INFJ into me or not, confused on behavior

[nowornever1972]

Hi everyone I would like some help to understand someone I have recently been seeing, she is without a doubt INFJ. I will put down facts below and try to explain.


History:

We were friends in our early twenties, but back then we were both married. Although its not right I had a mad crush on her back then however obviously never said anything. Things happen and life goes on anther 20 years pass and one day we run into each other and we are both single.

Currently:

As I mentioned above we run into each other this quickly escalated to going out for dinner. We kissed and she was very heavily looking for fun and I sort of liked her allot but didn't want to hook up just for sex sort of stuff. Anyway I explained this to her, and she approached me again and we met up a few more times took her dogs for a swim etc. She drinks allot on the week ends, and I notice that when she does shes very chatty and up for fun etc. Anyway I sort of pushed this back, cause I really like her not just chemistry but who she is as a person is very dear to me.

Pattern:

I have noticed that at times she will say wonderfull things really chatty examples below:

I think your hot.
Your kind.
Your genuine.
Whats mine is yours.
Kissing me on the forhead.
I really like you.
Pet names like sweat heart

Could be like this for a few days, then suddenly doesn't seem to respond or she does its really slow and its like shes really distant. I sort of know a little about INFJ but anyway I am worried and this is my biggest fear (that she will for some reason decide im not what she wants but is to nice to tell me and will fade out rather than be up front). She knows how much I like her, and I have told her my fear and she come back to me and said, I would never do that - I would never lead you on if I was not interested.

But her actions, like last week end just seemed to have no interest to see me. We are physical and flirting allot and she has little digs like if I might say kiss me she might reply with sorry got to run need to have a shower etc..... And over all seems distant, doesn't reply no pet names........ just a real change.


My Questions:

What is behind this behaviour of hot and cold?

If she had changed her mind and decided to do the nice withdraw how would I know?

Is it possible she is testing me?

She knows I am concerned, why would she give digging comments.... Is she saing buzz off or is she just teasing.


Final Comment:

I really don't know were I stand your help would be appreciated.

I do notice she says allot of the nice things when shes been drinking..... whats this all mean

 

[acd]

She sounds INFP.
She probably likes you but doesn't feel like committing right now.

 

[Asa]

I don't know, but I did notice you pushed her away twice. By being cautious, you may be giving false signals of rejection.
It isn't exactly natural for an INFJ to make the first move, however bold she seems. So, she was bold with her feelings toward you and you pushed her away. I'd cool off, too, if a man did that to me.

I would pay attention to how she looks at you and her facial expressions if you want to know what she is thinking.

We're all different, but INFJs typically like deep relationships, not casual ones. If she is an INFJ and she was behaving this way with you, it could mean she has already decided that she trusts you enough to open up to some degree. Don't think you're 'in' just because you made it past the first gate. It takes a long time to earn our trust and we never really stop opening up, but it is a slow process.
A lot of people are into hooking up, regardless of MBTI. I don't know her, so I can't tell you what she was expecting from your friendship. You should ask her.

Her behavior is a bit negative and cold, even if she is joking. It sounds like you made her second guess you and you hurt her feelings.

Proceed with caution, honesty and sincerity. Try to leave the "you mean a lot to me" conversations for moments when she isn't trying to get your pants off.

PS: You are also both no longer married, so you know that changes people and it takes a long time to heal.
PPS: [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] - I thought she sounded INFP, too. Hard to tell someone's type with such a limited example of their behavior.

 

[acd]

[MENTION=14092]Asa[/MENTION] I just related to a lot of it and it also reminded me of two INFP friends, one male and one female.

 

[Asa]

Yes, of course!!! I should have said, "Hard **for me** to tell someone's type with such a limited example of their behavior."

Maybe you can offer some INFP insight?

 

[invisible]

Since this is an advice thread I'm going to be bossy and give advice. Try not to worry so much! Sounds like things are going pretty well. Try not to over-analyse. We can't control the future, just do our best with the present. Just enjoy your time together! Have a good time, enjoy each other's company.

Can I suggest maybe some activities without drinking? Maybe a walk together in some pretty natural environment, like beside a lake or something, etc. - something fun outdoors? Or an art gallery, to chat about your thoughts on some paintings. Or some cool cultural events in your area.

 

[acd]

Yes, of course!!! I should have said, "Hard **for me** to tell someone's type with such a limited example of their behavior."

Maybe you can offer some INFP insight?

[MENTION=1814]invisible[/MENTION] gave great advice. Just take it as it goes.

 

[Persona]

@Asa I just related to a lot of it and it also reminded me of two INFP friends, one male and one female.

Last girl that shattered me was INFP, nope, not again! If she's INFP you run far away, dig yourself a hole, jump in, and bury yourself alive.
Naw, all jokes aside, but [MENTION=14668]nowornever1972[/MENTION] how can you be so sure she's INFJ? Is this factual, or are you guessing?

And my best advice for you that I give everyone in a situation like this, is to be the chasee, not the chaser.
Make her miss you. As hard as it may be, try to tone down the situation a bit on your side, but subtly.
When she misses you, she'll want to communicate with you more, and you'll have the upper hand again.

The pattern of her withdrawing could simply be natural for her if she's an INFJ, or most introverts for that matter.
Many introverts need prolong times of recharging, some more than others, even if it means cutting off all communication
with close ones or the ones you love.

Another possibility is she could doubt your actual feelings for her. She might think you're just playing "nice guy"
or a good friend, even if your approach with her is obvious, which causes her to rethink your feelings for her.

I don't know either of you, but with the little you've said, that's what I can pull from it.

 

[nowornever1972]

I fully appreciate the comments I need to add to this.............she IS DEFINATELY INFJ............. there is no question about it............could you please base comments around this as a FACT. Anymore comments would be appreciated......

 

[invisible]

I don't think there's necessarily any need to question whether she is INFJ or not. INFJs can be weird and unpredictable and difficult to understand.

 

[nowornever1972]

I feel I have opened up a bit, I really like her..................and when she said she missed me..........it got me a bit yeah........... To give you some background, my partners over the last 15 years have been highly extraverted and Narcistic...... which I gues has impacted my ability to open up..........cause ive been flogged hard.

I just not sure on her, she is an INFJ............ she said a few things about the doing stuff in the future...........which seemed positive as INFJ do think forward like this.......


But over all HOT and COLD is how I see it..............which if it were anyone else than an INFJ I would of put on my running shoes as it represents games to me. But is this wonderfull girl interested.................to look at her and see her kindness just is something amazing.........

Just not sure on the mixed signals.

 

[nowornever1972]

I don't know, but I did notice you pushed her away twice. By being cautious, you may be giving false signals of rejection.
It isn't exactly natural for an INFJ to make the first move, however bold she seems. So, she was bold with her feelings toward you and you pushed her away. I'd cool off, too, if a man did that to me.

I would pay attention to how she looks at you and her facial expressions if you want to know what she is thinking.

We're all different, but INFJs typically like deep relationships, not casual ones. If she is an INFJ and she was behaving this way with you, it could mean she has already decided that she trusts you enough to open up to some degree. Don't think you're 'in' just because you made it past the first gate. It takes a long time to earn our trust and we never really stop opening up, but it is a slow process.
A lot of people are into hooking up, regardless of MBTI. I don't know her, so I can't tell you what she was expecting from your friendship. You should ask her.

Her behavior is a bit negative and cold, even if she is joking. It sounds like you made her second guess you and you hurt her feelings.

Proceed with caution, honesty and sincerity. Try to leave the "you mean a lot to me" conversations for moments when she isn't trying to get your pants off.

PS: You are also both no longer married, so you know that changes people and it takes a long time to heal.
PPS: [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] - I thought she sounded INFP, too. Hard to tell someone's type with such a limited example of their behavior.

She is only full on when shes been drinking, when she isn't drinking shes quiet as a mouse...........softly spoken and very calm..................not man expression

 

[Scientia]

I do the hot/cold thing when I like the person enough to want to learn more but he has said or done things that make me suspicious of his character or intelligence. I also might become very complimentary with anyone I am with if I have had a drink or two but that rarely means I want to be in a relationship with him.

She could go either way but I suspect that she likes you and wants to hang with you but doesn't see you as a good enough fit to take a chance on letting her feelings go.

 

[Asa]

nowornever1972 - We’re just doing what INFJs and INFPs do by discussing whether someone is really one type or the other. These two types are like siblings.

As stated above by others, all INFJs are different.

I don’t do hot/cold, but I do ‘cautious’. I will open up a little, but not more than that. I’ll wait to see how the other person responds. If I am "cold" it means the person has upset me, but not enough to shut them out. New friends have mistaken this caution for something being off, because I seemed so warm before. The person that caused my shield to go up may even be totally unaware of what they did or said that made me cautious.

INFJ sense of humor can be a lot “harsher” or “meaner” than they seem on the surface because we’re quiet and kind. Maybe she is just being funny. If the jokes keep feeling hurtful it may mean she is upset with you, but if she is still spending time with you at all, she likes you. INFJs don’t hang out with people they do like, so they are definitely not going to spend time with people they don’t like.

I am supportive and encouraging with people in general. The degree depends on how well I know them. People sometimes mistake this for flirtation. All I can say here is, try to decipher the depth and intensity of the compliments.

I agree w/ Scientia and suspect your love interest likes you. BUT, you may have given her signals that caused her shield to go up.

But over all HOT and COLD is how I see it..............which if it were anyone else than an INFJ I would of put on my running shoes as it represents games to me. But is this wonderfull girl interested.................to look at her and see her kindness just is something amazing......... Just not sure on the mixed signals.

-- It is awesome that you recognize this. INFJs (at least well-developed ones) do not typically play games, but people earn trust slowly with us, and we can be very confusing creatures.


Typically, if you win the heart of an INFJ you have 100000% of their heart. It may take a while to get to that point with them, especially if they've been badly hurt in the past, but if they do it is absolute.