"INFJ Dating Bible Or How to Date an INFJ"

[Gaze]

Agree or disagree?

[h=1]May 24, 2011http://modalitiesofexistence.com/2011/05/24/infj-dating-bible-or-how-to-date-an-infj/ · by EB · in Favourites, Personal, Writing. ·[/h]INFJs are, by definition, rare, reserved, and unlikely to initiate anything, which means that many of them can end up alone and misunderstood. To help with things, I’ve compiled a list of points which I think would be of great use to anyone considering dating someone who identifies as an INFJ.

• For most INFJs, omitting or distorting information is equivalent to lying, and at the very least will rouse their suspicion. INFJs have an acute sensitivity for stories which don’t quite fit. At the same time, INFJs also like to assume the best and can be extremely gullible.
• INFJs are adept at nonverbal communication (eye gaze, touching, body language, etc.). Just because they’re not speaking doesn’t mean they’re not saying something.
• INFJs have an extremely complex internal value system. An INFJ will see if you ‘fit’ into their world, and they’ll bend their own rules if they really like you. INFJs tend to have very high standards, but are also very accepting once they trust you and know you’re safe.
• INFJs can be pretty intense emotionally. This isn’t to say that they can get into a heated argument, in fact INFJs avoid conflict, however they are easily hurt and feel very deeply. It’s not uncommon for INFJs to cry if they feel something very deeply.
• INFJs are weird / odd / strange / extremely rare and they very much know it. They yearn to be understood and want to be accepted as they are (as most people do, of course). An INFJ is incredibly complex, so complex they confuse even themselves. They almost always feel misunderstood and ‘hidden’. They will be offended if you pass them off as ‘simple’ or ‘average’. Getting to know an INFJ takes work, so be prepared for that. A lot of gentle enquiry is required.
• INFJs can often mimic other types.
• INFJs are typically better in writing than in verbal communication. If you want to know an INFJ’s true feelings, ask them to write out what they think and feel.
• INFJs don’t typically engage in casual relationships. Most of them will become too attached for it to be possible. If your intentions aren’t serious then you should probably steer clear of an INFJ unless it’s very obvious beforehand that they aren’t interested in a serious relationship.
• An INFJ’s allegiance is no trifle. If an INFJ wants to stick by you, it means they really like you. Do not violate that gift.
• INFJs consciously choose the people that are close to them. They would rather have a few very close friendships as opposed to numerous superficial ones.
• They open up at a dinosauric pace. They typically hold themselves back and consider that behaviour to be part of their nature. They’ve been described as having ‘layers’ which only a select few people are privy to, the closer the layer to their heart, the fewer people are granted access. Do not expect to find yourself in the ‘top tier’ overnight. It often takes months or years to access the deepest recesses.
• INFJs, like other idealists, love harmony. While an INFJ is relatively adept at conflict resolution, they do not appreciate the unneeded creation of conflict. An INFJ will strive for harmony.
• The ‘N’ combined with the ‘J’ in INFJ means that they are future oriented. Do everything you can to make yourself seem like a long-term option. If you become destructively impulsive, an INFJ will lose the ability to see you as a long-term mate, and will become unhappy as a result. INFJs are future-oriented and have powerful imaginations and superb insight.
• INFJs are extremely sensitive. Make sure that criticism is handed as lightly as possible and constructively. At the same time, INFJs love to please their partner, and will work on an issue if presented in the right way. When to be blunt with an INFJ: never. Be honest and direct, but there’s a fine line between direct and insensitive.
• INFJs love helping people. If you’re bad at accepting help (yes, accepting help is a skill), then get ready to have problems. To reject an INFJ’s help is to reject their love, and one of the things they hold nearest to their hearts.
• An INFJ’s ability to help people goes hand-in-hand with their ability to destroy people. Their keen knowledge of people’s weaknessess means they can either help you incredibly or destroy you, however the latter is extremely rare and is only reserved for people they believe have done serious harm to them or others.
• They need patience but they give patience in return.
• They’re curious about other people. To their friends, they are very accepting. However, the closer one gets to an INFJ’s heart, the more their standards will apply to the other person, which can sometimes create issues.
• They often have darker periods where they close up. They can become monk-like and reclusive. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you, it just means they need to recharge.
• They can be stubborn once they believe they’re in the right, especially if it has to do with their values.
• INFJs hardly ever initiate anything. They like it when the other person initiates a conversation, contact, etc.
• INFJs need 2 things to thrive: trust and safety. Trusting you is about knowing that you’re ethically and morally upstanding (or at least in accordance with their values), and feeling safe is knowing that you’ll stick by them. INFJs don’t want to open up to people who might disappear overnight. If an INFJ feels they can trust you and feels safe with you, they’ll be very happy. The only added bonus is to tell them how much you appreciate them.
• Their energy drains when around others. They will need time alone to ‘feel like themselves’.
• Your energy will easily affect them. If you seem unstable, etc., it will seep into them and poison them. It has often been said that an INFJ’s partner has to be strong, and this is generally true.
• INFJs live in a world of fantasy. They can have problems consolidating their idealism with the reality of the world.

[h=1]HTTP://MODALITIESOFEXISTENCE.COM/2011/05/24/INFJ-DATING-BIBLE-OR-HOW-TO-DATE-AN-INFJ[/h]

 

[Mary Shelley]

I saw this one some time ago and most of it applies directly to me. The way the author arrived at this may or may not actually be accurate, though.

 

[subwayrider]

Most of it seems spot-on.

I'm pretty tired of the online typology community's collective worship of INFJs, though.

*vomits*

 

[CindyLou]

oh really? I need to become more involved in those communities.

 

[subwayrider]

oh really? I need to become more involved in those communities.

Lol, that's a funny observation, and I see what you mean.

I guess the community just loves the idea of INFJs, but when they actually meet one, it's like "meh." Or maybe the hype and reception are consistent with each other only when the person is incredibly good-looking, or something. A lot of the INFJ guys on these forums, for instance, would be considered unattractive, anti-social losers per mainstream Western values.

It reminds me of how fired up the Jews were about the arrival of the Messiah, and, when he finally came, because he didn't conform to narrow preconceptions, he was disowned by very many. This is per The Holy Bible.

Sorry, INFJ guys...

 

[Mary Shelley]

A lot of the INFJ guys on these forums, for instance, would be considered unattractive, anti-social losers per mainstream Western values.

This does not reflect my view of INFJ guys on this forum.

 

[subwayrider]

This does not reflect my view of INFJ guys on this forum.

If you're trying to pay me some kind of subtle compliment, thank you.

But you're a -- albeit significantly less, as a female -- marginalized INFJ yourself, so it's not the same.

 

[Mary Shelley]

If you're trying to pay me some kind of subtle compliment, thank you.

But you're a -- albeit significantly less, as a female -- marginalized INFJ yourself, so it's not the same.

I didn't know you were male, don't think you're INFJ, and have no idea what you look like.

And I'm pretty sure my opinion still counts at least as much as yours does.

 

[wonkavision]

Excellent list. Seems accurate for INFJ.

Or at least it's a very accurate description of me, anyway.

 

[the]

This applies to most everybody.

 

[the]

.A lot of the INFJ guys on these forums, for instance, would be considered unattractive, anti-social losers per mainstream Western values..

What is it about eastern values that would make them attractive?

 

[the]

If you're trying to pay me some kind of subtle compliment, thank you.

But you're a -- albeit significantly less, as a female -- marginalized INFJ yourself, so it's not the same.

@sentientsixpence yeah check your privilege!

 

[sassafras]

This applies to most everybody.

Actually, most F-types. This list applies to INFPs and ISFPs especially well.

The person who wrote this list is a self-identified INFJ and he wrote this list from his own experiences, but I'm always very hesitant to use anything as a typology bible when theory is heavily wrapped up in a person's own biases. It could very well be that he IS an INFJ, but when you skim over the entries in his blog, a type of Fi is a very strong possibility as well.

 

[subwayrider]

What is it about eastern values that would make them attractive?

Apparently, they value shy, quiet people. You can ask some of the Asian members for more detail.

 

[subwayrider]

I didn't know you were male, don't think you're INFJ, and have no idea what you look like.

And I'm pretty sure my opinion still counts at least as much as yours does.

I just got called out!

I'll have to revive my witch trials thread...

 

[Gaze]

wow, apparently, yes it fits, no it doesn't or A fits but B doesn't is not an adequate response to a thread question anymore. lol

 

[Trifoilum]

Lol, that's a funny observation, and I see what you mean.

I guess the community just loves the idea of INFJs, but when they actually meet one, it's like "meh." Or maybe the hype and reception are consistent with each other only when the person is incredibly good-looking, or something. A lot of the INFJ guys on these forums, for instance, would be considered unattractive, anti-social losers per mainstream Western values.

It reminds me of how fired up the Jews were about the arrival of the Messiah, and, when he finally came, because he didn't conform to narrow preconceptions, he was disowned by very many. This is per The Holy Bible.

Sorry, INFJ guys...

That is a decisively specific grouping, whoa.

I can see what you are talking but STILL. In itself a stereotype if I ever see one.

also, I agreed with [MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]. As much as this-- PROBABLY fits (at least I myself agreed?), the way it fits (a standard / conception of) an INFJ is-- mostly, the phrasing.
The content of the message is pretty much universal-- almost shotgun in nature.

 

[subwayrider]

That is a decisively specific grouping, whoa.

I can see what you are talking but STILL. In itself a stereotype if I ever see one.

also, I agreed with [MENTION=731]the[/MENTION]. As much as this-- PROBABLY fits (at least I myself agreed?), the way it fits (a standard / conception of) an INFJ is-- mostly, the phrasing.
The content of the message is pretty much universal-- almost shotgun in nature.

I don't know if I understand what you're saying, but I'll try to address it...

I'm speaking in generalizations, approximations. If it's even 60% true, then I accomplished what I set out to do. I'm just musing on patterns.

Done.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

I'm not reading a list of rules. Get over yourself.

Here are my rules:

• Fuck yo rules

 

[subwayrider]

I'm not reading a list of rules. Get over yourself.

Here are my rules:

• Fuck yo rules

For the first time in my biological life...I agree with o_q.