INFJ-T Relationship Advice Please

[Tasha Pazo]

I'm an INFJ-T and have relationship troubles.
I was with my ex-husband for 15 years, and we were like best friends. It was a beautiful marriage... then he wanted something different and found any reason to divorce.

Since the divorce 3 years ago, I've dated 2 narcissists. One of which really did some emotional damage (including steal my baby from me and controls everything I do with my infant-- but that's another story).

It's been a year since the trauma with the narcissist and I'm back in the dating scene but I'm having a lot of trouble with it. It seems like I'll meet a great guy and I'll idealize him, almost to an obsessive point. Then when he doesnt want the level of commitment I do (within a month-2 months), I'll dump him. Then I'll regret it.

Repeat cycle.

I hate being alone and everyone tells me to be happy alone, but I feel it does more damage than good. I desperately long to care for my man and for that companionship, but it doesnt seem like this generation of men want it. Instead they seem as though they "say" they want something serious, but don't want to put forth the effort or want to be exclusive... they really want to remain free and play...

Insight? Advice?

 

[David54]

good morning. . well. .

It seems like I'll meet a great guy and I'll idealize him, almost to an obsessive point. Then when he doesnt want the level of commitment I do (within a month-2 months), I'll dump him. Then I'll regret it.

you and I share a similar problem. meet a person and they become everything to us. .waiting for that next text or phone call. . can't breathe if they are not around. doesn't matter if they are really a good fit, they are with us and that's what matters. . .lived my whole life that way, and it doesn't work. You have an inner you that is the most important thing you have. Time to start learning about that inner self. what do you think, need, want, desire,feel. . you, not them. ,
My advice. . stop dating and take however much time you need to reacquaint yourself with you.
I started a relationship recently, but found things I didn't like. and after some time of getting myself back to me, told them no, they crossed some issues that in the past I would have let go, just to be with someone. . but in doing that I would have to sacrifice part of myself. no more of that in my life, thank you. . .
I feel like you don't really know what you want because you don't really know who you are

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

Narcs are pretty common in the "normal" population and the problem has gotten out of hand due to society forcing people to become that way to survive in the business world. The dating scene is misanthropy inducing especially for the younger people where basically it has gotten to the point where the only winning move is to not play. I don't like relationships where there is emotional instability and lack of any real endurance coupled with inability to really deep dive into intensity so I don't bother after realizing that most people fall into one or more of those if not all the above.

 

[slant]

I used to be like you. Go back in my blog and read. I still struggle with it slightly but not enough for me to even consider it a problem because I can stop it in its tracks before it gets too bad.

What I was doing was making finding love and a relationship my life goal, a hobby. I didn't really have anything else going on for me. Also, I was not working on my c-ptsd and the abuse and neglect in my childhood made it hard for me to have a secure attachment style. So I didn't know how to have healthy, normal relationships of any sort.

I've been working on myself since April 2019. Lost 100lbs, have hobbies and interests, and I am dating in a healthy way. I think my videos might really help you, check them out:

https://www.youtube.com/user/slantmaster

But besides plugging my stuff...

I used cognitive behavioral therapy techniques to change the way I approached life and love. Look into it. I also started to learn about self love, self compassion, and radical self acceptance.

You don't have to be alone, I've had people tell me that to. But you do have to be comfortable when you are alone and enjoy your own company... You will always be with you, you gotta learn to love yourself.

I believe we are like trees, we each stand on our own but we are connected at the roots. So whatever you do to yourself it affects the whole forest. If you put yourself first and nurture yourself it will affect everything around you.

Keeping a diary has helped me. You have to figure out what will work for you, but essentially you need to get a better relationship with youself going so you don't seek love and approval to validate your existence,

Secondly, you need to find a community to be part of. This is the *you don't have to be alone* part. Right now...I would not recommend dating. I would recommend you build a strong network of friends who encourage and support you.

Eventually you will have done enough internal work that you can date again in a healthy way but again, speaking on my own experiences, until you do the internal work this will just keep happening over and over again. You got to heal yourself.

 

[JustPhil]

Insight? Advice?

How does spending time alone do "more damage than good" for you? I ask this as I used to feel the same way about loneliness. I have spent a lot of time investigating loneliness over the last six months. I would have thought your friend's comments incorrect initially but now I think they are spot on.

I think your comment on men wanting to be free and play is not exclusive to men. Having been on the dating scene for over two years, I can tell you that it is the same for women as well. I feel that much of this is just the way society is trending. People are becoming more dissociated with who they are. I have my theories as to why, but regardless, it makes it harder to find someone you feel a connection with. Hardly anyone seems to want to "look inside" anymore. But they are out there - they're just unicorns .

As for the narcissists in your life I feel you! Some of us seem to attract narcissists because we give them exactly what they need - trust and a giving nature. Read up a bit on narcissism, particularly covert narcissism. Covert narcissism is harder to detect, so making yourself familiar with the traits of these people could help you.

The "dump and regret" comment .. I get that too .. but you did the dump for a reason - and it was probably your intuition. With the regret it's simply the result of second guessing your intuition. Don't! It's a valuable tool on your path.

Finally - take all these hiccups in your life as learning experiences. Experiences that will allow you to make better choices after each "hiccup". The right person is out there. They are rarer than ever before, but they are there.

 

[Asa]

Wait, what? Didn't you already ask about this?

https://www.infjs.com/threads/relationship-help.37082/

 

[slant]

Wait, what? Didn't you already ask about this?

https://www.infjs.com/threads/relationship-help.37082/

Very astute as always

 

[David54]

just wanting more support. and after a long term relationship goes to shit I get it

 

[Ren]

Since the divorce 3 years ago, I've dated 2 narcissists. One of which really did some emotional damage (including steal my baby from me and controls everything I do with my infant-- but that's another story).

It's been a year since the trauma with the narcissist and I'm back in the dating scene but I'm having a lot of trouble with it. It seems like I'll meet a great guy and I'll idealize him, almost to an obsessive point. Then when he doesnt want the level of commitment I do (within a month-2 months), I'll dump him. Then I'll regret it.

Repeat cycle.

A month/2 months is rather quick to expect a high level of commitment.

No doubt a lot of men (and women) can be a bit flaky, but that's not everyone. I wonder if there's a possibility you might be unwittingly putting pressure on them through these idealistic-obsessive tendencies you describe. If this is a pattern, have you considered looking into the causes of it with a counsellor?

Basically I think it's normal to want to be in a relationship, but not to be desperate to be in one, if that makes sense.