how to quit worrying about things you can't control

[Gaze]

How do you quit worrying about things you can't control.

I have a habit of worrying about things I can't control. I'll drive myself crasy wondering what I should've done differently to change something. This kind of thinking is a bit defeatist. You feel perpetually worried or guilty about not being in control. Thing is, if you do your best and do what you can under the circumstances, then nothing else matters.

 

[Odyne]

I think it begins with realizing what is under your control and what isn't. Your own behaviors is something you can control for example. Other people's behavior not so much, but you can also control how you respond to them.

You may control the situations you place your self in, and if you choose situations that you are familiar with you will always have the comfort of predictability, but that won't necessarily benefit in the long run.

I always think that in order to be able to control, adapt or survive a situation you have to be ready to explore it and understand it. So pushing the boundaries of your comfort zone along with a vast reservoir of knowledge will you give a much better ability to navigate or deal with unpredictable situations.

And if it's the peace of mind you're looking for, simply acknowledge your humble human abilities. We can only understand so much about the world, and we can only control so much.

 

[David54]

I have been wrestling this same issue for years. . .what has helped me immensely is meditation. . .and learning mindfullness. . as I get to the place where I realize that the situations that bring up the worry are simply my own thoughts. . . that I can choose to have them or not. . or to simiply acknowledge the thought then let them pass over me. . then I begin to have less worry in my life. .
I am not the worry. .
(that and therapy)

 

[JGirl]

How do you quit worrying about things you can't control.

I have a habit of worrying about things I can't control. I'll drive myself crasy wondering what I should've done differently to change something. This kind of thinking is a bit defeatist. You feel perpetually worried or guilty about not being in control. Thing is, if you do your best and do what you can under the circumstances, then nothing else matters.

as simplictic as this sounds, i ask myself why i need to, or feel i have to, control the thing on my mind.
if i can justify logically that it's something i'm responsible for then i deal with it on that level. i don't worry about what if's at that point - i get to the what now of it
if on the other hand it's a co dependent thing or an anxiety thing then i have to put it in a box so to speak. feel it and put it away. i don't own it.

 

[Norton]

Things you can't control are the very things you shouldn't worry about. Worry is only useful and adaptive when it motivates you to be better prepared, take action and strive for excellence, and this is only for things about which you have at least a modicum of control. That said, things you worry about rarely end up as bad as you fear, nor as good as you hope.

 

[knight in battle]

I agree with Norton. We INFJs love to control and analyze the future, but in the end, as Jesus says, "Tomorrow will take care of itself."
Taking a deep breath whenever you feel anxious.

Optional: Take a 5-minute walk, talk to someone on the phone (NFs love/need interaction), watch a Feeler-friendly movie/TV series, read NF/INFJ friendly literature (Jung, Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Dostoyevsky, contemplative literature).

 

[Nixie]

I usually go with control is an illusion, acceptance is a choice. You have to train yourself, make a conscious effort to re-program your negative thoughts. I'm sure you've seen the anger management technique of snapping a rubber band you have on your wrist when you feel angry to stopt the behavior--no? Find your "rubber band". Find a way that stops the negative pattern of spiraling worry. A saying, quote an inspirational passage--do something. After awhile, you will have trained yourself to not immerse yourself in worry and anxiety. Of course, the next step is to figure out what you get from worrying. We only engage in behavior because it does something for us. Perhaps you have a fear of failure and obsessive worrying enables you to be "pre-emptive" about failure. Or you think you need to be perfect and worrying is how you punish yourself. I don't know. There is a reason you worry and spiral though. It satisfies some emotional need. If you can identify the underlying emotional need/thought you can work at solving the deeper issue.

 

[Gaze]

Perhaps you have a fear of failure and obsessive worrying enables you to be "pre-emptive" about failure. Or you think you need to be perfect and worrying is how you punish yourself. I don't know. There is a reason you worry and spiral though. It satisfies some emotional need. If you can identify the underlying emotional need/thought you can work at solving the deeper issue.

*hits nail on proverbial head*

 

[Nixie]

Yes but you are lovely and beautiful just the way you are. You are perfectly imperfect.

 

[subwayrider]

How do you quit worrying about things you can't control.

Simple: you quit worrying about it.

 

[Radiantshadow]

There are a few lines from a song I know that you may find useful:

This city runs fast, no one has time to sit with themselves, no time to look into our pain, or see the same despair in everyone else.

It's here, it's there, it's everywhere; tears soak each card the dealers dealt,
but time taught me to see every second as heaven even though
they're perfectly disguised as hell.
And I refuse to let past bruises cover the light.
It ain't all good, but it's all good enough,
so I know I'm alright.

Agony is truth, it's our connection to the living; I accept it as perfection and keep on existing in the now.

I can only build if I tear the walls down,
even if it breaks me I won't let it make me frown.
I'm falling but no matter how hard I hit the ground,
I'll still smile.
~ Eyedea, "Smile"

We're humans. Flawed. Cracked. And that's perfectly fine - everything has more significance that way. Reflection can turn into a cage, trapping you in the past with bars made from your own fear. You keep them in place, you can bring them down. Worry about what you can change and trust the rest to look after itself.

 

[jupiterswoon]

Yes but you are lovely and beautiful just the way you are. You are perfectly imperfect.

I really don't like it when people say that, because although certainly at some point we've got to love our flaws, I feel like that's a cop out to never address or take control of the situation when it needs to be done. Certainly as INFJs we tend to want to take the reins and plan out everything perfectly far in advance, but I think breathing techniques work better than some slogan that was made up to pacify us, when in reality these same feelings will come back, and if we rely on some "lovey-dovey" slogan then we still won't have the tools to actually help us cope with the situation when it comes up again.

For me, the best way to deal with it would be what Knight in Battle said, breath, take a walk, read some literature written by similar people.