INFJ's and unsolicited advice

[IndigoSensor]

I personally have an issue of giving unsolicited advice. I think it ties into my enneagram more then anything, but I think as an INFJ it effects it to. Unsolicited advice is more or less telling someone what they should or should not do without them asking for such input. In situations where you see something as wrong, bad, good, ugly, scary, etc. it's a natural impulse that I am only somewhat aware of to start putting my two cents into something to make it better or more managable. Recently, I have noticed this being an overwhelming trend for INFJ's. While this trait is not exclusive to INFJ's, it seems like our version of it seems to be focused on social situations, or situations in which some sort of harm to a person could arise. A lot of this solicitation seems to come from Fe and Ti, as I have noticed that FP's and TJ's tend to do this much less frequently then FJ's and TP's (although both of those can do it in completely different ways).

So, my question to you is, how often do you give unsolicted advice? How do others respond do it? Do you ever try to supress it in any way? Discuss.

 

[Kavalan]

Infrequently enough that most people take it and mull it over for it's worth. I just do it as most of the times I am better suited to ask the actual key questions that should/need to be answered so they in essence fill their own advice.

PS: [MENTION=387]IndigoSensor[/MENTION] needs a beer right NAOW!

 

[IndigoSensor]

...but I don't LIKE beer! I'd rather have a long-island or baileys on the rocks, or something.

 

[Kavalan]

...but I don't LIKE beer! I'd rather have a long-island or baileys on the rocks, or something.

no buts...
BEER

 

[bickelz]

Most of this advice i think mostly is directed towards my younger sisters. Although, when i see someone struggling with something, I will usually tell them they're just being stupid and then I'll either do it for them or give my two cents. As i sit here writing this post, I am starting to feel like I do this more and more. If something could go wrong and people could get hurt, I will speak up. I have a few friends that are like this but on more of a moral basis in that they won't hang out with someone if they even smoke as much as a cigarette, which is insanely ridiculous. This is probably where unsolicited advice shows up most for me because when people think others are not worth their time or energy because they smoke, take the bus or walk to QFC at night i will put my two cents in. It makes me pissed just thinking about it. "Oh, lets hate people who smoke natural tobacco but go to the store and eat pure high fructose corn syrup that was made in a lab." I guess i am just more accepting than my friends but still seen as somewhat pretentious at times by them. End rant.

My final answer is that i do give a lot of this type of advice but it usually comes off as me telling someone they are being stupid. They obviously don't see why they are ridiculous so i get grumpy.

 

[aela]

I used to give unsolicited advice freely (to friends, not strangers or acquaintances), but I've found that things don't always turn out so great that way for them or me. Now I try to ask strategic questions to help people get where they want to go. They tend to already have inside themselves the advice they're looking for, even if they don't know they're looking for it; sometimes they just need a little help finding it. (That's probably manipulative, but I think of it as compassionate manipulation.)

 

[uuu]

Now I try to ask strategic questions to help people get where they want to go.

This is exactly what I do. I figure that if they really wanted advice, they would ask for it.

 

[acd]

Err. I do it all the time. It's earned me a reputation for being frank. It's helped some.. It's alienated others.. I've still a lot to learn when it comes to being a sensitive communicator.. I'd like to get to the point where I gain the skill to really empower people to solve their own problems.

Nothing irritates me more than someone complaining about a problem that could be solved with a bit of effort. Especially problems that are causing a lot of pain. I'm not content to just let that go.. I almost feel like not saying something is a sin of omission.

I'm not really good at just listening and feeling with the person. I have to come up with a plan for them... wanted or not. I've tried just sitting there and listening when someone goes on and on about this problem and that one... I literally start to feel my blood pressure rising and I start getting nervous..

 

[Kgal]

I agree that most of the time it's better to keep quiet. People will usually figure it out - or - they won't - but the consequences are not that severe.
Yet - when it does seem that I have some insight - I will share my experiences.
On a few occasions I will open my mouth (and sometimes insert foot) and tell them directly what I think.

If it's quite apparent to me that there will be real imminent harm - I will always try to help them see the looming potential for harm in their action - or in-action.

I try to follow this mantra about doing no harm that says: Is it true? Is it timely? Is it useful?

I get a lot of positive feedback when I give advice. I guess my timing is getting better as I age.

Now - I want a Bailey's and coffee. :high5:

 

[Kgal]

I used to give unsolicited advice freely (to friends, not strangers or acquaintances), but I've found that things don't always turn out so great that way for them or me. Now I try to ask strategic questions to help people get where they want to go. They tend to already have inside themselves the advice they're looking for, even if they don't know they're looking for it; sometimes they just need a little help finding it. (That's probably manipulative, but I think of it as compassionate manipulation.)

Yes - this is great!

 

[TinyBubbles]

I give advice when I'm asked, otherwise I keep quiet. I tend to assume people have their reasons for doing things, whether or not they share those reasons with me.

edit: actually this isn't true all the time...

 

[freybell]

I think i used to give advice a lot more often than i do now. Once upon a time i thought i knew everything, but lately i generally need more advice than I'm willing to give. Occasionally i feel like i know a little more about something than the person I'm taking to... So i butt in.

I generally like the strategy of asking leading questions.. And i actually do that all the time - but i've never really considered that the same as giving unsolicited advice. Usually if im talking to someone with any kind of problem or concern i'll automatically start brainstorming solutions and ask the person: ''well why dont you...''

But i've never really considered that the same as advice either. Maybe i'm unconsciously telling people what they should do all the time

 

[Trifoilum]

I agree that most of the time it's better to keep quiet. People will usually figure it out - or - they won't - but the consequences are not that severe.
Yet - when it does seem that I have some insight - I will share my experiences.
On a few occasions I will open my mouth (and sometimes insert foot) and tell them directly what I think.

If it's quite apparent to me that there will be real imminent harm - I will always try to help them see the looming potential for harm in their action - or in-action.

+1. I'm moving between being Indy, being acd, and being K-gal and Elicity at different times and contexts. For better or worse. I might have done it wrongly lots of times.

I'm still wondering if there's another way to reach my intention. Most of the time it's helping people to see, if not where are they going, the value of their directions. Whether right or wrong or neutral. Other times it's pushing people for effort. But quite often I'm stuck at one way and forget about the others, and it's bad. because most of them have its good and bad, and have its place within social interactions.

 

[jn56uytrx]

I think I must do this, though I don't think I've ever received feedback about advice I've given being received poorly. One thing that may contribute to this is that I rarely feel I see anything definitively.

I don't think I give advice as much as I give suggestions of perspectives to consider. That's not a ploy on my part either. If I have the sense that I might see something someone doesn't I want to offer perspective, but I'm also pretty sure others see things I don't. I'm not walking in their shoes so I can't know what choices would be best for them to make. Period. They are the only ones who can make their best decisions. All I can do is offer perspectives and insight to consider in their decision-making.

 

[Arsal]

I used to do this. Actually, I still do this, but with a lot less ferocity.

Spoiler

Scratch that, I do it all the time.

 

[invisible]

want some advice, ?

 

[jyrffw54]

I do/have done it so often, I'm hardly thinking about the fact that I am doing so. I've been trying to curb it because sometimes people want advice, sometimes they just want an ear or a shoulder.

 

[Detective Conan]

I've developed a habit of giving unsolicited advice at my store lately, however I've yet to see anyone get offended over it. Can you count correcting someone as unsolicited advice? I tend to do that too frequently in my math and english classes, although I don't see that as advising someone personally... When it comes to friends, I tend not to give much advice unless they make it obvious they want some. Otherwise, I just try to help them talk out their problems and reach a resolution on their own.

More or less, I think I tend to play the part of Satan's Little Helper to give people other views of a subject rather than give others advice.

(For some reason, I have a feeling this added nothing original to the discussion )

 

[Siamese cat]

I feel an itch to give unsolicited advice all the time, and I do my best not to scratch it.

I don't like receiving it, so it wouldn't be fer to give it, and more so if people are aware of someone's itch for giving unsolicited advice they tend to take advantage of it. Why would they think for themselves when there is somebody else to think for them, right?

 

[TomarctusHU]

Only if I experience some totally illogical behaviour... >_< I hate those. Especially if they except someone to behave like x, but it's clear like hell that 'someone' will never do x... The other cases are when ppl get angry over changes, and it is easily understandable why those changes have been made, but they just can't accept them, and ask illogical things. @_@