INFJ Chameleon Problems, How to get a reign on Chameleon-ism?? | INFJ Forum

INFJ Chameleon Problems, How to get a reign on Chameleon-ism??

Profoundhappiness

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INFJ's have been known to be Chameleon's.

For those who fit within this ever changing mold, what problems do you find?

Do you ever feel truly comfortable enough to share your soft sides and your inner desires unexpressed?

Do you trapse about in life changing through social situations, while people pick up on your change and frame it as a dishonesty??

WHY are you a Chameleon? What purpose does this fulfill?

Please add any information that happens to spring up as you answer this question.
 
By "chameleonism", do you mean the ability to fit into different social situations? I've found I can respond adequately to "small talk" in various situations though I may not really care about either the topic or the person/people doing the talking. Or I can often find excuses to avoid a conversation I don't want to have. Or, I guess I could fake knowing what I'm doing or what I'm talking about in some situations. Are these the kind of things you mean?

Yes, I do feel comfortable enough with some people to share some inner desires unexpressed, but I don't think there is anyone I've ever felt completely comfortable with expressing everything inside. It's just not feasible or appropriate in any situation I can think of. I guess in the past that bothered me, but now I feel no problem holding some things private to myself and not having anyone ever know.

Yes, I have had my efforts to fit in exposed before. I think the most common situation for that is politics. I am friends both IRL and online with those who are either left leaning or right leaning, and usually the two don't mix, but occasionally ways I've acted while in the company of one group were picked up on by members of the other group, who then wonder if I really agree with them or not. I don't personally think I'm being overly mercurial, but I can understand when the two camps are so rabidly against each other that any interaction with the other camp is seen as disloyal or dishonest.

As to why and what purpose, I guess my feeling is to keep peace. I think that can go into the extreme of conflict avoidance, and I've definitely been like that before. But in the best cases it's merely using words to even out the friction that actions can cause. I really think actions "speak" louder than words, and so my actions represent my true feelings on various things. However, whatever my true feelings on something, such as politics, for instance, I do not see any reason to get into an emotional and unyielding debate with others all the time. It's just a waste of time... If you're going to vote one way or the other, and the debate never introduces new information, just rehashes the talking points on both sides with varying degrees of emotional nonsense, then why not just divert the energy that would be spent debating into working together on whatever you do agree with, even if it is just the weather? It's not conflict avoidance if the conflict isn't productive in any way, it's just waste-of-time avoidance.

Like I mentioned above, I think this used to bother me. I worried that if I didn't "stick up" for my beliefs, then what is the good of having them. But over time I decided that the only things that count in standing up for something are actions, words are just air. So now I do not think it morally wrong to share idle chatter with someone whose actions or beliefs are repugnant or stupid. I don't really have a problem talking about the weather with someone who has proven themselves to be a boob in debates before. I'm OK with paying lip-service to someone's irrational anger or fear or utter ignorance. When it comes to taking action, I act with my heart.
 
I have big problems with chameleonism, which is something I never even realized I made use of. Within a few seconds of meeting someone and quietly watching their actions, I can easily "become" them in a way. I can cater my joker to their preferences, display the same levels and kinds of emotions they do, and like/dislike the same things. Later, when I can think back on the situation, I realize that I don't even like the things I said I did, I kind of just went along with what they were thinking just to keep the conversation peaceful, flowing, safe, etc...
A lot of times I can be really, really happy having a wonderful day (my happiness comes from within most times, strongest when I am alone and thinking), but then I am suddenly talking or around 1 other person and I can feel this change inside me. I become aware of them, what they're doing, their expression, clothing, and general essence. I immediately forget about my happiness, and about me even being there in the first place. All my focus goes to that person, to the point where I basically take on who they are as a person. And I think the internal awareness from our intuition that we have it what leads to forgetting about ourselves in these situations.
What I have been practicing, and what has really been helping for me, is repeating to myself "My name is_______. I am a person. I exist." I know it sounds stupid as hell, but it works. I started doing that before I can even remember, like my inner self just knew it needed help not being absorbed by all around it. What's funny is that I found my self unconsciously doing it when I was around people. Repeating to myself that I was my own individual at first made me think, my god, this is crazy. I exist? I am me? Nuts. So looking back, even before I knew what I was doing, I weirdly came up with a way to be me while I am still able to see and feel everyone else, but just keep them at a more emotional distance from me. So that's the end of my inner thoughts and now I will answer your other questions.

The only time I feel comfortable sharing my soft side is when I am around people I just "feel" and "know" can sympathize with me. I am not going to show my soft side to someone who has no appreciation for it and will just shoot it down, or put me down for being me, and there is that whole INFJ fear of rejection coming out. I am also able to share myself the most fully with by ENFJ best friend, but only at certain points I feel it is right to share my soft side. The INFJ personality is a fickle thing, all emotions coming from within, so sharing my soft side is difficult because most people I am around I don't feel they are trusted enough for me to let them in.

It's funny, because my ENFJ friend when we first became friends always called me out for being what she deemed as fake. But when I opened up to her more and she saw who I really am, she realized its not me being fake, its me just going through the motions most of the time, keeping the peace. I see no need to create conflict unless it is absolutely necessary. For example, if someone tells me that they love dogs, I am going to agree that dogs are great and that I should get one, even though I don't own one, don't desire to at the moment, think they are messy sometimes, a lot of work, etc... I can agree with them because I see their viewpoint because they're a part of me at the moment in my chamelionness, so I go along. And most conversations go this way. But every once in a great while something in the conversation will spark my inner self and I will be able to push their conscience out of mine and fully feel myself, actually get into the conversation, speak up. So its not really dishonesty, and I can't speak for every INFJ on this, but to me I just don't have the energy to disagree, or even see the point honestly. Let people believe what they wish. It's their right.

So I think that kinda answers all of your questions, even though they aren't really organized to well (which does bug me a little bit because it is much easier to get the main idea across with organized writing).
 
I am definitely a chameleon. I feel that I am so complex, with so many different facets and a high level of natural adaptability that even though I may seem very different around different people, they are all just different versions of me. I'm not a fake person so I'm not pretending to be anything but I adapt my style of communicating and my demeanour according to who I am with, particularly in close relationships. I just view it as a way of creating a symbiotic relationship. The others are not aware of it but I am. I know myself enough to know that this is something I have to do, I can't not do it, that's why now that I am looking for a new relationship I am looking for someone that will help me bring out the parts of me that I like the best and brings me the most joy and comfort in life.
 
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I think it's more of a choice you make.for me, being excepted means that I can be exactly who I amwithout being scornedor judged for it. That means I am hardly ever excepted.for me, it is all or nothing. I would rather have complete acceptance, or no acceptance.I don't want any part of this acceptance with conditions type of thing.if I become a Chamaeleon, I am essentially saying that who I am isn't okay and that I should have to change and bend over backwards into what ever a certain group wants me to be in order to be excepted.when I do that, I am throwing away my self-respect and dignity and saying that who I truly am isn't really that important.also, if I am a Chamaeleon, one of the conditions for acceptance might be that I have to go without getting all of my needs met.for example, if I need a lot of intellectual stimulation, but in order to be a Chamaeleon,I have to socialize, drink, and go to big parties that make me feel drained and sometimes uncomfortable,I am giving up my needs for acceptance. It is a paradox, because when you become a Chamaeleon to be excepted into a group, you are excepted, but then you also aren't excepted if that makes sense.to clarify, the person you are pretending to be is excepted,but because you are not really that person, you are not excepted.therefore, you will never find true acceptance as a Chamaeleon. I understand that it can be very tempting especially if you are different than a lot of people and you get excepted a lot less often than the majority because of this,but it won't help.
 
I can think back to high school where my best friend always said I never wanted to introduce him to my other friends. In other words I wouldn't "mix" them.

I guess somehow I always knew I could hang with any of them but they all couldn't hang with one another. Come to think on it, maybe that's one big reason I got along with everyone in my family but they couldn't get along with each other.

In any case, if type has to do with it, I suspect it's the Ni Fe working close together.

Is it a problem? No because these days I don't have any friends at all. LOL!
 
I can think back to high school where my best friend always said I never wanted to introduce him to my other friends. In other words I wouldn't "mix" them.

I guess somehow I always knew I could hang with any of them but they all couldn't hang with one another. Come to think on it, maybe that's one big reason I got along with everyone in my family but they couldn't get along with each other.

In any case, if type has to do with it, I suspect it's the Ni Fe working close together.

Is it a problem? No because these days I don't have any friends at all. LOL!



How does that make you feel?
 
Not having any friends? Not bad actually. It's by choice, or at least I like to think so :)
 
When I was younger, the chameleon trait helped me navigate through contrasting environments without losing my sense of self. I saw it as a survival instinct that helped me get adjusted to places and people that were foreign to me. As got older and my emotions and thought patterns became more complex; it became harder to utilize the chameleon trait without getting lost in it. Especially through adolescent years where various identities and phases were take up; it became easy to adopt the chameleon behavior as a way to hide my inner self. The more I used it; the less I became who I really was. The chameleon trait can become a habit; a way to escape into alter egos within the personality and the more it is used the more real the behaviors seem to become. Emotions and feelings of others were easily absorbed but i did not know what to do with it.

The chameleon trait is only useful when an individual knows who they are and are secure with themselves.
 
I have big problems with chameleonism, which is something I never even realized I made use of. Within a few seconds of meeting someone and quietly watching their actions, I can easily "become" them in a way. I can cater my joker to their preferences, display the same levels and kinds of emotions they do, and like/dislike the same things. Later, when I can think back on the situation, I realize that I don't even like the things I said I did, I kind of just went along with what they were thinking just to keep the conversation peaceful, flowing, safe, etc...
A lot of times I can be really, really happy having a wonderful day (my happiness comes from within most times, strongest when I am alone and thinking), but then I am suddenly talking or around 1 other person and I can feel this change inside me. I become aware of them, what they're doing, their expression, clothing, and general essence. I immediately forget about my happiness, and about me even being there in the first place. All my focus goes to that person, to the point where I basically take on who they are as a person. And I think the internal awareness from our intuition that we have it what leads to forgetting about ourselves in these situations.
What I have been practicing, and what has really been helping for me, is repeating to myself "My name is_______. I am a person. I exist." I know it sounds stupid as hell, but it works. I started doing that before I can even remember, like my inner self just knew it needed help not being absorbed by all around it. What's funny is that I found my self unconsciously doing it when I was around people. Repeating to myself that I was my own individual at first made me think, my god, this is crazy. I exist? I am me? Nuts. So looking back, even before I knew what I was doing, I weirdly came up with a way to be me while I am still able to see and feel everyone else, but just keep them at a more emotional distance from me. So that's the end of my inner thoughts and now I will answer your other questions.

The only time I feel comfortable sharing my soft side is when I am around people I just "feel" and "know" can sympathize with me. I am not going to show my soft side to someone who has no appreciation for it and will just shoot it down, or put me down for being me, and there is that whole INFJ fear of rejection coming out. I am also able to share myself the most fully with by ENFJ best friend, but only at certain points I feel it is right to share my soft side. The INFJ personality is a fickle thing, all emotions coming from within, so sharing my soft side is difficult because most people I am around I don't feel they are trusted enough for me to let them in.

It's funny, because my ENFJ friend when we first became friends always called me out for being what she deemed as fake. But when I opened up to her more and she saw who I really am, she realized its not me being fake, its me just going through the motions most of the time, keeping the peace. I see no need to create conflict unless it is absolutely necessary. For example, if someone tells me that they love dogs, I am going to agree that dogs are great and that I should get one, even though I don't own one, don't desire to at the moment, think they are messy sometimes, a lot of work, etc... I can agree with them because I see their viewpoint because they're a part of me at the moment in my chamelionness, so I go along. And most conversations go this way. But every once in a great while something in the conversation will spark my inner self and I will be able to push their conscience out of mine and fully feel myself, actually get into the conversation, speak up. So its not really dishonesty, and I can't speak for every INFJ on this, but to me I just don't have the energy to disagree, or even see the point honestly. Let people believe what they wish. It's their right.

So I think that kinda answers all of your questions, even though they aren't really organized to well (which does bug me a little bit because it is much easier to get the main idea across with organized writing).

This is so absolutely on the mark.

Is there something in childhood that you think called for it? My childhood was constant fighting, bi polar rages, it was never peaceful, except in my imagination

I was definitely always an INFJ.. even before things got really bad.

But I feel I've lost the constant confidence I was born with, and that comfort, because of the volatile situations I've experienced

Before, I had given into the craziness deciding that everyone was right and I was wrong..
5 years ago I realized what I experienced wasnt all in my head, I was right, these people are nuts, validating myself.
I started to actually FEEL, I had PTSD pretty badly

But Like you I never realized I was being a chameleon.. until well.. NOW.. but I do it so well, so unconciously, I don't know how to stop.

And furthermore sometimes it is really useful. It serves its purpose to create harmony.

I recently changed my dname, like 2 weeks ago, because affirmations in my prior name never seemed to work..

All I hear in my head is the insults, cunt, bitch, good for nothing, stupid, idiot, evil, cold hearted, "we only had you because we couldnt afford an abortion."

I'm going to try the affirmations with my new name, I really want to help myself be more me and less blending with people for harmony.


I cater to the people that around me, so as not to overwhelm them or have them think anything odd of me/conflict in any way..

But this all has definitely turned into a problem.. I guess its like a wall or like a guard up... but it can seem as though I'm just being flexible, or loose with who I am

I get a bit of people who second guess my authenticity, except for INFJ, INFP... somehow I'm more understood...

I'm definitely interested in harmony so anyone with that goal in common usually fits well, but there arent many unfortunately..
 
From a simple looking, I do think a lot of this, I have felt.

But at the same time I think the more I grew, the more I can put myself in other's own shoes;
why they believed in what they believe, their perspective; how it will look from their own PoV. Why they believe they are right, why they believe they are justified.

add the greater understanding of the idea that we mostly want the same thing (love, acceptance, ego stroking, security, success, etc),
and chameleoning / adjusting ourselves to 'suit' others' behaviors and beliefs gets much easier.

For me, personally, Chameleonism mentioned was more like trying to be....chameleon. Invisible. Unnoticed, blending. FInding the best way to do that without.....compromising myself.
 
INFJ's have been known to be Chameleon's.

For those who fit within this ever changing mold, what problems do you find?
The biggest one is of course, having our true selves / important part of ourselves being censored / repressed.
Because occasionally the group we're in can be toxic if we showed that part of ourselves.

I would recommend either leaving the group entirely or going political in this case;
either finding a way to let us express ourselves without clashing against the laws of the land, so to speak,
or trying to change the laws of the land entirely.

Do you ever feel truly comfortable enough to share your soft sides and your inner desires unexpressed?
Honestly? Not so far, not recently.

Do you trapse about in life changing through social situations, while people pick up on your change and frame it as a dishonesty??
I don't know. I don't think my overall behavior changed much-- it would mostly be details. What gets talked / discussed / joked about and what doesn't.
And recently not everyone gets close enough to compare my forms between group.

WHY are you a Chameleon? What purpose does this fulfill?
Conflict avoidance, desire to not create conflict / keep the harmony;
at worst, to fit in.

Thus, the opposite, when the mask gets dropped, is when 'enough is enough, I'm being ME'.
 
Profoundhappiness:

I honestly don't know what caused it in my childhood, though I am sure my best friend at the time played a big part in it. We met when we were around 6 years old and we are still friends to this day, though I have definitely shut down opening my soul to hers because hers is just so... hopeful and sad and angry and loving and everything all at once. My amazing best friend that I've had now for 8 years was probably the one that saved me from becoming a terrible person. Anyway, from the beginning I considered her my BEST FRIEND, a friend that I would spend the rest of my life with and share my deepest thoughts with. But the more I opened myself up, the more I became exactly like her. This mean person that was constantly negative and hating of life (which I am not AT ALL, but back then I didn't realize that). One moment I remember really specifically is when we were in my basement and for some reason I just said "I don't believe in God, I don't think I ever have. What do you think?" And out of all the answers she could give me, she told me that I was weird, wrong, going to hell, etc. Now that's an extreme. She constantly put me down for everything, even minor things like telling me my bangs looked like shit. And as I've been thinking about this over the years and talking with my ENFJ best friend, chameleonism to me just seems like it really stems from having such creative, weird, odd, insightful thoughts that when you are younger you feel free to tell to everyone, until they criticize you and make you feel like you're strange, and then you do start feeling strange because you feel what they feel. You feel their confusion, their inability to understand, or when they don't even try to understand. So as you grow up, you keep those "weird" thoughts in your head because you were told from the start that they're wrong, so you believe that by adopting others' emotions, you can create this sort of identity for yourself that uniquely caters to them. On the outside you are them, but on the inside, the mind and imagination can become astoundingly real and amazing, maybe because by not offering our truest thoughts, we don't have the criticism from others, so we can continue to think our craziest thoughts. But this can also backfire, because while the imagination can be a good thing in your youth, seeing the terrible things we see while growing up can lead our imaginations to the scariest of places, which is perhaps why we don't share ourselves with others. We know what we have inside, we don't want others to feel our pain.
As for that bad friend of mine, and I know this is really an INFJ thing, is that I can never let her go. Never end our friendship. Why?, even though she put me through this and made me feel bad at times for being me, I still love her. I still know her soul. I know who she was, who she could've become, who she can become, and honestly it just KILLS ME that even when I gave her my soul, she couldn't and wouldn't accept it. It hurts more than anything in the entire world. I know she knows that I gave it to her, and I think that's why she still comes back to me today, texting and calling much more often than I would to her. It's also just amazing though to hangout with someone you gave your soul to, to know that they saw the real you and didn't like it, or didn't understand it. It makes chameleonism nonexistent. Why hide from someone that you already know disapproves of you, but at the same time loves you in her own way. And that love that I see in her, that potential for a beautiful person, that is why I keep coming back. I think I really got off topic there, but while my stress came from one main person, you had many. It most likely manifested itself in the same way that mine did.
As for being a comfortable and confident person, I completely lost those around that girl. In order to get it back: understanding, love and the realization that other peoples troubles shouldn't make ME feel like shit. There are so many sad and terrible things in this world, but when I feel love for someone it is almost impossible to describe. It's like my whole being is filled with utter joy and fullness. And I realized that its so much harder to love than to hate, to see the differences. The confidence will return when emotions fill the soul, when I look at and feel people both negative and positive. Something I've also been trying lately is focus my mind more on the external world and people and how we're all the same and that even though someone did/does mean things to me, I understand. I get where they're coming from. It is hard as hell, especially around lots of people. Just... project your mind outward, love outward instead of keeping it inside. Yeah, people will see more of the real you, and you will know that they do, but you will also know that if you do become friends with them, they'll accept that inner world. Truly amazing, but it takes a lot of focus on the external world, which is exhausting.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you started to feel. Like I said above, more focus on the external world and our underdeveloped Se helped balance that introverted intuition. As that develops, so do such intense feelings. I can cry in the blink of an eye, be filled with pure joy, pure hatred, contempt, etc. And it's so weird to finally say to yourself, "hey, I was right all along, even though all these years people made me sound like the crazy one." A great realization right there.
And as to stop hearing the negativity and being reminded of all its terrible feelings everyday, I've just gone the route of yes, you can think that, but I know it's not true because that's who I am and I love myself. Anyways, any person who feels the need to harass you like that, they don't deserve your soul.

It's a lot. This is just how I've been doing things for a little while, though I know I still have a long way to go. There are so many methods out there for INFJs to learn how to stay true to themselves, so if you try out a lot, or one you think would work with you, you will be good to go. Just don't follow what I say, because everyone is so goddamn different i this world it still astounds me to this day. So many people, so many energies, personalities, likes, dislikes, activities, etc. Blows my gosh darn mind.
 
Profoundhappiness:

I honestly don't know what caused it in my childhood, though I am sure my best friend at the time played a big part in it. We met when we were around 6 years old and we are still friends to this day, though I have definitely shut down opening my soul to hers because hers is just so... hopeful and sad and angry and loving and everything all at once. My amazing best friend that I've had now for 8 years was probably the one that saved me from becoming a terrible person. Anyway, from the beginning I considered her my BEST FRIEND, a friend that I would spend the rest of my life with and share my deepest thoughts with. But the more I opened myself up, the more I became exactly like her. This mean person that was constantly negative and hating of life (which I am not AT ALL, but back then I didn't realize that). One moment I remember really specifically is when we were in my basement and for some reason I just said "I don't believe in God, I don't think I ever have. What do you think?" And out of all the answers she could give me, she told me that I was weird, wrong, going to hell, etc. Now that's an extreme. She constantly put me down for everything, even minor things like telling me my bangs looked like shit. And as I've been thinking about this over the years and talking with my ENFJ best friend, chameleonism to me just seems like it really stems from having such creative, weird, odd, insightful thoughts that when you are younger you feel free to tell to everyone, until they criticize you and make you feel like you're strange, and then you do start feeling strange because you feel what they feel. You feel their confusion, their inability to understand, or when they don't even try to understand. So as you grow up, you keep those "weird" thoughts in your head because you were told from the start that they're wrong, so you believe that by adopting others' emotions, you can create this sort of identity for yourself that uniquely caters to them. On the outside you are them, but on the inside, the mind and imagination can become astoundingly real and amazing, maybe because by not offering our truest thoughts, we don't have the criticism from others, so we can continue to think our craziest thoughts. But this can also backfire, because while the imagination can be a good thing in your youth, seeing the terrible things we see while growing up can lead our imaginations to the scariest of places, which is perhaps why we don't share ourselves with others. We know what we have inside, we don't want others to feel our pain.
As for that bad friend of mine, and I know this is really an INFJ thing, is that I can never let her go. Never end our friendship. Why?, even though she put me through this and made me feel bad at times for being me, I still love her. I still know her soul. I know who she was, who she could've become, who she can become, and honestly it just KILLS ME that even when I gave her my soul, she couldn't and wouldn't accept it. It hurts more than anything in the entire world. I know she knows that I gave it to her, and I think that's why she still comes back to me today, texting and calling much more often than I would to her. It's also just amazing though to hangout with someone you gave your soul to, to know that they saw the real you and didn't like it, or didn't understand it. It makes chameleonism nonexistent. Why hide from someone that you already know disapproves of you, but at the same time loves you in her own way. And that love that I see in her, that potential for a beautiful person, that is why I keep coming back. I think I really got off topic there, but while my stress came from one main person, you had many. It most likely manifested itself in the same way that mine did.
As for being a comfortable and confident person, I completely lost those around that girl. In order to get it back: understanding, love and the realization that other peoples troubles shouldn't make ME feel like shit. There are so many sad and terrible things in this world, but when I feel love for someone it is almost impossible to describe. It's like my whole being is filled with utter joy and fullness. And I realized that its so much harder to love than to hate, to see the differences. The confidence will return when emotions fill the soul, when I look at and feel people both negative and positive. Something I've also been trying lately is focus my mind more on the external world and people and how we're all the same and that even though someone did/does mean things to me, I understand. I get where they're coming from. It is hard as hell, especially around lots of people. Just... project your mind outward, love outward instead of keeping it inside. Yeah, people will see more of the real you, and you will know that they do, but you will also know that if you do become friends with them, they'll accept that inner world. Truly amazing, but it takes a lot of focus on the external world, which is exhausting.
I know exactly what you mean when you say you started to feel. Like I said above, more focus on the external world and our underdeveloped Se helped balance that introverted intuition. As that develops, so do such intense feelings. I can cry in the blink of an eye, be filled with pure joy, pure hatred, contempt, etc. And it's so weird to finally say to yourself, "hey, I was right all along, even though all these years people made me sound like the crazy one." A great realization right there.
And as to stop hearing the negativity and being reminded of all its terrible feelings everyday, I've just gone the route of yes, you can think that, but I know it's not true because that's who I am and I love myself. Anyways, any person who feels the need to harass you like that, they don't deserve your soul.

It's a lot. This is just how I've been doing things for a little while, though I know I still have a long way to go. There are so many methods out there for INFJs to learn how to stay true to themselves, so if you try out a lot, or one you think would work with you, you will be good to go. Just don't follow what I say, because everyone is so goddamn different i this world it still astounds me to this day. So many people, so many energies, personalities, likes, dislikes, activities, etc. Blows my gosh darn mind.

Wow I just absolutely resonate with everything you said, even when you said you went off topic.. it is completely relevant. I would say I can't believe you are 19, but being an INFJ old soul, I definitely can its a different sort of learning I think.

The relation to others, i guess really puts a different focus on who we are.. its not to say there is a dependence kind of vibe, but just this Idea of ACTUALLY CARING and really taking things to heart and in consideration that people dont understand.

People will say things that are hurtful non chalantly and maybe sometimes its just to have an original thought of their own..

Did you ever think in some of these relationships because of who you are, confident honest and beautiful on the inside...
That it really makes others feel so insecure that in order to find balance they insult?? etc etc

I've caught that phenomenon for a while now, somehow it was so important that others put me down, because I came off as pretty benevolent and strong, this is a weird combination I suppose. Something like that.

I definitely at this age have learned how to let people go who constantly create needless drama, STILL loving them, but choosing who I relate with.

After 25 years I let go of a person I thought of as a little sister.. it was traumatic I thought about it for 2 months and woke up one day saying it is over.

When it comes to men I can EASILY let go, being a feminist, all things should be equal.

But now that I'm actively dating seeking out some companion , I'm struggling on how I present myself, because my preset is Chameleon..

Which means, how can I find who I want to be with and someone who wants to be with me,

If I want a person who SEES into people as I do

INFJ - 1. They will see into me, that I can blend, and could interpret it as lying.. and have! I feel I lack any control there.

INFP - 2. They are so objective that they will leave you without much attachment, its like never reaching the depth at which I feel love.

I just feel like I really CANNOT CARE about a person I'm dating... because I will be so malleable and agreeable.

Its almost as if I have to dislike them in order for it to be a genuine interaction..
In order for me to not get carried away with reading what THEY want in the exchange.. and showing them that.

I'm really glad I posted this thread and was able to connect, it feels very isolating when absolutely no one is like you.
 
Did you ever think in some of these relationships because of who you are, confident honest and beautiful on the inside...
That it really makes others feel so insecure that in order to find balance they insult?? etc etc

YES! You hit the mark here. I've never thought about it before. That's why I love this forum! haha. I can for sure confirm that people tend to notice who is strong/confident, etc... I never had a problem with bullying at all throughout school, and once I started to think about that, I realized two things. 1: I think there is just something about me that tells people not to mess with me. That it's not going to work. 2: Even if someone tries to put me down, it doesn't work (except for those times when I am really stressed or tired and I take everything to heart). I either completely shut out their energy or "soul" that I let in (I get quiet, stop looking at their eyes, and one thing that I've noticed is that I get really, really mean. Instead of thinking about understanding that person, I have no desire whatsoever anymore to keep going. Most of the time I don't say the mean things I'm thinking, but every once in a while I will get this burst of pent up energy and explode at that person, calling out all their faults, which I often feel terrible about later). And when I'm in a great mood, I just laugh it off, pretend like I am going along with it.

I agree with you that it is much easier letting go of men. My friends always tell me I shouldn't just completely stop talking to someone, block him, etc. But when I can sense that a man doesn't respect me, it's easy to let go.

I have probably come across some INFJs in my life, my father perhaps being one of them (though I'm still unsure). Some INFJs I feel have "stronger" connections, some weaker, so interacting with one honestly just depends. The worst is meeting a cynical one that makes you feel like there is nothing in this world worth living for. Those unhealthy INFJs are quite scary. I know, because I used to be one and often am when I am under stress, tired, on edge, anxious. It is SO HARD keeping that love inside when around so many people, like crowds. I am so much better when just one on one with someone. As for INFPs, I've never had much experience with one as I'm not usually attracted to that type for some reason. I'm especially drawn to odd personalities, strong ones, and extroverted people.

So true about loving someone. I dated one person in my life, and I have to regrettably say that I became so much like him, agreeing to all his ideas. This ended up terribly as he never listened to a thing I said, he just loved me because "I am the only one that understands him" HA, I get that from so many people I become close with, yet I can't say the same about anyone truly knowing me. And I feel like someone can't truly know me because so much of what I experience I can't explain. It all just comes to me as feelings. And I want so badly to be able to just show someone my mind and these feelings, to mentally connect with them so they understand. To let them into the thing I call my mind. But, I'm not a telepath, so that's just an impossible dream of mine.

Here's a question though... when you are feeling very chameleon-like, what helps bring you back to who you are? For me, it's looking at myself in the mirror, spending time alone, or being outdoors. The mirror thing sounds vain I know, but its almost as if I'm not assessing my attractiveness or unattractiveness, its just being able to recognize again that I'm a person, and that I look like something. I often forget what I even look like when I'm with people, which is really strange.
 
Being alone or being around people I trust and feel comfortable being myself with and we have to being doing something boring. Watch a movie, cooking etc I actually love this stuff because it is relaxing. When I get around too many energies I get taxed.. And excitable/anxious.

I always used to look in the mirror a lot because much like you I just didn't feel very connected to my physical body, but even that has been critiqued. So I haven't done that in a while, only as you mention it do I remember why I don't spend much time there.

I think sometimes I don't know how others are viewing me from their perspective, I can feel it, but I can't think it or properly express it. I usually think people know I'm joking right? That this isn't the real me? I always thought they could SEE like I can but they CANT.. Especially when you are a great chameleon. I can pull off crazy really well in order to have a boundary or just be far from reach. I thought people knew I was just putting up a front. But they never have.. That was a wake up call. And it's been a good one.

I enjoy alone time, often I don't reach out, it's not because I don't like the very few friends I have, I just think being such a chameleon takes a lot of energy out of me. I guess the answer is to not try so hard, but then will I be interesting?

I watch a lot of fantasy movies and let myself drift into imagination.

I also sing.. I sing all the time.. It's almost like breathing. If I'm happy I sing, and the more I sing the more I am happy.

It is definitely a comfort mechanism that is so absolutely unconscious. But using my voice just makes me so satisfied.

I write songs and a couple philosophy books, books on love, self love and happiness. Children's books too.

I don't work out a lot because standard working out is weird to me.. Flailing limbs and treadmills to nowhere.

I love yoga and biking. Yoga helps me feel more connected with my body, maybe because it is more of a spiritual practice. It's meditative.

As a child I was in a meditative contemplative state most times so it is very natural this kind of thinking gets me in a zone, zoning off whatever but it channels my focus because I have a lot of focus energy and do not like to think about many things at once.

If I am contemplating it should be one subject one person one problem so I can give my whole self to it find a solution if one exists and move on.

Singular focusing helps me feel myself.
Honestly alone I feel so confident strong I feel such comfort and no worries. I think being around others energies makes me question myself. Should I be more exciting? I get a little insecure about that. I feel really normal, very average and standard. I don't make crazy decisions, however my perspective and how I view situations framing etc can surprise people a lot. I don't like to surprise people unintentionally.

I would rather just purposely be silly and rediculous instead of have my heartfelt honest thoughts scrutinized because I am truly very different.

Which is something I'm working on

I can tell you the one thing I've always been the best at is knowing what I need.. And being prepared somehow.. I have my "just in cases" mentality..

Having what I need makes me feel good. Being unprepared, without something makes me totally anxious.

I feel this way about people too. Having the love that I need reflected back at me makes me so very content I want for nothing and I worry for nothing. But then I realize I can want for nothing and worry for nothing alone and have.. But because I'm partial to extremes. If I am content alone I will not seek out a partner, not friends, nor opportunities.

I become very content, which is all the more reason to find something I am GRANDLY happy with, all the more reason to scrutinize and become a perfectionist. But then, where's the balance? I realize I must work on my balance. My give and take. What I will hold on to and what I will let go of or from.

I'm still learning stress techniques, but I will always be learning everything. There is always more to know. My motto for a while has been not to criticize myself. Because accepting my flaws and differences relaxes me.

But then there are people.. and no matter how much I think I don't care or shouldn't.. I care constantly. I care about everything. I think that's why reducing it to one subject at a time helps.

One thing at a time.

This was really long and all over the place but hopefully some of the information is useful.
 
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No, I think it's really interesting to hear what other INFJs experience. It is even better online because I feel that is where our minds truly come to life. And I am SO much better at writing out my thoughts and feelings that stating them verbally. No idea why, but I can explain myself better that way.

It is so weird that all the activities you like to do to stay yourself are much like what I do: outdoor activities (biking, rollerblading, walking), I love yoga and stretching my muscles, and oh, fantasy movies! My friends never understand why I love those so much. Getting lost in another world and leaving my own for a while is truly one of the greatest and most relaxing things.

You know what's funny... I went out to the pub last night with a few of my new friends (4 guys, 2 girls) and when I had a beer in me I decided to probe a little bit and ask them prompting questions. I do like to smoke weed everyday, not only because it relaxes me, but I get this amazing new perspective that allows me to completely let go of this negativeness I often get. I get trapped in one way of thinking and start becoming hopeless, but then I smoke and its almost like I am freed from those chains. No more anxiety, although that can backfire sometimes and I can become even more anxious, but I've learned to control that. Weed is what you make it. So anyways, I brought up the topic of smoking a lot, and how it really helps me see life from a new view, that I use it for its advantages and not to just sit around and eat. Well, as I watched and felt everyone's reactions, I totally realized something. They kind of dismissed me, acting very strangely, then changing the topic. I kept bringing it up, giving them stories of why I like it. Now I wasn't going to deep. Just a few sentences of explanations. And the funny thing is, none of them asked for those explanations. I said I smoked weed, no one asked why. They just didn't like it so that was that. If someone tells me something I may not think is right, or something I don't understand, I ask them why. I can't fathom just dismissing someone simply because I don't agree with them. I can still understand their perspective and sympathize with them. People have told me they do heroin, but do I judge? I ask why, I think what could have happened in their life for them to try it, and I never fully make a conclusion about something unless I've done it myself and experienced it. I don't know... I easily understand others and it just seems like no matter how hard I put myself out there, even giving detailed explanations, it's never enough for them. They will never truly understand, and that is what makes me so sad.

I can agree with you that being unprepared or not knowing what to do, having so many details to worry about and stuff always puts me in the worst mode ever. I just end up crying then because I am so overwhelmed by people's lack of empathy and understanding. And when I do get that understanding, I get attached so easy because it is not often that I come by it. And then I just end up scaring that person away with the intensity of my emotions. When I feel something, I feel it to my core. It's nuts.
 
[MENTION=12876]phaedra[/MENTION] They've told u they do heroine and all this jazz, but they can't except that u smoked a little grass? What the...?

What it sounds like is that these "friends" think u should be the perfect robot, free from fault and mistakes, but they can do whatever without taking any responsibility.

Is that right?
 
So what is it that they don't understand?! I dont get it either. I guess some people don't bother with curiousity to understand others. As my sister said once to me.. "Why is it important that you understand me?" Is that how other people think? that it is not important to understand others? Maybe many people think it is not? Reasoning doesnt matter, process is inconsequential.. Just judge a person by the detail and that is it.

I just cannot have it so cut and dry. The process matters to me.
There is something to connect on in every person, some little bit of me in you, some little bit of you in me.

We are not separate, that is an illusion.

We have something in common, maybe by thinking you can understand others, you can understand yourself better?

I didn't used to get so anxious and emotionally charged, but after my mom passed from suicide 2 years ago, things have changed.

I have a lot more riding on relationships than ever before. Its too much pressure I think. dating is not for me for sure.
 
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