Going from dating older men to dating younger men | INFJ Forum

Going from dating older men to dating younger men

Artemisia

Artemisia

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May 20, 2014
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I think I am done with dating men in their 40s. As a 32-year-old woman, I've had some bad experiences with dating single/divorced men in their mid-40s these past five years. It seems that they are either narcissistic or immature at that age and I find that men my age or a couple of years younger are way more mature than the 40-year-olds plus they want a relationship whereas the older guys seem to want friends with benefits or no string attached.

What is going on with single and divorced men in their 40s? And have other INFJ women here gone the same way as me?
 
You reach a certain point and decide long term commitment is unacceptable. Older folks are more likely to want that and are less likely to suffer a jackass.

Certainly some immaturity and all that. Life can feel boring or frightening.

So, younger women.
 
Ha ha ha. I can see so many buttons being pushed here.

Yes date younger men. I have no doubt it will work out much better for you because older men are less mature then younger men. Reasoning like that must allow you to lead a...chaotic life. Maybe you should focus more on WHO you date before anything else.

What you will get with most younger men is more energy for the most part. Not in all cases though. Even though my metabolism has been effected due to past sickness etc I still maintain more energy that many 20 year olds from what I can gather so its not true in all cases.
 
[MENTION=11526]Artemisia[/MENTION] as long as there isn't a power differential (teacher/student, boss/subordinate, etc.) or a particular relation between you, why should the age of your partner be an issue. Why should you date only above or only below your age? I don't get it.
 
generalizations by age are tricky. Some will fit the bill, but others may not. I've noticed that men in mid late 20s to mid 30s are still focused on establishing themselves financially, etc. so they are less likely to focus on long term commitments. Depending on your goals, or similarities in paths or directions, you can find someone older or younger. It depends on where you're looking, the current dating pool, type of people you're dating, etc. At mid 30s, 40s isn't really much older anymore. As you get closer to 40, much of those age differences even out, and don't matter as much as when you're in 20s, early 30s. Question is, instead of dating by age, date by qualities, consider what are you looking for in a partner? Who is spiking your interest and why? If you feel you're not attracting the kind of people you want to date, consider what's attracting you to them? As we get older, we become more self aware and start to notice more about how we think, and why we behave the way we do. I remember wanting to date older and realizing it wasn't right for me, but it could work for someone else. It's best to know yourself, what's really important to have, not just a list of wants, and also be aware of the general tendencies of people you are dating. Older men tend to be more "traditional" in their expectations, and tend to fit some old school gender role stereotypes than modern generations. They're looking for you to fit into their life, not vice versa. If this is how they think, they're going to expect you to conform to how they feel, rather than vice versa. They're more likely to expect you to make the adjustments rather than they would, because in their minds, they've lived longer, experienced, more established, and feel they have earned the right to have things their way. So, they may be less likely to compromise. So, being aware of the expectations of each generation is important or you find yourself having repeats of the same experiences. Sounds like someone closer to your age group or a little younger may be a better fit.
 
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Hmm. In this case, it may not necessarily be an age thing, so much as the traits that you may unconsciously find attractive. The partners we are attracted to are usually those who posses traits that we secretly covet or think compliment our own. Not that anyone would really put down as wanting someone narcissistic or immature, but sometimes our beliefs about ourselves get warped into some very strange things. Or perhaps these people hold something else in common that you find positive.

Whatever it is, if you're seeing any kind of pattern in the people you're dating, you need to realize the common denominator in all these cases is you and if you want to change anything, you need to do some self-examining to see what it is that you think you're doing in your life to draw these kinds of people in. Changing age-groups ins't going to help any. Immature, narcissistic and commitment-phobic assholes can be found in just about every demographic.
 
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@Artemisia why did you start dating men in their 40s to begin with?
 
I went back and read my past post. I think it sounds a bit harsh though it was meant to be a light poke.

Date those people you feel like dating. I dont think you should put limitations on it. I think there should be some connection first though..
 
For awhile I specifically chose older men because I thought they'd be more mature, but what I got was that the men in their 40s who were single had a lot of issues and were VERY immature. If he's 40 and single there's a reason. Both of the men I dated in their 40s wanted a relationship, but had no clue how to be in one. I don't really spend a lot of time involved with men that don't want a relationship. I don't fight those kind of battles, for whatever reason I don't attract men that look for friends with benefits or whatever. Maybe I don't look that fun in the sack from first glance I dunno why that's been the case for me actually. Maybe they know I wouldn't be down for that.

Divorced men...divorced men are fine as long as they are actually over their divorce and the circumstances surrounding the divorce have been realized and articulated to you. People can learn from their mistakes.
 
I thought men, and women, in their forties were young.
 
Artemisia said:
I think I am done with dating men in their 40s. As a 32-year-old woman, I've had some bad experiences with dating single/divorced men in their mid-40s these past five years. It seems that they are either narcissistic or immature at that age and I find that men my age or a couple of years younger are way more mature than the 40-year-olds plus they want a relationship whereas the older guys seem to want friends with benefits or no string attached.

What is going on with single and divorced men in their 40s? And have other INFJ women here gone the same way as me?
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Well if you are meeting people who just got out of a relationship or who have relationship baggage then perhaps that's understandable, I would really hope that that's not typical of all males, so far as the single men go, not all of them are going to be PUA sorts but some of them will be, as in single and loving it and not wanting a relationship since they have not been in one and avoided it until that age.
 
My own experience is that I've dated someone younger than myself, as in two years younger, only once and that wasnt anything to recommend it.

Although that said I've not had any good or steady relationships to go by.
 
I think that if the men in their forties are divorced, it would serve you well to find out why before getting too involved. I have met lots of men who went through some sort of midlife crisis and decided they didn't want to be an adult anymore. If they had a wife and kids, they ditched them for whatever else was more shiny. I would say that more than half of the guys in their thirties are headed in that direction as well. They just haven't gotten there yet. Give them time. It is the type of guy, not the age.
 
TooShyToSay said:
I think that if the men in their forties are divorced, it would serve you well to find out why before getting too involved. I have met lots of men who went through some sort of midlife crisis and decided they didn't want to be an adult anymore. If they had a wife and kids, they ditched them for whatever else was more shiny. I would say that more than half of the guys in their thirties are headed in that direction as well. They just haven't gotten there yet. Give them time. It is the type of guy, not the age.
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Amen(being I'm older). :tea:

I'd like to add, if I may, there are hearts of gold out there to be found. Lot of guys just don't hang out much when they are separated, single, or divorced. They tire of seeing couples everywhere they look. I was single many years, and Christmas was one of the most difficult times for me to hang out unless I was having fun shooting pool or something. Stop at the stop light and the people in the car in front of me were kissing or just sitting by each other. People were walking at the parks holding hands. Why me? If my gals wanted me to go somewhere with them, I'd naturally go because I didn't feel so lonely even though they were friends. Got to the point where I wasn't looking. Had someone in love with me and didn't even know it because our ages were so different. I never even thought....That said, there are a lot of people that act like jerks out there. Don't force the issue. Lots of you young ladies are great!
 
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TooShyToSay said:
I think that if the men in their forties are divorced, it would serve you well to find out why before getting too involved. I have met lots of men who went through some sort of midlife crisis and decided they didn't want to be an adult anymore. If they had a wife and kids, they ditched them for whatever else was more shiny. I would say that more than half of the guys in their thirties are headed in that direction as well. They just haven't gotten there yet. Give them time. It is the type of guy, not the age.
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What is the type of guy that does this? How can you spot a 30 year old man that will do this?
 
Change is always nice. What about people your own age?
 
One sign that a man is likely not very mature for his age is if he has a preference for women who are significantly younger.
 
That's because you are too young for mature men in their mid 40s. In my experience as a general rule the mature ones don't date women that are much younger than they are, only the immature ones do.
 
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