How to help my INFJ friend going through abuse..

[Morzone]

I've known this INFJ for.. lil over 4 months now. When spring break rolled around n she visited home I knew something was off with the experience she had.. Course I didn't know her well enough to know anything or pry(and I've noticed as a INFJ she is very private).

When I did find out.. Course I hated it, makes my blood boil.. She'll be home for the next two years. It's been a month n she's already considering suicide AGAIN.

With her family.. Her father abused her mother n that behavior was handed down to her sister.. Luckily she has not adopted her sister's logic and behavior, which i'm grateful for.. her sister gets whatever she wants by hurting her mother, psychologically and physically. When she asks her mother why she doesn't get anything, her mom replies "because u dont treat me like that."

I can't rlyl go into much detail.. i dont exactly ask her to explain the torment further.

But today I learned something more...


she has three choices with her life.

1: Live there as long as she needs to. She can't leave her mother to this torment, she'd rather be there with her. She cares n loves her mother more than she deserves it.. She says she couldn't live with the guilt if she left her mother.. Personally I hope she leaves, id help her with the guilt in every way i could.

2: Suicide.

3: Call the authorities. Now she says there's nothing she can do if her mother or someone doesn't back her up.. Is this true. :/ She lives in missouri..



Thanks..

 

[Kgal]

I've known this INFJ for.. lil over 4 months now. When spring break rolled around n she visited home I knew something was off with the experience she had.. Course I didn't know her well enough to know anything or pry(and I've noticed as a INFJ she is very private).

When I did find out.. Course I hated it, makes my blood boil.. She'll be home for the next two years. It's been a month n she's already considering suicide AGAIN.

With her family.. Her father abused her mother n that behavior was handed down to her sister.. Luckily she has not adopted her sister's logic and behavior, which i'm grateful for.. her sister gets whatever she wants by hurting her mother, psychologically and physically. When she asks her mother why she doesn't get anything, her mom replies "because u dont treat me like that."

I can't rlyl go into much detail.. i dont exactly ask her to explain the torment further.

But today I learned something more...


she has three choices with her life.

1: Live there as long as she needs to. She can't leave her mother to this torment, she'd rather be there with her. She cares n loves her mother more than she deserves it.. She says she couldn't live with the guilt if she left her mother.. Personally I hope she leaves, id help her with the guilt in every way i could.

2: Suicide.

3: Call the authorities. Now she says there's nothing she can do if her mother or someone doesn't back her up.. Is this true. :/ She lives in missouri..



Thanks..

Yes. That's true. As long as no children are being abused the authorities will leave the family alone until Mom decides to leave Dad for his abuse to her.

Yes. We all wish the victims would leave their abusers.

First of all you need to understand the INFJ is the one type that will hang in with a relationship looooong after it should end. There is something about our ability to view multiple perspectives when it comes to people and why they have their problems...that we find it very difficult to leave a relationship where we are not receiving the love and nurturing we need. It doesn't mean we're mentally ill or stupid or masochistic. We just have a broad empathic ability to understand why a person is the way they are and we have tolerance.

Children raised in marital abusive homes suffer from PTSD and continue to have strong emotional bonds with their parents....especially the one being abused....long in to their adulthood. They would serve themselves best if they'd seek mental health counseling specializing in EMDR or EFT. Perhaps you could assist her with that.

As for what you can do for her in the meantime...

Firstly.... you would do well to view your self as the Rescuer. If you are looking to have a long term relationship with her I can tell you those relationships never work out for the long run if one person is the Rescuer and the other person is needing to be Rescued. So learn what you can about your self with regard to this topic.

Secondly: I would offer to listen to her describe all of the episodes going on at her home when she's there....without you trying to fix any of it. Listen intently to her with your heart and try to notice her strengths while she's dealing with her family. The fact she wants to be there for her Mom demonstrates compassion and loyalty. Whenever you get the chance to interject this observation into the conversation do it while asking her if she can see that about her self.

The idea is to get her to start seeing herself through your eyes...and to confirm it within her own heart.
For example: She needs to see how she's compassionate...and also the fact she's giving it to her Mom...but not herself(by staying in an abusive household). She can't see that though...until she recognizes her own ability for compassion. Does this make sense?

Any chance you get to pull her attention away from the abusive situation and focuses upon her natural talents and abilities would best serve her now.
...and I'm not talking about superficial things like "She's pretty"...or drives a nice car...or any of those materialistic ideas. Well.... I suspect you already know that...and I do not mean any insult to you. I just want to make it clear.

You appear to care for her deeply....and I admire your willingness to seek solutions for her. I wish you great success.
Namaste'

 

[Morzone]

Yes. That's true. As long as no children are being abused the authorities will leave the family alone until Mom decides to leave Dad for his abuse to her.

Yes. We all wish the victims would leave their abusers.

:/ ugh.

First of all you need to understand the INFJ is the one type that will hang in with a relationship looooong after it should end. There is something about our ability to view multiple perspectives when it comes to people and why they have their problems...that we find it very difficult to leave a relationship where we are not receiving the love and nurturing we need. It doesn't mean we're mentally ill or stupid or masochistic. We just have a broad empathic ability to understand why a person is the way they are and we have tolerance.

Children raised in marital abusive homes suffer from PTSD and continue to have strong emotional bonds with their parents....especially the one being abused....long in to their adulthood. They would serve themselves best if they'd seek mental health counseling specializing in EMDR or EFT. Perhaps you could assist her with that.

*nod* It's one thing I really admire, their loyalty, their friendships, the bonds go very deep. n thats the thing i fear.. she'd rather commit suicide than live with the guilt of breaking it off.. :/

As for what you can do for her in the meantime...

Firstly.... you would do well to view your self as the Rescuer. If you are looking to have a long term relationship with her I can tell you those relationships never work out for the long run if one person is the Rescuer and the other person is needing to be Rescued. So learn what you can about your self with regard to this topic.

y do u say this..?.. At the moment she is like a sister to me. I'm trying to show her the family she never had, born out of a sibling RP she wanted to also try.

I don't know what will happen, we've already had that conversation many times and a relationship isnt something shes ready for, if ever, but i hope she will be, even if not me because i want her to be happy.

Secondly: I would offer to listen to her describe all of the episodes going on at her home when she's there....without you trying to fix any of it. Listen intently to her with your heart and try to notice her strengths while she's dealing with her family. The fact she wants to be there for her Mom demonstrates compassion and loyalty. Whenever you get the chance to interject this observation into the conversation do it while asking her if she can see that about her self.

The idea is to get her to start seeing herself through your eyes...and to confirm it within her own heart.
For example: She needs to see how she's compassionate...and also the fact she's giving it to her Mom...but not herself(by staying in an abusive household). She can't see that though...until she recognizes her own ability for compassion. Does this make sense?

Interesting.. It does make sense and I like the idea. Hopefully it helps because right now she's only seeing herself through her family's eyes and that just sucks.. I try to tell her differently but I'm not as convincing as someone yelling at you.

Any chance you get to pull her attention away from the abusive situation and focuses upon her natural talents and abilities would best serve her now.
...and I'm not talking about superficial things like "She's pretty"...or drives a nice car...or any of those materialistic ideas. Well.... I suspect you already know that...and I do not mean any insult to you. I just want to make it clear.

Hah, you're fine, I understand. I try to pull her away from the situation as much as I can, it's kind of my job, to give her fun. She's an amazing person and I don't mean pretty n im not idolizing her.. just a very good personality, INFJ's in general are amazing.

You appear to care for her deeply....and I admire your willingness to seek solutions for her. I wish you great success.
Namaste'

I do what I can, but it's never enough in my eyes.

 

[Asa]

I'm not sure what to add because [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] covered it so well.

I did want to say this description of INFJs is so accurate. The fact that you are by her side, believe her, and support her is so important because this is something a lot of people can't wrap their heads around and will abandon her for, or criticize her for. You'll likely be rewarded with loyalty over time.

First of all you need to understand the INFJ is the one type that will hang in with a relationship looooong after it should end. There is something about our ability to view multiple perspectives when it comes to people and why they have their problems...that we find it very difficult to leave a relationship where we are not receiving the love and nurturing we need. It doesn't mean we're mentally ill or stupid or masochistic. We just have a broad empathic ability to understand why a person is the way they are and we have tolerance.

 

[CindyLou]

agree. Great post [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION]

 

[Scientia]

[MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] said it all.

 

[Hoodie]

Suicide is never an option. I know you're probably trying to do this, but make sure she knows that.

Sending positive thoughts/prayers/vibes whatever works. <3

 

[Morzone]

Suicide is never an option. I know you're probably trying to do this, but make sure she knows that.

Sending positive thoughts/prayers/vibes whatever works. <3

All the time. But as much as I hate it, it's a risk I live with.

I'm not sure what to add because @Kgal covered it so well.

I did want to say this description of INFJs is so accurate. The fact that you are by her side, believe her, and support her is so important because this is something a lot of people can't wrap their heads around and will abandon her for, or criticize her for. You'll likely be rewarded with loyalty over time.

Time will tell. :/

 

[Pahndi]

hello, its nice of you to help them. Imo guide your friend to get out of the abusive relationship asap. Even if the price of you getting hurt by helping them is worth it. Approach the dynamic as looking out for what's best for them.

 

[acd]

Abuse becomes so normalized in a person's life, that you can start to become afraid of leaving. It feels safer in a way to stay and be abused because that is what you know. The best thing you can do is to keep helping her see it isn't healthy or normal and that she can leave. Even if you have to say it 50 times per day. It needs to be said.

Look into resources in your area for crisis centers, hotlines, domestic violence shelters for her. Even if she just calls and talks to an advocate, they may be able to help her problem solve. She may be able to attend groups with others going through similar situations and she may find some strength in interacting with people who have left this type of situation. If she is able to find a community in this area, it may be very empowering and help her take steps toward leaving.

Don't allow yourself to be sucked into the drama. If you really want to help, the two things I mentioned above are the very best ways that you can. This is coming from someone who grew up in an abusive home, was in an abusive relationship, and then worked in a domestic violence shelter for years.

She has more than the 3 options you listed, and suicide is not a viable one. But I understand the thought of suicide, part of her wants to be free. She can. She just doesn't know how. Just keep letting her know that it is an unhealthy situation for all involved and she can begin healing once she leaves it. Let her know there is help and resources for her out there. Help her look.

She may need to discover herself through her own eyes. Help her to see herself with care and compassion by treating her with respect and patience and reminding her to take care of herself. She doesn't need you or anyone else to tell her who she is. I must disagree with @Kgal here, that it will not help her to redefine herself through your eyes. You can't put that on yourself. You really are not her rescuer. You are her friend. Support her in rescuing herself. She needs the support to find herself. You can't do any of it for her, only she can do it. Creating the dynamic where you are the Rescuer and she is the Victim creates a codependent relationship.It's another unhealthy relationship dynamic because it keeps her in a vulnerable position. She needs to learn how to value herself and save herself, and with the right support, she will.

If you want to understand what she is going through, read about abusive relationships. Read about codependent relationships. The Batterer by Donald G. Dutton, Ph.D is good. So is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is another good one. There has been a lot of study about abusive relationships and the effects on those involved.

 

[James]

[MENTION=14502]Morzone[/MENTION] that sounds like a really difficult situation emotionally, I feel for you and your friend. I think [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] and [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] posts are very good advice. I have been in something of a similar situation myself as a young man (thankfully not as bad). I really like the [MENTION=564]acd[/MENTION] post in that if between you and your friend you have a plan of sorts of how to manage the situation that in itself can lower the stress and give you back a sense of power and control. That on it's own will help you both.

I had to deal with a very angry and violent older brother, who was very clever and physically immensely strong. He was prone to outburts of violence and rage, and it was difficult trying to cope with being on the receiving end of that. Eventually I managed to identify situations and triggers that would increase the risk of his outbursts, and deployed many different tactics to diffuse his anger and mitigate his violence. My parents were unfortunately older (my dad was in his 50's and in poor health) and really despite their best efforts could do little to manage him.

I worked out and made myself as physically strong as I could (this was between the age of 14 to 17, he was two years older) but I realized although this would help, I could not manage him in physical confrontation, but by being fitter I was able to limit the harm he could to me or my parents during his outbursts. I kept a bag hidden with some clothes and money so that I could make a rapid escape. I never used it, but it gave me some comfort, and that helped.

The police were called many times, but he was always able to manage his violence to avoid problems around them. Frankly I could see the police themselves were scared of him, it was almost a "we need to talk about Kevin" type thing. Eventually when I was 17 he moved onto trying to dominate my dad, and the entire house. He attacked my dad, I intervened and after a prolonged struggle (he was strong but smoked and drank and was unfit) he ran out of steam and left the house. My dad then contacted the authorities and got a court injunction preventing his return, which solved things at least for then.

You're an INTJ Morzone, so strategies are your gift. Try to find a simple plan that will reduce or stop the abuse, or at least cope with it. Is it alcohol/drug related ? Is it a stress or mental health disorder ? Are there any type of triggers that you can help your friend recognize and minimize. You may hate the person committing the abuse, but is there anyway they can be helped to stop the abuse ?

I really hope you and your friend get some luck, and that the abuse is stopped for all concerned.

Best Wishes,
James

 

[Eventhorizon]

I do not know much about this but I think there may be people who know options for helping with situations like this outside (initially) of getting authorities involved. Social workers or the like who can give ideas about how to remove oneself from an abusive situation like that.