How do I deal with my "best" friend? | INFJ Forum

How do I deal with my "best" friend?

ce_matin_la

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Aug 7, 2011
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We have both just graduated from separate colleges, and have been best friends for almost 10 years; our families have known each other for much longer, as we're related by marriage. I'm, of course, an INFJ, and she's definitely an E---. This difference isn't bad, as I like having all kinds of friends, but I feel that she and I are growing apart because our personalities are now drastically different. Living 500 miles from one for four years made these disparities much starker. Initially, it was just our tastes in music that changed, but as time went on, things such as belief systems, values, and world views shifted. As someone who tends to want deep, meaningful friendships with people who have similar world views, these changes have been difficult to reconcile with our long friendship and the many things we've experienced together throughout a decade. In order for you to understand what I'm having aspects I'm having problems with, I must explain our differences first:

1. I value compassion and empathy, which she does not. Ex. We found out about a tragedy that killed a mutual friend's 20-year-old cousin. I have been dwelling on this tragedy for the past three weeks, and it's been an incessant thought in my mind. My friend said, "They [the family of the dead] need to get over it and stop embarrassing themseles. Their kid was stupid and didn't follow the rules." I was angry when she said this, and said that people shouldn't talk about the dead that way, as all the couldhaveshouldhavewouldhaves won't bring a family's dead child back. My friend misunderstood me, and said, "Exactly." I gave up, and became incredibly disappointed in her lack of empathy.

2. More on empathy: She has a hard time putting herself in others' shoes. She doesn't care about humanitarian causes, while I do. She thinks vegetarianism is dumb. I don't. She makes fun of people, which I cannot stand.

3. She tends to be delusional about relationships with people. Ex. She's liked this guy for two years, and admitted this to him just last year. He told her he doesn't feel the same way. About a week later, he drunkenly slept with my friend's roommate. My friend still believes he likes her, but thinks he just can't admit it for whatever reason. I told her that she should just forget about the whole thing and move on, but I know if I kept saying this, she would think I'm jealous. After everything that has happened, she still thinks there's hope. For the past two years, all she has talked about is this guy; we have 2 hour phone conversations where she explains everything in detail, and repeats the same things over and over again. During these conversations, she doesn't stop to ask what's new in my life.

4. That takes me to my next point: She's self-absorbed, and doesn't tire of talking about herself, her achievements, how everyone loves her, etc.

5. She doesn't accept that people are just human, and make mistakes. A couple of years ago, I dated a guy who used me to pass the time. It was the ONE time I let my guard time, and got my heartbroken because of it. Instead of comforting me after it ended, she said, "Not gonna lie, dude, but when you told me you were seeing him, I thought it was a bad idea. My first impression of him just told me. And he was ugly." My other friends consoled me, and showed me how to think of the situation objectively, while my "best" friend made me feel more like a fool.

6. She doesn't keep my secrets, so I stopped telling her any.

7. She's a show-off, and also tries to present herself as a martyr or bleeding heart.

8. She thinks I'm always wrong, and she's always right. This is demonstrated even when I say a word and she questions the pronunciation, even though I'm right.

9. If I have any successes, I can hear the jealousy in her voice when she congratulates me. She has even told me she is a envious person.

10. She has flat-out told me she doesn't like my friends, even though they haven't done anything to her. She doesn't agree with their lifestyles, even though it's none of her business. Interestingly enough, she's still friends with the roommate who slept with the guy she likes.

11. She doesn't have a problem with making fun of people, even her own parents in front of her friends. She does this for laughs, but it's not funny. It's awkward and shameful. Moreover, she's bossy and believes she has the best taste in everything.

12. We don't discuss things I'm interested in, and our conversations tend to be superficial (when she's not talking about herself, which is seriously rare). She's good at school, but not intellectual, so she has potty humor. She's "religious," but not spiritual, and isn't interested in discussing life. For example, when we were 15, my beliefs started to change, and I told her I didn't believe in God anymore (I don't know where I stand on this matter to this day), and she freaked out, saying, "You'd better get your ass back into it." This is coming from someone who doesn't know a single thing about theology, and only went to youth group to socialize. Also, she's self-righteous and boasts about how she prays for everyone she loves. I joked that she is like the Pharisees. She didn't know what I was referring to, and I didn't feel like explaining it.

I'm FAR from perfect. This I readily accept, as I don't strive for perfection. Doing so would be in vain. But it's no secret that I have completely different values than my supposed best friend, whom I can't even turn to for emotional support. I couldn't even tell her about how my family is falling apart due to my father's affair, because I absolutely don't trust her, and I can't count on her support. She would just become judgmental, and continue talking about her guy problems, and how she's so "depressed" because of them. The problem is that she thinks we're the greatest best friends who have ever lived. I'm sorry this is such a long rant, but I don't know where else to turn for support.

So, my question is, how do I deal with my "best" friend?
 
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I met my best friend in high school. We'd been friends since we were 14. I had always thought she was a kind, empathetic person.

After my first boyfriend dumped me, she told me he'd asked her out and she'd accepted. I told her (and myself) that our friendship was more important than any guy, and we remained good friends, although it was difficult for me.

As years passed, she admitted things to me, such as being jealous of the flirty, casual way I spoke with guys, and how I dated the popular guys in local bands. It was weird and uncomfortable.

She got married and had a child, but she spent a lot of time out at bars, flirting and grinding with random guys on the nights I was out with her (once every month or two, as I was married with children). She went out every weekend, and I heard about other things she had done on those nights, but could never confirm. I was disappointed in her behavior, but stayed silent on the subject, figuring I had no right to judge her. This was when I really started to notice how different she had become, or how different our values were.

One night, she confessed she blamed me and one other friend (my current best friend now) for her situation. Apparently, had we been around her and there for her more often, she wouldn't have spent so much time with this one guy who had knocked her up and then been obligated to marry him. She further confessed that she'd like to give her daughter to her mom for awhile, to just disappear and party, etc. I felt this to be absolutely heartless and appalling, especially considering that our mutual friend is unable to have children, though she would dearly love to be able to have a child.

I have since cut this selfish, envious, toxic person from my life.

Friendships evolve and need maintenance like any other type of relationship, imo. Just because you've been friends for many years doesn't make this any different. The purpose of having a friend is to be there for each other, and your situation sounds pretty one-sided. While I can't advise you on what you should do, terminating the friendship was the best choice for me.

While you have listed the many negative behaviors your "friend" engages in, I haven't seen anything as to her positive qualities or why you choose to remain friends with her. You need to decide if those positives outweigh the negatives, because what you've listed doesn't sound like any kind of friend to me.
 
It just sounds like you guys drifted apart... or you outgrew the relationship. You're not obligated to be best friends, people change and so do relationships. If you feel you don't have any solid foundation to start again from, then you may need to just let things run their course.

I had a best friend that this happened with... We knew each other since she was 11 and I was 12.. were friends all throughout grammar and Jr. High and High School... The relationship was like this: She was very wild and impetuous and I was very careful and stable. We were kids, we had a lot of fun and had the same interests.. But beyond that, there really was not much common ground.

The majority of our friendship consisted of me trying to be a good influence on her and keep her out of trouble or at least cover for her. The beginning of the end came when she went to rehab because her dad found cocaine on her (Even that was a surprise to me.). We kept in contact though it, wrote every day.. but when she came back my family ended up moving and we lost touch completely. I did spend years and years wondering about her--if she was alive somewhere doing well, she was always very intelligent and athletic so I could envision her at a good school.. or very successful... either that or I worried she was out on the street.

I finally did track her down and we talked on the phone twice. Her life was a wreck, she was on drugs, alluded to being a stripper, her father had disowned her after she got pregnant from her abusive boyfriend and adopted her son out.. It was all a mess and my heart broke for her, but there wasn't anything I could do. She didn't seem interested in any of the help I suggested to her. She never once asked me how I was or what I was doing or what had happened in my life over the past 8 years..Yet through it all, she tried to enlist me to help her plan elaborate lies for a guy she was interested in and then she proceeded to put all her eggs in that basket. It was really sad. She wasn't the person I used to know, or I wasn't the person I used to know.. but I realized that a mutual friendship would have been impossible with her. So we stopped talking. She never called me and I only called her twice.
 
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4. That takes me to my next point: She's self-absorbed, and doesn't tire of talking about herself, her achievements, how everyone loves her, etc.

6. She doesn't keep my secrets, so I stopped telling her any.

9. If I have any successes, I can hear the jealousy in her voice when she congratulates me. She has even told me she is a envious person.


11. She doesn't have a problem with making fun of people, even her own parents in front of her friends. She does this for laughs, but it's not funny. It's awkward and shameful. Moreover, she's bossy and believes she has the best taste in everything.

So, my question is, how do I deal with my "best" friend?

I can really sympathize with you. I wish I had more advice. I have a "best" friend who does the same things above. But at the same time, she has a lot of other really nice qualities (takes time to see me, calls me, makes plans with me). But I'm still on the fence about everything, because although she's so nice, she still gossips a lot about people. We have a bad past as well, because she tried to steal my ex-boyfriend before (my bf refused). She told everyone that it was a lie and that I made it up. But everyone knows the truth, even her own friends are against her because they actually saw it happening. One of them even commented, that it didn't even make sense I would lie about something like that. She doesn't know that I know she's been saying those things behind my back. So far she thinks I'm absolutely clueless, but I have another bestie who is who I consider my true bestie (the one in the cat mask :p) who told me what was happening. I just let it go, and never say anything. I don't know, maybe I'm just a coward. I just have the feeling that someday I'll disappear for good from her. I'm already getting distant from her. But since me and my true bestie are mutual friends with her, I don't think I can break the tie completely.

So I agree with Dream Echo on this:

While you have listed the many negative behaviors your "friend" engages in, I haven't seen anything as to her positive qualities or why you choose to remain friends with her. You need to decide if those positives outweigh the negatives, because what you've listed doesn't sound like any kind of friend to me.

I see a long list of negatives too, and I think they might be unbearable for the average person... Find another friend that you deserve. :3 I know it's easier said than done... I wish I had more advice.
 
Thank you for the advice, guys. It's nice to have others' perspectives on this situation. You're right, I didn't list any positive qualities. She's very helpful; she tries to stay in touch; she's emotionally stable and isn't into drugs and all those things; she defends her friends; and she's respectful. But the longer I know her, the more I notice her negative qualities. Maybe it's just a phase she's going through, but I'm afraid it'll get worse with time.
 
It doesn't hurt to keep in touch from time to time. It won't be the same, but at least it will still be there.

But I get it, damn us INFJs! We find it so emotionally draining to a) decide to drop a relationship you've put a lot into that's turned toxic and b)put energy into making new "best" friends. I don't have close girlfriends any more. My last two did me wrong and I don't do well with betrayal. I have my husband and a sister and I'm seriously cool with that. I have good friends and co-workers I spend time with, but it will be a long time until I take the time to nurture that type of relationship again, if ever! Call me jaded.

Ugh! That's it, I'm venting...

So my last close friend and I go back to kindergarten and these are pretty recent events BTW. After college I drifted away from all of my close girlfriends except her. Unbeknownst to the both of us, we plan our wedding dates a week apart. I plan on going to hers and because mine is a destination wedding, I understand she can't attend mine for financial reasons. I spend a lot of money on my plane tickets, gift, incidentals but most importantly choose to spend the time to spend with her instead of preparing for my own wedding. But I'm happy to because I wouldn't miss her big day for the world. Fast forward a week later and I get a congrats text. Okay... I don't hear from her a couple months later and it hits me, I didn't get a thank-you card or wedding card/gift from her. This pisses me off royally because I know she is totally a "Hallmark Card" type person and spent a million years picking out her wedding invitations. About 8 months go by and I see her online and figure it's been too long, so I shout-out to her. The bitch downright ignores me. Really??? >DING< I'm done.

It may sound petty, but she's a "details" person and this is truly as aggressive as she gets. I have no idea what I did to her, but she should let me know. If she picks up the phone, sure I'll talk to her and be nice, but I've dropped our friendship because I don't need the drama or anyone around me who is too feeble to talk to me.
 
I can understand where you are coming from. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I think sometimes people push you too far and you owe it to yourself not to put up with it. My former "best friend" was so similar to what you described... lack of empathy for others, superficial conversations, insensitivity, overall selfishness, etc. I'd been friends with her for about 10 years, and she's always been the same. And when she moved, it made the friendship more difficult. We're not friends anymore, and if you're interested in hearing a boring drama-fest (lol), here's why.

A few years ago, I was flying up to visit her. The day before, my boyfriend dumped me out of the blue. We hadn't been dating more than a couple of months but it was my first "real" relationship, so of course I was upset. However, I've never been the type to sulk and ruin other peoples' days (that's the type of thing SHE did). But when I get there, do I get a nice hug or maybe some comforting words? No, instead she reminds me several times "You better not be sad this whole time." Then I spent about 75% of my time that weekend hanging out with her and her boyfriend, and on the last day I was there, she was suddenly giving me the silent treatment from the time we got up to the time I was at the airport, and as I was about to leave she tells me she's mad at me because I didn't tell her 'thank you' for driving me around all weekend. When I got home, I was so over it that I sent a long email yelling at her and didn't plan on speaking to her again.

Several months later, after being harassed with apologies from her, I decided to be her friend again. Things were alright even though it quickly became more and more obvious that she was not only the same person, but becoming worse. She became extremely superficial and even more self-involved. She got engaged, and I agreed to be in her wedding, because I was doing my "duty" as a friend. Long story short, I flew up there several times with money I don't have for various wedding duties, and she still ended up giving me the silent treatment and (after much prompting on my part) admitted she was mad at me over something ridiculous again. That's when I realized my mistake of ever giving her another chance. As much as I wanted to avoid having an enemy, and keep a long term friend, I had put myself through so much unnecessary stress over that friendship. I was trying my best to please someone who couldn't care less about my feelings. Not to mention the wedding was out of state and I was about to spend hundreds more dollars on this person. So, with the encouragement of my family/friends, I told her I wouldn't be in her wedding and that we weren't friends anymore. I'm not at all proud of it and I wish it hadn't come to that. But at that point I needed to put my foot down.

I guess if I have any advice for you, it's to not let it come to that. If her positive qualities are worth sticking around for, then by all means, remain friends with the girl. But if you're like I was, slowly realizing that the positive qualities in no way make up for the overwhelming bad ones, then do yourself a favor and let the friendship die. I, personally, would rather just slowly distance myself from someone until eventually the friendship ends over time. And if you feel bad about it, it's because you're a very decent person, but remind yourself that you still do deserve friends that treat you right.
 
[MENTION=4520]ce_matin_la[/MENTION]
Why is this girl your best friend? Do you connect with her particularly well? I say don't keep her just because you've had her for a long time unless you have good reason. Valuing very different things from your best friend doesn't have to change your friendship. I would say to confront her on every single one of these issues. Tell her how bothered you are. If she can make an effort to change for the better or at least start out with a good long talk with you about it, then maybe you'll have some promise. If not, then maybe it's time to let go. You deserve to associate people who will treat you well.

[MENTION=4587]jesin[/MENTION] wtf
 
Erm. okay.

I'll say it again. Please DON'T.INVOLVE.ME in your posts.

[MENTION=4587]jesin[/MENTION] Sweetie, no one in this post was involving you prior to your comment. Are you doing ok? This is not an attack. Is there anything you would like to tell us about your emotional or mental health? I would love to understand you better if you would like to share.
 
All you really need to be friends is for both of you to want a friendship.

I have a long term friend from High School who is a born-againer. She is having a terrible4 problem now with the fact that I'm committed to being a Jew. I'm basically giving her a bit of space to get her thoughts out, so that she knows Ive heard her. But at some point she will simply have to accept me for who I am.

That is true for you and your best friend as well. It's not the differences that end a friendship, but whether one person can tolerate the differences.

If I were to read between the lines of your OP, it sounds like YOU aren't sure you want to remain friends with HER.
 
You will need a length of piano wire for starters...
 
Friends come and go with the ebb and flow of life. A lucky few will stay, and some may return later. Accept that "it is what it is." We all have choices, you can continue to let her cancer grow inside you or cut it out. Drifting apart is probably the best thing for you (if it is mutual), you avoid conflict that way.

I have five best friends in my life (who know all about me.) Most of them I met within the past three years and then there is my first best friend from high school. We lived far away for 15 years and rarely spoke, but when we did ... it was as though time did not pass. She is more prevalent in my life now as I am experiencing some things she has been through. I'm thankful for texting and FB. It keeps me more in touch with friends/family without expending energy. :)

My best friends have all this in common: mutual respect and trust, despite our differences. Those two things are a MUST.
 
Friends come and go with the ebb and flow of life. A lucky few will stay, and some may return later. Accept that "it is what it is." We all have choices, you can continue to let her cancer grow inside you or cut it out. Drifting apart is probably the best thing for you (if it is mutual), you avoid conflict that way.

My best friends have all this in common: mutual respect and trust, despite our differences. Those two things are a MUST.

Agreed. I'm actually a big fan of taking a break. I had a best friend from childhood who I drifted apart from and I found myself becoming bitter and overwhelmed by her flaws. My polite attempts to express frustration or needs weren't working so I let her know that "We're taking a break." That was it. Worked like a charm. Without a huge conflict, she heard the message and knew I was serious. I took some time to develop other relationships and get some space. It was better that way than either burning the bridge forever and dealing with a permanent loose end OR continuing to let it dissolve until I snapped and hated both of us for letting it get to that point. Eventually, it would have becoming irreconcilable. Breaks are wonderful. We're still friends, though not as close as we were and that's okay. I respect myself and I have a more balanced view of her. It's good.