How do you handle knowing someone’s secret problem and the solution?

Depends on how personal the issue is. What’s the context?

 

Stop trying to save people from themselves and let them fail. Let them suffer. That's their job to figure it out. Focus on your own life.

 

In my experience, words and information are rarely enough to change another's course. People tend to change when their lived experience causes them to re-examine their course. So, even if you told them, it may not matter.

 

Not exactly sure what the op is talking about, but when I see someone doing something the wrong way, I take over and do it right, explaining what I'm doing.

If a friend is cooking meat wrong, guaranteeing it'll be tough and bland, I'll butt in, and cook it right, then share some of it with them.

 

To elaborate on the ambiguity of the OP’s question, we don’t know if they know someone who’s being courted by a serial killer or if the person in question is perhaps certain that copious amounts of stool softeners provide the perfect umami in the baked goods they’re about to invest their life savings in a storefront to sell.

 

If people wanted to learn, they would have by now (adults). At least they'll get one properly cooked steak this year.

If anyone asks me how to do something, I'll help and show them, but otherwise it's invariably a waste of time. The exception is the workplace, where people are being paid to get things right

 

I think I'll just watch and be there when they ask for it unless perhaps if it was illegal, puts a life in grave danger, then I'd do what I can to protect. If they are genuinely in need of outside POV, I could ask politely if they'd like to hear my views or I'll just drop the bomb then wear my shades and walk away.

 

I think there’s a big difference between physical skills like cooking and emotional issues. The latter are often the tricky ones which people struggle to come to terms with, or seek change. Often I suspect people know deep down what their emotional problem is, so telling them might annoy them, or it’s simply a place they aren’t comfortable going to. I bet I’m not the only one who can recall wise advice years ago which I didn’t take. We are often good at making excuses for avoiding wisdom.
But in general, as most know, we are well placed as INFJs to help others, especially when it comes to advice and self improvement. We definitely shouldn’t avoid doing that, but there is a lot of sense in not taking on too much and focussing on our own goals because life is short and precious. We also tend to accept some flack for helping others, because our compassion and care for others is often greater than our immediate sensitivities, and we can usually differentiate between what a person thinks of us and the truth (bigger picture). Maybe our alienation actually plays a useful part here. Our relative detachment allows us to act like a 3rd party, based on our subjective assessment of what the best objective actions to take are. We will suffer (no Fi in top 4 functions) to get a good outcome for others (Fe) based on Ni-Ti assessment.

 

Hm. Tough spot for sure.

I'd put a clock on this. "I can help you for another month but you need to find long term help because I can't help you anymore." That sort of thing. And of course stick to the clock and stop helping after that point.

 

I think you are answering your own help thread. Often when we feel conflicted about something, it is because we know what we really should be doing and we are not acting in accordance to our morals and values. Either we have to change our morals and values to match our behavior or we have to acknowledge that we are not following our own ideas and change our behavior.

You do not want to be helping this lady. You feel guilty about setting boundaries with her, for whatever reason you feel like you need to help her despite the negative toll it is having on you. You highlight her codependency, but that is behavior you are mirroring back to her.

I think the reason you are drawn to helping this lady and so distressed by her at the same time is that you see your own behavior in her actions and you are using her as a distraction from yourself. The reality is that you have no obligation to help her and you're stressing yourself out over this for no reason. If she wants your help, she will respect your boundaries. If she won't respect your boundaries eventually you will have less and less contact with her and she will lose what little of a relationship she has, like has happened in the past. You may feel like you are having empathy for her by dealing with her despite her issues, and we ALL have issues, but clearly she is not learning certain social rules and you are in some sense enabling her by continuing your relationship at the behest of yourself. If she is a danger to herself you can send a report to social services but honestly, at this point, listen to yourself and respect yourself. Stop guilting yourself for communicating your needs in a relationship and feeling hurt when you aren't getting them met. You are not being paid to take care of her, if this was a professional situation yes it doesn't matter if the relationship is mutually beneficial because you have a financial incentive. That's not the case here.

Really. Listen to yourself. You're the one saying all of this, not me. It's scattered in your post.

 

Your solution is to tell her something?

I feel like I've missed something [significant] here. Telling people what's wrong with their life approach hasn't yielded good results for me. Perhaps I'm doing it wrong?

That being said. If you feel it could lead to professional counseling, it may not be a bad idea. Judging by your personal perspective of their situation, that's what they need.

What do you think? @MsLonelyHearts

 

There is no right way or wrong way, things just are. She seems to be putting a lot of pressure on you to continuously be her source of attention, and if you're not happy with that then don't give it to her. You don't have to justify your actions to anyone, remember that, nor do you need to keep accommodating someone else at the cost of your own mental well being. Everyone has their own issues, no matter who you are.

Decide what you want, or don't want, and go from there. Go in that direction.