[INFJ] - Is door slamming a conscious decision? | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] Is door slamming a conscious decision?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Anne38, Aug 14, 2019 at 2:38 PM.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 5 users.
More threads by Anne38
  1. Anne38

    Anne38 Newbie

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2019
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    29
    Trophy Points:
    762
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I was looking on another board that was talking about INFJ doorslam. Someone described as a "tactic" used by INFJ, like it was a form of manipulation or control. At the very least this person thought it was a controllable decision.

    Personally I feel like it's a deep part of my brain that door slams. If I do it, it's after I have given the person EVERY opportunity to redeem themselves, but they screwed me yet again. Granted, it's sudden. A switch flips and it's over. There have been times when I wish I coukd make it work though. I might even try to speak to them if hopes of feeling differently, but the door is shut. Emotionally they are dead to me.

    Do you feel the same way, or do you plan a door slam?
     
    Siku, Jonah Caan and Asa like this.
  2. Daustus

    Daustus Community Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2019
    Threads:
    3
    Messages:
    674
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    4,096
    Trophy Points:
    1,042
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Secret Hideout
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5
    The few times I've done it, it wasn't a conscious decision. Totally a self preservation instinct. I needed space and took it and after awhile kept the distance.
     
    Siku, Synergos, Jonah Caan and 2 others like this.
  3. ruji

    ruji Well-known weirdo

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2009
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    15,086
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    41,466
    Trophy Points:
    2,427
    MBTI:
    xxxx
    Yes. Key word is "slamming". Closing yourself off has the same effect, but without the deliberation.

    But it's just semantics at this point
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Siku, Synergos and Asa like this.
  4. slant

    slant Fairly Tragic

    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2008
    Threads:
    282
    Messages:
    7,801
    Featured Threads:
    8
    Likes Received:
    2,067
    Trophy Points:
    892
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    6w5
    Definitely.

    I "feel" it before I take the decision. Meaning I do subconsciously reach out less or my behavior changes. However, I eventually realize what I'm doing and question why I'm behaving that way and then process through it and make a final decision.

    I always communicate to that person too, at least if I respect them, the gravity of the situation and give them one final chance.

    The reason for me that it happens so suddenly and I need a second to catch up with myself is because I think external feeling, Fe, makes it EXTREMELY difficult for me to know that I'm feeling at any given time. I absorb everyone's feelings so I'm always confused. And when I do realize I have a feeling I have no idea why and have to soul search until I can interpret why I'm feeling what I'm feeling.

    For me feelings manifest as sensations in my body, not thoughts, that just makes it tough to be conscious about the decisions I'm making that are feeling based because I FEEL them, not think them. But usually my thinking catches up and then I am able to explain what's going on and be rational with people.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Siku, Synergos, Asa and 1 other person like this.
  5. Sidfanforever

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Threads:
    7
    Messages:
    26
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    75
    Trophy Points:
    458
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I read about the Door Slam here on the Forum for the first time about 3 years ago. I then realized that this is what I have been doing all my life. I never thought of it as a Door Slam though. It never seemed so harsh. It was like I just walked away and never looked back. I may have been angry and disappointed but I think I was more sad than anything. It was a more gentle situation for me; sad but gentle. I never thought I was manipulating anyone but more like protecting myself; my emotions.
     
    Siku, Synergos and Daustus like this.
  6. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    73
    Messages:
    4,201
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    21,353
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Door slamming is not a "tactic" or meant to be manipulative. It means the person is out of your life. Gone. There is nothing left to manipulate. It's like stepping into another universe and leaving that person behind in the old one.

    In my case door slamming is a conscious decision and it is an automatic decision, like turning off a switch. It does come after the person has been given many chances.

    If I door slam I will not speak to, or interact with, the person again. For this reason, I don't door slam if I think we'll have to interact again, and I refuse to ghost, so I just distance myself from those I'd rather not know, and keep it very short and light if I need to interact with them. Door slamming is pretty rare for me. I saw one person on the street once after slamming them and I looked past them as if they weren't there.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Siku, ruji, Synergos and 2 others like this.
  7. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    378
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2,151
    Trophy Points:
    1,012
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    The experience of dooslamming is exactly the same for me Asa:) I'm glad it's not just me.

    I hope you're well x
     
    Siku, Daustus and Asa like this.
  8. ThomasJ79

    ThomasJ79 Pondering

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2012
    Threads:
    26
    Messages:
    2,089
    Featured Threads:
    5
    Likes Received:
    5,226
    Trophy Points:
    902
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    Ni
    Enneagram:
    4w5 sx/sp
    I hate when I go to slam the door really, really hard, and my pesky fingers jump in the way.
     
    Daustus, Jonah Caan and Asa like this.
  9. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    378
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2,151
    Trophy Points:
    1,012
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    You put that perfectly Slant! I completely relate to what you say in regards to understanding your feelings and how your thoughts eventually catch up to that intuitive decision. Thanks.
     
    Siku, Synergos, slant and 2 others like this.
  10. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    378
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2,151
    Trophy Points:
    1,012
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Completely concur with @Asa

    I've just door-slammed someone I love deeply; the second such person in my life. When it actually happens, it's like an automatic switch. At first there is a disappointment, which soon turns into the greatest sense of relief.

    I may sound conceited saying this, but I think on the whole no one can love the way an INFJ loves. It runs deep to our souls and we happily give up so much of ourselves for the happiness of those we truly love on this level. I see that automatic doorslam as the greatest gift we have been given to protect ourselves. I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for this.
     
    Siku, Synergos, Daustus and 1 other person like this.
  11. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    73
    Messages:
    4,201
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    21,353
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I do try to work through things with people and communicate while that person is edging toward a slam, too, unless the person's behavior is so over the top they know exactly why I will slam them.

    Sometimes I think a warning can make the person's behavior worse, especially if they are the unhealthy boundary-crossing type.

    Good to see you, Jonah!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Siku, Daustus and Jonah Caan like this.
  12. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    73
    Messages:
    4,201
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    21,353
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ

    Ohhhh, I'm sorry. I think I know of the person you are speaking about and I'm sad it ended this way, but also happy for your wellness now that you have made that decision. <3

    I agree that when INFJs fall in love (not easy to do) we love with a rare intensity. It is a blessing and a curse.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Siku, Synergos, Daustus and 1 other person like this.
  13. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    378
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2,151
    Trophy Points:
    1,012
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Exactly the same:)

    Likewise Asa:)
     
    Siku, Daustus and Asa like this.
  14. Jonah Caan

    Jonah Caan Community Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    378
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2,151
    Trophy Points:
    1,012
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Thank you Asa, that means a lot to me.

    I'm completely done with it and it feels like such a weight off my shoulders. I feel like I've just freed up so much of my life. I hope this is how it remains.

    It truly is both a blessing and a curse at times. The main thing though is to not let anyone harden our hearts; just to continue going out in the world with love, despite the chance of pain and heartbreak. I'd easily choose the chance heartbreak and pain over becoming cold-hearted and living in fear.
     
    Siku, Daustus and Asa like this.
  15. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    7,456
    Likes Received:
    26,217
    Trophy Points:
    2,877
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    I don't give a shit about most people because they're fucking stupid.

    I just focus on what I've got to do.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  16. Siku

    Donor

    Joined:
    Monday
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    307
    Trophy Points:
    812
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    No idea
    MBTI:
    PTSD
    I've always felt extremely guilty for doorslamming and of course I still do. Due to constant reality punches to the face lol, I've done it quite significantly recently. Painfully, It's also a instantaneous route to loneliness and isolation and you can't help but feel it's pointless to let those people back into your life.

    Most of what's been said here already I can absolutely and whole-heartedly agree and relate with. I love you guys!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  17. Sayuchito

    Sayuchito Newbie

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2019
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    20
    Likes Received:
    119
    Trophy Points:
    802
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Poland
    MBTI:
    INFJ-T
    Enneagram:
    2w1
    I remember my first broke up with boyfriend.
    He wasn't talking to me for like a month. After sadly days I finally decided to broke up with him. I wrote to him, that I've had enough sadness and if he will still be like this I don't wanna be in such kind of relationship like this. In the next they he responds, that our broke up will be better for each other. Then I totally ,,removed" him from my life.
    That was 3 years ago. Until today, we weren't talking to each other.
    I don't feel guilty because of it. Maybe I did that because I thought that will be better for two of us. Or I didn't wanna feel such a pain because of love (?).
    After a few months, I discovered the MBTI/personality test, etc. I didn't know, that's kind of thing have a name for it. A door slam.
    Then I realized, that I did more door slams than once, even before this relationship.
     
    Asa likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page