INFJ's Finding Relationships

[Yiwen727]

Hey Everyone,

I've just finally joined the forum and I am hoping that you might be able to offer some guidance into finding a relationship since I'm curious if my problem is ubiquitous to other INFJ's. Basically, I am a guy that has kind of (not 100% actively) been searching for a girlfriend for several years now.
My problems are this:
I'm usually "friendzoned" rather easily as i'm seen the dependable guy since we're are so caring.
I find it rather difficult for myself to put my emotions out and trust someone with them or have someone delve deeper into my private and/or inner life.
As I have seen on other posts, we INFJ's easily drop friendships and pick them up as if nothing has ever happened, so I'm usually written off since i'm not constantly communicating (To be honest, I dislike constant communications)
Girls that I have tried to date don't understand it when I withdraw from the world and then write me off.

Do you guys experience or have you experienced these problems as well? Do you have any suggestions that you could please provide me to help me start a relationship and overcome these obstacles? I would greatly appreciate if you could help me out. Thank you!!

 

[AhSver]

It's probably better for INFJs to be found by a relationship instead of trying to find them..

 

[gd65h8as7]

work as hard as you can on becoming a better you, every single day, and your girl problem will solve itself.

 

[Billy]

More time in the gym, more time at work in OT and you will be fine.

 

[Lexika]

I'm usually "friendzoned" rather easily as i'm seen the dependable guy since we're are so caring.
- Try dating girls who are into caring guys. I don't know the age bracket you're going for, usually girls who are in their late 20s and older are looking for stable long-term relationships and a guy who can provide them with one. Younger girls are more likely to be just experimenting and looking for adventure and emotional rollercoasters with more assholish type guys.

I find it rather difficult for myself to put my emotions out and trust someone with them or have someone delve deeper into my private and/or inner life.
- I think this is natural. I've heard several of my friends say that they find dating to be unpleasant exactly for this reason, that you're supposed to put yourself out there for display too soon, too fast. I don't think there is any way around this.

As I have seen on other posts, we INFJ's easily drop friendships and pick them up as if nothing has ever happened, so I'm usually written off since i'm not constantly communicating (To be honest, I dislike constant communications)
Girls that I have tried to date don't understand it when I withdraw from the world and then write me off.
- Haven't had this problem. Usually "irrational" types are ok with this (this is IxxJs and ExxPs) while "rational" types (IxxPs and ExxJs) need constant streamlined even habitual contact and communication. May be you have been dating too many people of rational types.

 

[Solongo]

I think the issue is not just being an INFJ - it is about learning to play the mating game and this is true regardless of your type. It is just the way it is; this will be a part of you that needs to develop. You INFJness will determine your compatibility and you can use it as a guide or compass on the females you may pursue. But ultimately if you want to succeed in having more options regardless of your typology; you need to do a little bit of studying on female psychology and the mating game. For example; you need to fundamentally understand why you are being friendzoned. It is not because you are too nice and sensitive ( which I know you are), but because females will respond faster and quicker to distinct masculinity than a sensitive guy. It is a revolutionary trait and you can't do much about it. Does not mean you become an asshole; simply means you need to exert your masculinity more than you are displaying. Women hunt for their partners just as much as men; but on a level that is more in line with evolutionary trait of finding a provider and a mate that will create a stronger offspring.

Aside from learning the mating game ( I included some blogs, links for more learning below); you gotta develop the traits you are seeking within yourself. Like attracts like.

Lastly it will help to know what types offer more compatibility to INFJ males in some regard. It is not an absolute science and there are always exceptions; but knowing INFJs and ENFP or INFJs and ENTP compatibility may offer more interesting dynamic than lets say INFJ and ESTP.

Some blogs on dating and mating: all written by a guy!

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/

 

[Rcs6r]

work as hard as you can on becoming a better you, every single day, and your girl problem will solve itself.

Yep, this. Going to have to grow and change. But don't worry, we're pullin' for ya.

 

[thebodyelectric]

I think it's not necessarily about putting your masculinity forward. It's about being self-confident and being without worry that you will be friendzoned again. Just be comfortable with who you are and the right person will get you. Don't fall into the 'women only like jerks' myth, it's not true. They are called jerks for a reason.

And yeah, most of the time it just suddenly happens without you trying to make it happen. At least, that's what people keep telling me

 

[Cerce]

Yeah, I'd have to go against the masculinity statement. Sure, on some primal level, everyone's going to go for someone stronger, more masculine, and better looking - but we aren't solely primal beings. I'd recommend simply being yourself; however, change one thing. Be assertive. State that you like the girl, and invite her out on a date. Make sure to use the word 'DATE'. I can't stress how important that is - 'going to see a movie' and 'going on a date' are two very, very different things in a girl's mind, even though I personally can't see the difference other than wording. If she says "But I don't think of you that way", reply back with sincerity that you think of her that way. Yeah, it'll get a helluva lot awkward if she doesn't bite, but if you are wanting to take the risk, it's worth it. Don't change yourself, don't play games, just state what you feel in truth. Better yet, write it down.

 

[barbad0s]

As I have seen on other posts, we INFJ's easily drop friendships and pick them up as if nothing has ever happened, so I'm usually written off since i'm not constantly communicating (To be honest, I dislike constant communications)
Girls that I have tried to date don't understand it when I withdraw from the world and then write me off.

I think that you will need to put constant effort in once you meet someone you like. There's really no other way around it. How else do you expect to build a relationship? If it's just one person, it can't be that difficult.

The whole point of being in a relationship is for you to be able to build trust with someone and put your inner life out there with them. That doesn't mean it needs to be revealed all at once. Just focus on building a good friendship with them and having a repertoire of good experiences (which won't work if you constantly withdraw from them), and the rest will come out bit by bit.

If I were to date someone that would hide from me for weeks at a time--especially in the preliminary stages of a relationship--I would ask myself WTF the point of staying with him would be.


P.S. INFJs are sexy as hell. Being caring and thoughtful is your strong point, and it's one that not too many other kinds of men are able to compete with.
You don't need to actively search for a girlfriend. You just need to actively be yourself and be awesome. (And try to avoid being an insane hermit unless you can let her into your hermit world.)