i enjoy the company of 2 friends and one of them sucks, how do i know if i'm judging too much or wri | INFJ Forum

i enjoy the company of 2 friends and one of them sucks, how do i know if i'm judging too much or wri

dj-elsa

dj-elsa

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Nov 19, 2010
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i've never driven drunk cuz my family's had about 3 deaths from it. yesterday i stayed with my friend n he kept waking me up every half hour. i'd told him i'd had some medicine that made me drowsy but he poured me drinks anyway, well he made me get up and said i invited myself over and he wanted me to go, etc etc, so of course i felt soooo unwelcome and i had to go to work in an hour. i drove home drunk. it sucked.

is that a friend, even? i like his company, but that just seems like he handed me a loaded gun, cuz even sober i'm the worst driver ont eh planet.

it's hard to find people i enjoy, but is he worth keeping as a friend?
 
Well just because he poured you drinks doesn't mean that you had to drink them. Unless you live in the back edge of nowhere there could have been alternatives to driving drunk. We often confuse that things that are difficult mean that we automatically don't have to choose them. For example, but I had to go to work in one hour--that is a consequence you choose since you probably didn't just arrive one hour before work at your friends house. I had to go to work in one hour so I drove drunk...that is your rational, not the only choice..you could of taken a cab home...but you chose not to. If you were too drunk to drive I would assume you were too drunk to go to work so it didn't really matter if it was only an hour. Unless you compounded your poor choice of driving drunk with going to work drunk. I'm not trying to sound all harsh but your post suggests that your issues are your friend's, not yours.

That being said, a good friend would have helped you make better choices or let you stay. Their actions suggest that they were insensitive. Of course this does not take into account if you really did invite yourself over and ignored or were too drunk to notice your friend trying to give you the signal that you should leave and you just wore out your welcome.

In the end, I would suggest not assigning blame to others but attempting to see how you could have a better impact on your decision making abilities and have the courage to make better choices rather than doing what was easiest.
 
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um, NO. what would even make you consider keeping him as a friend?
 
Aren't the attributes of being enjoyable company and sucking mutually exclusive?
 
birds of a feather...

well yes they are mutually exclusive, and that did suck.

so sonyab your point is very eye opening because yes, i didn't have to drink em and i could've taken a cab and yes it was in the middle of nowhere and we're kind of "activities partners" so it's what we've done every day for the past few months when we've seen each other. we get wasted n stay at one of the person's places. i offered to go home before i even started drinking, and in reality i didn't know the allergy meds were going to interact soooo much. i've never ever driven home or anywhere drunk n he's known me 13 years, so he knew that giving me liquor meant i wasn't gonna be thinking i had to go anywhere. n he wasn't trying to "score" cuz we sleep with each other regularly. but u r right, i felt so unwelcome that i must have worn out my welcome. when i gotup to leave he started saying, "you dont have to leave, you don't have to go" but some
 
I noticed that you are 33 years old. Certainly old enough to make a better choice than to drink and drive. Also, going to work drunk. Granted, we all make mistakes. However, it would appear by your last post, that you and he do a fair amount of drinking together. Maybe it's not so much of an issue to ask if he is a good friend for allowing you to drive while drunk, but more to the point; how are you really doing right now, at this point in your life. I think that it comes down to choices and priorities. Maybe you should be asking YOURSELF some difficult questions. That would help you much more, than asking us here if we feel your friend is a bad friend for you or not.
 
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Yeah, I agree with [MENTION=3096]Sonyab[/MENTION] and [MENTION=1574]Ria[/MENTION]: You're old enough to make your own decisions, and you're old enough to live with your consequences. If you'd gotten pulled over it wouldn't matter what you told the cops: It's *your* butt going to jail, not his.

You endangered lives - yours, and the others on the road with you - but I think you know that already. It's not his fault you drove drunk, but you might want to reconsider what you did, and prepare in the future. Maybe he's trying to quit, and you're not. Maybe he's upset because he doesn't know how to quit, and you're reminding him of it.

Think about how this situation can change in the future, for you. This is a decision you'll have to make for yourself - and I think you know the answer already.
 
thank you for all these responses. it's hard to face the truth but it's better than living a lie. it's true, i do need to be making better decisions. as far as me drinking, well, i've chosen a life with no husband or kids, no real responsibilities and some good investments, so i guess being in the music and club world it didn't seem so bad. teachers, my day job, have one of the highest rates of alcoholism...i think it's just time i move away and pursue the life i really want...instead of filling my own voids and deluding myself that i'm ok with how i am or how it is for me here. the only thing that's kept me here is that i get to see my parents whenever i want, but alas, i'm not a child and i need to make a better life by making better choices, beginning with teaching profession then my reasons for choosing my friends. It's true it's not his fault, totally true, and I do also believe that we are continuously influenced and bent in the direction of those we choose to surround ourselves with, even if ever so subtly, so perhaps if i find friends who themselves make better decisions this rash situation wouldn't have occurred because events would have unfolded differently. i think that's the ONLY reason i haven't become a raging junkie in teh music world...cuz either i've kept to myself or found friends from my religious community and that's kept me somewhat safe...i know ultimately it's up to me but i do like having a few close friends, even if just one. :(
 
and now that i think about it more clearly, i think what i did was incredibly immature. i should've just dealt with my hurt feelings or stayed asleep in my truck. to have my pride or ego be a justification for making a stupid decision to drive drunk for the first time in my life was idiotic. my dad's dad died when my dad was 3 due to drunk driving, my female 16year old cousin died four years ago from it, and a couple months back my dad's cousin died while driving drunk. my whole life i've been into the club scene and my dad's always made me promise i'd never drive drunk...well...i dont want to continue testing my luck so i'll discontinue going over to my friend's house, for that and other reasons. and i'll have to start chanting/meditating again so i learn how to overcome my immaturity when my feelings of being hurt are so overwhelming.
 
dj-elsa said:
.i know ultimately it's up to me but i do like having a few close friends, even if just one. :(
Click to expand...

You know, I can really relate to this feeling. Yes, it is hard - it's very hard to feel this way. However, this doesn't have to remain the case. If you really want to make more friends, I firmly believe it will become possible to find them and establish the friendships you desire. Just remember that even though things are what they are now, does not mean that they cannot change. It's not always easy, but if you want it, then it will be worth it.

Good luck.
 
Sometimes doing the right thing, is the harder road. However, the payoff at the end of each difficult day, is that you can be in that raw and honest place with yourself. It's not always pretty, but that is often times the place where you feel something of a warm strong hug from invisible arms. This kind of hug can only be felt when you are at your most honest, humble and vulnerable. It's never too late to grow up... You'll slowly find your way. Baby steps and good luck.

btw, many of us here find writing in our blogs very helpful to sort out our strong feelings. It might be something useful, and you will receive supportive feedback.
 
[MENTION=1574]Ria[/MENTION]'s one wise cookie, [MENTION=3385]dj-elsa[/MENTION]. She's absolutely right.

And the best thing you could've done for yourself was to recognize this pattern, and want to make some changes in your life. Take some of the advice from these lovely ladies here, and start making those forward strides. :)
 
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Just be thankful nothing happened. Much more than a broken friendship could've resulted from your recklessness, and not just to you. I would be cautious about choosing to drink in the company of unsupportive friends next time, or at least have a back up plan incase I'd be facing the prospect of driving home drunk, as you had.

As for whether you should remain friends with this person, that's really not for me to say. My advice would be to simply not expect people to look out for you; they could be the nicest people in the world, they could've helped you a dozen times in the past, but things still do occasionally go wrong- people become impatient, minor stresses affect their ability (or desire) to care about anyone other than themselves -and at those moments, you should have an idea of what to do next that's not going to put your or anyone else's lives at risk. Clearly your friend could've made better choices on your behalf, but the onus is ultimately on you to take care of yourself.

Forgive yourself though; blame is not going to help you here. Better just to learn from the experience, and ensure it doesn't happen again.
 
dj-elsa said:
i've never driven drunk cuz my family's had about 3 deaths from it. yesterday i stayed with my friend n he kept waking me up every half hour. i'd told him i'd had some medicine that made me drowsy but he poured me drinks anyway, well he made me get up and said i invited myself over and he wanted me to go, etc etc, so of course i felt soooo unwelcome and i had to go to work in an hour. i drove home drunk. it sucked.

is that a friend, even? i like his company, but that just seems like he handed me a loaded gun, cuz even sober i'm the worst driver ont eh planet.

it's hard to find people i enjoy, but is he worth keeping as a friend?
Click to expand...

No he's not a great friend but he didn't pour those drinks down your throat either. You chose to drink them and you chose to get behind the wheel.
 
dj-elsa said:
i've never driven drunk cuz my family's had about 3 deaths from it. yesterday i stayed with my friend n he kept waking me up every half hour. i'd told him i'd had some medicine that made me drowsy but he poured me drinks anyway, well he made me get up and said i invited myself over and he wanted me to go, etc etc, so of course i felt soooo unwelcome and i had to go to work in an hour. i drove home drunk. it sucked.

is that a friend, even? i like his company, but that just seems like he handed me a loaded gun, cuz even sober i'm the worst driver ont eh planet.

it's hard to find people i enjoy, but is he worth keeping as a friend?
Click to expand...


You made the decision, not him.
He didn't force you into it. He
did not want you at his house,
he didn't force you to drive, he
just told you to leave, which I
don't think is out of line if you
invited yourself over. You
clearly have legs. You could have
walked home. You did not have
to drive.

You also made the executive
decision to drink. Just because he
was pouring you drinks does not
mean you have to swallow them.
The only time that happens is
when you are being physically forced.


You're blaming things on him when
really, you should be blaming yourself
for getting into the situation.
 
very enlightening!

As for whether you should remain friends with this person, that's really not for me to say. My advice would be to simply not expect people to look out for you; they could be the nicest people in the world, they could've helped you a dozen times in the past, but things still do occasionally go wrong- people become impatient, minor stresses affect their ability (or desire) to care about anyone other than themselves -and at those moments, you should have an idea of what to do next that's not going to put your or anyone else's lives at risk. Clearly your friend could've made better choices on your behalf, but the onus is ultimately on you to take care of yourself.


well april, that's got to be the most enlightening answer i've heard. thank you for focusing on teh true question. to all of you that have told me that it was my choice, YES, it was my CHOICE and i DID it and i don't deny that responsibility. and i DID NOT invite myself over, and in fact i wanted to go home and sleep off mymeds, he asked me specifically to stay n drink n play video games, then went all berzerk on me, and we have done that for over THIRTEEN years, where we hang out, drink, stay over, look out for each other, and not just with me but we are from the same social circle of years and years. I'm not saying that I blame him, i'm just merely asking if you were in that situation did you think it'd be smart to continue hanging out with that person? Well, it's gotten to where i feel i'm at an AA meeting. lol i'm not questioning who's fault it was, i know it was MY FAULT< I KNOW I KNOW IT WAS MY CHOICE, i'm just wondering if you would let go of a friendship you've had that long -- i mostly make awful decisions when i'm around him, not cuz of HIM cause of ME, that i don'tmake around other people. NOt BLAMING him, just saying that for my own strange reasons, i don't act as smart when i'm around him cuz i feel i keep ending up in bad situations that i put MYSELF in, that are not presented with anybody else, when i'm around him.
 
So you want to know if we'd stop
being friends with someone if we
were drunk and they asked us to
leave their home?



No, I would not. That's a really
poor reason to stop being friends
with someone.
 
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Really examine the course of your friendship. Take stock. Weigh things out.
If you feel that your friendship with him is causing you severe emotional damage. And this incident was indeed the straw that broke the camel's back. Then that is a good reason to end the friendship.
Taking care of yourself is the most important thing. And no matter how long the friendship has lasted if it's poisonous it needs to end.
BTW, I apologize for assuming you didn't take responsibility for your actions. It sounded like you were blaming him for making you drive drunk. But you've since established that this is not the case. I"m thankful you made it home without harming yourself or another and I hope you've learned from the experience and don't do it again.
 
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dj-elsa said:
i don't act as smart when i'm around him cuz i feel i keep ending up in bad situations that i put MYSELF in, that are not presented with anybody else, when i'm around him.
Click to expand...

if being around him influences you in making bad decissions than I would certainly reexamine the relationship. How does it come that you end up in bad decissions. How do you make decissions when he is not around and what is the difference when you are with him? Does his behaviour influences you? Some people can really cloud your head and push you to do things you regret later. Or do you follow him because you want to please him, want is attention or love? What do you gain from being his friend in the first place. Is it just because it is fun? In that case you should concider what is most important to you: having fun or being responsible.

I find it very remarkable that you take responsiblity and see things clearly so quickly!!! :hug:
 
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