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[INFJ] INFJ male and ENFP female

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Yvonne Larkin, Jun 17, 2020.

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  1. Yvonne Larkin

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    Hello all -
    I am so well aware that this topic has been beaten to death, but I do need some guidance.

    I have connected with an INFJ male. Over the years we have developed such a wonderful relationship that includes all night conversations (a lot of them, at times nightly) about anything and nothing at all, playful teasing, him initiating hugs, high fives, inside jokes and just a chemistry between us that is so strong if other people are around I will intentionally avoid him because I am concerned they will notice. I can feel him watching me sometimes when I am not looking. I can feel him watching me for a reaction when someone is talking to me. We always hold each other's gaze and you INFJs... the depth in your eyes is at times startling. Sometimes when we make eye contact it's intense and trance like - like the snake in Disney's Robin Hood. I (the ENFP) am the first to look away after 5+ seconds but when I look back at him, he never turned away. But I am an eye contact person - it's how I read people.
    When we do get a chance to catch up, he always wants to hear about what's new and insists I keep in touch with updates. If I am not as talkative in the group (I get introverted) he will actually pull me into the convo and is always wondering what I am thinking. He's made multiple comments about how people don't usually have such deep thoughts as I do. I can't remember what all we did talk about but he does bring up topics randomly when we are talking - even months later. He has sometimes call me by my childhood nickname that only my family and closest friends have used - I don't even know how he heard it. He does activities with me and we laugh the ENTIRE time. He has opened up to me about a lot of things and one night even cried for hours to me... I had cried earlier about something else (I believe I heard him sniffling but didn't dare look - sometimes I can feel him looking while I talk and I can't look) He thinks I am hilarious, has made some subtle compliments (I am an insomniac and he tells me I never look tired and always look good) notices what I wear, has noticed if I did something to my hair, etc. Will compliment it if it's clear I put effort into it.
    Here is the kicker... I am very much taken and he's best friends with my s/o. I can't think of him in any other way. I don't think he's physically attracted to me anyway. But... there is a show everyone says the lead reminds them of me - when I asked him if he saw it, he got flustered and said he started it but couldn't continue because she's sexual and he can't think of me that way. Fine, but the response was kind of dramatic. My feelings weren't hurt - I understood, but it caught me off guard.
    There has been a 180 in him since September. One night he was so chivalrous - he insisted on a big hug as soon as I walked into the room and helping me (I was injured) since my husband wasn't getting up. When we were alone in the other room he turned to me and said "you can do better" I laughed him off and he said "no, you can do better"... I blew him off again and he turned and said 'no really, you can do better" then continued helping me... That night was full of those looks you share with someone that feel like it's us vs. them. After that night, he kind of went cold on me. I feel like he ignores me. Times when we would sit there talking he is now on his phone, which is something he never really did. Our all night convos never include our phones.

    So in reading some of the similar forums, I know this behavior can be because he views me as a friend and he's protective of me. I hope that is the case since I don't want anyone to get hurt. It could be flirty, but like the ENFP type - and I have struggled - it can be misconstrued. Also, based only on INFJ personality, I assume he wouldn't betray his best friend because he'd be concerned about messing up the harmony between us all. I am hoping we can continue to grow our friendship since my access to people who have deep conversations with me is down to him and one other person and that other person is not usually available :(

    If you suspect this is romantic, any guidance on what I can do to make sure I don't hurt him? I was going to ignore it, but reading how sensitive an INFJ can be, if there are feelings... maybe it's not something I can do anything about, but in moving forward what should I be mindful of?
    I care so much about him and feel so lucky to be part of his life... What's your read?

    thank you all, sorry about the novel <3
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius QUIXOTIC GOOD

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    Yes it's romantic.

    My advice is that this isn't worth the risk if you care at all about your husband or your marriage.

    I'm sorry that this would mean that you have to drop a friend that you get on so well with, but lines have already been crossed and the trajectory of this friendship, if it continues, is only going to become even more emotionally intense.

    This INFJ has already betrayed his 'friend' with the 'you can do better' comment, and it's worth pointing out that people who poach are also more likely to cheat, should you leave your husband for him.

    I suspect that you already knew how wrong this friendship was, and that you yourself are denying your feelings for him.

    You have a few options, each with their own ethical value:

    Most Right
    1) Tell your husband what you have told us, and discuss with him what to do about your friendship. End the friendship and eliminate all risks to your marriage.

    2) Have a frank discussion with your friend about your concerns. End the friendship and eliminate all risks to your marriage.

    3) Tell your husband what you have told us, and discuss with him what to do about your friendship. Maintain the friendship and its concomitant risks to your marriage.

    4) Have a frank discussion with your friend about your concerns. Agree to reduce the intensity of the friendship, but understand that there is a significant risk of this backfiring, as feelings can grow in separation.

    5) Have a frank discussion with your friend about your concerns. Maintain the friendship with the risks understood.

    6) Continue the friendship as if there are no risks.
    Most Wrong


    What I would do is (1), and if you're worried in any form about this, then you understand on a visceral level that what you've already been doing is wrong. This is already an emotional affair and if you don't feel guilty about it, then there's something very wrong with your moral compass.
     
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  3. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Girl don't be in denial! There is no doubt this is romantic! It sounds like he's fully aware of his feelings and is trying to distance. So let him. He must know if it carries on it means the end of his friendship with your SO and possibly you. Doesn't make anyone a bad guy.
     
    #3 acd, Jun 17, 2020
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  4. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    So my husband has a friend who went through a bad divorce and seemed to develop a closeness with me after. Because he talked to me about it and hung out with us a lot then. There was a little while when he said and did some questionable things but I didn't make a big deal and neither did my husband. I brushed it off and it's not gone any further. We are still good friends. But I also never had a crush on him or felt deeply for him. He's always been a friend. I do think it's worth examining why you have feelings for him. Maybe there are things to work on with your husband if you want to stay together.
     
  5. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    Basically he liked you and now he's trying to not like you while also maintaining peace among everyone.
    He's probably going a bit insane so just don't lead him on in any way, draw clear lines and show that you are comfortable.
     
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  6. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    Thank you for your thoughtful response. I guess it's technically an emotional affair, because we connect on an emotional level, but we tend to keep our distance otherwise. When we talk I am careful not to discuss personal things with him re: my husband, nor does he ask. I'd never tell him anything I haven't told my husband. In fact, because of the dynamic I try to guard what I am saying. We live in different states and I tend to leave the guys be (though he often asks for me to stay and hang out) as to not get in the way since they don't see each other often. What I was hoping you would say is: sounds like you've gotten close, just keep distance and it will go away - which i would have been fine continuing.

    On my end it is not romantic. Admittedly, I truly enjoy our time together but don't fantasize about him in any other way. I don't put a lot of energy into it other than I feel connected and sometimes it crosses my mind. The reason for this post is more flirty behavior Saturday night - this time online. I feigned tech issues and departed. But this is not enough, I suppose. Dang.
     
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  7. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    Oh my husband and I have things to work on, but he's my person. When i picture getting old it is with him, but I do wish I had a stronger emotional component to it, which is hard. We are so in sync otherwise and I knew it from the moment we met. I have talked a little bit to my husband (not the details) and he claims he isn't bothered, and at one point encouraged it. I laughed it off and never took him up on it. We don't have ongoing texts. It's just a connection I can't explain. When i was reading through the forums I got even MORE confused because people would be practically dry humping their friends and it's like "yeah we do that sometimes. but sometimes it's just friendly. sometimes it means something, but usually if there is a smile and only if they avoid eye contact... but not always" LOL! thank you for your words!
     
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  8. Daustus

    Daustus Technomancer by Day

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    I agree. Could also be because you didn't confirm his passive advance. He might be feeling overexposed and let out the secret that he was poorly keeping. Cannot tell for sure why but he's pulling away to maintain harmony for everyone now.

    Again I agree. General vibe presented is your taken for granted or you need more intimacy/attention. Schedule some date nights or alone time. Be honest with your needs.

    Again I agree. He's probably in a Ni/Ti spiral and feels pretty low and insane. He might have not even meant to let the cat out of the bag but lets be honest these things always come out eventually. I'd set firm boundaries and let all parties know what the new normal is. Again it depends on what you want.
     
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  9. Daustus

    Daustus Technomancer by Day

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    ENFPs and INFJs can have pretty amazing friendships. One of my closest friends is an ENFP. Function theory at play here. The two types have inverse functions in the same order. Ni/Fe/Ti/Se and Ne/Fi/Te/Si - they play well together.
     
  10. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    What does "going a bit insane" look like with an INFJ? I know what it looks like with an ENFP LOL
    Sigh... thank you :( we don't stay in touch outside of gatherings, so I will continue to do what I am doing and go inwards to think on all of the great advice.
     
  11. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    I am sure that's on his mind... and I appreciate it.
     
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  12. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    That is good to hear! I agree with @Daustus that scheduling some 1:1 date nights with your husband is a good idea. Spend quality time without friends. Do something new and fun and make memories with just the two of you. Maybe ask him questions about things you've never really talked about. Sometimes we just get so used to our spouse we take them for granted. Been there!!! But I decided one day to ask my husband some kind of light hearted questions and it led to really interesting conversations. Even just sending our son to his grandparents so we can go out or stay in together makes a big difference. Quality alone time is very important.
     
  13. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    And I love to play. I need mental stimulation, like a border collie. I am often lost in the clouds (all up in the crown) thinking about everything and anything - very meta. Mind goes quicker than I can talk. If something happens, I tend to believe the most obvious is established and look at the little things, which in turn throws most people off. When i can find someone who can go anywhere in the conversation with me, I'm intrigued. It's not often. I have a very loud personality that can rub people wrong (if I don't feel like being charismatic) and now that I am older the amount of energy I am putting into relationships or meeting new people... is just not what it once was.
     
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  14. OP
    Yvonne Larkin

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    Preach. You are so right. It's so important, and every other thing takes priority. The state of the world doesn't help, either.
     
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  15. Daustus

    Daustus Technomancer by Day

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    [​IMG]
    I go into full retreat from the world mode. Or Hitler is another real life example.

    Well you've come to the right place.
     
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  16. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    Ah yes, that sweet bunker life. Just before the end.
    [​IMG]
     
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  17. Wyote

    Wyote Dad of the Ded
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    It's that NiTi loop spiraling out of control. Immobile, taciturn and sharply critical.
     
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  18. Daustus

    Daustus Technomancer by Day

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    Hitler's bunker was the best follow up joke I've seen all day.
     
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    noisebloom theory conspirer
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    Yvonne Larkin

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