[INTJ] needs help with INFJ girl | INFJ Forum

[INTJ] needs help with INFJ girl

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by intj88, Jun 23, 2013.

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  1. intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Basically I am coming here for help with my relationship with her. I think it is obvious she likes me. I dont want to do anything to get her to stop liking me.
    We are both in our early 20's, me 25, her I think 22/3. We are both close to the 50% mark on all our mbti letters, as in we may be introverted but we are introverted like 60-65%. We met almost 2 months ago, maybe less. Neither of us has had a serious relationship. My parents are divorced, hers arent.

    We talked to each other for 6 hours a day for 2 weeks straight (2200 messages in that time), until she was rude to me. I love talking to this girl, on top of that I think she is really sexy and I think about her a lot. I love that she has feelings, I love that she will contact me and I am not the one who has to do the chasing(although I think maybe this may have something to do with the rudeness). Our conversations are fun, but there are lots of misunderstandings. I dont think she finds herself attractive, I think she sees herself as someone who is fat, I would totally have sex with her, and just thinking about her turns me on. Talking to her turns me on too, like no other woman.

    Basically I couldnt remember until reading our conversations over again. The fight started like this, I needed time to finish my homework. We talked all of saturday until midnight, as in until sunday morning. I told her I needed to finish my work and she voluntarily told me she will stop bothering me, she waited 37 hours before contacting me again, on Monday, I was on my way to school, taking an intensive summer programming class. We talked that night and things were ok, but starting to get bad.

    Tuesday, The next night we had the fight. Basically I tell her I didnt like her piercing thats on her eye. She says that her guitar lovers sister had a license to do it and so she had it done. Then proceeds to tell me how she loved his guitar playing but not his personality. So I tell her how this semester I met a girl who had a husband and was flirting with me.
    She asks me "was she pretty",
    I say "no, but other guys in my class thought she was. I dont find make up attractive"
    she says "oh youre one of those? are you" among other things
    I say "I think you look better without makeup"
    her "I cant go out without makeup" althought she doesnt usually wear much, or at least from her pictures it looks that way.
    I honestly do think she looks way better without makeup btw.

    Then we end up getting into a fight when she says the following things:
    she says "well you don't seem to be that durable and I need a durable man someone who has dealt with a hard life and has a lot of self discipline" among other things
    so I tell her I dont like how she is talking and being rude to me.
    then she says some other stupid things, and I stop responding, at the end she says "say it to me say it say you is a very black n***ga"
    keep in mind we are both whites from the suburbs.

    I thought it was really inappropriate and was confused at why she would talk this way to me.

    6 hours after she says that last remark, she ends up apologizing and I tell her I need a few days to calm down after what she said. She made me feel sick with her behavior.

    Saturday I send her a long message telling her that I like her, I think she is special, but that I never want to experience that again. We have conversation for a few hours, some of it about kids... then I made food and told her Im going to eat it, so I just need some time to eat food, like 30 minutes. She sends me messages again, and then it gets weird all over. This time I think there is someone over there with her, and apparently he is a "ginger" and after some back and forth she tells me I take everything too seriously and that I insult her.
    =============================================================================

    Basically I like her. I enjoy her.
    What I dont like is the emotional up and downs, she is so moody. The first few weeks was awesome, she was never moody. Then she totally loses it and goes crazy.
    The last time that we had spoken, the last fight, was June 9. Then she sent me a message on the 16th, my birthday, "Stop smoking pot and talk to me" I dont smoke pot, but on the 21st I sent her a message and we talked for a few hours, it was good but not as good as before.
    I am willing to change for this girl, but I want her to be able to control herself as well.
    Is she just immature? Am I wasting my time and energy? Am I rude? Is she rude? What is going on? I like her.... I dont know what to do about it.

    I am an INTJ and I dont like talking with people, but she totally sucked me out of my shell, and I liked talking to her. I feel like if I send her a message, she will think that I am desperate and that she can behave however she wants with me. I see lots of good things in her, but she has some big flaws too.

    Please help
     
    #1 intj88, Jun 23, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2013
  2. Skarekrow

    Skarekrow ~~DEVIL~~

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    [MENTION=8763]intj88[/MENTION]
    Wow....that's a lot of information...seriously.
    It sounds like she has some serious emotional problems that go beyond the normal INFJ type personality traits.
    She sounds bi-polar, probably needs some lithium. Honestly, she sounds like she is the one on drugs...accusing you of doing drugs?! More likely she is immature and doesn't know what she really wants...but still probably bi-polar.
    Neither one of you by your own admission has had much experience with serious relationships...and you cannot really have a real "serious" relationship without actually physically being together...it's easy for simple misunderstandings to turn into something that it shouldn't be.
    But if you like talking to her and you feel that her positive side shines through her negativity and emotional disturbances then I would say wait for her to call you.
    Secondly, you shouldn't have to change for a girl. And if you cannot accept her for who she is either then you should move on.
    Thirdly, it sounds like you are reading far too into it....? Go with your gut and don't over-analyze.
     
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  3. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thank you Skarekrow, for reading all of that =) I guess my intjness causes me to scan through 2000 messages to really figure out whats wrong here.

    I like her because she doesnt have any of that fakeness other people have. She totally just comes out and says she likes me, and I love that, no girl I have met to date has ever had the courage to do that, even the ones that liked me. On top of that, our conversations are fun, when its going well, it is AMAZING.

    I guess what I want, is something impossible now that I think of it, is that we dont end up breaking up in the future.... DUH, i am retarded.....
    What I mean to say is, I know the typical INFJ and INTJ problem is that intj doesnt like emotions and cannot emotionally satisfy infj. and the infj is needy and invades the intjs space.
    I had her invade my space, and I liked it, I would be willing to tell her how much I like her, every day. I will put in that effort. What I want to know is, what did I do to cause this behavior and what can I do to avoid it.

    I feel maybe 30% sure that you are right about her being bi-polar. But not 100%. I feel like maybe I may have caused some feelings inside her to get angry and like you said, cause a simple misunderstanding to turn into something it shouldnt be. I think you are right, we should meet in person. If we still keep talking, which I hope we do, and she behaves correctly, I will definitely meet her in under a week.

    I cant not over analyze. Especially because I think I have finally met a girl who is also probably over analyzing, and I dont want to let her get away, I dont think I will find another like her for many years.
     
  4. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thank you Skarekrow, for reading all of that =) I guess my intjness causes me to scan through 2000 messages to really figure out whats wrong here.

    I like her because she doesnt have any of that fakeness other people have. She totally just comes out and says she likes me, and I love that, no girl I have met to date has ever had the courage to do that, even the ones that liked me. On top of that, our conversations are fun, when its going well, it is AMAZING.

    I guess what I want, is something impossible now that I think of it, is that we dont end up breaking up in the future.... DUH, i am retarded.....
    What I mean to say is, I know the typical INFJ and INTJ problem is that intj doesnt like emotions and cannot emotionally satisfy infj. and the infj is needy and invades the intjs space.
    I had her invade my space, and I liked it, I would be willing to tell her how much I like her, every day. I will put in that effort. What I want to know is, what did I do to cause this behavior and what can I do to avoid it.

    I feel maybe 30% sure that you are right about her being bi-polar. But not 100%. I feel like maybe I may have caused some feelings inside her to get angry and like you said, cause a simple misunderstanding to turn into something it shouldnt be. I think you are right, we should meet in person. If we still keep talking, which I hope we do, and she behaves correctly, I will definitely meet her in under a week.
    ac
    I cant not over analyze. Especially because I think I have finally met a girl who is also probably over analyzing, and I dont want to let her get away, I dont think I will find another like her for many years.
     
  5. niffer

    niffer Well-known member

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    Why don't you guys just screw each other and get it over with. I can't forsee this relationship becoming any less shitty.
     
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  6. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thank you Skarekrow, for reading all of that =) I guess my intjness causes me to scan through 2000 messages to really figure out whats wrong here.

    I like her because she doesnt have any of that fakeness other people have. She totally just comes out and says she likes me, and I love that, no girl I have met to date has ever had the courage to do that, even the ones that liked me. On top of that, our conversations are fun, when its going well, it is AMAZING.

    I guess what I want, is something impossible now that I think of it, is that we dont end up breaking up in the future.... DUH, i am retarded.....
    What I mean to say is, I know the typical INFJ and INTJ problem is that intj doesnt like emotions and cannot emotionally satisfy infj. and the infj is needy and invades the intjs space.
    I had her invade my space, and I liked it, I would be willing to tell her how much I like her, every day. I will put in that effort. What I want to know is, what did I do to cause this behavior and what can I do to avoid it.

    I feel maybe 30% sure that you are right about her being bi-polar. But not 100%. I feel like maybe I may have caused some feelings inside her to get angry and like you said, cause a simple misunderstanding to turn into something it shouldnt be. I think you are right, we should meet in person. If we still keep talking, which I hope we do, and she behaves correctly, I will definitely meet her in under a week.
    ac
    I cant not over analyze. Especially because I think I have finally met a girl who is also probably over analyzing, and I dont want to let her get away, I dont think I will find another like her for many years.




    What do you mean shitty?
     
  7. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thank you Skarekrow, for reading all of that I guess my intjness causes me to scan through 2000 messages to really figure out whats wrong here.

    I like her because she doesnt have any of that fakeness other people have. She totally just comes out and says she likes me, and I love that, no girl I have met to date has ever had the courage to do that, even the ones that liked me. On top of that, our conversations are fun, when its going well, it is AMAZING.

    I guess what I want, is something impossible now that I think of it, is that we dont end up breaking up in the future.... DUH, i am retarded.....
    What I mean to say is, I know the typical INFJ and INTJ problem is that intj doesnt like emotions and cannot emotionally satisfy infj. and the infj is needy and invades the intjs space.
    I had her invade my space, and I liked it, I would be willing to tell her how much I like her, every day. I will put in that effort. What I want to know is, what did I do to cause this behavior and what can I do to avoid it.

    I feel maybe 30% sure that you are right about her being bi-polar. But not 100%. I feel like maybe I may have caused some feelings inside her to get angry and like you said, cause a simple misunderstanding to turn into something it shouldnt be. I think you are right, we should meet in person. If we still keep talking, which I hope we do, and she behaves correctly, I will definitely meet her in under a week.
    ac
    I cant not over analyze things, its just how i work. Especially because I think I have finally met a girl who is also probably over analyzing, and I dont want to let her get away, I dont think I will find another like her for many years. I cant remember the last time I met someone.

    BTW what makes this relationship so shitty?


    NOTE:
    I tried posting this reply and there seems to be problems.... when it is short, it replies, otherwise it doesnt. Im having trouble with the forums. so if this reply doesnt work Im not going to keep trying. It accidently made a new thread
     
  8. Neuro

    Neuro Rid of Me

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    she seems to have a quirky sense of humour, I wouldn't take the nigger- or pot remarks seriously :B
     
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  9. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Yeah, she told me she was joking and even apologized. Then, the last time we talked, she said that Im just different culturally and that she thought it would be funny, but apparently not everyone does.

    What I want to do is make sure she doesnt lose it, she talks about having kids and wanting a family. She seems like she wants a stable life and a husband, which is what I want too. But Im not sure if she really wants it deep down inside.

    Maybe someone could offer some ideas on how to deal with her if she ever behaves crazy again.
    Should I just brush it off and act like she is a child(she calls herself a big kid)? Am I too uptight and she isnt acting crazy, just having a good time?

    Like I said, I like her a lot. I love how emotional she is, but not the moodiness. She has said things like, "I want your mom to be my mom", which Im sure most people would find weird and would run away from, but I find it as something really intimate. I like that she says things like that, in fact it turns me on a lot to hear her say these things. Before she said the cultural thing she said to me, "I wont be pissy, how about you be x's and ill be o's and we can kiss and make up" OMG I like that, a whole damn lot.

    Thanks for reading through my infinitely long posts, I really want it to work out with her, and I am willing to be the man who satisfies her emotionally, I think she is really special in a lot of ways.
     
  10. Always thinking

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    I say be honest with her about your feelings for her but keep in mind that you have to, to some degree, guard your heart in case she gets "crazy". (Your words)
    If she gets that way, be firm about your expectations of relationship as it relates to having fun but always being respectful. She may have some insecurities and sometimes the whole "make up" type of conversations can be taken wrong. INFJs don't take well to critical comments. However, the gentle truth is necessary at times but seasoned with caring. We all can have insecurities at times, but acting crazy out of them is unacceptable. You just may help her mature and trust you if you speak the gentle truth, season it with care, don't allow any B.S. and use wisdom about the conversations regarding any other females if its not relevant information. You don't want to create ways that those insecurities in her can manifest.
    Then, be patient and see if she wants to mature and if this is the right relationship for both of you.
     
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  11. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thank you so much, I really liked your advice and I think it is very constructive and helpful.

    I tried to be careful when telling her I didnt like her behaviour. I told her I liked spending time with her, but its 2% of the time that when she loses it that I cant stand it.

    I am totally willing to put in the energy to grow WITH her. I just hope that she is willing to put in energy as well.

    I guess I just have to make sure to be smarted about how I tell her about the bad things she does to me. Thank you always thinking.
     
  12. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Ok, so she contacted me about an hour ago. We were talking, and I took your advice, I told her I think she is special, she asks me what I like about her .......

    I tell her......

    what she says "I met this amazing guy, he's an architect. He is also very talented all around. Reminds me a lot of myself musically and poetically and I'm going to meet him for the first time in person and see what happens, how it goes from there"

    WoW
    I said she made me feel like a total idiot, and then I just blocked her on facebook. Screw her, shes a bipolar psychopath.
     
  13. Always thinking

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    Now you know her maturity level. I'm sure you are a great person, so don't take her immaturity as personal. There is not anything wrong with you telling her how you feel. Don't feel like an idiot for doing so, let it be her issue, not your's.
    Seriously, always guard your heart, to some degree until you know a person's character.
     
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  14. OP
    intj88

    intj88 Newbie

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    Thanks always thinking.
    If you hadnt gave me advice I think this would have drawn itself out and took much longer to deal with.

    I got to the same conclusion. Thank god she showed her true colors(and also thank god you gave me advice), I guess she isnt a totally horrible and evil person after all. At least she came out and showed me how screwed up she is, instead of hiding it.

    Its sad, because, the way she talked about her family was horrible. She totally hated her dad and mom, and that was the first warning sign, should have ran away at the first mention of "I hate my dad".

    BTW if anyone is curious to see our conversation, I can send the whole 2400 messages by microsoft word to you. Minus our last names.
     
    #14 intj88, Jun 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2013
  15. ThisIsWhoIAm

    ThisIsWhoIAm is best pony

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    I strongly recommend this. Unfortunately it seems the only right way to go. But what do i know.

    Edit: Please note; not all INFJs are like that :D
     
  16. Skarekrow

    Skarekrow ~~DEVIL~~

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    [MENTION=8763]intj88[/MENTION]
    Sorry she turned out to be too immature. Find yourself someone stable.
     
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  17. niffer

    niffer Well-known member

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    [MENTION=8763]intj88[/MENTION] You have the shittiest reasons ever for deciding not to like her. You sound way fucking weirder than her (2400 messages what the fuck why the exact number? You're willing to send that to people??). Wake the fuck up.
     
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  18. CindyLou

    CindyLou Get over it

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    What are you talking about? It's not weird at all to be willing to send random internet strangers 2400 messages of private personal correspondence.
     
  19. SealHammer

    SealHammer Flying Quesadilla

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    No, no, give him a chance. I think we all want to read those messages; we don't know the whole story until we've seen how OP awkwardly talks to girls and how girls respond to him by being axe crazy.

    Post that shit, [MENTION=8763]intj88[/MENTION]. Post that shit right now.
     
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  20. dukeofearl

    dukeofearl Newbie

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    None of that is worth your time.
     
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