INFJ / INFJ breakup- how to remain friends | INFJ Forum

INFJ / INFJ breakup- how to remain friends

cotey72

Three
Jan 26, 2016
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INFJ
Have recently broken up with an INFJ and I am an INFJ. It is long distance. We tried to go from 3 skypes a week and heaps of messages...to one Skype a week and really limited messages.

After 3 weeks we spoke and realised both felt in limbo and not broken up so we have now taken a proper break. It's rough as we were very close in terms of support for each other.

I know it takes time, but I am really not sure what to do to help navigate. In every other instance as an adult I have done the 'slam the door shut' thing referred to here.

It is getting old though and I think the door slamming is not healthy for mean and leaves unresolved guilt.

This person is lovely, possibly my first INFJ partner (so actually gets me) and I really want to have them in my life...previous couple of exes I did not even like as people on reflection.

Any guidance appreciated x
 
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Maybe you guys will get back to being friends some day, but in my experience you need to break contact completely for a while. You're talking like you're not totally over this person either, whch is just going ot make it harder.

Decide upon a time you guys will get in touch again. Give it at least 3 or 4 months with no contact whatsoever.

I've found in the past that not having this no contact thing only confused the issue. Like you're already experiencing -- it was impossible to go from relationship to friends immidiately. Also, not having a longer break confused feelings and we were on again off again for a while and now dont even speak.

It's always going to be tough at the start I'm afraid -- theres no getting around that.

I Feel for you. I'm sorry this happened.
 
There is no step by step manual on this. You both make a choice to do it and follow through with it. It takes just as much work as any other relationship or friendship, but you both have to put in the effort and make sure you're on the same page about everything along the way.
 
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I realise this may sound very insensitive but maybe you could somehow treat the matter with a sense of humour? Like something along the lines of laughing at a comical image of the two of you having some ridiculous squabble as partners, by comparison to a much more sensible friendship? Just to lighten things up a bit.

I am so immature, I love getting rid of people who are not working well in my life, it makes me feel so free, and it makes me feel like they are also free from something that wasn't working. Even though you are planning a future friendship, maybe you can tap into that sort of feeling of freedom just a little bit?

Good luck!
 
I have also done the doorslam thing but I agree that if you can be friends, you should. No one here knows what your relationship was like except you. Do what you feel is the right thing. You already know what that is because you decided that being in limbo wasn't working. I would, however, not completely cut off contact, even for a few months because we tend to construct our lives around our inner circles and if you close that off, the likelihood of remaining friends is slim.
 
[MENTION=14492]cotey72[/MENTION]

I agree that cutting off contact would be detrimental to the friendship. I think it's something that you have to work on, daily. The hardest part will be always feeling like you want to interact more because you were so close before. It can make it seem like you're in limbo, because you're closer than average friends, yet not lovers. Accept the weirdness of it and work towards a supportive friendship. If having this person in your life means that much to, do not cut off contact. All that is doing is throwing them in the bin.
 
Take a break.

You can be friends again, but that time isn't now. INFJ's more than anyone else I know love to be friends with anyone they've ever had more than a passing connection with.

My 3.5 year INFJ/ENFP/probably-actually-a-sensor EX (different results every time he took it lol) broke up with me, and was really afraid to do so because he didn't want to lose me as a person in his life. Both of us worked hard at being there for each other being that we lived together. Plenty of distance was had even in that situation. Romantic feelings have waned, now we are best friends and I feel like our relationship with each other is more "true" than ever.

It's a bit different if it's long distance. But I think things can work out in the long run, even if it takes a year or two. Just take a break. Chill out and become neutral minded with your ex. Becoming friends again is possible, it just requires the desire to still have a connection from both people, and it requires both of you to get over each other completely.
 
Thanks all. Will blend all your replies into a strategy.
No one did anything wrong, we still really like and value each other...the primary barrier to it progressing was distance.
She is worth the effort, will do my best to have my first non-door slamming break up :) x