[INFJ] - Is door slamming a conscious decision? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Is door slamming a conscious decision?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Anne38, Aug 14, 2019.

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  1. Anne38

    Anne38 Newbie

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    I was looking on another board that was talking about INFJ doorslam. Someone described as a "tactic" used by INFJ, like it was a form of manipulation or control. At the very least this person thought it was a controllable decision.

    Personally I feel like it's a deep part of my brain that door slams. If I do it, it's after I have given the person EVERY opportunity to redeem themselves, but they screwed me yet again. Granted, it's sudden. A switch flips and it's over. There have been times when I wish I coukd make it work though. I might even try to speak to them if hopes of feeling differently, but the door is shut. Emotionally they are dead to me.

    Do you feel the same way, or do you plan a door slam?
     
  2. Daustus

    Daustus Permanent Fixture

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    The few times I've done it, it wasn't a conscious decision. Totally a self preservation instinct. I needed space and took it and after awhile kept the distance.
     
  3. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    Yes. Key word is "slamming". Closing yourself off has the same effect, but without the deliberation.

    But it's just semantics at this point
     
  4. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

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    Definitely.

    I "feel" it before I take the decision. Meaning I do subconsciously reach out less or my behavior changes. However, I eventually realize what I'm doing and question why I'm behaving that way and then process through it and make a final decision.

    I always communicate to that person too, at least if I respect them, the gravity of the situation and give them one final chance.

    The reason for me that it happens so suddenly and I need a second to catch up with myself is because I think external feeling, Fe, makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to know that I'm feeling at any given time. I absorb everyone's feelings so I'm always confused. And when I do realize I have a feeling I have no idea why and have to soul search until I can interpret why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.

    For me feelings manifest as sensations in my body, not thoughts, that just makes it tough to be conscious about the decisions I'm making that are feeling based because I FEEL them, not think them. But usually my thinking catches up and then I am able to explain what's going on and be rational with people.
     
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  5. Sidfanforever

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    I read about the Door Slam here on the Forum for the first time about 3 years ago. I then realized that this is what I have been doing all my life. I never thought of it as a Door Slam though. It never seemed so harsh. It was like I just walked away and never looked back. I may have been angry and disappointed but I think I was more sad than anything. It was a more gentle situation for me; sad but gentle. I never thought I was manipulating anyone but more like protecting myself; my emotions.
     
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  6. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Door slamming is not a "tactic" or meant to be manipulative. It means the person is out of your life. Gone. There is nothing left to manipulate. It's like stepping into another universe and leaving that person behind in the old one.

    In my case door slamming is a conscious decision and it is an automatic decision, like turning off a switch. It does come after the person has been given many chances.

    If I door slam I will not speak to, or interact with, the person again. For this reason, I don't door slam if I think we'll have to interact again, and I refuse to ghost, so I just distance myself from those I'd rather not know, and keep it very short and light if I need to interact with them. Door slamming is pretty rare for me. I saw one person on the street once after slamming them and I looked past them as if they weren't there.
     
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  7. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    The experience of dooslamming is exactly the same for me Asa:) I'm glad it's not just me.

    I hope you're well x
     
  8. ThomasJ79

    ThomasJ79 Pondering

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    I hate when I go to slam the door really, really hard, and my pesky fingers jump in the way.
     
  9. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    You put that perfectly Slant! I completely relate to what you say in regards to understanding your feelings and how your thoughts eventually catch up to that intuitive decision. Thanks.
     
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  10. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Completely concur with @Asa

    I've just door-slammed someone I love deeply; the second such person in my life. When it actually happens, it's like an automatic switch. At first there is a disappointment, which soon turns into the greatest sense of relief.

    I may sound conceited saying this, but I think on the whole no one can love the way an INFJ loves. It runs deep to our souls and we happily give up so much of ourselves for the happiness of those we truly love on this level. I see that automatic doorslam as the greatest gift we have been given to protect ourselves. I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for this.
     
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  11. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    I do try to work through things with people and communicate while that person is edging toward a slam, too, unless the person's behavior is so over the top they know exactly why I will slam them.

    Sometimes I think a warning can make the person's behavior worse, especially if they are the unhealthy boundary-crossing type.

    Good to see you, Jonah!
     
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  12. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Ohhhh, I'm sorry. I think I know of the person you are speaking about and I'm sad it ended this way, but also happy for your wellness now that you have made that decision. <3

    I agree that when INFJs fall in love (not easy to do) we love with a rare intensity. It is a blessing and a curse.
     
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  13. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Exactly the same:)

    Likewise Asa:)
     
  14. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

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    Thank you Asa, that means a lot to me.

    I'm completely done with it and it feels like such a weight off my shoulders. I feel like I've just freed up so much of my life. I hope this is how it remains.

    It truly is both a blessing and a curse at times. The main thing though is to not let anyone harden our hearts; just to continue going out in the world with love, despite the chance of pain and heartbreak. I'd easily choose the chance heartbreak and pain over becoming cold-hearted and living in fear.
     
  15. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    I don't give a shit about most people because they're fucking stupid.

    I just focus on what I've got to do.
     
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  16. Siku

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    I've always felt extremely guilty for doorslamming and of course I still do. Due to constant reality punches to the face lol, I've done it quite significantly recently. Painfully, It's also a instantaneous route to loneliness and isolation and you can't help but feel it's pointless to let those people back into your life.

    Most of what's been said here already I can absolutely and whole-heartedly agree and relate with. I love you guys!
     
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  17. Sayuchito

    Sayuchito Newbie

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    I remember my first broke up with boyfriend.
    He wasn't talking to me for like a month. After sadly days I finally decided to broke up with him. I wrote to him, that I've had enough sadness and if he will still be like this I don't wanna be in such kind of relationship like this. In the next they he responds, that our broke up will be better for each other. Then I totally ,,removed" him from my life.
    That was 3 years ago. Until today, we weren't talking to each other.
    I don't feel guilty because of it. Maybe I did that because I thought that will be better for two of us. Or I didn't wanna feel such a pain because of love (?).
    After a few months, I discovered the MBTI/personality test, etc. I didn't know, that's kind of thing have a name for it. A door slam.
    Then I realized, that I did more door slams than once, even before this relationship.
     
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  18. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Permanent Fixture

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    door slamming is the worst, sorry to beat a dead horse. i don't think people have problems with being "out", it's how you do it. i feel like people would respect it much more if you just said what you "want"

    also, i think it's short-sighted to cut off and do not leave the door open conditionally to some extent and have an option to wipe the slate clean

    totally the difference between Js and Ps and to some extent Fs and Ts

    it's like y'all need to constantly give yourself the glass-half-empty reasons to pound the decision into existence--what a terrible way to live

    i have cut people out of my life but when i do i make it real clear why, what percentage or degree i am in that position and what it would take to re-level it

    i feel my doorslams with infjs provide zero to that end

    you say you've "told" us but you really don't

    people need things S P E L L E D O U T
     
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  19. Sidfanforever

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    100% As I age and look back at all the door slams. I realize there was no actual closure because the people I slammed didn’t get an explanation so it was really pointless. I hurt because those people are no longer in my life but they have no clear understanding why I walked away. I’m going to spell it out from now on. You are so right. Thanks
     
  20. Daustus

    Daustus Permanent Fixture

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    I first encountered the term doorslam about 5 years ago. I realized I had done a few doorslams in my life. I really didn't have words for it personally and I really wasn't aware that I had made a formal decision to doorslam some of my people. All of my people I didn't give an explanation, I just ghosted and moved on. I reached out to everyone I could remember that would meet up that I walked out on and apologized, and told them why. I rebuilt 2 friendships. It was good to provide and get closure. It was equally important to me and them. I understand myself and now actively tell people if I need to step back or if the relationship is changing.

    Guilty as charged. Problem with this for myself is that it's obvious to me. Like painfully obvious. I'm learning that it's not obvious. Maybe an Ni/Fe thing? I'm actively trying to express my thoughts and emotions. Serving the whole enchilada.
     
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