How to get past scars from unhealthy relationships?

[jupiterswoon]

I was really hoping that by getting out of my last relationship, I could finally enjoy a good and healthy relationship. The only problem is now I'm realizing how scarred I am, and I have been experiencing tumultuous feelings due to triggers not having to do with the person I was seeing, but with my own scars.

Will I ever be able to enjoy a healthy relationship? Am I doomed to have to deal with the scars from my previous relationship over and over again?

I'd like to hear personal experiences. How long did it take you to get over hurts from the previous relationship? Do you feel like in every relationship you've revisited the same wounds from prior relationships? How often do you experience triggers from past unhealthy relationships in your current relationships?

 

[Lark]

I hope so.

 

[sassafras]

Will I ever be able to enjoy a healthy relationship?

Yes.

Am I doomed to have to deal with the scars from my previous relationship over and over again?

Is it possible to continue to repeat the same patterns over and over again? Yes. Are you 'doomed' to do so? Never. You always have a choice.

You can choose to explore and examine your past mistakes with a clear mind and an open heart, and do your best to learn from them...

OR

...you can choose not to do so.

How long did it take you to get over hurts from the previous relationship? Do you feel like in every relationship you've revisited the same wounds from prior relationships? How often do you experience triggers from past unhealthy relationships in your current relationships?

It took me a good four years to get over a four year relationship cleanly and completely. I could've done it sooner, but I made the mistake of not completely cutting off ties. I thought that there was a friendship to salvage, but there really wasn't one. Not a healthy one, anyway.

But anyway, based on that experience, I've learned that there is a point of no return when friends become lovers. When you've spent a significant time of your life growing together and becoming the people you are today, its not going to be left behind all that quickly. Even when both are in relationships with different people. You still play mind games with each other. You still get jealous, even though rationally-speaking, you both know that you're totally wrong for each other and as friends, you're supposed to be happy when the other is. But it's not that simple. It's messy. It's not a hope for a relationship any longer, but more of a game, with the grand prize being a twisted kind of validation.

At the end of the day, however, you still have your hooks in each other and its impossible to make room for the new when you're still letting the old trickle into your life.

It is much healthier when you establish firm boundaries and stick to them. Eventually, their influence will wane and you're able to open yourself up to positive experiences that help you clean up those old wounds and establish new patterns of thinking and feeling.

But it takes time. It takes being honest with yourself and not pretending everything is okay when deep down, you know it isn't. It takes throwing yourself into new experiences, new people, new adventures and not being afraid to leave the past behind.