HELP! ENFP trying to read an INFJ | INFJ Forum

HELP! ENFP trying to read an INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by somewhereovertheocean, Oct 16, 2016.

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  1. somewhereovertheocean

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    So, there is a lot to my current situation. Please hang in there with me. :)

    I am in my mid 30's and just moved overseas this summer to start a new job. I am at a weird place in life where I am (maybe?) coming to terms with my sexuality. I have been religious most of my life, which might be cause for blooming late in this area. I have tried in the past to ignore some of the attractions that I would feel towards other women and was hoping that starting over in a new place would help.

    And then wham. The INFJ walks in.

    There are a lot of fragments to this story and without sharing too much detail this is what you need to know: there are a lot of blurred lines.

    She is in leadership at my current company, although she is not my boss. And she is in a relationship, more along the lines of a long term partnership, with a man. They do not live together, although they have lived abroad "together" for the past 10 years.

    Shortly after meeting her, I assumed she was gay. A group of us actually all did, until we were informed that she had a male partner who she didn't live with and wasn't married to. It is something that has come up in conversation frequently as they appear (and I understand that appearances can be deceiving) to be activity partners but don't seem romantically invested. When we first met, I wasn't attracted to her and didn't think much of it.

    And then we got to know each other. We spent an entire night drinking wine at her place and doing a lot of talking (reflecting back, she asked a lot of questions and I did a lot of talking). It was impossibly easy to talk to her and I opened up with her about being in a weird place with religion (something I am not open about). She asked me a lot of questions but in true INFJ fashion, did not share much. I have learned through later conversations that her family is quite conservative and religious and so we have shared many of those experiences. I've started to wonder if we might have more in common than we realize as she strikes me as possibly being closeted as well.

    I feel like I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I would NEVER seek out someone who was invested in a relationship with someone else, so being deeply attracted to someone who a) is seeing someone and b) might not share the same feelings, is new. I don't ever want to be that person.

    I've read a lot about the INFJ/ENFP connection and it has really been other worldly. I feel her in a room and that is not an understatement. We have a tendency to exchange long glances and I swear, I have never experienced anything like the INFJ eye contact. In some ways, it even scares me.

    The more I have gotten to know her, the more tense I feel around her, so in some ways, I'm sure she senses that. She is impossibly smart, which I find both attractive and intimidating. I'm at the point now where I'm having trouble reading her. She is inconsistent in our interactions (but I am also). In a large group setting she will often ignore me, but stealing glances still occur. She seems to go out of her way to find ways to conversate with me one on one or in small groups, but I can't always tell why. She frequently texts me, which seems out of character for her. Sometimes it is out of the blue- lots of "ideas" of community togetherness initiatives we could start at our company. Those conversations many times end up becoming more personal in nature (nothing too personal- but about new places we've tried and liked in the area, places I should go, etc. It is always "helping" o or problem solving which I know is an INFJ thing)

    However, when I text or contact her, sometimes her responses are more choppy and inconsistent. If she doesn't initiate the conversation, it usually won't last for too long. Then I overanalyze everything. HA!

    I don't really know what to do. I can't fight the attraction to her. I don't REALLY want anything to come from it because it could only bring about drama and we are in a small community. But I so desperately want to know her better and wish I could be in a room alone with her without getting flustered. I think the key is going to be in getting to know her well enough that she no longer intimidates me, but it's hard to do when it takes so long for INFJ's to open up.

    I know this is ridiculous, but for the love of God, someone please help me. :)
     
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  2. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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    You better MAKE her love you
     
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  3. Zen

    Zen Community Member

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    Obviously you have deep feelings for her. The fact that you wrote this post proves it.You say you don't want anything to come from this but I find it hard to believe. The fact that you want to be alone in a room with her is asking for trouble. A lot can happen. I think you have to be honest with yourself. If you think you love her and you want to go further you better make sure she feels the same way. From your post she seems hot and cold. Is she being that way because she doesn't want anything to happen? Is she afraid something is going to happen? Does she even have the same feelings about you and does she even have the courage to leave her current relationship?

    If you truly do not want anything to happen than let her go. Stop torturing yourself and end it. If you want something to happen you better be ready for everything that comes after.

    I'll share with you something very personal. That is how I met my current wife. She was in an unhappy marriage and we both intuitively knew we could be so great together. She is an ISFJ. Great combo by the way. ISFJ/INFJ. The separation was very difficult and we were both judged harshly. I lost a lot of friends and respect from people that use to care for me. It was very hard to take. Up to this day I have no regrets and I am truly happy. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. If I had to do it again I would. From this experience I have developed a warrior attitude. Things do not get to me as much anymore. People can be so self righteous. If this is what you want, be ready for everything that comes after. Karma is not something we experience in a future life, it is experienced in this lifetime; in the here and now based on our decisions and actions. If you are true to your heart and she as well, everything will work itself out in the end.

    I wish you well.
     
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  4. James

    James Infamy, infamy.. they've all got it infamy
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    @somewhereovertheocean I think you are feeling a very intense charge over the potential for a relationship with this person. That can feel great but ? I think it can also be potentially dangerous for both of you. I think it may help if you can clarify in your own mind, just what you are feeling/thinking and why. If this is going to happen, I think your friend (as this is what she is currently) may benefit from doing the same.

    I think all of the decisions about what you do/dont do need to be yours. I appreciate there have been other posts here, but they are based on their experiences, which are personal to them, not you. From my own personal experience ? Any kind of relationship which is unclear or may involve a third party or complication can be very difficult. My former partner ( I am recently separated) left her previous husband - but not because of me. She felt terrible and treated me appallingly at times, as though it was all my fault. It was destructive and wrong, but this is the kind of thing that can happen.

    In no way do I want to discourage you, if you could be happy together, but I would urge you to think things through very carefully and encourage her to do the same. Something very basic I missed when I got together with my former partner, was how she treated others. Although she was initially loving and kind to me, she was not so to people she disliked. Eventually I was one of those people and received the same treatment.

    I think the main danger to my mind, might be how you would feel as people if you get together. Infj's have a great capacity to torture themselves if they cross their own moral boundaries, and I can guess enfp's can also be this way. It may help to look back on your own post, and some of the things, like capitals etc you have used to stress certain things, and why you may have done that. What drove that emphasis? I'm not being a critic, but it may or may not tell you something about what's going on internally.

    On a different note, I think you should liberate yourself about your sexuality. It is a natural impulse, gender does not matter in the slightest, which is evidenced all across nature itself. Religion is usually interpreted by humans, not a diety. Dimiss any conflict you have felt. You are who you are, and as nature/god intended.

    Take care and best wishes.
     
    #4 James, Oct 17, 2016
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2016
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  5. OP
    somewhereovertheocean

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    Thank you for the responses. They are really all valid. I wish my head could tell my heart to take a hike. ;) It continues to be difficult. At this point, I'm not sure what to think. My feelings for her come in waves. Sometimes I'm able to be logical with myself and other times I'm just trying to hold on. Ha! I'm beginning to feel like my feelings for her might be one sided, but again, she is tough to read. i think she is more open with me than she is with most. I often feel that I pass far too easily for being straight (which is sadly part of why I struggle to come out), so she might not think anything of me. I do think something in each of us clicks with the other, but I can't figure out what it is. I have a tendency to easily fall for people with strong leadership skills, so I'm not sure if that is part of the attraction too. She is a puzzle, but one that I can't help but want to piece together.
     
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  6. Aluni

    Aluni Community Member

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    Just focus on being genuine and yourself. My husband is an ENFP and the first thing that attracted me to him was that. Hes someone I can be my true self around and that is GOLD!
     
  7. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    One magical moment makes life worth living! Sounds like you are both quite capable of dealing with heartbreak & taking care of yourselves. Great guru @ electricwavelengths@gml
    fact: not all infj's are the same, & some will blow your fucking mind, some will even rip your entrails out if you cross their or their loved one's dark side, and some... well let's just say they're cosmic forces of energy - actually all that could encompass 1 bc that's just the tip of the berg.
    Good luck and happy trails xxxo


     
  8. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Perhaps try replacing 'heart' with 'fear'
     
  9. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    than just do it swoooosh
     
  10. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Wanna know something phenomenal? INFJ here. She spoke to no 1, she just knew. Wonder would happen if we all just took a year of silence.
     
  11. Aneirin

    Aneirin AKA, David
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    so. . you are both adults, right? You already know what you want, or at least your heart does. it seems that she is interested in you, if not she would not be reaching out randomly via text. That seems a dead giveaway of INFJ expressing interest in someone. and since you respond, she senses a mutual feeling. of course I speak from my own point of view and how I would react and act if I felt someone was interested in me and I in them. .
    Listen to your heart, it knows your truth
     
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  12. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    ?
    why not ask her?? God did his job
     
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  13. JustPhil

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    OP hasn't been on here since 2017 ... hope she worked everything out to her satisfaction .. it should be a rule that if you post a question like that, that you come back and tell us how it all panned out .. :tearsofjoy:
     
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  14. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    I know silence and darkness like galadriel knows
    The most fundamental lesson I learned once upon a time: simple house drawn on chalk board. Foundation labeled trust. Walls labeled communication. roof, protection, etc
    house represented relationships of all forms. Communication is lost for me here, but I understand your needs & come in the peace of Galadriel. muah*
     
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  15. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Apr 27, 2019
    my response was to this statement: I know this is ridiculous, but for the love of God, someone please help me. :)

    I'm scared of place like these. no 1 understands me. I have to go. I'm sorry for confusing you. I'd never do that
    insert fucking sad face. phhhhhhhhheewwwwww emotional overload. I was kind. time to hide
     
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  16. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Absolutely! Again, my apologies for my earlier response. Severe sleep deprivation & a wk of emotional overload with minimal to no alone time, among other things.. Wow?! I was overly sensitive & way off. Thanks for understanding & your kind msg. xo
     
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  17. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Indeeeed a great combo..
    As a child I was ISFJ but quickly developed into INFJ...
    Carl Jung actually typed himself as either ISTP or INTP (former in childhood & latter in adulthood)
    The possibilities are endless, AREN'T they?
    Have you ever experienced karma, & if so, please share : )
    R
     
  18. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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    Strengthen your inner self by removing all toxic relationships to
    I have a feeling she wants you to do more than piece her together.. let go of fear & LIVE
     
  19. btg3ar

    btg3ar Regular Poster

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