I am an ISFJ female. How can I better communicate with my INFJ boyfriend? Many times I say to him "I thought you forgot about me" because he doesn't feel the need to have many/and or long phone conversations or do things together in public, such as going out to eat, etc. - to use these opportunities to get to know one another better. Just this weekend he cancelled going out to dinner twice because he said there would be too many people there. He says if he tells me he likes me, that should be enough, and there is no need for all that communication. How can I better understand how to communicate with him? How can I tell if he likes me?
How can an ISFJ and INFJ Better Communicate with One Another?
- Thread starter lesad
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Well, there has to be some willingness to compromise. Someone who says, something doesn't matter because it's not important to them, misses the point of what it means to work together in a relationship. Caring about what the other partner wants or needs is essential to making the relationship work. If they don't recognize that, then there are going to be some issues. This situation seems to reflect what is described as the autonomy/connection dialectic in interpersonal communication, where one partner wants to spend more time together, connecting as a couple, while the other wants more time alone or feels there is no need to spend so much time together. But time together helps to build the bond between couples and helps to cement the relationship. It makes partners feel connected. There needs to be some compromise or both partners may become more dissatisfied with the relationship as it progresses.
My sense is that the best way to communication is to let him know what you need, but do that in a non-judgmental way that communicates this is not something you judge him for not already knowing he should be doing, but just your personal need that you are asking him to help meet. Then ask him for what his needs are and see if there are ways you can help him that won't exceed your resource boundaries.
For example, if you need to go out on public dates and receive a regular phone call to experience love, then let him know that you have this need and ask if he would be willing to do that for you so you can feel secure. If he mocks you for that need, I would consider a couple things. If you feel strong enough to continue to educate him about the validity of your needs even if they aren't the same as his, continue to engage and see if you can help him understand your unique needs better. I would feel concern though if he is mocking you for the expression of need that he is not mature enough to be in a relationship, where conflicting needs regularly have to be navigated. One possibility if he does respond negatively to your expression of need is that he is misinterpreting it as a judgment of his preferred behavior and lashing out defensively. To combat that possibility, just be very clear that you are not judging his way of being. You will have to be very sure within yourself that you are not judging him as wrong for having different needs than you in order that your words and actions don't conflict with what you are directly saying.
As it concerns his needs, it sounds like he needs a bit more space and is uncomfortable in greater group settings. Talk with him about what he is uncomfortable with and try to be respectful of that in him as well. Let him know when an event is really important to you and ask him if he'd be willing to overcome his discomfort to be there with you, but then be willing to let go of less important events and try to find his love for you in those quieter private moments too.
For example, if you need to go out on public dates and receive a regular phone call to experience love, then let him know that you have this need and ask if he would be willing to do that for you so you can feel secure. If he mocks you for that need, I would consider a couple things. If you feel strong enough to continue to educate him about the validity of your needs even if they aren't the same as his, continue to engage and see if you can help him understand your unique needs better. I would feel concern though if he is mocking you for the expression of need that he is not mature enough to be in a relationship, where conflicting needs regularly have to be navigated. One possibility if he does respond negatively to your expression of need is that he is misinterpreting it as a judgment of his preferred behavior and lashing out defensively. To combat that possibility, just be very clear that you are not judging his way of being. You will have to be very sure within yourself that you are not judging him as wrong for having different needs than you in order that your words and actions don't conflict with what you are directly saying.
As it concerns his needs, it sounds like he needs a bit more space and is uncomfortable in greater group settings. Talk with him about what he is uncomfortable with and try to be respectful of that in him as well. Let him know when an event is really important to you and ask him if he'd be willing to overcome his discomfort to be there with you, but then be willing to let go of less important events and try to find his love for you in those quieter private moments too.
End your relationship. You're clearly not happy and you don't accept him for who he is.
I don't mean to be a bitch but you shouldn't have to change him.
Also, if he's your boyfriend, if he's consistently giving you his time, if he explains why
he doesn't want to do things instead of just cancelling without a word, he likes you
at least on some level.
I don't mean to be a bitch but you shouldn't have to change him.
Also, if he's your boyfriend, if he's consistently giving you his time, if he explains why
he doesn't want to do things instead of just cancelling without a word, he likes you
at least on some level.
As much I hate to be a jerk. I agree this sounds like a fundamental difference in ideology.
But at the same time I think its important to consider options.
You need to read these pages. And talk with your boyfriend and what you both want. I get the feeling you want different things. He wants a deep meaningful love that isn't as obvious on the surface and he won't jump through hops that appear to make someone happy because its the routine. As an INFJ male I feel this way. And I simply won't. For example. I won't say I love someone if I can't say. that I feel that way that day or moment. That pisses some people of. But INFJ males and females refuse to be inauthentic if at all possibe .
As an ISFJ you want normalcy and social normal expressions of affections. Security and the appearance of normalcy are important. You want what most would consider romantic and that's fine but I don't know if you can get it from your guy.
Read the following and talk to him about the issue. And respect that he may not be able to give what you need.
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ISFJ.html
http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INFJ.html
Also here is a good overview of the NF type
http://www.davidmarkley.com/personality/idealist.htm#NFIntro
I disagree with these two bolded points.
I saw nothing in the original post that indicated that she did not accept him. I saw an expression of conflicting need and a request for help in navigating that need. Conflicting needs are pretty much a given within any relationship and both parties in a relationship will likely change as a result of navigating those conflicting needs. This doesn't seem to be about one person changing another, but two people needing to change with each other in order to maintain a workable relationship.
Part of being in any relationship is learning to balance one's own needs with those of our partner's. Its relationship 101. Most people who've been in long term relationships will probably tell you that, although you have to respect your individual differences as partners, a relationship needs willingness to balance concerns and desires in order to sustain it over a long period of time. It's never as simple as accepting or not accepting them. And if someone cares about their partner, they will on some level care about what that partner wants or needs.
I don't think this is about changing who someone is; i think it's realizing that apart from being individuals in a relationship, we don't often realize that the relationship is it's own person. If you don't feed it, clothe it, and nourish it, it will not sustain itself. It can't simply be about the right to be me vs. the right to be you.
Maybe try inviting him out someplace quieter? INFJs can get very tired if they're around people and he might want to be in a situation where he can give you his full attention.
Why not go to your house and make dinner together? Try to make something you both like and you'll really get into it, I'm sure.
He could be feeling drained emotionally as he's probably putting a lot of mental pressure on himself in the relationship, while not much of that actually shows (INFJs set up camp in their heads from birth and sometimes it's a struggle to get out).
Maybe he's sad you don't want to be with just him. Maybe he sees it just like you - that you're 'forgetting' him. My ISFJ friend talks to people a lot when in groups - do you do that? He might want to have more time just as the two of you.
I'm just guessing, but it's worth a shot.
Hope things get better.
Why not go to your house and make dinner together? Try to make something you both like and you'll really get into it, I'm sure.
He could be feeling drained emotionally as he's probably putting a lot of mental pressure on himself in the relationship, while not much of that actually shows (INFJs set up camp in their heads from birth and sometimes it's a struggle to get out).
Maybe he's sad you don't want to be with just him. Maybe he sees it just like you - that you're 'forgetting' him. My ISFJ friend talks to people a lot when in groups - do you do that? He might want to have more time just as the two of you.
I'm just guessing, but it's worth a shot.
Hope things get better.
I think that's fair, but I also think that's outside the scope of what is being discussed here.
I guess we have a different prospective. I've worked to hard to be me to give it up to make someone happy.
Maybe try inviting him out someplace quieter? INFJs can get very tired if they're around people and he might want to be in a situation where he can give you his full attention.
Why not go to your house and make dinner together? Try to make something you both like and you'll really get into it, I'm sure.
He could be feeling drained emotionally as he's probably putting a lot of mental pressure on himself in the relationship, while not much of that actually shows (INFJs set up camp in their heads from birth and sometimes it's a struggle to get out).
Maybe he's sad you don't want to be with just him. Maybe he sees it just like you - that you're 'forgetting' him. My ISFJ friend talks to people a lot when in groups - do you do that? He might want to have more time just as the two of you.
I'm just guessing, but it's worth a shot.
Now that's one hell of an idea. I would be totally up for that.
Granted sometimes going out can be good. I know my limit and when it hits it hit hard. And nothing can bring me out of that. Well expect for allowing a recharge.
I would also beware of anyone using their type to justify behavior which could be easily considered neglectful, dismissive, or inconsiderate. Type is not a justification for not paying attention to a partner, especially if that partner is doing all they can to meet their SO's needs.
I think the thing here is that we don't know her boyfriend's perspective. If he understands her need, he might be fine (and not feel it a compromise of his sense of self) to make a phone call once a week and go out on a public date every so often. You might. I think both are totally legitimate, I just value that the discussion would be had between the two people involved before assumptions are made about the workability of the relationship.
Honestly, INFJ ISFJ relationships are incredibly awkward, which is no one's fault. They are just.... awkward.
I went to this website to try to help me better understand INFJ's. I think I need to talk with him again, but make sure it's in a non-judgmental way so that he doesn't think I'm attacking him. I appreciate the people who gave me support on here.
That's nice of you, only appreciating the people who said things that tickled your fancy
You're welcome for giving you my time/thoughts/opinions like you asked!
Even though you clearly don't appreciate them