A week or so ago I told my ex that she should seek psychiatric help - her response was to end the call and go radio silence on me for one week. Then she contacted my brother and told him that she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore; "he will hurt me."
She's pretty isolated. Permitted from her job, in a country where there is ongoing lockdown without family or close friends. She's already prone to be a bit paranoid but the last month it got to the extreme like calling the ambulance for a small wound, thinking she's gonna die. When I suggested she should seek psychiatric help she told me that I lost all confidence in her, I also proposed earlier for her to seek a psychotherapist, and she did. She was recommended to actually see a psychiatrist, and she started anti-depression medication that makes her feel awful during the first weeks.
We were in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years. Talking online for 5 years. During the relationship, we spent more time together than not. We did a lot together, and are very well synchronized.
So, I called her after she messaged my brother. And she told me she needed space, to heal and find back to her self. And that we could end up together again if it's meant to be. Well, for me that's generic words. I wanted to clarify what space needs. She now told me that she doesn't want to see me with someone else. And we ended the call with "I hope we can be friends". All those lines are for me very undermined, and cheap to say to someone you break up with - and just a week before told that she loves and feels safe that she will be happy when she moves to my country. Even more, she also entertained the theory that I've been emotionally abusing her. There have been some instances where I've been heated up and shouted on her, but I've not abused her. Like I don't feel she's been abusing me when she threw things on the floor and shouting. So I started to apologize for so many things. A couple of days later, she blocked me on Instagram and unfollowed me and ignored me on Messenger. I sent her lengthy letter were I apologized concisely on things I really feel I need to apologize for, very specific, and to the point. And brought up some of her insecurities I realized was so big;
She took many jokes very personally even if it didn't have at all to do with her and craves great twisting of words to even be able to take them personally. And she also always asked if she's better looking than my exes and so on. In the beginning, it was cute, but sometimes I couldn't withhold my irritation and gave a sarcastic response instead - I think she internalized all this and believed I saw her in the same negative light as she sees her self.
To be honest the last weeks I have been pretty unresponsive to her messages and first, now I can see how much she craved for affection, which sadly didn't reply to.
She ended up calling me a couple of days after I sent her the letter. And she apologized as well "for everything", and for the first time in a long time, we could have a conversation that was constructive without her (reoccurring problem) misjudged what I was saying/putting extra words to what I was saying. And she realized her "mistakes" as well and started to cry when I told her specifically that I've been repeating this stuff. She told me that I have a big ego, lack of empathy, and are controlling. The ego thing is that I sometimes see where she's coming from when she wants reassurance by asking "am I hotter than her?", but eventually I feel like she doesn't trust that I find her as the best woman in the world and I'm not giving it to her. About being empathetic - she wants me to take care of her when she comes home from her job. And controlling that I "was opposed" to her going on vacation, when I just told her it's not realistic for her to go both on a vacation, and us going later on. I ended that call before she wanted to end, I was afraid she's gonna spiral down and me not be able to "just listen", I told her we can maybe continue it another time.
She told me she stated her needs clearly - many times she did it, but many times she did it very passive-aggressively. Sometimes I picked up on that, but many times I missed it as well. But I don't really think she lifted the roots - all from she's feeling very very bad, and expecting me to know that, or her being ambivalent about our stated future (with her moving, kids, and so on), despite being outwardly sure about it.
Despite all of these things - I feel and think we had a good relationship, and that she also thinks and feels that. During our call, she said many, many things that go to the direction of selective memory. It seems like she forgot everything that opposes all the stuff she told me.
I dreamt about her this night. It was tough. And I'm dumbfounded. We still have communication lines open, first, she told me that she needed to disconnect complete from me, but called me a day later. And I feel like she wants me to contact her. But this is hurting me. And that generic stuff she told me makes a part of me feel like she's just a woman amongst many. Makes me think if I should contact her family and wish them well in the future - and I feel like the pain she accumulated throughout life with me, and that she's painting a completely bad picture of me - and that I just accepted all the bad things she told about me and apologized - for everything I didn't do and did do.
I still love her, and right now I want to pave a road to a chance of reconciling in the future (but maybe I don't want it then). I've been lurking around and read that many INFJ's never look back, but many reconcile with exes. I still fantasize about scenarios in the future and they make me smile, but at the same time I feel calm and realistic, and sometimes angry on her, and myself - for those things I accepted but didn't agree on.
So basically. I don't know what to do. I don't want across as intruding when she said she needs to disconnect, but I also feel like she wants to talk and I care about her. But, at the same time, I don't want to end up talking to her if she can't see my side of it, and those thoughts make me want to forget her and cut out her of my life. Especially when I think about the generic lines she told me - even if that's the easiest way, especially when you are in pain. I think she didn't really broke up with me in her heart - and I would like to have some insight on how to proceed with the situation.
And I think she's deeply in a Ni-Ti loop ( maybe not, I'm not so well-read about that)
Please, don't assume things because I left out a lot.
She's pretty isolated. Permitted from her job, in a country where there is ongoing lockdown without family or close friends. She's already prone to be a bit paranoid but the last month it got to the extreme like calling the ambulance for a small wound, thinking she's gonna die. When I suggested she should seek psychiatric help she told me that I lost all confidence in her, I also proposed earlier for her to seek a psychotherapist, and she did. She was recommended to actually see a psychiatrist, and she started anti-depression medication that makes her feel awful during the first weeks.
We were in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years. Talking online for 5 years. During the relationship, we spent more time together than not. We did a lot together, and are very well synchronized.
So, I called her after she messaged my brother. And she told me she needed space, to heal and find back to her self. And that we could end up together again if it's meant to be. Well, for me that's generic words. I wanted to clarify what space needs. She now told me that she doesn't want to see me with someone else. And we ended the call with "I hope we can be friends". All those lines are for me very undermined, and cheap to say to someone you break up with - and just a week before told that she loves and feels safe that she will be happy when she moves to my country. Even more, she also entertained the theory that I've been emotionally abusing her. There have been some instances where I've been heated up and shouted on her, but I've not abused her. Like I don't feel she's been abusing me when she threw things on the floor and shouting. So I started to apologize for so many things. A couple of days later, she blocked me on Instagram and unfollowed me and ignored me on Messenger. I sent her lengthy letter were I apologized concisely on things I really feel I need to apologize for, very specific, and to the point. And brought up some of her insecurities I realized was so big;
She took many jokes very personally even if it didn't have at all to do with her and craves great twisting of words to even be able to take them personally. And she also always asked if she's better looking than my exes and so on. In the beginning, it was cute, but sometimes I couldn't withhold my irritation and gave a sarcastic response instead - I think she internalized all this and believed I saw her in the same negative light as she sees her self.
To be honest the last weeks I have been pretty unresponsive to her messages and first, now I can see how much she craved for affection, which sadly didn't reply to.
She ended up calling me a couple of days after I sent her the letter. And she apologized as well "for everything", and for the first time in a long time, we could have a conversation that was constructive without her (reoccurring problem) misjudged what I was saying/putting extra words to what I was saying. And she realized her "mistakes" as well and started to cry when I told her specifically that I've been repeating this stuff. She told me that I have a big ego, lack of empathy, and are controlling. The ego thing is that I sometimes see where she's coming from when she wants reassurance by asking "am I hotter than her?", but eventually I feel like she doesn't trust that I find her as the best woman in the world and I'm not giving it to her. About being empathetic - she wants me to take care of her when she comes home from her job. And controlling that I "was opposed" to her going on vacation, when I just told her it's not realistic for her to go both on a vacation, and us going later on. I ended that call before she wanted to end, I was afraid she's gonna spiral down and me not be able to "just listen", I told her we can maybe continue it another time.
She told me she stated her needs clearly - many times she did it, but many times she did it very passive-aggressively. Sometimes I picked up on that, but many times I missed it as well. But I don't really think she lifted the roots - all from she's feeling very very bad, and expecting me to know that, or her being ambivalent about our stated future (with her moving, kids, and so on), despite being outwardly sure about it.
Despite all of these things - I feel and think we had a good relationship, and that she also thinks and feels that. During our call, she said many, many things that go to the direction of selective memory. It seems like she forgot everything that opposes all the stuff she told me.
I dreamt about her this night. It was tough. And I'm dumbfounded. We still have communication lines open, first, she told me that she needed to disconnect complete from me, but called me a day later. And I feel like she wants me to contact her. But this is hurting me. And that generic stuff she told me makes a part of me feel like she's just a woman amongst many. Makes me think if I should contact her family and wish them well in the future - and I feel like the pain she accumulated throughout life with me, and that she's painting a completely bad picture of me - and that I just accepted all the bad things she told about me and apologized - for everything I didn't do and did do.
I still love her, and right now I want to pave a road to a chance of reconciling in the future (but maybe I don't want it then). I've been lurking around and read that many INFJ's never look back, but many reconcile with exes. I still fantasize about scenarios in the future and they make me smile, but at the same time I feel calm and realistic, and sometimes angry on her, and myself - for those things I accepted but didn't agree on.
So basically. I don't know what to do. I don't want across as intruding when she said she needs to disconnect, but I also feel like she wants to talk and I care about her. But, at the same time, I don't want to end up talking to her if she can't see my side of it, and those thoughts make me want to forget her and cut out her of my life. Especially when I think about the generic lines she told me - even if that's the easiest way, especially when you are in pain. I think she didn't really broke up with me in her heart - and I would like to have some insight on how to proceed with the situation.
And I think she's deeply in a Ni-Ti loop ( maybe not, I'm not so well-read about that)
Please, don't assume things because I left out a lot.
