INFJ women... It's easy for you to have female friends????

[FanyMV]

I'm so frustrated right know because every time I start to get comfortable with female friends, there's something that I do that literally makes them "hate" me. It's usually when I start enjoying the moments, when I'm just trying to have fun. I don't know if it's because I'm not the kind of girl that sit down waiting for a man that doesn't even care about me...or because I find stupid to talk about men all the time....!!! I like to enjoy the moment or maybe I try, even if it's alone. I don't know, I'm really frustrated right know. If I'm the problem I wanna know. I have to understand every time they call me crying for a man that doesn't even care about them, but when I go out with them, in part b/c I want, and also to enjoy with them, they can't stand my personality. I'm so tired of that [emoji45] am I the only one?


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[Scientia]

How do you know it's that they can't stand your personality?

To answer your question, yes. It is difficult for me to make female friends because I find most girly things like shopping and fashion annoying. I don't have "normal friends". They are either like me or almost like me. All the others are irksome.

 

[drummergirlbk]

I'm an INTJ but I'll answer the thread anyway. I don't really connect with other women well. I've begun to think that it's not them disliking me so much, but more the opposite. I just dislike people too damn much. It seems the older I get, the more superficial other women seem. For example, I've NEVER understood why women go pay someone to pain their nails when you can get a bottle of nail polish much cheaper. Perhaps it's the experience they are looking for, but I personally just don't see the point. Now that I think about it, I don't associate with any females my exact age. They are usually at least two years older or younger than me, but more often older. I just get along with guys better in general, though. Less emotional bullshit, no long shopping sprees, usually nothing like that that makes me wanna slap someone.

 

[JJJA]

I'm an INTJ but I'll answer the thread anyway. I don't really connect with other women well. I've begun to think that it's not them disliking me so much, but more the opposite. I just dislike people too damn much. It seems the older I get, the more superficial other women seem. For example, I've NEVER understood why women go pay someone to pain their nails when you can get a bottle of nail polish much cheaper. Perhaps it's the experience they are looking for, but I personally just don't see the point. Now that I think about it, I don't associate with any females my exact age. They are usually at least two years older or younger than me, but more often older. I just get along with guys better in general, though. Less emotional bullshit, no long shopping sprees, usually nothing like that that makes me wanna slap someone.

Although I am a male, I completely endorse what is said here. It resonates with my life, but observed from a male perspective....in 21st Century Britain.....go figure.

I've spent the last two years trying to connect with a single female my age, I haven't even come close to meeting somebody I can even find anything in-common with, and that is excluding the many superficial activities, opinions, beliefs and practices they enjoy. The rituals they partake in, such as spending an entire week doing nothing but shopping for clothes, going to clubs at 2am and dancing to atrocious and meaningless noise ejected out of massive speakers, DJed by some guy with more piercings than the average male because he thinks it is 'indie'. Surrounded by (and even living with) men that also obsess over trying to look 'different' or 'special' to satisfy a false sense of their own contradictions because, in-secret, they wish to conform to whatever trend or superficial ritual their friends or what MTV proudly displays on the television in the kitchen. These men also claim to abide by the trendy 'liberal' political scene, whilst simultaneously treating their female peers like they were meat on the rack, and of course the female will follow. This is not a gender issue, but an issue with my own fight with the student-bubble and all of the immaturity and insecurities that entails because I happen to be of the same age as these air-heads. Sanctimonious hypocrites will not get along with me, I'm afraid.

Anyway, a bit of a rant there, but I can definitely empathize with these issues.

 

[seashell eyes]

I relate to that. I hardly have any female friends... it's just easier to talk to males, who tend to be straightforward and don't talk about the stereotypical female stuff (not that I don't like it... I just don't think life should revolve around it). And women tend to be gossipers, which makes me uncomfortable. If men gossip, they do it to far less of an extent.

For me, the problem seems to be that I have layers. I tend to be very polite and buttoned-up when I first meet people, but when I start to feel comfortable around them, my offensive blunt humor comes out, and people are surprised that I'm not who they thought I was. I'm still a nice, caring person... I'm just weirder than I let on at first! lol

And there's the introverted side of me that makes me pretty boring if I'm not up for socializing. My job requires me to interact with people all day long, so when I finally get to hang out with friends, I don't have much energy left to be social.

Overall, not the easiest person to get on with. haha. But I'm trying to make more female friends at work. I just texted one, in fact. Come on, ladies, you know you want this!

 

[say what]

Wow...a thread devoted to why women can't be friends with other women?

You know, friendships with women typically are not built upon a cornerstone of girly and frivolous things. Friendships, with men or women, are normally built on a foundation of mutual respect, common interests, and similar values. To blanket female friendships being around shopping sprees, manicures, talking about boys...is really sad and untrue.

I have a large circle of men and women friends. Sure, some of my female friends like to spend money of frivolous things such as manicures, facials, and hand bags; but my guys friends also like to spend money on things they find frivolous...and why should my friendship with them be strained based on how they spend their money? I buy things that I like because it's my money, and what I get enjoyment out of.

As you grow older, you appreciate your friends having similar ideas, values, and traits - and respecting you, for you. I'm not friends with people because, regardless of their gender, they don't share fundamental traits/ideas that I like to surround myself with. If someone is malicious, immature, or overly selfish - I've met men and women who are like that - I tend to stay away from them.

Some of my friends share similar hobbies...but a lot don't.

If you're having a hard time maintaining friendships, perhaps it's because you're not surrounding yourself with people who should be your friend. And I would say that it's less likely that they're female, and more likely that you just don't share similar outlooks on the world...

 

[say what]

I relate to that. I hardly have any female friends... it's just easier to talk to males, who tend to be straightforward and don't talk about the stereotypical female stuff (not that I don't like it... I just don't think life should revolve around it). And women tend to be gossipers, which makes me uncomfortable. If men gossip, they do it to far less of an extent.

For me, the problem seems to be that I have layers. I tend to be very polite and buttoned-up when I first meet people, but when I start to feel comfortable around them, my offensive blunt humor comes out, and people are surprised that I'm not who they thought I was. I'm still a nice, caring person... I'm just weirder than I let on at first! lol

And there's the introverted side of me that makes me pretty boring if I'm not up for socializing. My job requires me to interact with people all day long, so when I finally get to hang out with friends, I don't have much energy left to be social.

Overall, not the easiest person to get on with. haha. But I'm trying to make more female friends at work. I just texted one, in fact. Come on, ladies, you know you want this!

I would disagree with this.
I know tons of men who are gossipers.

 

[Free]

Wow...a thread devoted to why women can't be friends with other women?

You know, friendships with women typically are not built upon a cornerstone of girly and frivolous things. Friendships, with men or women, are normally built on a foundation of mutual respect, common interests, and similar values. To blanket female friendships being around shopping sprees, manicures, talking about boys...is really sad and untrue.

I have a large circle of men and women friends. Sure, some of my female friends like to spend money of frivolous things such as manicures, facials, and hand bags; but my guys friends also like to spend money on things they find frivolous...and why should my friendship with them be strained based on how they spend their money? I buy things that I like because it's my money, and what I get enjoyment out of.

As you grow older, you appreciate your friends having similar ideas, values, and traits - and respecting you, for you. I'm not friends with people because, regardless of their gender, they don't share fundamental traits/ideas that I like to surround myself with. If someone is malicious, immature, or overly selfish - I've met men and women who are like that - I tend to stay away from them.

Some of my friends share similar hobbies...but a lot don't.

If you're having a hard time maintaining friendships, perhaps it's because you're not surrounding yourself with people who should be your friend. And I would say that it's less likely that they're female, and more likely that you just don't share similar outlooks on the world...

 

[rawr]

"When it smells like crap everywhere you go, check your boots."

 

[hush]

I can't relate to this even remotely.

I have had deep and long-lasting relationships with "female friends" my entire life. One of my best friends has been as such since we were 7. She more a sister to me than just a friend than I suspect she'll ever know, though she likely does anyway. I can't fathom having such experiences as you described.

There are various degrees of friendship depending on the person, of course, but... it isn't "easy" or "hard." Having friends is like breathing to me. I love my friends. I care for them deeply. I have a wide circle of them, and we are there for each other. And when I say wide circle, I don't just mean females. Gender doesn't have anything to do with it. It's a circle of PEOPLE. And of course it's not all roses, we tease and drive each other nuts sometimes, because friends do that, too. The only people I tease, honestly, are my buddies, who I know will give back and good as they get and know I'm just messing with them.

I don't know about the people you're describing as "friends." That doesn't sound like friendship to me.

[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] said it all very well. <3

 

[Scientia]

[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] and [MENTION=4598]hush[/MENTION]:

I don't know the OP at all and maybe I am missing some backstory here but are you trying to make [MENTION=14044]FanyMV[/MENTION] feel worse or just make her jealous of your good fortune? You are both lucky to have found great friends whom you loved for years but some people move for jobs or school or their good friends move away. Finding new, likeminded people can be difficult. It sounds like she is trying to make new friends, not keep old ones and I found your lack of understanding and fingerpointing harsh and uncalled for. We are all happy for you that you have lots of great friends but that also means you have support and she doesn't.

 

[hush]

@say what and @hush:

I don't know the OP at all and maybe I am missing some backstory here but are you trying to make @FanyMV feel worse or just make her jealous of your good fortune? You are both lucky to have found great friends whom you loved for years but some people move for jobs or school or their good friends move away. Finding new, likeminded people can be difficult. It sounds like she is trying to make new friends, not keep old ones and I found your lack of understanding and fingerpointing harsh and uncalled for. We are all happy for you that you have lots of great friends but that also means you have support and she doesn't.

Some of the people on here post things that disgust me. Does it make them feel superior, or what?

Did directly and indirectly attacking people make you feel superior?

We were sharing our experiences. That is all.

For instance, the concept of making friends based on gender doesn't resonate me. That was something I was trying to convey in my post. For others it might resonate with them. That's cool, too.

And yeah, I posted about some long-lasting friendships. Just to use an example of my experiences with female friendship. Because we all have different experiences. Because the OP specifically asked whether or not is what easy for someone to have female friends. So people responded with what was accurate for them, whether it was easy or difficult. A variety of responses would be expected.

 

[say what]

[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] and [MENTION=4598]hush[/MENTION]:

I don't know the OP at all and maybe I am missing some backstory here but are you trying to make [MENTION=14044]FanyMV[/MENTION] feel worse or just make her jealous of your good fortune? You are both lucky to have found great friends whom you loved for years but some people move for jobs or school or their good friends move away. Finding new, likeminded people can be difficult. It sounds like she is trying to make new friends, not keep old ones and I found your lack of understanding and fingerpointing harsh and uncalled for. We are all happy for you that you have lots of great friends but that also means you have support and she doesn't.

Actually, what we were doing was suggesting that it's nothing to do with gender, and more to do with the fact that perhaps the OP hasn't met the right kind of friends yet. Wouldn't it be a nicer to encourage the OP to think that they've yet to find friends that 'click' with them, rather than deter them from finding friendships with their female peers? Sure it might be difficult, but I think it's worth seeking out likeminded friends, rather than just assuming you can't have a meaningful friendship with someone of your gender.

We were trying to stress that gender shouldn't be a basis of friendship, and that seeking out traits/attitudes/outlooks is likely a more fortuitous means of making long-lasting and significant friendships. In fact, I found that the advice and outlook of 'yes, females can't be friends with other females' to be quite "harsh and uncalled for". This attitude, similar to 'women can't be friends with men', is something I don't agree with and think that, when faced with such an outlook, it's good to encourage someone to see beyond such unnecessary boundaries and seek out an alternative perspective.

 

[hush]

[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] articulated it much better than I did. I'm half-awake.

Really, no harm was intended.

If it did seem harsh, and if I did hurt someone, then I do apologize. Like say what said, we were merely expressing our opinions on the relationship between gender and friendship.

 

[Mermaid Amalthea]

I sympathize with the original post of [MENTION=14044]FanyMV[/MENTION]. I too find female friendship difficult. There are many reasons why, most of which are not specifically related to my personality type. I find others, particularly women, difficult to trust, because of mother issues.

I enjoy doing many of the things mentioned throughout the thread, like manicures, shopping. Additionally, needlework and baking. I have a Pinterest. Lack of common ground is not the problem for me.

I am attempting to cultivate healthy friendships based on mutual respect, and it is a slow, gradual process. If there is an opportunity for a lunch or outing together, every few months, then I am grateful for that.

I faced a great deal of stigma for having few friends, and was treated like an abnormal child by the adults around me. My father, in particular, communicated that my level of social interaction was unacceptably low, which shamed me. I still feel a great deal of shame about the level of my friendships or lack thereof.

Additionally, I am sure there are as many definitions of friendship as there are people. If I can enjoy another person, and they enjoy me, I consider them a friend, even if we never go out together. This makes me feel I actually have many friends, which in truth I would rather believe.

 

[FanyMV]

How do you know it's that they can't stand your personality?

To answer your question, yes. It is difficult for me to make female friends because I find most girly things like shopping and fashion annoying. I don't have "normal friends". They are either like me or almost like me. All the others are irksome.

When i say that they can't stand my personality I refer to the fact that I have the tendency to act more like me and less based on what people expect from me as a girl for example. In my opinion, a considerable amount of women (still in this century) believe that they should act "like a lady" , do girly stuff, cook, clean, etc etc. A lot of them criticize other women that doesn't act like that. They get mad if you talk to guys about everything with trust, if you get drunk with male friends, etc etc... When I have friends, I treat women and men equally. In my relationship, I hang out with my bf buddies and I think they don't have a problem with that...!!! I don't want to be a guy....b/c im a girl... I just don't think that I have to treat different a person just for the fact that it's my opposite sex. "They can't stand my personality": that's what I meant. They literally get mad and sometimes is b/c Guys talk to me more and ignore them...!!! I get frustrated sometimes b/c I want that they get that I'm not interested in any of those guys, I'm happy with my b/f. I just like that people feel comfortable around me and doesn't feel excluded.


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[FanyMV]

Although I am a male, I completely endorse what is said here. It resonates with my life, but observed from a male perspective....in 21st Century Britain.....go figure.

I've spent the last two years trying to connect with a single female my age, I haven't even come close to meeting somebody I can even find anything in-common with, and that is excluding the many superficial activities, opinions, beliefs and practices they enjoy. The rituals they partake in, such as spending an entire week doing nothing but shopping for clothes, going to clubs at 2am and dancing to atrocious and meaningless noise ejected out of massive speakers, DJed by some guy with more piercings than the average male because he thinks it is 'indie'. Surrounded by (and even living with) men that also obsess over trying to look 'different' or 'special' to satisfy a false sense of their own contradictions because, in-secret, they wish to conform to whatever trend or superficial ritual their friends or what MTV proudly displays on the television in the kitchen. These men also claim to abide by the trendy 'liberal' political scene, whilst simultaneously treating their female peers like they were meat on the rack, and of course the female will follow. This is not a gender issue, but an issue with my own fight with the student-bubble and all of the immaturity and insecurities that entails because I happen to be of the same age as these air-heads. Sanctimonious hypocrites will not get along with me, I'm afraid.

Anyway, a bit of a rant there, but I can definitely empathize with these issues.

Love what you have said lol. It happens to me also. In this particular aspect I believe women are more difficult to connect with (as an INFJ) b/c the culture is still more hard on us vs with men. We have all this superficial pressures of being pretty, being "good", "cute", "the girl next door", the virgin, the maternal, etc....
With all that stuff invading our experiences and thoughts since childhood (when our toys are dolls, dishes, little kitchens, make up toys, etc) a lot of women believe that they should keep doing what society expect from them as women, forgetting that people minds have evolved and that people actually get educated, so ignorance should not be as common as it is. Is different of what you said, but I believe that connects with what I'm saying when one analyze that one determining factor of this "superficial/vain/immature/hypocrite/not self " behavior are the social roles that in part are destroying the individuality of the subjects... So people act like a bunch of stupids fallowing trends... And sometimes that gives them security even if it's a created false security built on everything that is being considered or they believe is "cool" , leaving behind the real coolness that lies in the authenticity...!!!


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[FanyMV]

Wow...a thread devoted to why women can't be friends with other women?

You know, friendships with women typically are not built upon a cornerstone of girly and frivolous things. Friendships, with men or women, are normally built on a foundation of mutual respect, common interests, and similar values. To blanket female friendships being around shopping sprees, manicures, talking about boys...is really sad and untrue.

I have a large circle of men and women friends. Sure, some of my female friends like to spend money of frivolous things such as manicures, facials, and hand bags; but my guys friends also like to spend money on things they find frivolous...and why should my friendship with them be strained based on how they spend their money? I buy things that I like because it's my money, and what I get enjoyment out of.

As you grow older, you appreciate your friends having similar ideas, values, and traits - and respecting you, for you. I'm not friends with people because, regardless of their gender, they don't share fundamental traits/ideas that I like to surround myself with. If someone is malicious, immature, or overly selfish - I've met men and women who are like that - I tend to stay away from them.

Some of my friends share similar hobbies...but a lot don't.

If you're having a hard time maintaining friendships, perhaps it's because you're not surrounding yourself with people who should be your friend. And I would say that it's less likely that they're female, and more likely that you just don't share similar outlooks on the world...

Thanks for sharing your point of view. It's true what you have said. The point is to be friends with people that have more things in common and that share similar perspectives, so that I can find the real joy of friendship [emoji5]️. Probably I need to start understanding that not everyone that I like at first or that are classmates, workmates, etc., are a potential friend for me. Thanks [emoji4]


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[FanyMV]

"When it smells like crap everywhere you go, check your boots."

True. That's why I evaluate myself as a friend and as a person. It's always important for me to first of all TRY to identify what I am or what I do, as people perceive it. Even thought I think that nobody knows me better than myself, people perspectives are so important when you actually want to know yourself better. And yes, sometimes we can have "the crap in our boots"... And that can be scary b/c we not only "want to" , but we also "have to" socialize in order to survive...But at what point "the crap" becomes part of who you are and it's only "unwanted" around certain groups of people. Maybe it's important to control the crap, or just be around people that understands the crap b/c there's crap in their boots also lol....!!! Thanks for your opinion [emoji5]️


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[FanyMV]

I can't relate to this even remotely.

I have had deep and long-lasting relationships with "female friends" my entire life. One of my best friends has been as such since we were 7. She more a sister to me than just a friend than I suspect she'll ever know, though she likely does anyway. I can't fathom having such experiences as you described.

There are various degrees of friendship depending on the person, of course, but... it isn't "easy" or "hard." Having friends is like breathing to me. I love my friends. I care for them deeply. I have a wide circle of them, and we are there for each other. And when I say wide circle, I don't just mean females. Gender doesn't have anything to do with it. It's a circle of PEOPLE. And of course it's not all roses, we tease and drive each other nuts sometimes, because friends do that, too. The only people I tease, honestly, are my buddies, who I know will give back and good as they get and know I'm just messing with them.

I don't know about the people you're describing as "friends." That doesn't sound like friendship to me.

[MENTION=10252]say what[/MENTION] said it all very well. <3

Thanks... It's true, doesn't sound like friendship. It's something that I confuse when daily activities forces me to see the same people always. Friendship is a treasure... definitely. Not easy to find.


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