Is this behavior normal for an INFJ? | INFJ Forum

Is this behavior normal for an INFJ?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Einstein, May 23, 2010.

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  1. Einstein

    Einstein Three

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    Hi, everyone this is my first post on the infj forum, and as the title indicates I need help decoding an INFJ.

    I have known her for about three months, and liked her for about 2. About one month ago I tutored her and some of her friends in a group study session. At which point one of my friends was trying to hook the two of us up - the friend was an ENFP. At that point I simply asked her in front of everyone - because I was dead sure she did not like me - weather or not she liked me. She said that she only liked Asian guys, and did not have some secret love for me that was motivating her friend to try and hook us up. That was all fine and dandy until about two weeks ago, when I realized that I really do have feelings for her. Rumpelstiltskin!

    Currently we are spend much more time with one another than we used to, and I am not sure but I seem to be detecting differences or abnormalities in her behavior. Which if she is anything like me, means that there is much more to these differences than meets the eye.

    Abnormalities in her behavior.

    1. When I was tutoring her I got her to take the MBTI. She is an INFJ. She has apparently been to the intj forum, and done research on INTJs. I told her on day one that I was an INTJ.

    2. She seems to be upset that INTJs through people away after they have outlived their usefulness. She actually brought it up with me in class. Strange. My question is, why would she care?

    3. Last class, we are both total nerds and work really hard in school, I distracted her several times during the lecture by cracking jokes. They were good jokes by the way. But the odd part is that she just smiled, laughed, and cracked jokes back. Very odd, considering that she has never before then payed attention to anyone else, or talk to anyone else while the prof was talking. Also at no point did she slap me across the face and tell me to listen to the prof, as I would if anyone tried that stuff on me in class.

    4. In the last week, she has contacted me three times over the internet to chat about work, of course it then turns into other conversations about MBTI and stuff.

    5. While talking to her I have not been able to get very much info out her about her. But she did admit to being insecure, which I had to pry out of her based on her type. She then explained it in a general sense using the characteristics of an INFJ. I expected this, considering she is an INFJ, and does not like to let people in.

    6. I have requested that she call me when she needs help, but every time I do, she turns me down giving me some half baked excuse. I know she talks on the phone to some of her female friends, so why not me? It just seems abnormal.

    7. I may be grasping at straws on this one. She asked me about a post on the intj forum, the one about who is scarier INTJs or INFJs. Now, this is a very old post that is not easily found. You don't get it if you search INTJ or INFJ alone. You can find it quite easily though if you search INTJ and INFJ. I should know, I searched it to find out how the dynamic was.

    Any ways, what do you guys make of these abnormalities? Coincidence, or does she have feelings for me beyond me just being a friend.

    Sorry for the spelling mistakes, and for making you guys listen to the problems of another hopeless INTJ.

    Thank you for your help.
     
  2. Ergo Christobal

    Ergo Christobal Talking Lightbulb
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    First, I want to say that often INFJs' behavior is mistaken for romanticism. I'm not saying she's not into you, just don't jump to any conclusions. You might be able to get to know her enough to just have her tell you.
    I'll order my answers to her "abnormal" behavior respectively to yours.

    1) I don't see anything strange here.

    2) She's probably pretty interested in typology, especially if she just learned of the MBTI test. Her Jness wants to know.

    3) This might be a good sign, if she is breaking away somewhat from her Introvertedness to speak with you, and even more so if she's willing to break her no-talking rule to joke around.

    4) She might be just wanting to talk about MBTI, or she might be just talking to you about work. It's hard to tell, she might be trying to get to know you better.

    5) There's nothing wrong here, the INFJ's trust circle is small and difficult to get into. But, it's also the strongest. Be patient.

    6) this is normal too, INFJs usually won't admit to having something wrong. We like to help, and being helped not only requires plenty of trust but we'll have to get over the guilt of not helping the other person.

    7) once again, this could just be a drive to learn more about MBTI. She's likely always known everything about people, and now she just found a categorical system for typing people. It's a J goldmine!

    My recommendations:
    Be patient, don't jump to conclusions and definitely don't try to force yourself into that trust. It will come eventually, but she might be put off if you openly pursue her romantically if all she wants if friendship. She's not done anything abnormal, especially for an INFJ.
     
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  3. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Good sign
    Very good sign, as I recall not many profiles really state that INTJs through away people after they have outlived their usefulness, I think she might have been baiting you a tad bit. She wants you to deny a small notion that she has about either you or personality, to perhaps make her feel better about dating you.
    You are both generally interested in each other, it's obvious. She's more interested in you and as such, she is responding and talking with you.
    4. In the last week, she has contacted me three times over the internet to chat about work, of course it then turns into other conversations about MBTI and stuff.
    She's an INFJ. The fact that she even told you she was insecure was a slight crack in her guard. I think she's letting you in.

    Eh. Perhaps she doesn't like it. INFJs can be just as perfectionist as INTJs and, with that, she happens to care what other people think about her. She wants to seem reliable, so she must do everything herself type of thing perhaps. I'd try to make the relationship more personal instead of making it a teacher student type of relationship.

    Not to bring you down but it could have been for a platonic reason. I know how hard is it to find that particular thread because A) I posted in it and still don't see it in my usercp until 5 pages back
    Any ways, what do you guys make of these abnormalities? Coincidence, or does she have feelings for me beyond me just being a friend.

    Sorry for the spelling mistakes, and for making you guys listen to the problems of another hopeless INTJ.

    Thank you for your help.[/QUOTE]

    I'm an INTJ and I want to tell you two things: Trust your Ni and Fi on this one. If you're like me, you rarely just "like" someone in the way that you've stated. If your gut is telling you that she likes you, she probably likes you. Also. The second thing is that you actually put her in a horrible spot when you originally asked her if you like her. Think about it this way, you want to be a couple and as such you two are privy to information about the other individual. You don't just openly discuss these things out loud where people, as in her friends, will be judging you, her, and how she reacts.
     
  4. OP
    Einstein

    Einstein Three

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    Sorry for the mix up.

    6. We would already be talking about our homework online, and then I would ask if she and I could talk over the phone. She would then turn me down for one reason or another, with out actually stating what the reason is. For example, she will say ohh, but I need to start studying soon - even though talking to me on the phone and studying can be one in the same. Sorry for the misconception.
     
  5. Ergo Christobal

    Ergo Christobal Talking Lightbulb
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    Not too sure about that. Might just be too timid to talk on the phone, or worried that it'll be awkward. She obviously likes talking to you, just take it slow and your answers will unravel.

    Personally, I think you might have something. Good Luck!
     
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  6. Betteralone

    Betteralone Regular Poster

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    INFJ's are very complicated, deep, and mysterious people. There is SO much to us and we have an incredibly difficult time letting people in. We want more than anything to have an amazing romantic fairy tale romance, but we are afraid to let others get close to us and see who we really are. We are the rarest personality on earth and others usually think we are weird and just don't understand us.

    2. I would say she is testing the waters. She may very well like you, but be afraid. Be careful with her heart. It truly is fragile.

    3. She may very well be interested.

    4. She wants to get to know you, but can't do it without and excuse. She is afraid.

    5. Yep, as stated in paragraph one and on any INFJ description. : )

    6. She will never ask you for help. And is prolly afraid to call, cuz, you know, maybe you really don't like her, and if she starts to feel something and you don't, then it hurts.

    7. She is trying to figure you out. Wanting to know if she should let you in.

    If you truly like her, and you have the patience and take the time to really, truly get to know her, she will amaze and captivate you! You will be an incredibly lucky man to an INFJ with all that they have to offer.:nod:

    Oh, and I hate to be put on the spot or the center of attention - when you asked if she liked you in front of everyone. We are very private people. I also don't like talking on the phone, I would much rather IM as it is not as intimidating.

    Disclaimer: I answered these questions in regard to what I would be thinking and feeling if I were to do what she is doing. Hope this helps! :mhula:
     
    #6 Betteralone, May 23, 2010
    Last edited: May 23, 2010
  7. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    If you like her, quit trying to read minds and ask her out. Reducing someone to MBTI is a waste of time and energy in this case.
     
  8. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    INTJs are so cute when they're trying to analyse NFs... especially whilst heartsickly referring to certain behaviors as abnormalities.

    You will find out if she has feelings for you by carefully and slowly revealing your own. Take heart young brave!
     
  9. VH

    VH Variable Hybrid

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    I speak INTJ, allow me to assist.

    Hehe, her behavior seems very normal to me.

    If she's been there, it means she is curious about INTJs. More than any other type INFJs seek to understand people through mechanisms like MBTI.

    As mentioned, INFJs, more than any other type seek to understand people through mechanisms like MBTI. She was trying to better understand INTJs by asking you to explain.

    At any point did anyone else ever do what you did? Probably not. You'll find that INFJs and INTJs are very much partners in crime in a lot of ways. My best friend is an INTJ, and we have an uncanny way of being on each other's page. She's probably been sitting there thinking of witty things to say just like you. Don't take it personal that you have a lot in common. It's the Ni dominance.

    Yup, she's interested in understanding INTJs better, and it is clear that you two have the Ni dominance in common, which is going to lead to a lot of harmony in your approach to things. It's odd, but me and my INTJ friends... all three of them... never seem to run out of things to talk about. Learn to accept (and work around) this phenomenon. It's just part of the type dynamic. We both start at the same place (Ni), but both go in opposite directions from there (Te or Fe). This keeps us on the same page, but with lots to discuss.

    Keep in mind that we are Fe, so we self identify in terms of social roles. When she's telling you about the parts of the INFJ that match up with her, she's being the most open.

    Social roles. She's keeing you at a distance because your social role is INTJ guy from class whom she can learn about INTJs from.

    Don't assume that she's looking for anything other than to understand type better by typing that search. Remember, we're Se inferior, so we learn best through personal experience, and by orienting from our own experiences.

    I really don't think she's romantically interested in you. We're extroverted feelers. If she was into you, you'd know by now. We don't have trouble telling people how we feel unless we're afraid it will hurt, upset, or dissappoint. Sorry bro. However, it sounds like she might be interested in keeping you as a friend, and INFJs make great friends to INTJs.

    Also, consider asking her if she knows any other INTJs... my hunch is that she is doing this as a project to understand someone else better.
     
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    #9 VH, May 23, 2010
    Last edited: May 23, 2010
  10. OP
    Einstein

    Einstein Three

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    Interesting points. Nobleheart, I have a question for you, not to single you out, how long does it take an INFJ to confess weather or not they like you? As I have said above, we have know each other for around 3 months, but during those three months, excluding the past 2 weeks, we have talked to each other perhaps 3 times in total. It has not been until recently, when we both took the same summer course, that we started to really talk to each other. Also It has been less than a week since we started to communicate beyond the class room. So, knowing this, would she have told me already if she liked me? Is one to two weeks really enough time for you guys? Speaking from an INTJ perspective, it usually takes me atleast a month before I am fully aware of how much I like someone.

    As for the MBTI, I should mention that their are two ENFPs right beside us in our row. Why is she so interested in INTJs? I have not heard her breath a word about ENFPs, but we have talked a lot about INTJs. INFJs and ENFPs are supposed to be ideal partners, why not investigate them? INTJs are not that interesting, we are just like an old Carmel candy. We have a rock hard exterior, that protects our soft gooey interior.

    Yes, I know that asking her directly in front of our friends was a bad move, but I did not like her back then, nor did I think she liked me. I was more or less just trying to get my ENFP friend to stop trying to hook us up. With this in light, how should I approach finding out if she likes me? Do you guys respond well to the direct approach? You know, just asking them in private, or should I drop hints that I like her and wait for her to talk to me? Any other suggestions? :m032:

    Thank you all for you help.
     
  11. RoSe41

    RoSe41 Community Member

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    My suggestion

    !st, If you really have feelings for her, then you don't give it up easily!!!
    2nd, you need to observe with her inner feelings, then act out (using your best ideas)! if you can't observe her feelings inside her from her actions, she may think that you are not her type... (I guessed) --- care more about her feelings, less with the unimportant things.

    Ok, that's it, I think.
     
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  12. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    Asking in private is good.
     
  13. RoSe41

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    Quote:"how long does it take an INFJ to confess weather or not they like you?"

    *I think she's gonna tell you everything about this relationship, only if you can make her feel you are honest and will always be fair to her!! And maybe certain kinds of feelings like "certainty, security, and bilss".

    And another quote:"You know, just asking them in private, or should I drop hints that I like her and wait for her to talk to me? Any other suggestions?"

    *I think you need to tell her about your feelins, frankly and totally! If you can do this, she's gonna consider about this by herself! Don't use "hints", cause I think that's not what she's gonna like. :(
     
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