How much nice is too nice or not enough?
- Thread starter Gaze
- Start date
Depends on what you are attempting to accomplish.
There are consequences both for being too nice and too mean.
I hold myself in a cordial manner to those I don't know. Interestingly, I am much less cordial to those in my everyday life.
As I learn more, I understand how important it is to be able to 'switch off' the formalities and nice demeanor directed at those I don't know. Otherwise, many people will use that to their advantage. I am not saying that in a bad way, it is human nature to utilize those resources available and many of us don't even realize we do it.
You have to set up your own boundaries for sure, no one else can always provide that for you.
There are consequences both for being too nice and too mean.
I hold myself in a cordial manner to those I don't know. Interestingly, I am much less cordial to those in my everyday life.
As I learn more, I understand how important it is to be able to 'switch off' the formalities and nice demeanor directed at those I don't know. Otherwise, many people will use that to their advantage. I am not saying that in a bad way, it is human nature to utilize those resources available and many of us don't even realize we do it.
You have to set up your own boundaries for sure, no one else can always provide that for you.
What else to expect from House MD's writers to claim. Their whole moral position on all aspects of life is pretty clear and pretty boring by now. They are like the priests of holy self-interest. However, niceness is too undefined in general. Some people are effectively offending while being legally nice. Other people can show the deepest affection without even using the niceness. The niceness in itself tends to be superficial, so it is used for either goal; maybe even more often it is used for inhumane purposes, because it's such a good defense. For example, House made one of his colleagues punch him, without technically being (directly) rude. This only proves that the definition of niceness, based on our (official) communication method, is just a simple tool. It can make violent communication look non-violent and vice-versa. House actually deserved to be punched, because he was being the bully, as always, however in legal terms he would be the 'innocent victim', and the humane person against him would be the aggressor.
For me, I think too nice or not enough revolves around not respecting either your own or another person's needs and boundaries in an interaction.
1) Too nice/not respecting your own needs/boundaries:
You need time to yourself, but feel it would be "selfish" to state this need and take that time, so you continue to engage with someone while ignoring your own needs. I think this is "too nice" and can lead easily into...
2) Not nice enough/not respecting your own needs/boundaries:
Same scenario, and you are beginning to feel burnt out by the situation. Because you have not acknowledged your own needs, you begin to blame your exhaustion on the other person for being "too needy" and act out in anger and judgment against them for behavior you are actually choosing. Alternatively, you may choose to completely avoid anyone else in need because you fear being weighted down, instead of engaging with clear expression of your boundaries.
3) Too nice/not respecting others needs/boundaries:
Someone comes to you for assistance, or just presents in a way that you perceive as being in need of assistance, and you step in to help. However, you try to get them to the place you think they should be without enlisting their mutual agreement in the process or respecting the abilities they bring to the table to help themselves. Which leads easily into...
4) Not nice enough/not respecting others needs/boundaries:
Same scenario. Help may manifest in making moralistic judgments about the failure seen in someone else. No attention may be given to framing assistance constructively or understanding other effective ways of being.
There are certain boundaries I think that come in place when dealing with people: you can be nice without it taking anything out from you, but also possess a sense of self-respect to protect these boundaries. As long as niceness doesn't come with the price of self.
very helpful analysis! thank you tovlo.
i work on a team. when faced with a challenging person my cohorts might sometimes support one another's judgments or more cynical interpretation. but often they'll say "let's ask 'miss sweetness and light' for her gentle interpretation". because usually i have some empathy for the challenging person or their situation. which keeps a balance. i think we each need the other's approach.
still, i think sometimes i hide behind my niceness and accepting nature because i don't know my own opinion yet, i am nervous about being assertive, or i don't want to invest in the other person enough to show them my honest self. this is something i think i'll have to continually work on through life.
people in my life who know me the most intimately are really the only people i feel comfortable to feel/show any frustration, annoyance, disappointment with. someone once joked that a friend won't ever hear anything but encouragement and acceptance from me until they've known me about seven years. but the deepest and dearest relationships really do require being willing to lovingly challenge and assert a difference of opinion occasionally. i think people want and need that honest feedback from someone who loves them.
I'm with you. Struggle with similar issue.
Same here. I value being able to be honest with those I know very well. Niceness can be a crutch, preventing you from expressing that part the self which wants to breathe without having to censor it.
I'm still working through this one, and I don't know the answer.
All I can say is that having had kids, I've had to stop being so nice. Reflexive accommodation is not a great parenting style. And its probably not the best way to find true relationships, either, but I'm still testing this theory. I can see that my Mom was always too nice, and my Dad not quite nice enough. But I don't know where the real balance should be.
All I can say is that having had kids, I've had to stop being so nice. Reflexive accommodation is not a great parenting style. And its probably not the best way to find true relationships, either, but I'm still testing this theory. I can see that my Mom was always too nice, and my Dad not quite nice enough. But I don't know where the real balance should be.
Is it bad that I wish more people were simply nice? Tovlo's response was excellent - too nice is doing for others without putting yourself into consideration, but many people really aren't nice enough. It doesn't take much to be nice or kind. Wish more people were.
House.
My ENTJ friend who's admiring him tell me this principle; "don't find nice people. Find good people."
The rationale being, good people is genuinely good in heart, but empty niceties -is- empty niceties. In the end, it's an empty void. Nice Guy Syndrome is based on this empty niceties.
And I generally agreed. (My response, "I'll find good and nice person, then.")
I think so far, I generally apply the golden rule. If it hurts them, if it annoys them, then it's too nice, or not too nice. Because.....
When I'm more close to someone, the feeling of need to be nice (to be considerate, to not offend, to not be tactless) arises more and more, alongside the feeling to be honest. This feels kindof conflicting, because it sounds like covering oneself and they won't see the true you when you're covering yourself, but the need to be tact, to be considerate, to be gentle and caring... is still there, and should be there, honest or not. That's what I think.
The concept of Keigo a.k.a honoriffic speech in Japan is one I held and use....to the outside world, so I think the difference would be the fundamentals beneath; when I'm not really close, I use niceness to shield myself. When I'm close, I use niceness to express myself better.
I'm sorry, I'm ranting again, Am I not?
I don't think 'niceness' is doing too much for others and burning yourself out. I'd called that altruistic.
I define 'niceness' as the personality = kind, considerate (especially of boundries), thoughtful, tactful etc. But not self-sacrificing. Or dishonest.
So, in that sense, there can never be too much niceness
I define 'niceness' as the personality = kind, considerate (especially of boundries), thoughtful, tactful etc. But not self-sacrificing. Or dishonest.
So, in that sense, there can never be too much niceness
I'm polite to people, but I'm not nice. I deliberately refrain from displaying any kind of warmth to people I see and meet. When I've been nice to people in the past, it put me in a vulnerable position I don't particularly care for. So, if anything, I've made it a habit to give off an impression of being detached.
I think the world in general could do with aeons more niceness. It is for this reason a person with, at minimum, a decent heart could get taken advantage of. Opportunistic people who have neither the ability or will to consider the welfare of other people are the ones that you can be too nice to.
They often pounce upon niceness (they see it as a weakness) and use it to their advantage without ever considering wether their selfishness causes your own detriment. For the regular person, who is simply trying to make it through life and not cause harm to others, there is no such thing as too nice. So I guess what it boils down to is being able to be balanced, having the ability to discern the motive of other people, and having a decent amount of emotional intelligence.
They often pounce upon niceness (they see it as a weakness) and use it to their advantage without ever considering wether their selfishness causes your own detriment. For the regular person, who is simply trying to make it through life and not cause harm to others, there is no such thing as too nice. So I guess what it boils down to is being able to be balanced, having the ability to discern the motive of other people, and having a decent amount of emotional intelligence.
i think when it becomes forced it is too much. nobody wants niceness that isn't sincere, after all. and you'll be compromising your integrity by displaying it.