Is this common among INFJs?

[choklad]

Hello everyone! I'm a new INFJ here looking forward to understanding more of myself and my type (weakness and so on)! Of course I don't want to limit indivuduals in one certain type!

I've been always having this issue of over-analyzing (like a typical INTJ in this case, I'm kind of obssessed with analyzing) and blaming myself (like an INFP as I read), mostly just in a romantic relationship but also in friendships. Since I always devoted too much to people I love, and where there were conflitcs, I got frustrated and became critical easily but soon after I would look into the problem and I tended to look for excuses for the other part, like "there must be some reason he did it and he didn't mean it and I shouldn't have blamed him for it" etc, while others would say I did nothing wrong and I should not be sorry. While I clearly knew it, I couldn't help being soft-hearted and wanted to compromise.

I'm sorry but I am very poor at expressing!

So all INFJs out there and those who have INFJs as partners/friends/family, I wonder if this is common among us that we are just "too nice" in that way or it's me having an issue?

Thanks in advance!

 

[grt$5vb]

It is common. We search for motive always in others and are very hard on ourselves.

 

[Grey Wolf]

Hello everyone! I'm a new INFJ here looking forward to understanding more of myself and my type (weakness and so on)! Of course I don't want to limit indivuduals in one certain type!

I've been always having this issue of over-analyzing (like a typical INTJ in this case, I'm kind of obssessed with analyzing) and blaming myself (like an INFP as I read), mostly just in a romantic relationship but also in friendships. Since I always devoted too much to people I love, and where there were conflitcs, I got frustrated and became critical easily but soon after I would look into the problem and I tended to look for excuses for the other part, like "there must be some reason he did it and he didn't mean it and I shouldn't have blamed him for it" etc, while others would say I did nothing wrong and I should not be sorry. While I clearly knew it, I couldn't help being soft-hearted and wanted to compromise.

I'm sorry but I am very poor at expressing!

So all INFJs out there and those who have INFJs as partners/friends/family, I wonder if this is common among us that we are just "too nice" in that way or it's me having an issue?

Thanks in advance!

Sounds precisely just like me! well, thats if I want to maintain the relationship though. if its someone I want out I think of worse stuff

 

[choklad]

Thank you both for replying!

Sounds precisely just like me! well, thats if I want to maintain the relationship though. if its someone I want out I think of worse stuff

Well I actually got dumped and felt he did something that hurt my feelings after the break-up, but I still thought he was special to me and I wouldn't mind maintaining our friendship. So I know clearly I don't want the relationship back. My friends said he did something obviously wrong and that he didn't care, but I'm stuck in the thought that I scolded him and hurt his feeling too, so I always and still feel I hurt him and I'm responsible for his never talking to me anymore, it makes me feel just sad and weak...

 

[BMatt]

I think your experience is likely common to many INFJs. . . and the reason many tend to try to hide from their Fe tendencies.


In a relationship, your Ni-Fe orientation lets you naturally empathize and understand your partner . . . which during all the bad feelings of a breakup, you end up feeling and understanding all of the resentment that the other person is having toward you. It is a weird situation that leaves you blaming yourself for not changing yourself. I've always believed I could fix anything, and have had a hard time letting go.


Everyone describes me as "too nice for my own good" . . . and that I need to stop letting people walk all over me.

My tendency to like everyone regardless of their actions leaves me in a weird place with people I've had relationships with. All my ex's know that they could come to me needing anything, and I'd do whatever I could for them. I leave it up to them to make the decision about maintaining any sort of friendship, or breaking off all contact for their own well being.

 

[choklad]

I think your experience is likely common to many INFJs. . . and the reason many tend to try to hide from their Fe tendencies.


In a relationship, your Ni-Fe orientation lets you naturally empathize and understand your partner . . . which during all the bad feelings of a breakup, you end up feeling and understanding all of the resentment that the other person is having toward you. It is a weird situation that leaves you blaming yourself for not changing yourself. I've always believed I could fix anything, and have had a hard time letting go.


Everyone describes me as "too nice for my own good" . . . and that I need to stop letting people walk all over me.

My tendency to like everyone regardless of their actions leaves me in a weird place with people I've had relationships with. All my ex's know that they could come to me needing anything, and I'd do whatever I could for them. I leave it up to them to make the decision about maintaining any sort of friendship, or breaking off all contact for their own well being.

By "tend to try to hide from their Fe tendencies", do you mean that we feel too confused to show our Fe?

Does it also theorically mean that Fi-Ne types don't empathize as much as we do? How about INFPs? They also value hamorny with people but are more self-absorbed or "selfish" due to Fi being dominant? Sometimes I feel the INFP description also fits me well that I'm highly sensitive to conflicts and I would do whatever to make myself feel good in front of conflicts.

I feel sorry to read about your relationships. I feel this is being too much for me to handle and I prefer not to feel this way, honestly, being heartless would make me feel I were doing myself a big favor...

 

[Paladin-X]

[MENTION=6601]choklad[/MENTION]

Though Fi is technically 'selfish', it's implication is inaccurate. An IxFP can be just as selfless as anyone else. It is more 'selfish' in the sense of they look to their own moral values and feelings to guide them.

Here is a quote I made in another thread about INFP vs INFJ

I was discussing Fi vs Fe with an INFP buddy of mine. It really helps me to flesh out how we are similar on the surface, yet very different underneath.

For example -- helping others. We both help others, even at the expense of our selves at times. For him however, when he takes on the needs of others, it is a conscious decision based on sympathy. "I feel bad for the guy, so I'm going to help him out". He has made a decision based on his personal feelings (Fi). I however, am compelled to help others, but not out of sympathy. There is no thinking or deciding to do, I just do it. For me, it is based on an empathetic connection. I don't feel sympathy for people, usually. Empathy is a different matter entirely. I act on someone else's feelings that I feel as if they were my own (Fe).

NOTE: The context of 'helping others' was based on a conversation about helping colleagues or peers at work.

NOTE2: Because the definitions of sympathy and empathy are a little vague or ambiguous to me, let me explain what I mean when I use the words. Sympathy is feeling sorry/bad/pity for someone based on their situation. Empathy is putting your feet in their shoes so to speak. I feel empathy and show sympathy. I think Fi users feel sympathy and show empathy.

NOTE3: In both examples of Fi vs Fe, this does not mean that either of us feels this way about everyone's problems all the time. It was a simplified example.

Both INFPs and INFJs value harmony. They just do it for slightly different reasons, similar to the example above.

 

[Solongo]

You are struggling to find a balance of your own "high" expectations of others and also the compromising of natural human behavior.

In my opinion; you may come to realize that by compromising to a "too nice" position will eventually come to feel even more disappointing OR you can come to grow tolerant of others' motivations and imperfect relationship behaviors. Either case; you need to create your own boundaries and list of rules that makes sense to you and also makes you feel comfortable. Without set rules you will forever be navigating, compromising and feeling unsure of others behaviors. The rules will make it easier for you to stay grounded and stand your ground against certain human behaviors will bug the shit out of an INFJ.

 

[BMatt]

By "tend to try to hide from their Fe tendencies", do you mean that we feel too confused to show our Fe?

Does it also theorically mean that Fi-Ne types don't empathize as much as we do? How about INFPs? They also value hamorny with people but are more self-absorbed or "selfish" due to Fi being dominant? Sometimes I feel the INFP description also fits me well that I'm highly sensitive to conflicts and I would do whatever to make myself feel good in front of conflicts.

I said this because my personal experience (which seems to shared by others) is that in the first big heartbreak, your entire world breaks down around you. A major part of Ni-Fe is feeling the way others feel . . . and when that other person is close to you and suddenly seems to feel that you're a terrible person, it can really shake up your view of yourself.

Personally, I spent years blocking out my intuitions . . . and tried to apply pure logic.

[MENTION=6601]choklad[/MENTION]

Though Fi is technically 'selfish', it's implication is inaccurate. An IxFP can be just as selfless as anyone else. It is more 'selfish' in the sense of they look to their own moral values and feelings to guide them.

Here is a quote I made in another thread about INFP vs INFJ

Both INFPs and INFJs value harmony. They just do it for slightly different reasons, similar to the example above.

This example is great. . . especially with the differentiation between sympathy and empathy.



I've adopted the metaphor that INFJs tend to instinctively walk in other people's shoes even if they don't fit, where INFPs will look at people's shoes and then try on a similar pair in the correct size for their Fi.

Since INFPs are trying on other people's shoes within their own size, it seems to be a closer fit to their core being. . . . so the result is that they can have far more authentic sympathy for others.

INFJs are trying on other people's shoes that don't fit quite right, but we're wearing them regardless. . . it all ends up seeming foreign confusing and painful to our feet, but we're still wearing those shoes even if we're desperate to take them off.

 

[choklad]

I said this because my personal experience (which seems to shared by others) is that in the first big heartbreak, your entire world breaks down around you. A major part of Ni-Fe is feeling the way others feel . . . and when that other person is close to you and suddenly seems to feel that you're a terrible person, it can really shake up your view of yourself.

Personally, I spent years blocking out my intuitions . . . and tried to apply pure logic.










This example is great. . . especially with the differentiation between sympathy and empathy.



I've adopted the metaphor that INFJs tend to instinctively walk in other people's shoes even if they don't fit, where INFPs will look at people's shoes and then try on a similar pair in the correct size for their Fi.

Since INFPs are trying on other people's shoes within their own size, it seems to be a closer fit to their core being. . . . so the result is that they can have far more authentic sympathy for others.

INFJs are trying on other people's shoes that don't fit quite right, but we're wearing them regardless. . . it all ends up seeming foreign confusing and painful to our feet, but we're still wearing those shoes even if we're desperate to take them off.

So true as for me, not just first love, every meaningful failed relationship made me depressed for a very very long time, at least a few months. I hate this so much and I don't know how to block my Ni-Fe and help myself. Everything was just automatic.

About the empathy-sympathy example. It makes sense to me when it comes to INFJs. Since I don't know many INFPs, I can't say so absolutely. Sometimes I also feel bad so that I help others, but most of time I automaticaly feel in their shoes even though I already knew they were too small. Thus when it didn't fit, it is very very painful. I don't know how to improve this in me. I don't want to live like this!

 

[choklad]

You are struggling to find a balance of your own "high" expectations of others and also the compromising of natural human behavior.

In my opinion; you may come to realize that by compromising to a "too nice" position will eventually come to feel even more disappointing OR you can come to grow tolerant of others' motivations and imperfect relationship behaviors. Either case; you need to create your own boundaries and list of rules that makes sense to you and also makes you feel comfortable. Without set rules you will forever be navigating, compromising and feeling unsure of others behaviors. The rules will make it easier for you to stay grounded and stand your ground against certain human behaviors will bug the shit out of an INFJ.

Thank you for your advice. I do have some rules, but when some things happened, I automatically act upon my feelings, even though I tried so hard to use my logic - really I could see much logic behind, but my behavior just wouldn't listen. If I act upon my logic in that case, I would be thinking about the whole thing for along time and still feel bad about being "cold".

 

[Shaggy Leo]

It does get better with age... Find yourself an older INFJ who can model setting and enforcing boundaries. I don't know, I have the feeling that you're young, like not more than 25 or that you've had a rather sheltered life and consequently tend to think the best of people until proven otherwise...

 

[choklad]

It does get better with age... Find yourself an older INFJ who can model setting and enforcing boundaries. I don't know, I have the feeling that you're young, like not more than 25 or that you've had a rather sheltered life and consequently tend to think the best of people until proven otherwise...

Thank you. Your feeling is right! I don't know any older INFJs, so I guess I have to struggle and hope it does get better for me with age. I found it hard to follow the boundaries I set. Once I could feel myself in others' shoes, it's impossible for me to turn back, because I could also see the logic why some people behave this way even though they hurt my feelings (if nothing like betrayal or lack of moralities), then my feeling follows this logic. If I don't, I would feel as if I would regret in the future while I could have done something to improve reations with others I care about.

 

[choklad]

[MENTION=6601]choklad[/MENTION]

Though Fi is technically 'selfish', it's implication is inaccurate. An IxFP can be just as selfless as anyone else. It is more 'selfish' in the sense of they look to their own moral values and feelings to guide them.

Here is a quote I made in another thread about INFP vs INFJ



Both INFPs and INFJs value harmony. They just do it for slightly different reasons, similar to the example above.

I had a talk with a friend who is ENFP, and it is so true! Thank you for your input! But I think INFPs tend to more be "selfish"/"self-absorbed" than ENFPs, thus more stubborn?

 

[Shaggy Leo]

Hmm, check out on youtube a video by Dave superpowers about the INFJ cognitive functions stack. He says that if the INFJ wants to beef up his/her top two functions, he/she ought to model on the ENFJ and I forgot which other types who share the same functions as the INFJ but in a different order.

Now, regardless of your friends' MBTI type, I'd say that if they found the guy did you wrong and say you are not to blame, then, listen to them. Contrary to you, they are not seeing him with starry eyes and they have nothing to gain from badmouthing him to you. Also, learn to express appreciation to these friends for their input, whether or not you choose to act on their advice or not. Because what often happens is that well-meaning friend get tired that their advice is not heeded. A friend can only hear so much "no, but you don't understand" before they turn their back on you. (I know, I got compassion fatigue towards one of those 'perpetual victims'...)

Also, here's a technique! Preface every conversation with a friend with either: ok, this is just a rant, I just want to let off steam and I am not seeking advice, ok? Or, if you ARE seeking advice, then say so. Because much as we like to think that it is WE, the INFJ who FEEL so much etc, we don't actually know do we? And it is good for the other party to KNOW where they stand exactly in relation to you: listening ear, free psychological service (!), free counsel (!) or purveyor of free hugs (LOL)...

Cheers.

 

[Paladin-X]

I had a talk with a friend who is ENFP, and it is so true! Thank you for your input! But I think INFPs tend to more be "selfish"/"self-absorbed" than ENFPs, thus more stubborn?

INFPs are definitely more stubborn, but that is because they are dominant judgers, with Fi being their top function. ENFPs are less stubborn because they are dominant perceivers, with Fi being their secondary function. In that way INFPs are almost like ExxJ types. Sort of.

In my observations, I have noticed that, in real life, INFPs are more selfless than ENFPs and ENFPs to be more selfish than INFPs. At least in the way they express themselves. Otherwise, both can be just as selfless and selfish as the other.

 

[Solongo]

Thank you for your advice. I do have some rules, but when some things happened, I automatically act upon my feelings, even though I tried so hard to use my logic - really I could see much logic behind, but my behavior just wouldn't listen. If I act upon my logic in that case, I would be thinking about the whole thing for along time and still feel bad about being "cold".

The issue seems then is not whether to follow your logic or feeling; you are afraid of the "judgement" of appearing cold. In which case you wish to not appear "cold" because you feel that you should be warm and accepting of others. You maybe associating being "cold" with uncaring and even being cruel. I think the opposite. Appearing cold at times is a necessity to protect yourself against people who will take advantage of your goodwill. You don't have to be "cold" per se when you make judgement calls on people because you are acting out of self protection and your personal expectation. Everyone does this to a certain degree. If you are making a judgement call and you bring in sincerity and honesty then it will cease to be cold. You cannot worry about how your actions are appearing to others. You should practice honoring your logic and feelings at the same time without guilt.

The extreme opposite of being cold would be a doormat. Don't be a doormat and stop feeling guilty for what you feel and what must be done.

 

[Lexika]

I've been always having this issue of over-analyzing (like a typical INTJ in this case, I'm kind of obssessed with analyzing) and blaming myself (like an INFP as I read), mostly just in a romantic relationship but also in friendships. Since I always devoted too much to people I love, and where there were conflitcs, I got frustrated and became critical easily but soon after I would look into the problem and I tended to look for excuses for the other part, like "there must be some reason he did it and he didn't mean it and I shouldn't have blamed him for it" etc, while others would say I did nothing wrong and I should not be sorry. While I clearly knew it, I couldn't help being soft-hearted and wanted to compromise.

You're probably in the process of developing introverted logic, Ti. It's supposed to develop around 20-30 years of age according to what this writeup states. This is why you're over-analyzing everything, because your brain is practicing using this function. It's not really like INTJs because for INTJ's logic is extroverted (Te) so they analyze by explicitly pointing out flaws in someone's proposal or reasoning (this is why they come off as more overtly critical in conversation). INFJ's logic is introverted so we analyze quietly to ourselves while spending time alone, unlike INTJs.

You may be also the intuitive subtype of INFJ (Ni-INFJ). Ni-INFJs have a stronger Ti function.
The ethical subtype of INFJ (Fe-INFJs) doesn't engage in as much analysis.

IDEALIST (Ni-INFJ)
The intuitive subtype appears as a quiet, tactful, languid and diffident individual. They seem torn off from reality, inert and poorly adapted to life. However, such impressions are erroneous, for they possess a fine intuition, which aids them in establishing useful connections and obtaining support from influential people. Seem externally serene but sentimentally are disposed to experience moodiness and bouts of melancholy. While their voice at times seems monotonous they often induce a light surprise, even full interest, from the interlocutor. Outwardly are pensive, slightly strained/intense. Prone to emanate sadness masked in sardonic irony. Speech is measured, smooth and intimately heart-felt. On their face they almost constantly exude a polite half-smile that easily wins people’s trust. Gestures are modest, shy. Gait is ponderous, elegant.

DIPLOMAT (Fe-INFJ)
The ethical subtype provides the impression of a soft, charming and emotional person. Usually look inspired and optimistic. Possess a fine sense of humor allowing them to list their problems and failures while smiling. Are ironic, crafty, unpredictably and inconsistent in behaviour and conversation. Creating original contrasts, they can unexpectedly prick and then just as quickly embrace/kiss. Artistic and charming; are eloquent in dialogue, occasionally portraying shades of familiarity and impudence. They’re generally affable, kind and careful. Easily draw attention and thereby attract people; talent towards persuasion: states requests in such a manner that it is difficult to refuse them. Movements are graceful as is their gait. Speech is emotional, rich with shades, sometimes melodious.

 

[Shaggy Leo]

Thank you. Your feeling is right! I don't know any older INFJs, so I guess I have to struggle and hope it does get better for me with age. I found it hard to follow the boundaries I set. Once I could feel myself in others' shoes, it's impossible for me to turn back, because I could also see the logic why some people behave this way even though they hurt my feelings (if nothing like betrayal or lack of moralities), then my feeling follows this logic. If I don't, I would feel as if I would regret in the future while I could have done Something to improve reations with others I care about.

It's impossible... I would... I could have...
All those high ideals - all those shoulds and oughts remind me of a much younger me... At 24, my mentor pointed out
just how those 'oughts and shoulds' (he called them fallacies) which until then had provided the much needed drive for academic success, had insidiously become constraining. Back then, I suffered from constant migraine and did not know how to relax. I now think it's the body's way of protesting all that "self-flagellation"...

 

[Eric86]

The issue seems then is not whether to follow your logic or feeling; you are afraid of the "judgement" of appearing cold. In which case you wish to not appear "cold" because you feel that you should be warm and accepting of others. You maybe associating being "cold" with uncaring and even being cruel. I think the opposite. Appearing cold at times is a necessity to protect yourself against people who will take advantage of your goodwill. You don't have to be "cold" per se when you make judgement calls on people because you are acting out of self protection and your personal expectation. Everyone does this to a certain degree. If you are making a judgement call and you bring in sincerity and honesty then it will cease to be cold. You cannot worry about how your actions are appearing to others. You should practice honoring your logic and feelings at the same time without guilt.

The extreme opposite of being cold would be a doormat. Don't be a doormat and stop feeling guilty for what you feel and what must be done.

Seconded, this is something you definitely need to work on choklad. Personally I am very good at it, but it comes naturally to me, so I can't expect it to be so easy for others to get used to when they are initially coming from the mindset you've been describing.

You're probably in the process of developing introverted logic, Ti. It's supposed to develop around 20-30 years of age according to what this writeup states. This is why you're over-analyzing everything, because your brain is practicing using this function. It's not really like INTJs because for INTJ's logic is extroverted (Te) so they analyze by explicitly pointing out flaws in someone's proposal or reasoning (this is why they come off as more overtly critical in conversation). INFJ's logic is introverted so we analyze quietly to ourselves while spending time alone, unlike INTJs.

You may be also the intuitive subtype of INFJ (Ni-INFJ). Ni-INFJs have a stronger Ti function.
The ethical subtype of INFJ (Fe-INFJs) doesn't engage in as much analysis.

IDEALIST (Ni-INFJ)
The intuitive subtype appears as a quiet, tactful, languid and diffident individual. They seem torn off from reality, inert and poorly adapted to life. However, such impressions are erroneous, for they possess a fine intuition, which aids them in establishing useful connections and obtaining support from influential people. Seem externally serene but sentimentally are disposed to experience moodiness and bouts of melancholy. While their voice at times seems monotonous they often induce a light surprise, even full interest, from the interlocutor. Outwardly are pensive, slightly strained/intense. Prone to emanate sadness masked in sardonic irony. Speech is measured, smooth and intimately heart-felt. On their face they almost constantly exude a polite half-smile that easily wins people’s trust. Gestures are modest, shy. Gait is ponderous, elegant.

DIPLOMAT (Fe-INFJ)
The ethical subtype provides the impression of a soft, charming and emotional person. Usually look inspired and optimistic. Possess a fine sense of humor allowing them to list their problems and failures while smiling. Are ironic, crafty, unpredictably and inconsistent in behaviour and conversation. Creating original contrasts, they can unexpectedly prick and then just as quickly embrace/kiss. Artistic and charming; are eloquent in dialogue, occasionally portraying shades of familiarity and impudence. They’re generally affable, kind and careful. Easily draw attention and thereby attract people; talent towards persuasion: states requests in such a manner that it is difficult to refuse them. Movements are graceful as is their gait. Speech is emotional, rich with shades, sometimes melodious.

I am TOTALLY the Idealist here, all of it, especially the parts about outward behavior and appearance, and most especially the sardonic irony and half-smile (which I do at the same time quite often lol), and modest/shy gestures. And my Ti is definitely a lot stronger than Fe, both from my opinion about myself based on their descriptions, and results from every test I've taken.