INFJs Help Me Read this INFJ! | INFJ Forum

INFJs Help Me Read this INFJ!

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Koshkot, Nov 18, 2021.

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  2. No

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  3. Maybe?

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  4. Chill out and let things develop

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  1. Koshkot

    Koshkot Newbie

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    Situation: I have a major crush on an INFJ at work, but I'm not sure if he likes me as just a friend or possibly something more. He sends a lot of mixed signals. I've been crushing on him so long that I've come to terms with my own feelings that if he just wants to be friends I'm okay with that. Also I'm sorry for the wall of text that you are about to be subjected to. My apologies.

    How did it start? He accidentally started it. I started working with him about six months ago and I definitely liked him but wasn't thinking of anything romantic in the beginning until one day I asked about his well being and he looked deeply into my eyes not breaking contact and nervously said in a cracked, higher pitched voice than normal, "I try to have a social life!" The stare was so intense that I broke it and neutralized the awkwardness by saying something to the effect that with our amount of workload there really wasn't any time for that. He nervously laughed, agreed and that was it for a long time.

    I spent most of my energy afterwards on work as I was still very new to the job and needed to get my footing. Now that I'm several months in and I'm finally starting to get some flow I can now pay more attention to him.

    Second incident: We had an insane day. Our job requires us to work outside and it was cold, pouring rain and the street lights started turning on. I was not properly equipped. I couldn't see what I was doing and I didn't have a rain hat, a coat and I was still only issued my summer shorts. I was freezing in what seemed to be a hopeless situation. A coworker then called me to say she wasn't going to come rescue me because there were no headlamps in the supply closet. She advised me to bring the work back and file a hazard complaint. (Normally not finishing the job is a firable offense.) Defeated... I brought it back and got into a bunch of office politics but I was safe from being fired.

    Then... I saw him taking it back out to the street. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was going to finish the job. Since he's in management he's not protected by the hazard report and was ordered to finish the job. I told him he couldn't do that because it wasn't safe, but he said he'd lose his job/career if he didn't. He did some fast thinking and found two headlamps. I then told him he could send me out now because there was no longer a safety issue and this is when he won me over. He said, "I won't make you." He was ordered by his highest level boss to order me to take it out but he was just going to do it himself. At that moment we connected and although I didn't say it, I thought, "I won't let you do it alone." There was then what seems a mutual almost psychic understanding and we split the work and we worked seamlessly together not missing a beat. Just gotta say... wow. That was an experience.

    Later that week I gave him a card that thanked him for his teamwork and going above and beyond during what seemed like a hopeless situation. It was very work appropriate. He seemed touched by the gesture and told me I didn't have to. Hah!

    Third incident: I stayed late one day while he was closing after everyone left and asked if he could give me something to do to occupy myself as I was not emotionally in a good place that particular night. I was very direct with him on this and he gave me some mindless chores to do. Again... he goes above and beyond and took care of me which is not something I am used to. It sounds simple but it meant a lot to me and I told him that. He said that he knew what it felt like to be in that kind of a situation and he was just trying his best to help. Ah... yes an INFJ at work indeed.



    Since then I often hang out with him when he's closing and we talk after everyone else leaves. Just normal stuff. He mostly talks about himself. He showed me a picture of his cat, told me about his future plans and his past. He doesn't seem too interested in my life unfortunately. I know a lot about him but he doesn't know much about me.

    In a group he doesn't give me much attention at all, but he'll engage with just about everyone else. Usually I have to initiate it by either asking him questions or hanging out with him after I clock out. I'm persistent with him but I've also made it very clear that if I'm bothering him or if he needs his space that he just needs to tell me. He's never told me to go away and has said I'm not bothering him (yet).

    In the beginning he would sometimes act nervous around me and not others. Avoiding eye contact when we're talking, fidgeting, playing with his hair, and kind of tongue tied. Since then he's become more comfortable around me. Now we can talk with full eye contact and he seems more open most of the time. He doesn't initiate conversations with me unless it's work related and his texting game is extremely inconsistent. If I just hung out with him he'll reply for a little while and then... vanish.

    Since he works crazy hours and is always tired I made him dinner once and brought it to work for him to take home. The following week when I got some time alone with him I asked him if he liked it. His answer was a very sheepish, "Maybe." I then told him, "That's a yes or no question." He replied with a quietly forced "yes." He tends to avoid acknowledging the sincerely nice things I do for him. He won't even say thank you or his usual "Oh you didn't have to do that!" I'm afraid it makes him feel uncomfortable.

    Other things that confuses me is that he seems to treat me differently than others. We're both playfully mean to each other. (I started that though.) That's actually one of the few times he sought me out... to be mean to me, lol. Depending on how tired he is at closing sometimes he'll linger around when he's locked everything up and it's time to go home. One night he he randomly showed me how easy it was to take the bumper cover off his car. Then I told him it was bedtime and sent us both home. If he's tired he has no problem cutting things short and zooming off home.

    Another night my car wouldn't start and I joked that I was trapped forever at work like it was some kind of horror movie. He checked my car out and said the issue was the battery. He went on a wild goose chase to find jumper cables (apparently we have some somewhere) but he failed in finding them. So he gave me a ride home. He acted weird and kind of nervous in the car. He unnecessarily complained about his work car because he doesn't take care of it and talked about his douchey car that he never drives. The one other time we were alone in a car he acted the same way. He was driving a POS company car that stinks like feet, soy sauce and spoiled coffee. Wow does he know how to show a girl a good time! He was super chatty and would not shut the **** up! You would swear based on that he was a damn extrovert or on drugs. He bragged a lot but also shared stories about the places we were passing along the way.

    Okay I'm done. Thanks for listening and I await your insight.
     
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  2. David54

    David54 David
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    Yep..he likes you.
     
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  3. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter

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    Is he one of your superiors at work?
     
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  4. OP
    Koshkot

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    If he's closing then yes. If not then no. His supervisor role is a temporary position so I only directly report to him on the days he closes. When he's not closing then our roles are much more equal. We pretty much do the same thing.
     
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  5. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition #nofilter

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    Alright.

    There is enough in your post that would make me feel hopeful if I was in your position but not enough for me to be certain about how he feels.

    If I had to answer your poll I would say chill out and let things develop on their own. It seems like you're enjoying the situation anyway so there's no real rush to carve anything in stone, at least from my perspective.

    I've had male coworkers behave in similar ways that you're describing but they were not romantically interested in me. Not saying it's the same for this guy you're describing, but I'd just relax and let it be whatever it ends up being. If he is really interested in you there will come a point where it will be obvious enough that you won't have to question it.
     
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  6. John K

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    INFJs tend to adapt how they respond to folks according to how you approach them. We often try and give you what you seem to be expecting of us, up to a point. That can make it hard to fathom what we are really thinking and feeling. I'd say this guy likes you - INFJs and INTPs can bounce intuition and thinking around playfully for hours when they like each other and you seem to be doing that.

    Romance though? INFJ men's intuition can sometimes switch off on this and leave us feeling uncertain and hesitant. If you want things to go further, it may be up to you to make your feelings clear to him - that may be the only way to find out if he's interested beyond friendship, but I agree with @SpecialEdition that you should perhaps let things evolve, and do this subtly rather than directly. Think carefully about it though because workplace romances can cause serious problems if they go pear-shaped eventually. I remember more than one example from my pre-retirement days where ex-couples couldn't be assigned to the same team any longer after they split up, and management can get a bit uptight about it.
     
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  7. OP
    Koshkot

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    Well apparently him being a supervisor isn't a problem anymore because the higher ups just decided today to promote him and he's going to a different location. He sucks so much at communication outside of talking in person that this will be the last I see of him. Now not only am I losing a possible romantic interest but a friend too. This sucks.
     
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  8. John K

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    How far away?

    This does alter things. It could be your chance to show him you care for him and want to stay in contact. You have nothing to lose if he’s moving to a different place.
     
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  9. OP
    Koshkot

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    He's just being moved across town.

    Okay INFJs help me with a game plan. They are moving him NOW and I may or may not see him at work anymore. He talks to me very little outside of work hours. Right now I bet his phone is blowing up too because if there is one thing this organization doesn't fail at... it's gossip!
     
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  10. mintoots

    mintoots slow cooker
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    Tell him how you feel but do it subtly. Don't add too much pressure. Just put it out there enough for him to consider. You're in an all or nothing situation anyway. Perhaps asking to hang out outside work even if he's moved across town would send the right message. If it feels right, go for it.
     
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  11. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    As SE and John said, let things evolve naturally. There is not enough information to tell how he feels. A lot of what you described is how I'd act with people anyway – being helpful, friendly, and awkward.

    Since he is leaving, ask to exchange numbers or follow each other on social media. If he already left, you can always track him down on social media and reach out or follow him, depending on the platform.
     
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  12. David54

    David54 David
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    Call him .just call and be yourself, that's what he wants .just be real
     
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  13. OP
    Koshkot

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    I know he'll be around the office for two more days now. One this week and another the next. He'll be training the new person to replace him but should be closing so I can get some one-on-one time with him after everyone leaves. I have talked a little bit to him over text today (everyone at the office is freaking out right now--this couldn't have happened at a worse time). He seems to think this is just a detail and he'll still be around at our office in his non-manager role but his boss is saying that we're permanently losing him. It's total chaos. One of my work buddies is now ready to quit. Covid has made our jobs ridiculous. We probably work around 70-80 hours a week 9 days in a row.

    Eh... he's obviously not going to make a move and now the pressure is on me to make a subtle non-scary move to hook him in just enough to keep him at least talking to me outside of work. *gulp* But I know he's actually excited about this because he tried to transfer two months ago but didn't get the job. I never saw him so excited except for the time he told me he had an interview lined up. He wants to work somewhere where he isn't friends with everyone because it's easier for him to not take things personally when he has to make people do things they don't want to do. A few days ago he called me while I was on a job and this is how the conversation went:

    Me: [slightly annoyed at being interrupted] ...yes?
    Him: I know... I'm bothering you. Hey can you do me a favor?
    Me: Well it's not like I have a choice.
    Him: I know but it makes me feel better if I ask.
     
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  14. David54

    David54 David
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    Call him, and just be you...
     
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  15. OP
    Koshkot

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    Okay I found one of his windows where he is actually replying to his texts. I can't really call him right now because he's working and this is personal stuff where EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE CAN EAVESDROP. I opened the conversation up by asking how he felt about the new opportunity and he's super excited about it. I asked him if we could hang out sometime outside of work and was sincere about it but tried not to come off as desperate. I told him to just be honest with me. I focused on language that is conducive to building a friendship. Romance seems like too much for him right now. Since I know he's able to be friends with his exes I'm not going to worry about the romance aspect of it right now.

    Let's see what/if he replies. Since I caught him in a window of replying I might get an answer. If this fails I still have two opportunities to catch him in person before he leaves.
     
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  16. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome
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    This is not the best attitude to have with a crush.
    What was your tone? Light and joking, or were you complaining?

    Hmmm. If he doesn't reply to the text by the next time you see him in person I'd drop it.
    INFJs are non-confrontational so we may try to avoid turning someone we are friendly with down directly, or at least hesitate.
    If I'm interested in someone I don't keep them waiting for a reply. Maybe some others here will have different perspectives.
     
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  17. OP
    Koshkot

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    Oh it was light hearted. He knows our job sucks. That's why everybody quits. I technically can't leave until everything is done. So I'm held hostage every single day. The only way out is quitting.

    That's what I was afraid of. It could very well be that he only wants to enjoy my company when it's convenient for him. Then I just need to go back to my old standby of... well there goes another guy I like that doesn't like me back. That's frequently the case anyway. Go be sad for a while. Yeah... the more I think about it the more I think that he enjoys the attention but that's as far as he's willing to take it. He's got other priorities and I have to accept that I'm not one of them.

    I'm also sad because my only other friend at work is on the verge of quitting. My two other friends there quit too. It'll be very different with all of them gone. But that's off topic.
     
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  18. OP
    Koshkot

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    Bah. I hate double posting, but I got my answer. He never replied to my sincere attempt to hang out with him outside of work.

    Now I'm going to go sulk.
     
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  19. aeon

    aeon Amoureux des Chatons
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    Holy sex and gender roles!

    You have agency and autonomy. If there is something you want, consider the situation, make a decision, and act in your self-interest.

    I say this because many years ago I spent a year crushing on a lovely girl, and I said nothing. On the last day that we were to see each other, I decided that I had to say something. I sought her out and said to her “There's something that I need to tell you.” “Me too!” she cried, and so I said “Okay, you go first.” At which point we played a couple of rounds of “no, you.” Then both of us began to speak at the same time. We had both crushed on each other for a year, and each of us stayed silent. I think on that day both of us learned what the word crestfallen means. If it had been a scene in a movie, you would've rolled your eyes and said it was cliché and cheesy.

    We were young, green, lacked self-confidence, and all that. That said, while I do not regret many things in life, that is absolutely one of my few regrets. That was 37 years ago, and to this very day, if I think about it, I die a little inside.

    I don't want that to happen to you.

    Men typically do the pursuing, asking, wooing, and whatnot for reasons biological, cultural, and otherwise. I'm not going to tell you there is no risk in you ignoring your sociosexual script and taking action. But at the same time, I don't want you to become a passive witness to your own life. Early birds, worms, and striking hot iron, you know?

    Every day each of us shoulders risk because of the promise of reward that will nourish and sustain us. To not do so would be a life not worth living. Consider the balance of the known consequences versus the unknown potential rewards.

    I'm sure that you will do what you would have done regardless, but I wanted to make you aware that you do not have to remain in your default position and gender role. It’s okay for you to grab the brass ring.

    Having said all that, I think @David54 said it all here, here, and here. Don’t make this any more complicated or difficult than it needs to be. I wish you the best.

    Cheers,
    Ian
     
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  20. OP
    Koshkot

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    Aww... I should take your advice because INFJs like ENFPs. It's been a long time since I've talked to an ENFP. How refreshing. I miss you guys.
     
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