So, what are the pros and cons?
I think I may be in one of these and it's scary
I think I may be in one of these and it's scary
INTJ-INFP dating
- Thread starter Gaze
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*chuckles* My, that does sound scary! A pairing I never before imagined. I wish you well, but I think he will crush you. The sensitivity levels are so far apart. Then again, I've been wrong before.
I think it will largely depend on how well you both are able to communicate your needs with each other. INTJs for the most part from what I have seen are quite willing to make things work as long as they know what the other person wants. If you can "speak and understand each others languages" if you will, then I don't see why it couldn't work out. One of the biggest things is probably not to leave things left unsaid that really need to be said.
But then again, I suppose that advice could be geared towards any relationship, not necessarily just that between an INTJ and INFP.
But then again, I suppose that advice could be geared towards any relationship, not necessarily just that between an INTJ and INFP.
Yeah, I was thinking these are two of the most introverted types. Silent & homebound... maybe not so good to draw each other out.
yes, this seems to be happening. I think it would be easier with someone is more extroverted than I am or whose Fe is better developed than mine. He is very direct and honest almost to a fault, but he has trouble understanding other perspectives besides his. He has a set way of looking at things - his empathy is on the low side. He uses logic to justify insensitive comments or behavior. In other words, he uses Te when Fe would be more appropriate. I've tried to be understanding and sympathetic to his feelings or views, but yet he finds it difficult to do the same for me. I try not to contradict him directly because he thinks he is right about everything. He likes to think he is superior. It's funny because although people would assume that I'd be the one, being sensitive, to make a big deal out of things, he will often turn the simplest thing I say into something more than it is. He will question and be critical of the littlest things. He attacks almost everything through logic. He accuses me of getting upset too easily but yet I'm not the one who made it an issue in the first place. He says things to be contrary and critical and then get's upset with me for calling him on it. And when I call him on it, he responds as if I am the one who is making an issue out of nothing. It's tiring.
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Now tell us the ways in which he is awesome.
lol. But there are things I do connect with. I do like the fact that he is transparent, and doesn't hide his feelings although he needs more tact and I would appreciate if he could be nicer. I am tired of being on the defensive. I too often feel as if the only way to handle conflict to is to concede to his pov. He can't seem to compromise. In any case, there are certain things I don't have to explain to him - things he gets easily. I don't have to spell things out in paragraphs for him to understand what I am thinking or feeling. So, I guess that's where sharing intuition helps.
Thing is, I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to fight with anyone just to be understood, but I also don't want to have disagreements only resolved if I concede to what the other person thinks or wants. I've had enough of that with family. I've seen a lack of compromise with emotional issues with family growing up.
Yes, I like challenges but why does everything have to be a competition?
no question he thinks he knows better. It's not really that my mind is or isn't made up. I am not someone who is an "you're either in or you're out" because I don't like particular things about you. We are all human and have our faults or flaws. You can be interested in someone and still not like things about them. Thing is because i was almost the opposite of him in some respects, I'd usually let things go and concede because I didn't want to fight so our dynamic worked in a sense. And lack of compromise may be a deal breaker but probably because I'm a 6w5 (loyalists), I keep holding out that things will get better. Maybe they won't but I keep thinking maybe.
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So, what are the pros and cons?
I think I may be in one of these and it's scary
INFP and INTJ relationship are scary. Very scary. At best, it's somewhat of an ideal relationship in the sense because the two should be able to understand how the introverted judging system (Fi) works for both of them and should be able to respect that and also realize that the other one needs space. Fe tends to open up the INTJ and Te tends to bunker down the somewhat flighty INFP. At worst, the INTJ can be overbearing and coming off as "I know better" due to bad communication skills and bad development. An INFP can annoy an INTJ by being way to random and seemingly incapable (to the INTJ) of holding a conversation about one topic.
Pros wise I would say that both developed INTJs and INFPs tend to learn from each other. Both are honest types in expression and one succeeds in the other ones flaws. INTJs tend to see the INFPs emotional expression as more intense and sweet and similar to his or her own.
Cons: Undeveloped INTJs and INFPs can be nasty to each other. Once the INFP decides to not give in anymore, arguments can be rampant. Misunderstanding can be easy to create. Bad feelings grow and INFPs and INTJs tend to inwardly harbor feelings so it can just brood and be miserable.
YEah. That's my two cents.
you pretty much described what is going on with us. But can we overcome our differences is the question of the day? And if we can how? How can I get him to see my pov?
All relationships need two things: honesty and communication. You should ask him about how he feels when he's talking to you while he is putting you down. He may be unaware of his tone. He may also be aware of the fact that he's hurting and he is irrationally attacking you. He also may be one of the types that expects confrontation and gets on the defensive automatically. Tell him to analyze how he's really feeling because, I've been there, and it's hurt. You're correct, he's saying contrary and critical things just to be difficult because he wants you to hurt too, I would assume. There are also times when, even though I'm a good speaker, that I'm done and my tone just disappears and I can say something that may sound really insulting or uncaring and I may not mean it in that way.
You should sit him down and tell him that you would like for him to be more empathic towards you when you're talking and things like that, and that you feelings get hurt because, while it seems like he's listening, he's not exactly responding in the way that you want. INTJs are goal oriented creatures. Give him a goal and he'll reach it. It's how we work. If the person is question does not improve and really doesn't make any progress then you may not be the priority in his life and you should probably get out while you can. Still, I feel that the effort he puts into arguing with you instead of just shutting down proves that he cares somewhat.
It is yin and yang.. And Otherworldly intense.
Great passion and magnetism.. But both types can be profoundly stubborn so there can be a lot of frustration.
...in my limited experience in dating an intj man on and off for two years. We couldn't go three months without me breaking up with him because of our differences, and yet it was those differences that intoxicated me and kept drawing me back. An interesting mix, this combination...But there is great potential for growth and learning here.I felt like I was always learning with him and he was very into learning to see the world through my POV. It was like each had what the other lacked or each ones strengths were the others weakness and weaknesses are to be overcome.
Great passion and magnetism.. But both types can be profoundly stubborn so there can be a lot of frustration.
...in my limited experience in dating an intj man on and off for two years. We couldn't go three months without me breaking up with him because of our differences, and yet it was those differences that intoxicated me and kept drawing me back. An interesting mix, this combination...But there is great potential for growth and learning here.I felt like I was always learning with him and he was very into learning to see the world through my POV. It was like each had what the other lacked or each ones strengths were the others weakness and weaknesses are to be overcome.
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yep, this is how we are. I keep "breaking up" every few months because we see things so differently, but unlike your SO, he thinks his way of approaching things is easier or simpler. Of course, it's easier and simpler for him
without any thought of the consequences to me. He sees my way of thinking as a weakness and I tend to see his way of thinking as short sighted. He's not a long term thinker. Hmm, i wonder if I'm mistying him as INTJ. But he's definitely a T. I don't know. In any case, I spoke with him and said we should just be friends. Thought that would make things less complicated and he'd be happy with that. He said he was happy with that. But then I made the mistake of saying that I made a mistake getting involved and that it was my issue, not his. Then he decides to question me about why I felt this way, and what I thought my mistake was.
*laughs at self for the soap opera aspects of this* And he begins to grill me about it. Thing is, this is someone who say they have other persons they could be with. So, I didn't think he'd feel any way if we remained friends. I didn't think our involvement was that important to him and I got tired of having expectations of him which weren't going to be met. In any case, for him, my feelings are my issues, so he is not responsible for them. But yet he wanted to argue with me about why I wanted to change anything. And he wanted to continue the conversation later. He is a trip.
I am laughing at myself for this.
We get along but we simply have two very different ways of looking at things. He is an interesting and funny person. Quite the talker and very philosophical. It's funny because we were talking earlier this week, and I mentioned that he seems he would be better suited or fit with a different person or personality, but he brushed it off. And he is easy going but he can't seem to accommodate anyone else's feelings except his. So, I think being friends works better for us. That way, we are each responsible for our concerns and not burdened by each other's expectations.
Thank everyone for the responses. It was nice to have some feedback.
We get along but we simply have two very different ways of looking at things. He is an interesting and funny person. Quite the talker and very philosophical.
It's funny because we were talking earlier this week, and I mentioned that he seems he would be better suited or fit with a different person or personality, but he brushed it off. And he is easy going but he can't seem to accommodate anyone else's feelings except his. So, I think being friends works better for us. That way, we are each responsible for our concerns and not burdened by each other's expectations.Thank everyone for the responses. It was nice to have some feedback.
I am laughing at myself for this.
We get along but we simply have two very different ways of looking at things. He is an interesting and funny person. Quite the talker and very philosophical.
Thank everyone for the responses. It was nice to have some feedback.
I'm glad you had an overall positive experience with this thread. (Un)fortunately, INFP-INTJ relationship are very intense and if the two aren't able to compromise and they don't share similar values and things like that, it can head down hill quick. With that being said, I'm glad you can remain friends and all that good stuff.
yep, this is how we are. I keep "breaking up" every few months because we see things so differently, but unlike your SO, he thinks his way of approaching things is easier or simpler. Of course, it's easier and simpler for him
In any case, I spoke with him and said we should just be friends. Thought that would make things less complicated and he'd be happy with that. He said he was happy with that. But then I made the mistake of saying that I made a mistake getting involved and that it was my issue, not his. Then he decides to question me about why I felt this way, and what I thought my mistake was.
Well, my ex boyfriend also thought his way was the easiest and simplest and he did usually expect me to just go along with whatever he decided or wanted, whether it was weekend plans, future plans, or philosophical beliefs..
The biggest issue we had was he thought I was too emotional and illogical and flaky, and I thought he was a bit cold and one-track minded. I think it also really annoyed him that I could mull over a lot of ideas at once, and find merit in all of them no matter how contradictory they were--and thus, put off making my mind up or forming an opinion about most things while I amassed even more information. But that is Ne for you... And of course being pressured to make a decision only made me dig my heels in the dirt even more and play devil's advocate even more with him..
He used to say, "You are the most non committal person, to others-- to ideas.. you always give yourself an out."
LOL. We used to break up like clock work every 3 months and then he'd call and we'd meet up and I would say, "I just want to be your friend.." And he'd agree, but say, "You influenced me to access parts of myself I didn't know existed.."
and then we'd talk for hours and hours in a cafe until it was the middle of the night and we were making out in parking lot, inseparable for another 3 months until I couldn't take it any more. He was THE hardest person to break up with ever. I remember trying to do it on the phone once and he just ignored it and kept acting like we were together. It was very George Costanza-ish of him and it bought us another couple weeks.
Oh yeah. My feelings were definitely my issue. If he said something insensitive or rude to me and I got hurt, he would be legitimately surprised and not understand how his actions had anything to do with it. I suppose we do have the choice to decide how we are going to react to situations, but that doesn't mean you can just say and do anything to someone without consequence.
I kind of think that once an INTJ develops feelings for someone, they have a much harder time letting go, because it seems they are very selective about who they let in, so they feel a very strong bond. I don't think they can just close the gates and stop the feelings.. Maybe I'm wrong, if so, correct me INTJs, I'm basing this off my relationship with just one INTJ.
So for what it's worth, I suspect that your relationship is important to him, even if he doesn't show it or demonstrate it. In my situation, we broke up over three years ago and I get one email from him a year...just the kind of email where it seems like he's left a part of himself with me. Usually they are very vague and cryptic emails and I have to practically decode them..but in the end there is a suggestion of reestablishing some connection..and not necessarily romantic. The winter before last, he wanted to collaborate on a project, and last past winter he closed with, 'make it out west sometime.' I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about that. Though I'm no longer in love with him. I suppose I will always have a soft spot for him.
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