How to deal with ENFJs? | INFJ Forum

How to deal with ENFJs?

Tamagochi

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Hi, I seek the wisdom of someone involved in male INFJ - female ENFJ romantic relationship. If there exists any.

The thing is I'm a sucker for ladies of this particular type :) But I always feel overpowered by her. And when this happens I fall back to an immature "trying to please" mode which quickly and efficiently destroys any chance for romance.

When analyzing a bit it becomes clear that ENFJs have better expressed functions than me. Her Fe ability is just ungodly good. And Se is also by a magnitude higher - therefore she is just better at coordination, crafts and looking good in general. No wonder I feel like being in the shadow all the time. Sometimes she even looks like the perfect human. Needless to say attraction from my side is immense.
:mlove2:

So guys how do you deal with this? Or at least how not to fall into a trap of becoming hopelessly amoured when she's clearly not interested?
 
Or at least how not to fall into a trap of becoming hopelessly amoured when she's clearly not interested?

You know, there is time in falling in love when we still can push the breaks to stop...I always miss that moment:) Maybe mature examples of infj can do that...hm, probably not.
 
Dont try to please an ENFJ; either please an ENFJ or dont. But dont get caught trying.
 
Dont try to please an ENFJ; either please an ENFJ or dont. But dont get caught trying.

Pleasing a woman has never worked for me to start a romance. Or maybe I'm just not good at it. It's more like an automatic reaction from me when I'm at a loss of what else to do.
 
Be very open.
They appreciate honesty and cutting right through the chase a lot. I've had an image that ENJs can read most bullshit / beating around the bushes pretty well and those actions often says something about you.

Yet at the same time, tact. Be aware of her values-- what she deemed as right and what isn't. What is acceptable and what isn't. What's funny and what's offending. Typewise, ENFJs are probably one of the most pronounced in this matter-- but those are most likely more complex, more nuanced than what they're presenting. If you have to cross them, have a valid, strong reason.
They appreciate tact, of course.

and tact =/= secrecy.
 
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The problem is when we try to please other side, we can easily appear somebody we are not...been there. Sadly, when I really fall for someone, I feel as if I lost part of me in behaviour. Maybe it is similar with you...enfjs and infjs have many similarities, we should click well, but if one side become somebody else, what would happen?
 
Also, it'd be best for you to admit on your tendency from the very beginning.....

"oops, I'm sorry, I tend to be very easily distracted and amicable when it's with people I'm crazily interested with."
Instead on waiting until she caught on your pattern.
 
What do you mean, 'How do you deal with ENFJs'? We couldn't be an easier type to deal with!

Just keep in mind that we've got a lot of people on our radar and we try and get along with everyone. If you wanna be number one in her books, you have to make sure you differentiate the relationship from a regular friendship. Give her a little bit of a chase; we like to know what makes people tick and being a bit unpredictable peaks our interest. I'm not suggesting you start playing head games or anything (we pick up on those so fast), but a bit of spontaneity and deviance from expected behavior is like a glittery ball of yarn for us.

For instance, if she has you pegged for the type to poke around bookstores, through her a curve ball and take her to a mini-putt place (it has to be somewhere you'd be comfortable and like going too, though) or drop some subtle clues about some big date you have planned in the future and watch her curiosity alight. We like people-puzzles and situations where we can bond over a shared experience.


Good luck!
 
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Thanks for the input. Playing head games is certainly not my style and would very much prefer honesty. However:
  • I'm not that good at being spontaneous(duh, guess comes with J package)
  • She always has lots of friends and admirers around her. That makes the differentiating part even harder. My superior Ni is not much of a show-off this case :) And her Fe and Se are simply better than mine.
  • It's impossible to read whether she likes me or not because she's super friendly with everyone. She always laughs at my jokes, walks together after launch, looks into the eyes - but she does that with others too!

Continuing the topic, what are the clues to look for if she's interested?
 
I don't think looking for clues is a good approach. She certainly likes you as a person if she hangs out with you. People can be weird about romance, so if you really, really want to know, it's time to ask. Is there something making you hesitant?
 
Thanks for the input. Playing head games is certainly not my style and would very much prefer honesty. However:
  • I'm not that good at being spontaneous(duh, guess comes with J package)
  • She always has lots of friends and admirers around her. That makes the differentiating part even harder. My superior Ni is not much of a show-off this case :) And her Fe and Se are simply better than mine.
  • It's impossible to read whether she likes me or not because she's super friendly with everyone. She always laughs at my jokes, walks together after launch, looks into the eyes - but she does that with others too!

Continuing the topic, what are the clues to look for if she's interested?

You're very welcome (and it's nice to see you back) :)

Just to clarify, I wasn't suggesting you adopt a spontaneous personality. I was suggesting you try something spontaneous (ie. different) from your usual fair when you're with her. Seriously, forget about functions for a sec here. It can be as simple as changing the location of where you meet or trying something new that you still feel somewhat comfortable trying. The reason I say this is because ENFJs enjoy bonding experiences and a quick way to build a bond is to try something you haven't tried with anyone else before or step out of the usual. It doesn't have to be anything crazy and you can use google for ideas. Just off the top of my head, why not take her, I don't know, berry picking? It's not hard. It's not something that many people do often. And you can have a nice, peaceful time to chat and stuff your faces with pick-your-own fruit. lol.

I'm with impurehedonism on this one. Looking for clues is only going to confuse you. ENFJs are pretty flexible personalities and we unconsciously tend to adapt to the people we're with to build rapport. We also appreciate honesty. Why not tell her how you feel?
 
Hi. I see what you mean about pleasing them. They are people pleasers too and they expect it in return, but you must stick to your integrity above all. I was in a relationship with an enfj female and a few times I had to say no to her, rather forcefully, because she would make requests in a way that seemed like nothing, like her requests were no big deal, and when I said no she would get frustrated and whiny about it like I had the problem. You just have to take the chance of losing them because you dont want to be that guy that gets bossed around all the time. They want to be treated like queens, but you have to be the king, not the servant.
 
Under normal circumstances I would talk to her (we've known each other for almost a year now). However this last case is happening at my workplace thus I need to be 110% sure that something is going on before attempting such a thing.
 
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