INFj: Dealing with extreme introversion. | INFJ Forum

INFj: Dealing with extreme introversion.

somethingpancake

somethingpancake

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Aug 4, 2013
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Hey Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you would be so kind as to share some of your personal stories and advice in regards to dealing with the social networking aspect of life as an overly introverted individual. I really want to get out there and succeed at the things I love(who doesn't?), but there's this pretty heavy anchor holding me down... and it seems to be getting heavier. You see, it's not that I don't have the necessary drive and passion to keep myself motivated, in fact, i'd say i'm motivated 90% of the time.

Starting something fresh is a thrilling rush. There's nothing better. I'm always up to something new and different and love to launch new projects. The problem is none of them every get completed... ever. It seems that all the built up focus and motivation begins fading away around week 3 or 4, depending on the project. I also believe to understand why.

You see, I know that when it comes time to really put things into action, which means networking with other real human beings face to face... I automatically lock up, chicken out and break down. As an extreme introvert, i'm only truly confident, centered and entirely comfortable being myself when secluded from the outside world. When it comes to brainstorming and sharing, I can deal with 1 or 2 people if I trust and know them very well. But physically going out and meeting strangers to verbally interact? No way. To me, it's like taking a trip to Mars. I would need days of mental preparation in order to step foot outside my door, and even then, it doesn't mean i'll perform. I'm the quiet type, you know, the guy who hates parties, bars and clubs. I'm the guy who's tortured by small talk, and I have a really hard time hiding it.

So, how am I supposed to network?

You need to know how to network to succeed in this world. You need to be able to start something and finish it if you ever want to get anywhere in life. You need to be social, and unfortunately i'm not.

Help. :confused:
 
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No way to get better at something other than practice. Face to face interactions make you nervous? They probably still will in five years if you don't "get out" more.

Ultimately, you just have to swallow the uncomfortableness, and practice. It gets easier over time, trust me. Also, if you have good friends, don't be afraid to ask for advice (on how you come across, how to better present yourself, etc.)

TL;DR - Best way to get better at something is to do it more often (regardless of how uncomfortable you are.)
 
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^^^what [MENTION=2240]rawr[/MENTION] said

i would consider myself an extreme introvert and i understand where you’re coming from... i’m actually a rather good salesperson... i had a very lucrative career in sales which taught me a lot about the social aspects of networking and such... when i was selling people would call me out as an extrovert... it can be done, but it will be hard at first... the good news is you will learn a new skill that can help you immensely in this godforsaken extrovert-y world we live in...

some random thoughts...

*you have to put on your extrovert hat... you have one but you just have to practice wearing it... just do it... don’t think about it... it will be awkward at first but EVERYONE starts that way... even extroverts...

*introverts that can do the above have the wonderful advantage of being perceived as genuine... people do pick up on this and get excited about what you have to offer... you’d be surprised by the “breath of fresh air” you will come across as...

*it will be emotionally draining, so pace yourself... start with small goals... but do something everyday to get you out of your element...

*is there someone who has done what you’re trying to do that you admire? give them a call and ask for advice... you’d be surprised (or not) on how much people like to talk about themselves... and how they would be willing to help!

*is there a friend that you can recruit? try not to go alone at first... anyone will do... even mom :)

*i don’t know what your project is... but is there something you can hand out... a flyer... cd... business card... this will give you something to talk about and get the conversation rolling as well as something the person can take to find you later...

it sounds as like you’re promoting something you’re passionate about... that in itself is a gift... not too many people are able to have ideas and watch them grow!! take pride in your ideas but don’t take things too seriously either... someone is going to tell you your idea sucks... some people will think your a fucking weirdo... it’s just a game of odds in the end but you will find people who will support you if you keep at it :)

good luck!!
 
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You are only as strong as your weakest link. I'd say put your projects aside for a while, and focus on improving your people skills. Practice going outside for a walk. Even just getting outside of your doorstep is good for starters, as it is a big challenge. Don't challenge yourself too much. Try to find the right level of challenge each time. Go shop for groceries and whatnot. Train yourself to communicate, starting at the most basic levels, such as "How much for the tomatos?" for example.

This might sound stupid. But i went through the same thing. After a long time of very powerful depression i couldn't even walk out of my door. Just the thought of stepping out was as frightening as going to war against Nazi Germany all by myself.

Step by step, i learned all over again how to move, and how to communicate.

Once you start being well practiced in sharing space with others, and communicating, you will be able to combine these skills with your project skills and the networking will almost be created by itself.
 
The anchor is your mind; the rope, your connection between where you are and where you want to be. Pull up the anchor, let the boat drift a bit if heading in a favorable direction in calm seas, and let the anchor back down awhile. Continue this until you learn sometimes one must steer the boat to get where one is going. What appears to be rough seas may actually be a gateway to your wishes. If the seas get really bad, return to port and refuel. Happy sailing.
 
I appreciate you guys taking the time to share your thoughts and drop some advice (especially the Friday reference lol). You're all right. I just need to stop over-analyzing everything and start moving forward.
 
just me said:
The anchor is your mind; the rope, your connection between where you are and where you want to be. Pull up the anchor, let the boat drift a bit if heading in a favorable direction in calm seas, and let the anchor back down awhile. Continue this until you learn sometimes one must steer the boat to get where one is going. What appears to be rough seas may actually be a gateway to your wishes. If the seas get really bad, return to port and refuel. Happy sailing.
Click to expand...

WE'RE MOVING TO FAST, ABANDON SHIP!
 
[video=youtube_share;0uVrN3PJ7lE]http://youtu.be/0uVrN3PJ7lE[/video]
 
Join a monastery where the monks are not allowed to talk most of the time, or make eye contact!


Seriously, if I could run meetings where, instead of having to talk face-to face, we could sit side-by-side while looking out the window, I wouldn't be so flipping tired in the evening.
 
Dom Marx Lapalme said:
I appreciate you guys taking the time to share your thoughts and drop some advice (especially the Friday reference lol). You're all right. I just need to stop over-analyzing everything and start moving forward.
Click to expand...

Step by step. Remember that every process takes it's time.
 
I used to be afraid to leave my own house because my anxiety over it was so strong. I often found that the idea of going out and meeting people was scarier than the action of actually doing it. The idea is to just leave home and interact, even if you talk to someone at a cash register. I used to practice by taking the busy line at the grocery store and observing what people bought. If I saw something that I thought I might be interested in I'd remark "I thought about buying those, but wasn't sure how they'd be. Have you had them before?" You'd be surprised and how much of a conversation you can have if you're willing to ask a simple question. People LOVE giving their opinions. People LOVE sharing their experiences. People LOVE talking about themselves.

Don't even worry about what you have to say or do - just ask follow up questions and people will open up in no time and it can very often be a positive and rewarding experience for you both. I had to start out small like that and the more I did it the more I saw how people reacted to me and it gave me the confidence to speak out more.

As a few people used to always tell me, socializing and getting over those fears is like working a muscle. You have to work it out.
 
Hi guys. I just want to say thanks again for all your help and advice.

I was actually starting believe I might be an aspie before discovering mbti . It can be quite confusing at times when personality traits end up mixing in with unrelated personal issues. It can easily lead someone to believe they have something they don't, like Asperger's Syndrome.

Personally, I have a very low self-esteem and somewhat of an inferiority complex(to the point I sometimes feel worthless), which has translated to an ongoing depression and extreme shyness. I wasn't this shy in high-school, although I was the least outgoing person in my group of friends and acquaintances. I could and still can go out to restaurants, shops, parks, trips, etc. I can also talk with strangers, it's just that after about 1 minute... I've had enough. Unless it's something I find interesting! Then I can ramble on for hours on end! lol. I always thought it was weird I never eventually grew into becoming extroverted and comfortable with constant social interaction like everyone else. This was the first major sign that made me believe something was definitely "wrong" with me. Why did I seem "cold" and disconnected in conversations most of the time? Why wasn't I interested in small talk like everyone else? Why don't I want to go to the club or the bar every weekend? Why was I petrified of being in large groups and feared being put on the spot? I should love to be the centre of attention! Who doesn't? I must be crazy!

I also feel so constantly self-conscious about how I look, move, walk, talk and come off to the world around me that it's forced me into this box I can't escape. Add this to the fact that I can't attend parties or hang out with friends without having to leave shortly after to "recharge" and voila... "I must have Asperger's Syndrome". The only thing is that I love looking into the eyes of others when I speak to them, I love emotionally connecting with them, and I understand humour, sarcasm and social cues, which they say Aspies have a hard time doing. I'm also not really sensitive to things like touch and light, except maybe the sun at this point from being inside so much. :)

I definitely have major issues I need to work out, but i'm so glad I learned about MBTI being an INFj. It's injected some sense to this crazy world of mine. I'm also super stoked to have found you guys and this place!
 
Dom Marx Lapalme said:
Hi guys. I just want to say thanks again for all your help and advice.

I was actually starting believe I might be an aspie before discovering mbti . It can be quite confusing at times when personality traits end up mixing in with unrelated personal issues. It can easily lead someone to believe they have something they don't, like Asperger's Syndrome.

Personally, I have a very low self-esteem and somewhat of an inferiority complex(to the point I sometimes feel worthless), which has translated to an ongoing depression and extreme shyness. I wasn't this shy in high-school, although I was the least outgoing person in my group of friends and acquaintances. I could and still can go out to restaurants, shops, parks, trips, etc. I can also talk with strangers, it's just that after about 1 minute... I've had enough. Unless it's something I find interesting! Then I can ramble on for hours on end! lol. I always thought it was weird I never eventually grew into becoming extroverted and comfortable with constant social interaction like everyone else. This was the first major sign that made me believe something was definitely "wrong" with me. Why did I seem "cold" and disconnected in conversations most of the time? Why wasn't I interested in small talk like everyone else? Why don't I want to go to the club or the bar every weekend? Why was I petrified of being in large groups and feared being put on the spot? I should love to be the centre of attention! Who doesn't? I must be crazy!

I also feel so constantly self-conscious about how I look, move, walk, talk and come off to the world around me that it's forced me into this box I can't escape. Add this to the fact that I can't attend parties or hang out with friends without having to leave shortly after to "recharge" and voila... "I must have Asperger's Syndrome". The only thing is that I love looking into the eyes of others when I speak to them, I love emotionally connecting with them, and I understand humour, sarcasm and social cues, which they say Aspies have a hard time doing. I'm also not really sensitive to things like touch and light, except maybe the sun at this point from being inside so much. :)

I definitely have major issues I need to work out, but i'm so glad I learned about MBTI being an INFj. It's injected some sense to this crazy world of mine. I'm also super stoked to have found you guys and this place!
Click to expand...

Your insights and your honesty will be a great addition to this forum, no doubt. You're pretty cool :)

One thing i'd like to add though -
I can also talk with strangers, it's just that after about 1 minute... I've had enough. Unless it's something I find interesting! Then I can ramble on for hours on end!
Click to expand...
^This means you either have low regard for people's emotion, or low self control, or both. I've had both so i know this is probably the case here.
 
Dom Marx Lapalme said:
Hey Everyone,

I was wondering if some of you would be so kind as to share some of your personal stories and advice in regards to dealing with the social networking aspect of life as an overly introverted individual. I really want to get out there and succeed at the things I love(who doesn't?), but there's this pretty heavy anchor holding me down... and it seems to be getting heavier. You see, it's not that I don't have the necessary drive and passion to keep myself motivated, in fact, i'd say i'm motivated 90% of the time.

Starting something fresh is a thrilling rush. There's nothing better. I'm always up to something new and different and love to launch new projects. The problem is none of them every get completed... ever. It seems that all the built up focus and motivation begins fading away around week 3 or 4, depending on the project. I also believe to understand why.

You see, I know that when it comes time to really put things into action, which means networking with other real human beings face to face... I automatically lock up, chicken out and break down. As an extreme introvert, i'm only truly confident, centered and entirely comfortable being myself when secluded from the outside world. When it comes to brainstorming and sharing, I can deal with 1 or 2 people if I trust and know them very well. But physically going out and meeting strangers to verbally interact? No way. To me, it's like taking a trip to Mars. I would need days of mental preparation in order to step foot outside my door, and even then, it doesn't mean i'll perform. I'm the quiet type, you know, the guy who hates parties, bars and clubs. I'm the guy who's tortured by small talk, and I have a really hard time hiding it.

So, how am I supposed to network?

You need to know how to network to succeed in this world. You need to be able to start something and finish it if you ever want to get anywhere in life. You need to be social, and unfortunately i'm not.

Help. :confused:
Click to expand...

This is only opinion. Theres only one way you can learn how to swim... So my suggestion is this. I assume you are old enough to drink. Find a crowed bar in your area. One maybe that has TVs and go. Then just be yourself. Your non-talking self other than to order drinks etc... Go a couple times a week. Yeah you dont like that scene but I guarantee you that with time, you become more relaxed around people in general. Notice how I didnt say you would find friends there?

Oh...and get yourself a nice leather jacket for when you are out. Seriously.
 
When I was younger before I knew what introversion was, meant, and how it affected me and my life I went to work in a restaurant and bar. Oh my, I worked in this environment throughout high school and through most of my college years. I learned so much about socializing in those years. I started out working in the kitchen, my kind of place, I didn't have to talk to anyone except the cook. Then they had me busing tables, which put me out on the dining room floor, which freaked me out but I got used to it. Then a waitress didn't show up one day and well, I became a waitress and actually had to talk to people. I couldn't even describe the level of fear I had. I quickly learned that no one and I mean no one cared how terrified I was, looked, or felt; the only thing people cared about was whether or not they got their food. This was my initiation into the land of extroversion and it worked really well largely in part because people cared so little about what was going on with me in my little introverted mind because they were too busy. I learned so much about socializing in those years and the skills I learned I ended up using for the rest of my life.

The other posters are right, it's practice and it's baby steps.

If I had to it all over again I'm not sure I would have pushed myself so hard to indoctrinate myself into an extroverted world. It took years for me to learn all of those skills, which served me well, but in reality it really isn't me. I spent a good part of my life learning to fit into a world that expects and rewards extroverted behavior, but now I'm creating a world that fits my introverted self. There are still social expectations I have to do that are beyond draining to me and if I didn't have those experiences when I was younger and developed those skills I probably wouldn't be able to do some of the things I need to do now.

I dunno, maybe it's more about finding things in life that work for you rather than trying to fit yourself into things that don't work for you. I guess it depends on what you want. I mean if you want to be more extroverted than you'll have to take the baby steps to learn the skills to develop the confidence, or you could just be yourself and build your world around who you are rather than who you aren't. Maybe I'm talking to myself here; this is advice I wish someone would have given me years ago. I'm starting to ramble. Maybe my little biography will help, I have no idea. Good luck.
 
Hey Guys,

Sorry for the late response.
[MENTION=8603]Eventhorizon[/MENTION]: I am old enough and i'll give that a try. Bars aren't so bad I guess, but clubs are a form of torture!
[MENTION=5224]Sadie[/MENTION]: I'm still trying to figure out which path to take. I mean, we are in an extroverted world, so I guess conforming to some extent is necessary. My vision of a perfect environment or "life" would be being able to share my experiences and thoughts(no matter how deep or unconventional) with someone who understands me and my infj personality, which has been a rare find so far. Also, a creative job(has to be creative...I can't do construction like 90% of my friends) where I feel comfortable and in my element, accompanied by a small team of layed-back, innovative people. I'm realizing that I have to learn to be more extroverted in order to achieve this, or else i'll just be stuck in the same spot forever. Your advice is really appreciated, trust me. Most of my friends would just tell me to stop being weird if I were to ever share this with them.

Thanks again to EVERYONE.
 
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I dont believe there is a quick cure. Only steps forward and things become easier with time. Its a matter of making the attempt and staying with it. All just opinion on my part though. Good luck.
 
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