[INTP] looking for a relationship advice with INFJ | INFJ Forum

[INTP] looking for a relationship advice with INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Eishes, Jul 18, 2013.

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  1. Eishes

    Eishes Three

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    Hey there!
    First time posting here, actually I've never been on this forum before, but I'm just going crazy because of this INFJ girl and I really have no idea whether I should just let her go or keep fighting for her.

    Well, here we go! Wall of txt inc.

    Let me just explain how it all started.
    We live in a small town and when it comes to entertainment there aren't many good choices, so we spend our free time at the same places.
    Half a year ago we didn't know each other and I've noticed she's been checking me out, but every time I would just shrug it off, since I'm used to it because of my good looks (others told me), I'm also really outgoing and socially adept INTP.
    Back then I've been telling myself she was just another boring girl interested in my looks and nothing else.
    Then one day I've overheard two of my friends talking about her and heard something along the lines of "she's just wants someone to care and love her" and that sparked my interest and I've gave it a shot.
    To make a long story short, we hit it off, she had something that I just cannot explain, told myself "Wow, this girl is something special!" and she was and we kissed at that first date.

    We went out together, had those long conversations, every now and then I would make something creative for her, like a puzzle or something and there would always be a prize at the end, there was a poem in one that made her cry with a smile on her face.
    She told me she couldn't believe I could be interested in her and that she was just below my league, I would just laugh and tell her that she's stunning, beautiful, gorgeous inside and out, but I kind of knew she believed what she was saying, because of the jerks she dated before.

    Two months in, she went cold, asked her what's wrong, she said that we needed to talk. She said that because of her last relationship (in which her ex cheated on her) she just can't love right now and that it's for the best if we would just stay friends.
    I felt devastated, used and confused, blamed myself. Being friends failed for me, so I've decided to break all the contact, but told her that I'm not trying to play games and explained why I was doing it.
    Days of alcohol abuse started, which actually helped, I've even met her cheating ex, had a civilized talk with him and slowly I've managed to heal.

    Month passed and I was getting ready for a surgery, she contacted me and wished me luck, I've said thanks and told her that everything will be alright. Surgery went well, got home and she contacted me again and said that she couldn't wait for me to get back on my feet and we started talking again.
    Finally I was ready to go out again, she went cold again. Got a bit confused and angry because I still love her.

    Another awkward month passed, had almost no contact with her and I've decided to tell her that I don't blame her and that even tho' I miss her I just want her to be happy and live her life.
    She told me that she's been talking to her ex and said she knew I was talking to him and asked me to tell her what he told me about her and I've told her the truth, which wasn't pretty.
    Basically what happened next is that she opened up, told me everything about her previous relationship and even shown me the message where she told her ex goodbye forever.
    Told her that I still care for her, she said that she is just not ready, but wants to hang out and get to know me better.

    So INFJs, what's your view on this?
    Is there hope for us now or am I just gong to end up hurting myself again?
    And yes I love this woman or as we INTPs would say, my serotonin and oxytocin levels are off the charts when I think about or am near her, and would give up anything to have her back.
     
  2. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    If she's worth it to you, then wait if you want. Doesn't guarantee you won't get hurt though. /notaninfjtho

    If that's what you choose to do, I'd let her know up front that you're willing to wait and see, but that you won't wait forever. And also if you don't think you can resist the urge to henpeck her about it and feel distraught after that, then save yourself the trouble and move on. It's not an entirely unreasonable request on her part to get to know you better after just a few months, but you're the only one (aside from her I guess) who's going to be able to see if it's going anywhere over time, and to decide whether or not to move on if it isn't.
     
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  3. PandaBookie

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    I think she is just really down from her previous relationship and is more guarded than usual. INFJ's are naturally guarded and with an event of betrayal, she probably thinks that she can't trust anyone or show her deep, real feelings. I think the way to go is to talk to her as friends. Being friends is something she really needs right now. She's like an onion. You may cry sometimes from it but in the end you will find a small bulb that you can cherish forever. I hope this helps!
     
  4. dwr46y

    dwr46y Well-known weirdo

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    I didn't read your post, but I read the beginning, the part I want to address.
    To be in love is one thing, but don't try to live up to some romantic ideal. The difference is being in love with her, and being in love with love.
    You need to keep a healthy balance. If you're doing nothing but "fighting for her", you might be giving her too much power. She'll abuse it, and make you fight some more. At this point, she obviously doesn't love you, but doesn't mind what she can use you for.
     
  5. Always thinking

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    I would advise you to give her some space. INFJ's do not like to be crowded or pushed. We will either do things on the outside so that we don't hurt your feelings and yet on the inside, we are wondering why we are there. Or.....we will run like heck. Hurting people's feelings is very hard for us at times so we most often opt to play the martyr and just go along with it. That's not what you want and she probably doesn't either. Be ok with friends right now and guard your heart to some degree, it's always wise, no matter what.
     
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  6. OP
    Eishes

    Eishes Three

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    Thanks for all the input!

    Always thinking, those are my exact thoughts. I'm afraid she just doesn't want to hurt my feelings or risk losing a good friend and tell me that she can never see us in a romantic relationship, which would actually, tremendously, ease the "pain" for me. I think asking her directly would put her under a lot of pressure and she probably wouldn't give me the whole truth. Maybe I should just relax a bit and be her friend for the time being, or not... wouldn't that give her too much power, but still I don't want to play these mind games with her, but if stay friends with her with hopes of getting together I will probably just hurt myself again, although in my mind I think she's worth it.

    Hahahah, all the feelings, it's like I'm slowly turning into an INFP.
    Dunno, like I've said, I've never met someone like her and I just don't want her to be THE ONE that got away without me trying to do everything I can.
     
  7. Korg

    Korg Banging on the walls

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    Christ, you can't interpret that mess. I say just be yourself and if she wants you, she'll come around.

    I also wouldn't rule out the possibility you friendzoned yourself.
     
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  8. Lexika

    Lexika Community Member

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    You're taking it too hard on yourself. This may actually have little to do with you. INFJs which are IEIs/INFps in socionics have a romancing style called "Victim": Romance Styles. What this means is that INFJs have a LOT of doubts just about anything (not only relationships) and will come up with all kinds of reasons for why they shouldn't act, why they shouldn't go on and proceed forward in life. What they are instinctively looking for (the implicit signal your girl is sending) is someone who is strong, confident, and stubborn enough to help them overcome their internal doubts by virtue of one's own confidence. The natural partner of INFJs are therefore ExTPs because it is often ExTPs who can overcome their doubts and "barriers" to start up a relationship with them. INTPs often lack in self-confidence to do it unless they succeed in figuring out what is going on.

    Another thing is that you should expect INFJs to be "flaky" because they are irrational types. Their dominant function is Ni, which is irrational, and it makes them go back-and-forth and be very internally indecisive. It's up to you to figure out whether you can handle it. Many INTPs cannot because as Ti-dominants and rational types they are looking for somebody who can offer more consistency than the INFJ (the natural partner of INTP are therefore ExFJ types who are also rational).

    If you want to read more about this relationship, it's called relations of benefit where INFJ (IEI) is benefactor to INTP (LII):
    Benefit Relations
    IEI/INFp - LII/INTj relations
     
  9. Hashim

    Hashim Lucky

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    Exactly.

    As a fellow NT I suggest you man up dude. Take her emotional waffling on the chin like a man. She clearly needs space and give her 6 months or what ever you prefer but then lay down the law. Either she makes up her mind or. You walk away because its better for the both of you.

    You need to be able to give her what she needs even when it kills you inside. If she needs space you give her space. If she needs emotional support you awkwardly give her that as well. If she needs bitter medicine you need to man up and tell her to suck it up because its for her own good.

    You needs to be able to be self less and sacrifice your own comfort for her. Sacrifice your DESIRES for her NEEDS. Anything less and you might as well walk away right now. Cuz it wont work in the long run. Manliness is all about giving, the yang is outward seeking etc etc.

    She may need you to be firm with her eventually. Firm as in we are dating weather you like it or not because I know thats good for you, or firm as in I am walking away breaking your your heart because I know its good for you in the long run.

    I hope this clears up your question.
     
  10. Nixie

    Nixie Resurrected

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    Sounds like she is putting you through your paces. Depends on whether you like the way she is training you to act or not.
     
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  11. Phoenix Down

    Phoenix Down Permanent Fixture

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    Welp, I guess it really just depends on what you want to do. I mean, in a way that also respects the girl's wishes.
    If you're fine being just friends, that's cool. But I'm not entirely convinced how you would do if she were to say, go out with another guy in the future?

    You need to be honest and upfront for hers and your own sake.

    Tell her if she's not ready ready for a relationship, then you will respect her feelings and back off.
    BUT She also needs to acknowledge that you have feelings for her, and if y'all hang out she needs to be prepared to deal with that eventually.

    Let her know your synapses are overloaded and it's confusing. because you want a shot at her, but you don't want to make her uncomfortable. Why? Because you care about her feelings. She's special to you, so you're afraid of being rejected by her.
    You're human.

    Now I'd actually advise this all be written. It your handwriting isn't abysmal, hand write it. Make it personal. Put it in an envelope and mail it to her. I hate to be presumptuous, but they INTPs I know all prefer to write out what they think rather than saying it, and they're usually damn good writers. Use your strenghts. BE YOU.

    anyway, that's all I got. If that don't work, I wouldn't waste my time. but that's just me.
     
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  12. OP
    Eishes

    Eishes Three

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    Thanks everyone!

    Well, over the past couple of weeks I've tried asking her numerous times to just hang out (we met once, accidentally, before all this and had a couple of drinks with our friends), even with our mutual friends, but every time there was this obvious "lame excuse", like she wanted to tell me something, but didn't want to hurt my feelings.

    I've confronted her about it, over txt, she said that she feels awkward knowing I want something more and her not giving it.
    Told her I understand it completely, then asked her to be brutally honest about her feelings for me, she pretty much told me the same thing about her not being ready and wanting to try being single for the time being.

    So I've decided to, well, pretty much let her go. Told her that I would cut off my right hand for her, but that I'm giving her her freedom, that I won't be contacting her again, but that she can always come to me, even for the most trivial things. Heh, shed a tear for the first time in like 15 years...

    Feeling quite depressed right now, having near suicidal thoughts knowing this is probably it, I lost her, but I know these feelings will soon go away. Going camping tomorrow with my friends, guess that will help, I just hope they'll tolerate my moody behavior, hahah.
     
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