INFJ (F) dumped me ENFP(M) - and now? | INFJ Forum

INFJ (F) dumped me ENFP(M) - and now?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Ledig, May 12, 2020.

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  1. Ledig

    Ledig Newbie

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    A week or so ago I told my ex that she should seek psychiatric help - her response was to end the call and go radio silence on me for one week. Then she contacted my brother and told him that she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore; "he will hurt me."

    She's pretty isolated. Permitted from her job, in a country where there is ongoing lockdown without family or close friends. She's already prone to be a bit paranoid but the last month it got to the extreme like calling the ambulance for a small wound, thinking she's gonna die. When I suggested she should seek psychiatric help she told me that I lost all confidence in her, I also proposed earlier for her to seek a psychotherapist, and she did. She was recommended to actually see a psychiatrist, and she started anti-depression medication that makes her feel awful during the first weeks.

    We were in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years. Talking online for 5 years. During the relationship, we spent more time together than not. We did a lot together, and are very well synchronized.

    So, I called her after she messaged my brother. And she told me she needed space, to heal and find back to her self. And that we could end up together again if it's meant to be. Well, for me that's generic words. I wanted to clarify what space needs. She now told me that she doesn't want to see me with someone else. And we ended the call with "I hope we can be friends". All those lines are for me very undermined, and cheap to say to someone you break up with - and just a week before told that she loves and feels safe that she will be happy when she moves to my country. Even more, she also entertained the theory that I've been emotionally abusing her. There have been some instances where I've been heated up and shouted on her, but I've not abused her. Like I don't feel she's been abusing me when she threw things on the floor and shouting. So I started to apologize for so many things. A couple of days later, she blocked me on Instagram and unfollowed me and ignored me on Messenger. I sent her lengthy letter were I apologized concisely on things I really feel I need to apologize for, very specific, and to the point. And brought up some of her insecurities I realized was so big;

    She took many jokes very personally even if it didn't have at all to do with her and craves great twisting of words to even be able to take them personally. And she also always asked if she's better looking than my exes and so on. In the beginning, it was cute, but sometimes I couldn't withhold my irritation and gave a sarcastic response instead - I think she internalized all this and believed I saw her in the same negative light as she sees her self.
    To be honest the last weeks I have been pretty unresponsive to her messages and first, now I can see how much she craved for affection, which sadly didn't reply to.

    She ended up calling me a couple of days after I sent her the letter. And she apologized as well "for everything", and for the first time in a long time, we could have a conversation that was constructive without her (reoccurring problem) misjudged what I was saying/putting extra words to what I was saying. And she realized her "mistakes" as well and started to cry when I told her specifically that I've been repeating this stuff. She told me that I have a big ego, lack of empathy, and are controlling. The ego thing is that I sometimes see where she's coming from when she wants reassurance by asking "am I hotter than her?", but eventually I feel like she doesn't trust that I find her as the best woman in the world and I'm not giving it to her. About being empathetic - she wants me to take care of her when she comes home from her job. And controlling that I "was opposed" to her going on vacation, when I just told her it's not realistic for her to go both on a vacation, and us going later on. I ended that call before she wanted to end, I was afraid she's gonna spiral down and me not be able to "just listen", I told her we can maybe continue it another time.

    She told me she stated her needs clearly - many times she did it, but many times she did it very passive-aggressively. Sometimes I picked up on that, but many times I missed it as well. But I don't really think she lifted the roots - all from she's feeling very very bad, and expecting me to know that, or her being ambivalent about our stated future (with her moving, kids, and so on), despite being outwardly sure about it.

    Despite all of these things - I feel and think we had a good relationship, and that she also thinks and feels that. During our call, she said many, many things that go to the direction of selective memory. It seems like she forgot everything that opposes all the stuff she told me.

    I dreamt about her this night. It was tough. And I'm dumbfounded. We still have communication lines open, first, she told me that she needed to disconnect complete from me, but called me a day later. And I feel like she wants me to contact her. But this is hurting me. And that generic stuff she told me makes a part of me feel like she's just a woman amongst many. Makes me think if I should contact her family and wish them well in the future - and I feel like the pain she accumulated throughout life with me, and that she's painting a completely bad picture of me - and that I just accepted all the bad things she told about me and apologized - for everything I didn't do and did do.

    I still love her, and right now I want to pave a road to a chance of reconciling in the future (but maybe I don't want it then). I've been lurking around and read that many INFJ's never look back, but many reconcile with exes. I still fantasize about scenarios in the future and they make me smile, but at the same time I feel calm and realistic, and sometimes angry on her, and myself - for those things I accepted but didn't agree on.

    So basically. I don't know what to do. I don't want across as intruding when she said she needs to disconnect, but I also feel like she wants to talk and I care about her. But, at the same time, I don't want to end up talking to her if she can't see my side of it, and those thoughts make me want to forget her and cut out her of my life. Especially when I think about the generic lines she told me - even if that's the easiest way, especially when you are in pain. I think she didn't really broke up with me in her heart - and I would like to have some insight on how to proceed with the situation.

    And I think she's deeply in a Ni-Ti loop ( maybe not, I'm not so well-read about that)

    Please, don't assume things because I left out a lot.
     
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  2. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    it's simple. Who she is now is not enough for you (she needs help according to you)

    she doesn't want to have to live up to your expectations even if she does need help
     
  3. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Sometimes you just have to let people go; she's a big girl.

    If she's going to to leave, let her.
     
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  4. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    You fat shaming?
     
  5. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Nah. :laughing:
     
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  6. Wyote

    Wyote ○●○
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  7. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    OP, I'm generally the kind of guy to do bold things and push limits but with dating it's better to take a more passive approach and give women space. Why?

    Because you don't want to get into trouble for harassment or face legal trouble. Not. Worth. The. Risk.

    If she's not making any effort, leave her alone man. It's bad news bears man. Don't text her, don't call her.

    It's bad news bears.
     
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  8. Hostarius

    Hostarius L I G E T I C

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    Uncanny.

    It sounds to me as if you have a very strong connection but this also means that you are both at risk of falling into some kind of codependency trap. It's a tragic state of affairs really.

    Giving her up, or 'letting her go' is going to be hard, but I feel like what the two of you need now is distance and space. It doesn't mean that you won't reconnect in the future, but it does mean that you'll both need to reconnect with your individuality and focus on solving your own problems.

    What she's doing right now is blaming you for her own issues; it's a form of avoiding painful truths about herself.

    Don't worry, just trust. Step away.
     
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  9. Korg

    Korg ▄ ▄

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    Why is she worth it?
     
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  10. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    sounds like you two are done. at least for now. I think it's time to walk away, time may heal things, it may not, but for your own sake I would end this
     
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  11. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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    She needs psychological help. I am not saying that as a judgement. The fact that she is calling an ambulance for a superficial wound thinking she was going to die is a pretty big concern. Needing constant validation from you is also a big concern. Her insecurities are fucking her up and I hate to say this but you're not going to be able to fix them. You could call all of your exes ugly and disgusting and hateful but it actually won't change anything. She's looking for something from you that she actually cannot clearly identify and so she's reaching. This is probably where a lot of the conflict is stemming from. There is something missing within her that she is not yet fully aware of and that you can't see either and she's trying to fill that missing piece with you. But it's NOT a fit. This is where I see a lot of passive aggression rise up in people as well. I personally have zero patience for passive aggression but sometimes understand that people do it because they vaguely sense they want or need something but have not crystallized what that is so they behave this way hoping they'll get some kind of response that satisfies their need. Spoiler alert: it never works.

    Not a problem - that's something that can actually be resolved but she cannot resolve it with or through you. That's not to say that you can't have this relationship and that it can't transform into something healthier and more fulfilling, but you both have to do the work to make sure there's not a codependency here. If you're pushing HER to go through therapy then it may be useful for you to do the very same. A good therapist will be able to help you navigate your experience in the relationship and understand this woman in a way that she can't explain to you herself because you can't heal or help each other like this.

    So now the question is - what do you actually want to do here? And if she's not willing to get the professional help that she needs, are you willing to stay and get caught up in her undertow indefinitely?

    Again, not a judgement. If she says she wants space, give her a little time. What else can you do?
     
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  12. OP
    Ledig

    Ledig Newbie

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    Firstly, thank you for a insightful response, entertaining several perspectives in a koncise way.

    I think our conflicts (partly) stems from that she's trying express deep needs trough surface needs. And when I response to the surface needs it's good for a while, but it becomes never-ending - and not satisfying for her. Or for me. Now in hindsight I think she couldn't express her inner child's need in a constructive way (she could feel safe/and like some destructive behaviour from her exes towards others) - and felt that I couldn't sooth it. She was very neglected as a kid and lived trough som major abuse. Another need I can't identify - I might been wrong - is the need for being provocative. I have some underlying anger - and I have been shouting on her several times during heated arguments. (I regret this, and I already started to work on this). But she knows what makes me angry, and some times I think she did it on purpose. I can be totally wrong though.

    I already been to sessions with a psychotherapist regarding to this relationship. When it was pretty fresh we dealt with major jealousy issues from her side - and I wanted to learn how to cope with this and soothe it - without compromising too much with who I am and the fact that our cultures are completely different dating-wise. But, once again it couldn't be satisfied since we were touching the issue, but not the non-identified problem. And I will see a psychotherapist again because of this relationship.

    So now the question is - what do you actually want to do here? And if she's not willing to get the professional help that she needs, are you willing to stay and get caught up in her undertow indefinitely?
    It's still problematic. She thinks I've been abusive to her, and right after the break up I was actually thinking that I have been emotionally abusing her, and told her of course I have had some abusive behaviours, eg shouting, but I haven't been abusing her. Today when I read up on it and think a little bit clearer I very sure I didn't abuse her in any form. But during our breakup call she said she was happy, because the only way an abuser can change is to recognise it...wtf? So, for us to have a healthy relationship she needs to discern past traumas and have a more nuanced picture of me (based on other stuff as well), and I also need to change some ways. Otherwise, No. Living in a undertow like this it's throwing away my own life.

    Again, not a judgement. If she says she wants space, give her a little time. What else can you do?
    So, after the breakup I sent her a letter which she replied to that she needs total disconnect from me. But she called me just two days later and we had a constructive chat and she seemed a little bit more clearheaded, but I couldn't express myself freely without the risk of her having an anxiety attack. We ended on a good note and she left that communication canal open since then, and I sense that we could have a friendly platform if we are slowly building it. But, a major problem is that I sense, if I express my POV on matters that's she already decided on is the way she think it is, could make her spiral. Do you have any intuitively ideas on how to overcome this obstacle?
     
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  13. OP
    Ledig

    Ledig Newbie

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    Thanks. You are correct.
     
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  14. OP
    Ledig

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    Could be. I never had any expectations for her to change for me, and she know's that. I never pushed her to get some help, I suggested it and used myself as an example how it can be helpful to just have someone to talk to.

    But maybe she is thinking like that, and I do think that she was thinking like she was never enough for me - she compared my love for my grandmother with my love for her.
     
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  15. OP
    Ledig

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    The harassment och legal trouble ain't no risk. But I get you on the other parts.
     
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  16. SpecialEdition

    SpecialEdition THANKS RUG

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    To answer your question, you can't.

    She has some things that she needs to work through independently and it's clear she should be seeking some therapy of her own. If she isn't committed to addressing these underlying issues they are going to come up time and time again and guaranteed over time the way these issues get expressed will be increasingly problematic.

    I think you have to keep space from this person, sorry to say.
     
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