Hi INFJs!
I'm an ENFP, and in typical ENFP have fallen head over heels for an INFJ boy. We met about four months ago online, hooked up and we had a lovely time. A month in or so before I asked where this was heading, he said he liked me but its better for him to see how things go - rushing never worked well for him (also he came out of a 10 year relationship about 2 years ago)
2 months in an he gets offered a job in another city miles away. I get upset, because he doesn't seem to know what to do. He really enjoys being with me but can't bring himself to commit 100% and he doesn't know if its 1. Whether it's me or 2. The unsettling circumstances knowing that he will be leaving in a few months. His head goes back and forth all the time, telling him it's right, other times to step back. He doesn't know if things would work out, he doesn't want to hurt me and he really doesn't know what he wants. Hence for now the best he can be for me is a friend. Sex has all but gone, because I don't think he's comfortable hooking up at this stage. However, I still stay over and at his and snuggle couple of times a week, we text all the time, and kiss each other hello and goodbye and he has his arms around me when we go out. Its like an awkward strange sort of undefined relationship. We go on holiday and it's brilliant, but when it comes back, sometimes I sense a little distance again. He tells me all about his friends, but I've never met them. However his family is visiting and he says I can see them.. if I want to.
This goes on for a month or so, and it forces me into asking him what our status is, and whether he wants me to follow him to this new city, or are we just ending it when he leaves. And not surprisingly - He replies with this "That's a really good question but somewhat difficult. I mean I wish I could answer this with any sort of conviction and clear understanding. You've seen that i don't thrive particularly well under uncertainty. Or, I should say parts of me don't thrive well in those circumstances. In a way I like putting myself under these type of situations because I feel proud at clawing myself out and figuring how to make things work. But is not conducive for building stability which is a pre-requisite for relationships. What I'm trying to say is that its very difficult for me to say what will happen. I wish it wasn't this way, but I know myself and I don't want to say and promise things that I don't know for certainty That said I'm happy to give it a try if you want to come to New York and we can see if things work out from there. I know this is a bit vague, and not like a clear "this is what will happen" but I just want to be as honest and realistic as possible."
I asked him if he was happy hanging out with me as a person "Yeah I think it was very nice. I think we get along really well and I like that its very straightforward and easy spending time with you."
(uh, it sounds more like a friend thing!?)
Am I being a fool in wanting to move to another country to see how things work out with him? I really really like him, but I honestly don't know if he's just not really into me at all.... and how long I should be dithering around just letting him set the pace, and waiting
He said he will go to NYC and get his bearings before letting me know when is good to come over. I'm just scared as well he's going to go over, and think that me joining him is a terrible idea...
Thank you so much for having read through all of this! I know it's long! I will really appreciate any insights and happy to answer any questions or in someway help anyone if I can as well.
I'm an ENFP, and in typical ENFP have fallen head over heels for an INFJ boy. We met about four months ago online, hooked up and we had a lovely time. A month in or so before I asked where this was heading, he said he liked me but its better for him to see how things go - rushing never worked well for him (also he came out of a 10 year relationship about 2 years ago)
2 months in an he gets offered a job in another city miles away. I get upset, because he doesn't seem to know what to do. He really enjoys being with me but can't bring himself to commit 100% and he doesn't know if its 1. Whether it's me or 2. The unsettling circumstances knowing that he will be leaving in a few months. His head goes back and forth all the time, telling him it's right, other times to step back. He doesn't know if things would work out, he doesn't want to hurt me and he really doesn't know what he wants. Hence for now the best he can be for me is a friend. Sex has all but gone, because I don't think he's comfortable hooking up at this stage. However, I still stay over and at his and snuggle couple of times a week, we text all the time, and kiss each other hello and goodbye and he has his arms around me when we go out. Its like an awkward strange sort of undefined relationship. We go on holiday and it's brilliant, but when it comes back, sometimes I sense a little distance again. He tells me all about his friends, but I've never met them. However his family is visiting and he says I can see them.. if I want to.
This goes on for a month or so, and it forces me into asking him what our status is, and whether he wants me to follow him to this new city, or are we just ending it when he leaves. And not surprisingly - He replies with this "That's a really good question but somewhat difficult. I mean I wish I could answer this with any sort of conviction and clear understanding. You've seen that i don't thrive particularly well under uncertainty. Or, I should say parts of me don't thrive well in those circumstances. In a way I like putting myself under these type of situations because I feel proud at clawing myself out and figuring how to make things work. But is not conducive for building stability which is a pre-requisite for relationships. What I'm trying to say is that its very difficult for me to say what will happen. I wish it wasn't this way, but I know myself and I don't want to say and promise things that I don't know for certainty That said I'm happy to give it a try if you want to come to New York and we can see if things work out from there. I know this is a bit vague, and not like a clear "this is what will happen" but I just want to be as honest and realistic as possible."
I asked him if he was happy hanging out with me as a person "Yeah I think it was very nice. I think we get along really well and I like that its very straightforward and easy spending time with you."
(uh, it sounds more like a friend thing!?)
Am I being a fool in wanting to move to another country to see how things work out with him? I really really like him, but I honestly don't know if he's just not really into me at all.... and how long I should be dithering around just letting him set the pace, and waiting
He said he will go to NYC and get his bearings before letting me know when is good to come over. I'm just scared as well he's going to go over, and think that me joining him is a terrible idea... Thank you so much for having read through all of this! I know it's long! I will really appreciate any insights
and happy to answer any questions or in someway help anyone if I can as well.
