[INFJ] - INFJ Borderline and still alive -_-' | INFJ Forum

[INFJ] INFJ Borderline and still alive -_-'

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Latarte, Mar 5, 2015.

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  1. Latarte

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    Hi my name is Cynthia Choufani. I'm 22 years old. I come from a Lebanease family. My parents came in Canada to escape the war and have a family. When they came to Canada they encountered the struggle of the poor and individualised society of the Canadians|Americans lifestyle and ideology. Not to say that Lebanon has better citizens but the war and the struggle there surely brang the emotion out of you. Surely, they had no other way but to rely one another for comfort, for grief, for love and laughs. Misery brang that. So coming here in Canada for at least 2 or 3 years, they had to adapt. They had to work without the warmth and love of family. With a certain disconnexion to the world. We must understand them.
    Few years after the 2 or 3 years, they had me. April 12, 1992, and there's a snow storm. I cried. My father was dissgusted at first then my mom explained, then he showed me everywhere screaming ''it's my daughter''. I really was his daughter, in every sense of the term. He was the one with me at my first years as a baby. My mom worked full-time. My mom told me he was very anxious with me. He really had a problem with agressivity and loss of emotion control at times (at the time occasionnaly). Even in Lebanon, my father really was the secretive, studious type with fragile nerves that's all. His nerves were his vulnerability. We must understand him. Later on, my mother and my dad began to fight over the aggressivity my dad had over me in certain frequent situations. Sometimes for no reason at all and sometimes with certain reason. He always wanted from me complete attention, complete approval of his sayings. I felt no urge as a teenager to approve anything from him having the need to approve myself first and wtf was I? Me going to secondary school was constant, not abnormal at all. I was yes, secretive and had my own bubble but everything seemed fine. Then I experienced the most traumatizing and false image of college life with college heads and college simillarities and false openness. At first was shy, then saw the opportunity to make music with people even tho' I was in litterature. My insight was more direct and pure thru musical expression. I had approval. Yay. I missed classes, dropped my classes. It began something meaningful to me. But I gave myself. I gave a lot. I thought a lot of people were not giving it AT ALL. I knew I had ''MADE AN EFFECT''. People truly loved what I did. Did I? I hated the songs I sang. I hated what I have become. Too much attention brought, I was not used to this. I did not like attention. I want love for who I am. Then started to hate certain musicians for lack of authenticity and blankness. I wanted a soul. I felt alone for feeling so much. I left college.
    Then went out with a guy that I would name (D) with a few problems, went to another college to study more seriously in communication|movies. Dropped that too. When going out with (D), cocaine and marijuanna and lots of other drugs were consumed. He felt empty, I felt empty too. So let's fall together he? Not a thing to do forever. Still, I managed to get pregnant with (A) while going out with (D). (A) was too a really bad influence. He had drugs. We'd snort speed and do cocaine and so what. Things went out of control. Till' I bounced back at my mother for support. She supported me. And bounced back again at (K) who was not into drugs, he was into me. He took me in his appartment like if I was a wrecked bird and gave me the love and the comfort that nobody ever gave to me. It came so fast I ended up going out with him having conflictual conversations of our different values and predisposition. I screamed and fight when he pushed too far on my limits. We fought. It was not good. I was afterwards, diagnosed Borderline. STILL having an INFJ personality.
    What I live now:
    -Short-tempered
    -I try my best only to respond at my demands, approval, and profound need by myself from now on, knowing nobody can ever satisfy me like I can but I'm hard on myself, really not so considerant of myself sometimes
    -Not seeing friends a lot, a little unconcerned, detached from them.
    -Excluding myself from this mess I was in to make peace with everything that happened.
    -I try to listen to myself a lot more. I understand how bad I need my own proper approval.
    -Now, I understand how special I can be but I fear to imagine further. I know I will experience something again that'll make me grow. The only rule for survival in my game, is living.
    -I practice meditation and aerobics. I take walks. YES I SMOKE CIGARETTES but....I read, I watch all kinds of documentaries. Smoke a doobie, do sports and take a bath.
    -I felt I had a right to take care of me and if anybody had a problem with that, they could go fuck themselves. People still think I do nothing because I'm not socially involved. Hey, I'm just trying to respond to myself right now! Thank you!

    So we must give time and be considerant. And fight. Nothing comes easy. And those who do not understand our inner war, are not cruel but ignorant. We (INFJ Borderline) are not easy to reveal. We give up diamonds there and there, bring shit and then fold in. But we can become wonderful when having only the knowledge that we can get better. We want to get better. And we will. We face the war head down sometimes up in our good days and nobody knows what's the struggle. ''Ha! you wouldn't understand'' I'd say. I'd take a flower and eat five of the petals and finally drop the flower, leaving with nothing more to say. And the guy would be like ''yo Cyny! girl! come here''. And I'd say ''Cyny? Girl? WTF? is that the limitation of your language?: yo cyny girl come here?'' ''and by the way ain't responding to imperative actions taking by me on my behalf! NO WAY SIR'' and he'd be like ''what is going on, she's going there, I'm going there, there must be something going wrong with this girl'' ''yeah I feel pity for you'' then leave silently while he's crying and when he opens up his eyes, I'm not there anymore.
     
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