Hinting versus Asserting

[Peace]

There are very few things that annoy me in communication as much as when people choose to hint rather than make a direct assertion.

When a person wants you to change your behavior in some way, I find it very rude for them to choose hinting as their means of conveying that request.

Hinting is usually phrased as a question or a hypothetical and it does not communicate very effectively what you want and how badly you want it. Furthermore, some people seem to assume that hints are as obvious to everyone else as they are to them, and so when the message does not get through, they tend to get angry or frustrated. Examples could be...

"Do you like really like that color?" as opposed to "I don't like that color very much, let's look at something else."
"Are you ready to get out of here?" as opposed to "I want to go home now."
"Could you have found a nicer way of saying that?" as opposed to "I felt what you said was rude, please apologize to her."
"That isn't the way I would do it." as opposed to "This is the way it needs to be done."

The worst kind of hints are inferences of motivation which not only fail to communicate the specific behavior change that is desired but act to emotionally manipulate. You might recognize these as...

"If you don't do [blank] that means you don't love me."
"If you do [blank] that means that means you are just trying to show me up."
"If you complain about [blank] that must means you are no good at it."

If a person wants to take hinting to the next level then they turn it into an accusation.

You don't care about my tastes at all.
You aren't very considerate of my time.
You could care less how what you say affects others.
You don't care about doing things the right way.

What amazes me is that this kind of communication passes as the norm nowadays. A good direct assertion is specific and concrete. A good rule of thumb is if you can put "Please" in front of it, you are making an assertion as opposed to a hint.

Please pick a different color.
Please take me home now.
Please choose your words more carefully and consider apologizing to her.
Please do it the way I want it done.

The reason I bring this particular issue to this board is I find that hinting is a fairly personality type specific phenomenon. The type that I see use it most often are NFs. I'm not sure why but I would love to hear opinions.

And to a few members out there please note that if you start throwing accusations at me that infer my motives for this thread, that you are kind of proving my point.

 

[Odyne]

I think it's because Feeler types confuse being assertive for being forceful. It's not about being demanding or stringent, it's not about being rude to others and selfish about one's needs. Being assertive simply means being clear.

One can be assertive and outspoken while remaining polite and kind.

 

[Matt3737]

hinting
present participle of hint (Verb)
Verb:
1.Suggest or indicate something indirectly or covertly.
2.(of a thing) Be a slight or possible indication of: "the restrained fronts of the houses only hinted at the wealth within".

as

 

[technics]

One can be assertive and outspoken while remaining polite and kind.

Yep, that's the art.

 

[Feelings]

Hinting is usually phrased as a question or a hypothetical and it does not communicate very effectively what you want and how badly you want it. Furthermore, some people seem to assume that hints are as obvious to everyone else as they are to them, and so when the message does not get through, they tend to get angry or frustrated. Examples could be...

"Do you like really like that color?" as opposed to "I don't like that color very much, let's look at something else."
"Are you ready to get out of here?" as opposed to "I want to go home now."
"Could you have found a nicer way of saying that?" as opposed to "I felt what you said was rude, please apologize to her."
"That isn't the way I would do it." as opposed to "This is the way it needs to be done."

That isn't hinting as much as it is sensitive phrasing. And changing the phrasing changes the meaning as well. Softer phrasing indicates more openness to discussion on the matter. Harder edged phrasing indicates less openness to discussion on the matter.

The worst kind of hints are inferences of motivation which not only fail to communicate the specific behavior change that is desired but act to emotionally manipulate. You might recognize these as...

"If you don't do [blank] that means you don't love me."
"If you do [blank] that means that means you are just trying to show me up."
"If you complain about [blank] that must means you are no good at it."

Whether or not such statements are manipulative depends on its genuineness. A person may literally believe what they are saying, as opposed to using it to gain your compliance.

If a person wants to take hinting to the next level then they turn it into an accusation.

You don't care about my tastes at all.
You aren't very considerate of my time.
You could care less how what you say affects others.
You don't care about doing things the right way.

To me, those read as more expressions of feelings than stating something as a matter of fact.

 

[Peace]

An accusation, by definition, is an assertion. The rule of thumb refers to a demand or request, if done politely, which are also types of assertions.

I don't want to get into semantics. I could find definitions which agree with my stated position and it doesn't really add anything to the discussion.

 

[Peace]

That isn't hinting as much as it is sensitive phrasing. And changing the phrasing changes the meaning as well. Softer phrasing indicates more openness to discussion on the matter. Harder edged phrasing indicates less openness to discussion on the matter.

What you call "softer phrasing" is what I consider rude and impolite. I put the opposed statements to indicate what the individual's true message was, since without it, you would not understand the context of what was being hinted.

Whether or not such statements are manipulative depends on its genuineness. A person may literally believe what they are saying, as opposed to using it to gain your compliance.

That would be considerably worse.

To me, those read as more expressions of feelings than stating something as a matter of fact.

How can statements which infer the feelings or motives of others be considered "expressions of feelings"?

 

[Peace]

I think it's because Feeler types confuse being assertive for being forceful. It's not about being demanding or stringent, it's not about being rude to others and selfish about one's needs. Being assertive simply means being clear.

One can be assertive and outspoken while remaining polite and kind.

Agreed. And perhaps I will simply have to accept such timidity as a part of some people's nature.

 

[Gecko]

One can be assertive and outspoken while remaining polite and kind.

I agree, completely.

I do like a middle term on it. I don't like forceful people, I also don't like cryptic social games, tends to annoy me.

 

[JGirl]

i say exactly what i mean, and mean what i say. and i try to do it tactfully whenever possible.
i rarely make the mistake of thinking i will get that in return, however.
most people beat around the issue, or use saccharin euphemisms that are often vague or come off as seeming a bit passive aggressive.
like [MENTION=4700]Peace[/MENTION] i would prefer to hear it outright thanks.

 

[Odyne]

Agreed. And perhaps I will simply have to accept such timidity as a part of some people's nature.

Perhaps, but if it's someone you're involved with or you care about you could definitely help them grow in that regard. :]

 

[Vict]

Some people don't budge, yours truly included.

It becomes a matter of you need to fit into my way of doing things.

 

[endersgone]

For me, it really depends on the circumstances (certain things require a more sensitive/open approach), but I usually try to avoid using unclear/ vague hints. I know someone who does this all the time, and it can become quite tiresome... which is why I constantly have to ask them to be a bit more clear/concise about what they actually want.

 

[Odyne]

Some people don't budge, yours truly included.

It becomes a matter of you need to fit into my way of doing things.

That's not necessarily assertive, but it is necessarily stubborn.

 

[Vict]

And how.

 

[Odyne]

Assertiveness is about speaking openly about one's opinions, needs, sentiments, etc. Like I said, an assertive person is able to clearly communicate what's on their mind, as opposed to hinting where one's intentions or desires are concealed with figurative and indirect speech.

Key word: communication.


Stubbornness is about hardheadedness and an unyielding nature in one's attitude or opinions. Inability to compromise, change, adapt, lack of flexibility. It's easily mistaken for strength, assertion or confidence when it's not (and strength and confidence are easily mistaken for being stubborn as well).

Key word: attitude.


They may all overlap in the eyes of others, but in essence they're quite different traits.

 

[bionic]

Assertiveness is about speaking openly about one's opinions, needs, sentiments, etc. Like I said, an assertive person is able to clearly communicate what's on their mind, as opposed to hinting where one's intentions or desires are concealed with figurative and indirect speech.

Key word: communication.


Stubbornness is about hardheadedness and an unyielding nature in one's attitude or opinions. Inability to compromise, change, adapt, lack of flexibility. It's easily mistaken for strength, assertion or confidence when it's not (and strength and confidence are easily mistaken for being stubborn as well).

Key word: attitude.


They may all overlap in the eyes of others, but in essence they're quite different traits.

Yup. Pretty much, this...

I think people tend to confuse what is and what is not. There's nothing wrong in communicating clearly what you want and need. If anything, it's a nice gesture in these times when most people are more keen on manipulation games. I think a strong, confident person would be more willing to understand someone else's side if the individual was clear and solid in what they need and/or want as well.

Personally, I don't notice hints. I need someone to say it for me directly or I just won't get it. In some ways, I like that since I can't stand mind games and dishonesty. To me, passive-aggressiveness is a form of dishonesty because you're really are in denial of your behavior and actions when you beat around the bush. When someone hints, it tends to come off as if they have a sense of fear in themselves or a fear of taking some sort of direction. It's very hard for me to respect someone that is fearful since it shows how much you cannot be dependent on them when you're in need. When someone cannot simply say "No.", " I need it this way.", etc... it makes me feel very mistrustful of that individual since the last thing I want is to waste my time trying to understand, when the signals given are just muddy.

 

[Trifoilum]

I think it's because Feeler types confuse being assertive for being forceful. It's not about being demanding or stringent, it's not about being rude to others and selfish about one's needs. Being assertive simply means being clear.

One can be assertive and outspoken while remaining polite and kind.

I think this closes the thread. >_>;

It's just some people chose NOT to be forceful, or rude, or offending. Some people are quicker to defend against things they perceive offending (and who else other than NFs who are afraid of hurting others?); thus the need to soften the blow.
You can't please everyone. Assertion can mean crudeness. Clarity can mean assuming. Politeness can mean manipulative; kindness can mean being a doormat.
Changing the format of the message is a way to both declare your intentions, -and- shape your message according to it.

When a person wants you to change your behavior in some way, I find it very rude for them to choose hinting as their means of conveying that request.

Hinting is usually phrased as a question or a hypothetical and it does not communicate very effectively what you want and how badly you want it.

Also, the power of the statement also varies, no? As you said that hinting does not communicate what you want or how badly you want it very effectively... So is being assertive can sometimes being overkill. Maybe the person, for one or various reasons, does not have that INTENSE need. Disturbed, but not distraught. Annoyed, but not angry.

One can has doubts. One can has ambivalence. One can has cheese burgers. One can understands why one does it but does not approve of it. One can disagrees with another's action but does not insist change on either party. Since when are emotional range of humans so........ simple? :|

I understand how it can be manipulative, confusing and/or indirect. Or how it may bothered you. It makes perfect sense, and it's perfectly understandable.
To put it bluntly, however, I don't think the world has to follow your standard.
....again, different people, different way of doing things.