How much nice is too nice or not enough? | INFJ Forum

How much nice is too nice or not enough?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Mar 28, 2010.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 4 users.
More threads by Gaze
  1. Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,391
    Messages:
    28,234
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    22,339
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Just heard an interesting quote from a character, who happens to be a psychiatrist, on the TV Show House, MD :

    "Indiscriminate niceness is overrated."

    So, it got me thinking, how much niceness is too nice, and how much is not enough?


     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. randomsomeone

    randomsomeone Well-known member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Threads:
    8
    Messages:
    2,141
    Likes Received:
    309
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    So are scriptwriters for network television.
     
    Questingpoet and sumone like this.
  3. NeverAmI

    NeverAmI Satisclassifaction
    Retired Staff

    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    8,792
    Featured Threads:
    1
    Likes Received:
    950
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFP
    Enneagram:
    5w4
    Depends on what you are attempting to accomplish.

    There are consequences both for being too nice and too mean.

    I hold myself in a cordial manner to those I don't know. Interestingly, I am much less cordial to those in my everyday life.

    As I learn more, I understand how important it is to be able to 'switch off' the formalities and nice demeanor directed at those I don't know. Otherwise, many people will use that to their advantage. I am not saying that in a bad way, it is human nature to utilize those resources available and many of us don't even realize we do it.

    You have to set up your own boundaries for sure, no one else can always provide that for you.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. Soulful

    Soulful life is good

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2008
    Threads:
    249
    Messages:
    4,999
    Likes Received:
    714
    Trophy Points:
    245
    MBTI:
    Haha. Touch
     
  5. enfp can be shy

    enfp can be shy people vs the bad people?
    Donor

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2009
    Threads:
    36
    Messages:
    2,538
    Likes Received:
    290
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    enfp
    Enneagram:
    -
    What else to expect from House MD's writers to claim. Their whole moral position on all aspects of life is pretty clear and pretty boring by now. They are like the priests of holy self-interest. However, niceness is too undefined in general. Some people are effectively offending while being legally nice. Other people can show the deepest affection without even using the niceness. The niceness in itself tends to be superficial, so it is used for either goal; maybe even more often it is used for inhumane purposes, because it's such a good defense. For example, House made one of his colleagues punch him, without technically being (directly) rude. This only proves that the definition of niceness, based on our (official) communication method, is just a simple tool. It can make violent communication look non-violent and vice-versa. House actually deserved to be punched, because he was being the bully, as always, however in legal terms he would be the 'innocent victim', and the humane person against him would be the aggressor.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  6. sumone

    sumone down the rabbit hole

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Threads:
    67
    Messages:
    3,866
    Likes Received:
    222
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    infj
    I agree with NAI. I think we learn to guage our appearance of niceness as we see the reactions of other people.
    A lot of people see nice people as sucker bait so you need to be careful.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. tovlo

    tovlo Well-known member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2008
    Threads:
    61
    Messages:
    1,885
    Featured Threads:
    6
    Likes Received:
    4,909
    Trophy Points:
    1,172
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    4w5- 469
    For me, I think too nice or not enough revolves around not respecting either your own or another person's needs and boundaries in an interaction.

    1) Too nice/not respecting your own needs/boundaries:

    You need time to yourself, but feel it would be "selfish" to state this need and take that time, so you continue to engage with someone while ignoring your own needs. I think this is "too nice" and can lead easily into...

    2) Not nice enough/not respecting your own needs/boundaries:

    Same scenario, and you are beginning to feel burnt out by the situation. Because you have not acknowledged your own needs, you begin to blame your exhaustion on the other person for being "too needy" and act out in anger and judgment against them for behavior you are actually choosing. Alternatively, you may choose to completely avoid anyone else in need because you fear being weighted down, instead of engaging with clear expression of your boundaries.

    3) Too nice/not respecting others needs/boundaries:

    Someone comes to you for assistance, or just presents in a way that you perceive as being in need of assistance, and you step in to help. However, you try to get them to the place you think they should be without enlisting their mutual agreement in the process or respecting the abilities they bring to the table to help themselves. Which leads easily into...

    4) Not nice enough/not respecting others needs/boundaries:

    Same scenario. Help may manifest in making moralistic judgments about the failure seen in someone else. No attention may be given to framing assistance constructively or understanding other effective ways of being.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Trifoilum, Moxie and Gaze like this.
  8. Sam

    Sam Regular Poster

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2009
    Threads:
    6
    Messages:
    106
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    There are certain boundaries I think that come in place when dealing with people: you can be nice without it taking anything out from you, but also possess a sense of self-respect to protect these boundaries. As long as niceness doesn't come with the price of self.
     
  9. beetpoet

    beetpoet Community Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2010
    Threads:
    16
    Messages:
    169
    Likes Received:
    18
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    infj
    very helpful analysis! thank you tovlo.

    i work on a team. when faced with a challenging person my cohorts might sometimes support one another's judgments or more cynical interpretation. but often they'll say "let's ask 'miss sweetness and light' for her gentle interpretation". because usually i have some empathy for the challenging person or their situation. which keeps a balance. i think we each need the other's approach.

    still, i think sometimes i hide behind my niceness and accepting nature because i don't know my own opinion yet, i am nervous about being assertive, or i don't want to invest in the other person enough to show them my honest self. this is something i think i'll have to continually work on through life.

    people in my life who know me the most intimately are really the only people i feel comfortable to feel/show any frustration, annoyance, disappointment with. someone once joked that a friend won't ever hear anything but encouragement and acceptance from me until they've known me about seven years. but the deepest and dearest relationships really do require being willing to lovingly challenge and assert a difference of opinion occasionally. i think people want and need that honest feedback from someone who loves them.
     
  10. OP
    Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,391
    Messages:
    28,234
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    22,339
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    I'm with you. Struggle with similar issue.

    Same here. I value being able to be honest with those I know very well. Niceness can be a crutch, preventing you from expressing that part the self which wants to breathe without having to censor it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. Ecton

    Ecton Community Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2010
    Threads:
    4
    Messages:
    894
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJr
    I'm still working through this one, and I don't know the answer.
    All I can say is that having had kids, I've had to stop being so nice. Reflexive accommodation is not a great parenting style. And its probably not the best way to find true relationships, either, but I'm still testing this theory. I can see that my Mom was always too nice, and my Dad not quite nice enough. But I don't know where the real balance should be.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. Moxie

    Moxie Absent-Minded Professor

    Joined:
    Oct 31, 2009
    Threads:
    45
    Messages:
    1,519
    Likes Received:
    150
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Is it bad that I wish more people were simply nice? Tovlo's response was excellent - too nice is doing for others without putting yourself into consideration, but many people really aren't nice enough. It doesn't take much to be nice or kind. Wish more people were.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Questingpoet likes this.
  13. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

    Joined:
    Dec 27, 2009
    Threads:
    197
    Messages:
    6,503
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,727
    Trophy Points:
    380
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    6w5
    House.

    My ENTJ friend who's admiring him tell me this principle; "don't find nice people. Find good people."
    The rationale being, good people is genuinely good in heart, but empty niceties -is- empty niceties. In the end, it's an empty void. Nice Guy Syndrome is based on this empty niceties.

    And I generally agreed. (My response, "I'll find good and nice person, then.")

    I think so far, I generally apply the golden rule. If it hurts them, if it annoys them, then it's too nice, or not too nice. Because.....
    When I'm more close to someone, the feeling of need to be nice (to be considerate, to not offend, to not be tactless) arises more and more, alongside the feeling to be honest. This feels kindof conflicting, because it sounds like covering oneself and they won't see the true you when you're covering yourself, but the need to be tact, to be considerate, to be gentle and caring... is still there, and should be there, honest or not. That's what I think.

    The concept of Keigo a.k.a honoriffic speech in Japan is one I held and use....to the outside world, so I think the difference would be the fundamentals beneath; when I'm not really close, I use niceness to shield myself. When I'm close, I use niceness to express myself better.

    I'm sorry, I'm ranting again, Am I not?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Gaze and TinyBubbles like this.
  14. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

    Joined:
    Jul 2, 2009
    Threads:
    20
    Messages:
    1,382
    Likes Received:
    96
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Enneagram:
    9w1
    I don't think 'niceness' is doing too much for others and burning yourself out. I'd called that altruistic.
    I define 'niceness' as the personality = kind, considerate (especially of boundries), thoughtful, tactful etc. But not self-sacrificing. Or dishonest.
    So, in that sense, there can never be too much niceness :)
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  15. SuperFob

    SuperFob Regular Poster

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2008
    Threads:
    9
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I'm polite to people, but I'm not nice. I deliberately refrain from displaying any kind of warmth to people I see and meet. When I've been nice to people in the past, it put me in a vulnerable position I don't particularly care for. So, if anything, I've made it a habit to give off an impression of being detached.
     
  16. sriblanc

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    MBTI:
    INTx
    I think the world in general could do with aeons more niceness. It is for this reason a person with, at minimum, a decent heart could get taken advantage of. Opportunistic people who have neither the ability or will to consider the welfare of other people are the ones that you can be too nice to.
    They often pounce upon niceness (they see it as a weakness) and use it to their advantage without ever considering wether their selfishness causes your own detriment. For the regular person, who is simply trying to make it through life and not cause harm to others, there is no such thing as too nice. So I guess what it boils down to is being able to be balanced, having the ability to discern the motive of other people, and having a decent amount of emotional intelligence.






     
  17. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

    Joined:
    Oct 27, 2009
    Threads:
    245
    Messages:
    9,346
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    2,229
    Trophy Points:
    966
    MBTI:
    ^.^
    Enneagram:
    .
    i think when it becomes forced it is too much. nobody wants niceness that isn't sincere, after all. and you'll be compromising your integrity by displaying it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. OP
    Gaze

    Donor

    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2009
    Threads:
    2,391
    Messages:
    28,234
    Featured Threads:
    99
    Likes Received:
    22,339
    Trophy Points:
    1,906
    MBTI:
    INFPishy
    Agree.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
Loading...

Share This Page