INFJ female relationship help with ESFP boyfriend. Any advice r thoughts would be app

[Varia]

I'm an INFJ female. I just wanted to see if anyone knew or had experienced a relationship with an angry ESFP. I'm not an angry person and it's very difficult to get him to understand fighting angrily and yelling destroys me. He has no interest in deep conversations and checks out every girl in sight including commercials. He comments on their cuteness which would be OK hut he rarely compliments me. I've read they are shallow and have grass as greener attitudes, but is their any chance those qualities may mature? Do INFJs and ESFP able to work in a relationship?

 

[Dohavior]

All I know of ESFP is that they banter a lot. (banter: an exchange of light, playful, teasing remarks; good-natured raillery.) Sure they whine a lot about grass as greener attitudes, doesn't mean they have that. I think your boyfriend views you as some sort of authority on all things feminine so he runs everything by you first to see what role he is to play in the relationship. To compliment you would be to make a distinction of improvement, yet in his eyes you are never tarnished but rather immortalized as an integral part of him.

To simply accept and be aware that anger resides in you is not cause to fight and yell. This is a common trend among xxFP types and how they ascertain their environment. In my experience INFJ often embrace even the darker notions of love as an integral measure of one's feelings. In this regard you feel as if he is holding back from you, perhaps even he too feels the same.

I would suggest looking at your relationship like a play or piece of artwork. Try establishing a dialogue of names to call each other with their own figurative quotes, it can be as cutesy as you like. To answer your question I would say in a formal situation ESFP + INFJ work well however in a personal situation things are very different. What I have noticed to always be true of INFJ is their unwillingness to call out a bluff or turn the tables in a conversation. And this trait is something that many admire about you. You don't seem to gamble when feelings are involved. Maybe you two should play a few simple card games to talk things over.

I read a post elsewhere on the forums about an INFJ enneagram that seems to be more in touch with their shadow/dual functions so perhaps you could consult such a person for a better understanding.

 

[Erlian]

a relationship with an angry ESFP.

Doesn't matter what type. Angry is always bad.

but is their any chance those qualities may mature?

Possible, but highly unlikely. Don't expect that you can 'change' him. Decent chance that he will never change. Decent chance he will eventually change (within decennia). Extremely low chance that he will change within a few years.

Never maintain a relationship because you hope to change your partner. More often than not, they will not change.

Do INFJs and ESFP able to work in a relationship?

All types can work.

 

[Scientia]

What [MENTION=12103]Erlian[/MENTION] said

 

[Varia]

Yeah, that makes sense. I guess I was just hoping he'd mature. He is a different person around everyone else. No one knows he is angry. They really don't know him. I just thought maybe since he is so great and nice to everyone else, I had a chance. I saw the person everyone else sees now before we got into a relationship. I just blamed myself for his change around me and he told me what he thought I wanted to hear. I wanted truth, he gave me lies saying agreeing hid thinking and values were the same. So, I didn't go into this wanting to change him or hoping for maturity, I was just given a delusion and unfortunately fell for it. I found out a lot of lies after a big life decision was made. Idk. Thank you though.

 

[Erlian]

I found out a lot of lies after a big life decision was made. Idk. Thank you though.

Such is life.. :/
May your next big decision be more fruitful.

 

[Solongo]

It's been suggested that a shadow side to infjs are esfp types - not sure how accurate that is but on a very bad day an infj has the capacity to exhibit traits associated with esfps. not saying ESFP's are shadow people; just saying that much of their functioning can border on conflict with the usually genial nature of infjs. I would assume that the angry outbursts alone will create havoc and pain for infjs but this will depend on many factors that you did not reveal about your relationship. Such as how do you deal with conflict as an infj; do you have history of attracting angry types into your experience; do you have repressed anger yourself and so on. But in a general sense I would assume that a mature infj will be apt to deal with the temperaments of esfps but a lot of energy will be sapped and spent just trying to keep the peace - which is very opposite of infjs. Infjs generally prefer conflict free environment and never really interested in playing a babysitter to an angry partner without receiving anything of value in return. However; with your own free will you are free to choose any partner that brings you some sort of happiness and contentment. not sensing much of that from your descriptions and i would ask what is driving you to stay in this relationship that gives you no depth?

if I maybe so bold, but the cliche of changing someone seems to apply here. You cannot change people unless they choose to and cannot go into a relationship with the idealized version of the person instead of the actual nature of the individual. This is a rookie mistake many women make in their earlier attempts at relationship. It is meant to teach you about YOUR role in a relationship and generally has NOTHING to do with the partner in question. Never stay in a relationship HOPING and WISHING - you are asking for a lot of heartbreak.