"Just" having a conversation.
- Thread starter WaterOx
- Start date
Heh. Yup, I definitely have this problem. So often I'll get worked up over a conversation that I think everyone is taking as seriously as I am, only to realize belatedly what a fool I looked like to everyone else.
It's not that I don't get the concept of a conversation without the serious exchange and debate over ideas. I just can't always recognize when that is what is happening. Sigh. It's worse online, too...
It's not that I don't get the concept of a conversation without the serious exchange and debate over ideas. I just can't always recognize when that is what is happening. Sigh. It's worse online, too...
Sometimes when you assume you have to adapt to everyone around you, what you don't realize is that people are equally adapting to YOU. Some Infjs are difficult to read, and in social situations might make others feel awkward ... like as though they are not enjoying themselves. Enter now the "small talk" that you loathe. Unless you want to be a social retard your entire life and hide in a hole, you are going to have to learn to deal with it and realize that sometimes people are reaching outside of themselves in order to make you feel comfortable or feel connected to you. LIFE is about learning how to adapt. 
LIFE is about learning how to adapt.
Well said. Yes, and step one in adapting is recognizing the problem.
I guess that is what MBTI can offer us.
Sometimes when you assume you have to adapt to everyone around you, what you don't realize is that people are equally adapting to YOU. Some Infjs are difficult to read, and in social situations might make others feel awkward ... like as though they are not enjoying themselves. Enter now the "small talk" that you loathe. Unless you want to be a social retard your entire life and hide in a hole, you are going to have to learn to deal with it and realize that sometimes people are reaching outside of themselves in order to make you feel comfortable or feel connected to you. LIFE is about learning how to adapt.
But that's not just having a conversation. That's making a connection.
I make small talk too. I talk to people about my cat, my basil plants, and other silly things - but it's not JUST a conversation. When we say empty words it isn't for the sake of saying the words.
That may be your interpretation. Perhaps the person on the other end thinks differently.
That was my summary of what you described so in essence it is also your interpretation.
I was about to come in here and go "what are you aspergers nerds getting all tied up over" and then I realized what I was thinking of (wordplay, funny in-the-moment anecdotes) doesn't really constitute conversation, and [MENTION=6917]sprinkles[/MENTION] beats me to the punch anyway.
Yeah, I don't know, I feel like I occasionally weird people out with how I engage one-on-one dialogues. Probably because I'm more acutely aware than they of how much a person reveals about their self when they're exclusively interacting with another.
I talk about the little things, as sprinkles said, things that you feel comfortable talking about in public or unfamiliar company, but I always keep in mind that each interaction I have with a person affects how we see each other, and how we interact with each other in the future. It's conversation, but it's also a balancing act and a dance.
Yeah, I don't know, I feel like I occasionally weird people out with how I engage one-on-one dialogues. Probably because I'm more acutely aware than they of how much a person reveals about their self when they're exclusively interacting with another.
I talk about the little things, as sprinkles said, things that you feel comfortable talking about in public or unfamiliar company, but I always keep in mind that each interaction I have with a person affects how we see each other, and how we interact with each other in the future. It's conversation, but it's also a balancing act and a dance.
Indeed. Saying you're "just having a conversation" is akin to playing a bagatelle on the piano and saying "I'm just banging on these keys"
I see every conversation as an opportunity to connect, even if you're just being polite and talking about the weather with a stranger while waiting at the bus stop. Maybe it's not an intense or particularly deep connection, but at the very least, it is an acknowledgement of the other individual in close proximity. I think that is a nice thing. I personally don't need every conversation to mean something. I'm content to switch off my philosophizing and shift my focus to just connect with the person there with me, even if its on a mild level.
It has always stricken me as odd how some people equate enjoying small talk with stupidity or some kind of baffling alien behaviour from the planet Saturn when really, it's probably a level of nuance they're simply not attune to. What I think it really comes down to is how well you are to regulate your social intensity, attention and how you prefer to divide up your personal reserve of mental energy. For example, maybe you're a person who likes to daydream a lot with a rather low energy threshold and you find all manner of conversation, deep or not-deep equally taking up the same amount of mental energy. Given the fact that your energy is a scarce resource and you prioritize time in your head space, naturally, you'll want to reserve your time in social sphere for more hearty conversations. Or perhaps you are a person who naturally feels things deeply and can only get so involved in a handful of people's lives; the people that do the small talk thing exhaust you because when you want to connect, you want to really plug in at intensity 10 while the other person is content to hover around about a 4 and you find that incongruity a waste of time. It's not that they're weird or that you're weird. It's just that you can't modulate your energy the same way they do.
Not everyone is wired the same way and that's really at the core of it, I think.
It has always stricken me as odd how some people equate enjoying small talk with stupidity or some kind of baffling alien behaviour from the planet Saturn when really, it's probably a level of nuance they're simply not attune to. What I think it really comes down to is how well you are to regulate your social intensity, attention and how you prefer to divide up your personal reserve of mental energy. For example, maybe you're a person who likes to daydream a lot with a rather low energy threshold and you find all manner of conversation, deep or not-deep equally taking up the same amount of mental energy. Given the fact that your energy is a scarce resource and you prioritize time in your head space, naturally, you'll want to reserve your time in social sphere for more hearty conversations. Or perhaps you are a person who naturally feels things deeply and can only get so involved in a handful of people's lives; the people that do the small talk thing exhaust you because when you want to connect, you want to really plug in at intensity 10 while the other person is content to hover around about a 4 and you find that incongruity a waste of time. It's not that they're weird or that you're weird. It's just that you can't modulate your energy the same way they do.
Not everyone is wired the same way and that's really at the core of it, I think.
Last edited:
I understand that but telling me something is "just conversation" is like saying the complete opposite of this. It's like saying their only goal is to talk and they don't even care about me, they just want to talk for the sake of it.
Just conversation does not connect with people. You can have 'just conversations' with automated chatbots just as well as anyone else. If the goal is to connect with people you don't have 'just conversation'.
This has nothing to do with the content of the conversation and everything to do with why one is doing it. If you're 'just conversing' it sounds like the talking is more important than the connecting. And this is where a level of nuance comes in if anywhere.
Also with my family, friends, even old coworkers that I hardly knew, idle chatter is the main thing we do. It just happens naturally. I almost never have to be told that something is just conversation.
The times it gets strange is when somebody I hardly know is clearly trying to make it happen. That just makes everything awkward. It draws attention to the fact that things aren't quite flowing and causes this really stilted feeling. I really don't like this sense of "gee, things aren't going so well, I need to say words to make it better."
You can see this happen with the "how about them Bears" phenomenon. Some people say stuff just to say it, I've especially heard it ironically as a subject change from really awkward topics that nobody is comfortable with.
The times it gets strange is when somebody I hardly know is clearly trying to make it happen. That just makes everything awkward. It draws attention to the fact that things aren't quite flowing and causes this really stilted feeling. I really don't like this sense of "gee, things aren't going so well, I need to say words to make it better."
You can see this happen with the "how about them Bears" phenomenon. Some people say stuff just to say it, I've especially heard it ironically as a subject change from really awkward topics that nobody is comfortable with.
Mm, this has to do heavily with context and I can see there may be many facets to this subject. Certainly, I can see someone using the phrase in a negative or dismissive way but I'm referring specifically to do with the light, meaningless fluff talk. Again, you take it as someone talking just to talk, and it offends your individuality when the person at that moment doesn't want to connect with you on a level that you deem to be an actual connection, but I assure you, there definitely is a 'why' behind why people do this and it is never literally 'just' to chat and make meaningless noises at one another. Connection is always there in some capacity, otherwise, yes a Google chatbox would do just fine.
If someone tells you they just want a conversation, sometimes they are indicating the level of their intensity. Instead of asking you for a hug or unloading everything about their day, they just take comfort in socially acceptable chit-chat that follows social rules and simple conversation topics that guarantees a certain level of connection with you. Its about de-stressing and taking their minds off things. Or, even sadder, not having anyone to talk to that will listen. You being there is definitely a key component.
I guess it's the equivalent of the introvert hitting that 'I need time to myself now' wall without other people feeling abandoned or hurt. In order to recharge, they need to cut off all connection and be alone. Some people don't operate that way. They still need people but in a lesser capacity and sometimes idle chit-chat fulfills that role.
Last edited:
Yeah, I see this as a branch of this idle chat tree, but again, this isn't without a purpose. Think about it. People trying to fill an awkward silence is awkward, yes, but it shows an intent to restore social equilibrium and reconnect, if not altogether reveal their social discomfort. They're not *trying* to make it awkward for anyone in the convo, they're trying to fix things they (perhaps mistakenly) believe need fixing. You never had a moment where you misapplied your best of intentions to the wrong person or situation?
People do weird and awkward and sometimes insensitive things, but not every behaviour that makes you uncomfortable or creeped out is necessarily because of bad intentions.
Last edited:
No, I understand what you're saying. My dads wife will talk to me about nothing for hours. It's not important what she's saying but because she's close to me I will listen to her. I make an effort to be interested.
Anyway, I've been talking about the actual statement, and the fact that it's having to be said, and not the act.
I worry that I annoy everyone almost all the time.
Your previous posts suggested annoyance with people just talking for the sake of talking, hence my clarification. I'm glad to know we're on the same page now though!
Don't get me wrong, I do find it annoying a lot of times but I try to put others ahead of my annoyance. What I find annoying is annoying to me and it really can't be helped... it's not like I want to be annoyed by things.