Ignoring Friends

[Neva]

I've been hurt so many times by friends who suddenly decide to ignore me for no specified reason.

It happened to me with 3 friends:

The first: had a crush on me since middle school & when I found out later on, I actually developed feelings for him (but we never really go out because I wasn't really convinced with him romantically or having him be more than a friend for me). I ended the friendship because all of a sudden he became "busy" with non sense stuff and made excuses that he had stuff to do, but it was actually him choosing to do things like facebooking rather than talk to me. I found it to be obvious that he's ignoring me and I told him I've had enough of his attitude, he told me that he cares so much about our friendship and that he would want us to stay friends. I ended it my way, which was to block him from any communication he had with me (facebook, msn, etc.)

The second: I thought she was one of my closest friends, but I guess I was totally wrong. I've known her since I was in my 3rd year of college, which was almost 5 years ago. We've been going out a lot with my friends who I introduced to her this past year. Then all of a sudden, we went out one time (it was me, her, 3 of my guy friends - 2 who she knew from before and third didn't know her). The third guy who didn't know her stayed and talked to me the whole time we were out because he didn't find himself getting along with her that much, which apparently pissed her off. The next day, I sent her a message saying that I'm sorry if I seemed like ignoring you (because that's what she thought I was doing, since I was talking to the guy who didn't get along with her) and thanked her for coming out with us. What's her reply?! All of a SUDDEN, she tells me I don't want to talk about it. Then I try to call her, she cancels on me, then I sent her a message saying what happened, I have no clue what's going on! She was like you know what's going on, you ignored me the whole time, and I've went out with you before, clearly if a guy friend of yours asked me out, I wouldn't ignore you like you did to me. I was like WHAT?!! I asked my other 2 guy friends, what the hell did it seem I was doing with the guy?!! All we did was TALK, I never did anything that would seem to make us more than friends. I didn't ignore anyone else there, so why all of a SUDDEN is she acting like this? My best friend told me something very similar happened to her and she told me it's clear that she's jealous you're getting all the attention and she was pissed off that no one gave her any attention. Another thing that SHOCKED me was that she ADDED on facebook ANYONE from my friends she saw or we hanged out right when we finished our outing. Another shocking thing I found out was that she sent a message to one of my friends "she heard of" but never saw and told her that she's my friend and asked her if she could add her on facebook. I ended that friendship the day she sent me all the hurtful sms' then later on, on my birthday she sent me a message saying "despite anything, I cannot not say happy birthday, so happy birthday, have a good one." I didn't reply and I haven't had any connections with her ever since that day we fought after our outing together. Then last week, I noticed that one of my friends (one of the guys we went out with that day) wrote on her wall on facebook asking about her. Then she replied thanks a lot for asking about me, it's clear to me now who my real and fake friends are"...that hurts a lot and then yesterday I decided to block her off my facebook because I know I don't want to see any more of her hurtful messages again.

The third: He's actually the guy who talked to me the whole time we were out and didn't get along with my other friend while we were out. He's 3 years younger than me. We went out a couple of times with our friends and after a couple of outings, he told me he wants to know everything about me and tell me everything, thus being closer friends. I told him I don't mind at all, but I'm afraid of one and only thing. That thing was if one of us falls for the other person and he said well I didn't think you would think of it that way, so we became closer friends. I shared a lot of things with him, same with him, whenever he had any problems, I would find him call me or even sending me a message asking if he could see me. Then recently, he just disappeared, so I called him, he picked up really fast and told me there's something horrible that happened and that I should call him in an hour, so I told him ok, sure. Then I called him SO many times for the past 2 weeks, nothing, he doesn't call back, replies to my messages...so I decided to send him a message on facebook, telling him that I'm worried about him and how he's not picking up...then all of a sudden I find him online, talked to him, he didn't talk back, so I decided I should end this friendship as well. A week before he told me something horrible happened, I stopped calling him, so he sent me a message saying "so you've decided to never call me again?!" I was like why would you say that, so he was like because you stopped calling me. So, I was like well how come you didn't call? Why is it me that always asks about you? I was a bit depressed and I told him that I tend not to talk to anyone when I'm depressed, but I was hoping for him to call and ask about me, but instead it was MY fault for not calling and asking about him. So, all of a sudden he got mad and told me I got your point. Anyway, LOOOOOOOONG story, but I ended it yesterday with again, deleting him off my facebook, msn and I will try my best not to call him and see what's going on and if he really meant it when he said I'm one of his closest friends and that he would never want us apart or end our friendship in any way. Oh by the way, he's an ENFJ

Anyway, after these 3 hurtful experiences, I've decided I shouldn't care so much, but it's SO hard because as an INFJ I tend to care so much and then when I'm hurt, I tend to block everything and everyone who got me hurt this badly.

What do you guys think? I really really care for my ENFJ friend and I don't want to lose him as a friend because I'm sure something came up and that's why he disappeared, but I HATE it that he's not replying to anything when I know he sees my missed calls, my messages and everything else.

Thanks a lot for reading this looooooong thread

 

[Orion]

I have a good friend and some people who I am around due to circumstance. It seems to me, that no matter what happens, all my relationships with people, will break down and die.

 

[Neva]

I have a good friend and some people who I am around due to circumstance. It seems to me, that no matter what happens, all my relationships with people, will break down and die.

Yeah, isn't it sad though?! I mean I tend to have a feeling when I'm with them that tells me there's something wrong and that the friendship will end somehow really bad. I try not to get too close with them, but it never works and I end up being hurt in the end. I keep telling myself it's going to work out and there's no such thing as feeling something bad will happen, but my intuitive feelings are always right, sadly.

 

[Orion]

Yeah, isn't it sad though?! I mean I tend to have a feeling when I'm with them that tells me there's something wrong and that the friendship will end somehow really bad. I try not to get too close with them, but it never works and I end up being hurt in the end. I keep telling myself it's going to work out and there's no such thing as feeling something bad will happen, but my intuitive feelings are always right, sadly.

I've spent my entire life trying to figure out why. All I want to do is help and be there for people. Online or off, male or female, young or old, it makes no difference.

 

[Neva]

I know what you mean. What hurts me the most is how nice, caring I am and how I keep myself last when it comes to friends (no matter what, close or just friends), yet I still end up getting hurt and blamed for things that don't make sense. This teaches me a lesson that I've been thinking of lately, I should be more self centered, think of myself more rather than care for others so much and end up getting hurt.

 

[Orion]

Well yeah, that's what I've been doing for a while now. My Fe towards others is pretty much non-existent. It feels as if it'll take some guiding light to convince me that I should do otherwise. But who's gonna do that?

One theory I have is that when I don't say much and close down, people tend to get on with me much better. They talk, I listen. However, when I'm in my normal talking mood, things just start exploding. I think I should just keep my mouth shut.

 

[Neva]

Well that's one problem with my 3rd friend, whenever he wanted to talk to someone, I was there for him when he needed me, but when I was depressed and I needed someone then, he blamed me for not calling him! I really really want to learn how to be self centered because I hate being there for people and really at end ignoring myself and my needs towards that friend.

 

[Orion]

Thinking about it... I don't know the answer to your problem, but I do know that not caring for people is not the answer. It's the easy route, sure, but we should never do the easiest thing. We should just be the best we can to others, no matter how crap it is. The problem for me is, I can't seem to get back up and do that. That's the challenge I guess.

 

[Neva]

Same here. How could you go on with a friendship without caring when you actually cared so much for that person? My solution was to move on and forget about them! That's because if they can't make the time to know what's wrong or what's bothering you, then they don't deserve you as a friend. I was doing a bit of research on that when I had some free time today and I noticed that people advised other people with telling them to move on because when they think about the past, they're wasting their future rather than enjoy it by making new friends and finding people who really care for who you are, not what you are to them. I think what's meant by that is people who don't really matter are really using you whenever they feel down or in need of talking to someone, while the ones who matter, don't ever mind being there whenever you need them no matter if you've done so little or so much for them.

I believe this quote is true, "Do whatever you believe because those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter"

 

[Nela]

I believe this quote is true, "Do whatever you believe because those who matter, don't mind and those who mind, don't matter"

That's absolutely true.

 

[Roger]

Some people are just really careless. Don't care about them. Just roam with right and true people. They can take care about you. There are lot of opportunities. If people are ignoring you, don't worry, go with them who can talk to you and can consider your feelings.

 

[Neva]

Some people are just really careless. Don't care about them. Just roam with right and true people. They can take care about you. There are lot of opportunities. If people are ignoring you, don't worry, go with them who can talk to you and can consider your feelings.

Thanks a lot All of your replies are making me feel better already

 

[Top cat]

What I notice is it's always helpful to be a little distant or cold.. Like you make relationships at work but it's very professional. You don't get too much into 'friends' territory, you don't give yourself away (your interests, your personal life, where you live) --if a person turns sour or leaves, you just let it go. It's not your responsibility to heal them, it's their own choice. Maybe we can be too caring that we get attached to the person and the pain is much harder to deal with.

I totally relate to what Yield says about things going better when you stay distant and silent. I think one reason is that a ton of people have issues they need to deal with ('shadows) and they project these thoughts onto other people. So you find them acting irrational to something tiny you did. It's not so much that what you did was terrible, it has nothing to do with you actually, it's really their issues coming to the surface and they're taking it out on you. Like when a person has a bad experience and regrets they did nothing about it. When they get a new encounter that reminds them of that experience, they will act in the way they wished they acted.. in hopes they will come to closure, but I think closure never happens until they just accept what happened to them.

I've also had friends who never asked me out either, it was just my job to do it, but sometimes you can't really blame them.. they just don't realise this and you can tell them as gently as possible. I knew someone(s) who would complain that I never said hi to her when she never says hi to me either. She just stands there in the middle of the room, waiting and expecting. What a moron. I don't really understand this kind of behaviour. They never think about the other person's shoes.

 

[Entyqua]

I have done this many times...when Im tired of being hurt by them...I cant take them anymore...I just ignore them...They generally just stop talking to me all together...

 

[Morgain]

I have expirienced this too. A lot when I was in highschool

I found out that to keep friends you should be not so friendly to them, not changing yourself for them, not trying so hard to please or help them. Actually being a egocentric jerk. It is a real contradiction isn't it, and I'm not good at it at all. When I want to be friends to someone I tend to try to connect so much to them that they must feel swallowed up or I change myself and then they don't like me any more. You should be more like a train. Let them attach there wagon to your engine and then drive off, and they will follow you instead of you following them.

 

[Neva]

I have expirienced this too. A lot when I was in highschool

I found out that to keep friends you should be not so friendly to them, not changing yourself for them, not trying so hard to please or help them. Actually being a egocentric jerk. It is a real contradiction isn't it, and I'm not good at it at all. When I want to be friends to someone I tend to try to connect so much to them that they must feel swallowed up or I change myself and then they don't like me any more. You should be more like a train. Let them attach there wagon to your engine and then drive off, and they will follow you instead of you following them.

That's exactly what I'm going through right now. I'm trying to ignore my 3rd friend because the friendship isn't really over yet, so I'll see if he tries to reach anytime soon, if not, then the friendship isn't really worth it any more. I just don't understand how people could be so cruel for no reason and here I am being so kind to sacrifice my time to care for them when they're clearly not worth it!

 

[Nela]

Anyway, after these 3 hurtful experiences, I've decided I shouldn't care so much, but it's SO hard because as an INFJ I tend to care so much and then when I'm hurt, I tend to block everything and everyone who got me hurt this badly.

Not so very long ago I've had similar experiences with some people (friends) I trusted. so I understand what you're talking about. Being nice for everyone, trying hard to make your relationships with people work, and that not being appreciated. It hurts. Situations like this have the capacity to destroy your trust in people, but, as others have said, stopping to care about people isn't going to help you dealing with this.

What hurts me the most is how nice, caring I am and how I keep myself last when it comes to friends (no matter what, close or just friends), yet I still end up getting hurt and blamed for things that don't make sense. This teaches me a lesson that I've been thinking of lately, I should be more self centered, think of myself more rather than care for others so much and end up getting hurt.

What's important in my opinion is that you find a healthy balance. You don't have to become totally self centered, but you should be careful not only to care about someone else, as we have the tendency to do sometimes. Keep in mind that you deserve respect as well. Remember that a friendship should be a two-way process. If that's not the case, you should ask yourself whether you want to go through with it.

Anyway, I hope you can sort this situation with your friend out soon.

 

[Neva]

Not so very long ago I've had similar experiences with some people (friends) I trusted. so I understand what you're talking about. Being nice for everyone, trying hard to make your relationships with people work, and that not being appreciated. It hurts. Situations like this have the capacity to destroy your trust in people, but, as others have said, stopping to care about people isn't going to help you dealing with this.



What's important in my opinion is that you find a healthy balance. You don't have to become totally self centered, but you should be careful not only to care about someone else, as we have the tendency to do sometimes. Keep in mind that you deserve respect as well. Remember that a friendship should be a two-way process. If that's not the case, you should ask yourself whether you want to go through with it.

Anyway, I hope you can sort this situation with your friend out soon.

Thanks a lot I hope I can sort it out soon too.

 

[Top cat]

By the way, when you confronted your friends... I don't know how you did it... but in many cases I've seen people go by how you say things, not by what you are saying. So they might take offense (irrationally/impulsively) and get defensive... Some people realise this and then feel sorry afterwards though.

 

[Neva]

By the way, when you confronted your friends... I don't know how you did it... but in many cases I've seen people go by how you say things, not by what you are saying. So they might take offense (irrationally/impulsively) and get defensive... Some people realise this and then feel sorry afterwards though.

I know what you mean...like they look at your gestures & listen to your tone of voice rather than focus on what you're saying. That's true, but it's really hard to control when you're mad at someone and you just want to explode everything out in the open. I know it's wrong, but I'm afraid of it happening when I get to talk to my 3rd friend when he decides "we need to talk".