb 9, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2010
  2. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    Dont date, waste of time. Get through college and make some money, then worry about dating. You'll be where you are today in the same position except you wont be broke and worried about paying bills.
     
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  3. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    Are you implying all dating is waste of time, or, what? What is the purpose of dating? You've really dodged all of the questions I just asked, Billy.
     
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  4. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    I've dated and here are the things I've learned.

    1. If you are planning on moving out of the area for school, then dating will suck and be useless.
    2. If you don't have a lot of time to spare for another person due to school or work then dating will suck and be useless.
    3. If you aren't ready to commit to looking after the emotional difficulties of another person in addition to your own, then dating will suck and be useless.
    4. You will hurt people once you realize any of the above three and you are currently engaged in dating.

    For once, I'm with Billy. If you want to date for the experience while you are still in high school, then have at it. However, if you are only interested in a committed relationship, then hold off on it until you are done with school and sitting on a stable job. Most people who are in college date for sex, and most aren't interested in settling down until they are out of school.

    The purpose of romantic relationships are similar to those of friendships, but only deeper and more committed.
     
  5. OP
    slant

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    I feel like this is all being directed towards me and that wasn't my intention.
     
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  6. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    What i'm telling you, is that Dating is a waste of time if you aren't prepared for it. Dating can lead to really really serious stuff, so its best to have your shit organized up front before you start. Otherwise you're wasting your and your SO's time. I didnt dodge either, I just ignored irrelevant questions hehe.
     
  7. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    1. How do you prepare for dating?

    2. What 'really really serious stuff' can dating lead up to?
     
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  8. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    You prepare for dating by 1st not dating and figuring out your life. Or at least figuring out yourself enough to know what you bring to the table and what you expect.

    2. Kids.
     
  9. SpaceCowgirl

    SpaceCowgirl vanilla cat

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    What dating is depends on what you want it to be. It can be fun or serious or more of a friendship. I think serious relationships before your done school are a bad idea, but hey some people like them...for some reason. You just have to be clear about what your getting into so there's no confusion.
     
  10. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    totally, I think a strong understanding of what you each want out of a relationship is a must. Especially if its serious.
     
  11. patricky

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    I'm too cheap to buy a fleshlight and I've exhausted all of the good free porn on the internet.
     
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  12. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    Hmm. I didn't want to make this too specific of a thread but I think I may have to, in order to convey my point.


    Billy, your answer to my 2nt question doesn't make sense in the context of a homosexual relationship.


    Spacecowgirl: would you define what a fun and what a serious relationship consists of?
     
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  13. Billy

    Billy Contents Under Pressure
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    What gays dont have kids at all?
     
  14. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    I thought you were implying accidental pregnancy;homosexuals generally have to go through a very difficult adoption process.
     
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  15. christmas

    christmas is such a boss bitch.
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    I'll speak from my experience. Some of the best advice I ever got was: "Don't date until you're out of high school." I was super sensitive as a young woman. My advice would be: "Don't date until you think you're ready to have your heart crushed into a billion pieces." Of course no one is really ready for that, but if it happened to me tomorrow, I think I might be able to get through it. I have a support system. I'm free to move if I feel like it. I'm not a vulnerable kid who relies completely on her parents (that's not a shot at the younger ones).
     
  16. OP
    slant

    slant M O U L T I N G
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    I've always been under the impression that being 'hurt' in a relationship is inevitable and that trying to avoid it or pretend like it will never happen to you is like trying to dodge the flu when everyone in your house already has it; it's going to happen, and maybe you'll be lucky and not have it occur during that particular time, but most people will come down with the flu in their lifetime and lots of people are going to have difficulties with romantic relationships.

    In fact, romantic relationships are [to my understanding] quite similar to platonic friendships in the sense that you will have falling out with friends and conflicts with friends that will end a friendship and your trust be broken; yet, it seems like people are not avoiding making new friends. We accept that these things will happen.

    In a way, isn't the experience of having something 'go wrong' or 'be rough' a positive in the sense that you know how to handle it better the next time? Things like these make us grow as human beings, in my opinion, because we develop sides of ourselves and methods of coping with things that we did not have before.

    The financial dependency on parents when you are younger dating does distraught me.
     
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  17. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    If you want to be in a seriously committed long-term relationship, it's pointless to expect anyone to shoulder your financial burden. It will never work out. Nobody is responsible for anyone else (unless you're a parent!).

    Healthy/sane romantic relationships can also serve the purpose of being another emotional and psychological support system. A good partner is also a good friend. I don't think the purpose of a romantic relationship is to procreate. The purpose is to add to the enjoyment of one's life. Overall, it should be a therapeutic thing. I understand there is conflict in every relationship but overall, if being involved is too stressful and unfulfilling then it's time to get out.

    I don't think people should get involved romantically if they are unhappy overall with their life, and looking for someone to "give their life meaning" or purpose or to "find their other half" and all that other co-dependant platitudinous non-sense. When a person is content with their situation, self-sufficient, and is able to enjoy other people without needing to manipulate others for their own satisfaction, then if they are interested in a relationship it's a good idea.

    As far as for what duration of time? Depends on how long the relationship stays healthy and fulfilling... I don't have an answer.
     
    #17 acd, Feb 10, 2010
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2010
  18. Timeless

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    There is no right time.

    There is no such thing as the perfect time.

    Postponing dating and experiencing life all together is basically like saying "One day..."

    "One day people will understand, one day I will be happy, one day I will be ready to date, one day I will be rich, one day I will understand, one day my kids will be good, one day my wife will this, one day my husband will that. One day, one day, one day."

    That doesn't exist.

    If that imaginary finish line doesn't exist, why wait all together? ;)

    I think it's bullshit when people say after school, after college, after your job, after you understand, after your bachelors, after your masters, after your vacation, after your doctorates, after your mansion, after your yatcht, after you solve dark matter, after, after, after.

    Same shit, different smell.

    I think people say that because since they got hurt, humiliated or whatever they try to avoid those feelings and pain at all costs. Yeah nobody wants to get hurt or feel bad, but we are humans, we live and learn. Trying to cut off the bad feelings is like trying to remove the ying out of the yang (that's a different story) ...
     
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  19. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    While I don't necessarily disagree with seizing the day.. I do think that putting your personal goals first over getting into a relationship is important. People need to take care of themselves, first and foremost. What good are you to anyone if you're not content in yourself? Achieving your goals isn't always a hiding mechanism. I think it's a good idea to make your own happiness and then share it with others.

    It's so important to be ready for a relationship, to have no regrets and doubts about what you "could have done."
     
  20. SpaceCowgirl

    SpaceCowgirl vanilla cat

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    I would say a serious relationship consists of more emotional support(financial to but im still relying on my parents), and a casual one you agree not to expect that. What your looking for really depends on where you are in your life, and who you are, so if you agree on what kind of relationship you want your likely in similar spaces and more likely to work out.

    If you agree on a casual relationship then you'll probably still talk and open up to each other the way you would with any friend, but you have an understanding that neither of you want to be relied on to heavily, and in my experience there's no hard feelings when someone needs space.

    If you both need a lot of support in whatever way then both people will expect their partner to always be there when they need them, and this needs to be reciprocated. If at any point one of them doesn't want the responsibility for someones feeling anymore then that sucks and that's when it ends, but it helps to know what your getting into.
    dating is the same as any relationship in terms of the connection you make with the person. The real difference is that your agreeing on some level of commitment to each other, and when it ends its official and bound to be a bigger deal then losing touch with a friend, so ground rules are needed.
    and sex...sex is another major difference
     
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