Flustered ENTP Pursuing Flighty INFJ, Need Advice | INFJ Forum

Flustered ENTP Pursuing Flighty INFJ, Need Advice

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FlusteredENTP

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Dec 14, 2013
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Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply to this thread, I really appreciate any feedback, advice, or constructive criticism you are able to give me. I'm looking primarily for feedback from women, but open to anyone's advice.

I am a mid 20's male ENTP down to the letter, and forgive me for saying so, but charismatic, attractive, and affluent. I've always been a bit of a ladykiller, confident, cool headed, and particular about the girls I date. And then I met her. I'm going to withhold all the positive things I have to say about her to make this short, but she is a quiet, sweet, reserved, INFJ a few years younger than I who likes slightly older dominant men. We met for the first time over the summer, and we were completely electric. I've never met anyone I've had so much in common with, and though I don't believe in love at first sight , there was this immediate and undeniable click we both felt, like we had known each other forever. I've been on a lot of bad dates, and this was certainly not one of them, and even though I told myself it wouldn't end in sex, it did. Before I left the next morning she told me that I was the best lover that she ever had and was very taken with me. That was the last I saw of her.

A few days went by and I hadn't heard from her so I sent her a text. To my confusion she was very distant, a sharp contrast to a few days prior. She told me that she was accepted to a school very far away and that she had not expected to get accepted to this school and that she was sorry. I told her that I would still like to see her until she left. We made plans for the weekend, and when the time came around she never followed through. We continued talking, but this happened several more times before she left, which drove me to damn near madness. I started acting boyish and foolish, and then, nothing. After she left for school she would frequent my online profile daily (where we first started talking) but did not say a word. Time went by and I still found myself thinking of her, she continued to frequent my profile every few days without saying a word. At this point I would normally have chucked it in the f*ck it bucket, but I have never been so enamored with anyone before. I sent her a video of me playing the guitar, and a few PG pictures and she ate it right up. She watched the video a good number of times and frequented my profile more often but still said nothing. Time went on and she frequented my profile less often. Unwilling to take no answer as an answer, I sent her another video of me playing her favorite song on the guitar and some PG-13 pictures. Again, she watched the video a good number of times, frequented my profile more often, yet still nothing. Now here I am feeling flustered, foolish, pining, and confused.

I guess my question is really just an opened ended wtf? Please, any feedback from some female INFJs would be really helpful.

Thanks,
Flustered ENTP
 
I'm still learning a lot about us INFJ's as a whole so I can mostly only speak based on assumption and putting myself in your situation.

I would say she definitely has mutual feelings for you, but is having difficulty knowing the correct path to take. With her going to a school far away, she's probably worried about how that would impact you two were a relationship to ensue. I'm sure she can tell how much you like her; that's probably why she's being so distant. She doesn't want to lead you on only to end up more hurt or sad should it probably not work out. This is the experience part coming into play; long-distance relationships are hard for couples who've been together years let alone for a couple who is just starting out. I'm certain she has taken all of this into consideration and figured being distant would be the best route to taken even though it may not be the most favorable for either of you.

I may be completely wrong in generalizing this, but in my experience I tend to let my head have final say over my heart. Not to say those feelings aren't there; it's just, it would be silly to let myself become so emotionally vulnerable and open to another person only to know that it would most likely end badly. INFJ's appreciate deeply-rooted relationships which is hard to accomplish via skype calls and the like. I'm sorry that this is so frustrating for you, but please do not take it personally.

If any other INFJ's who are more experienced than I see anything I've written as unlikely or would like to expand on anything I've said please do so. As for OP, take your own description to heart. If you are a "lady-killer" then you should know there are plenty of more fish in the sea and you have your whole life ahead of you to find the one. Try dating other girls for a while to get your mind off things if you think that will help.

Hoping the best for you,
Kyle
 
There are few ENTPs are on this forum, so they stick out like a sore thumb when they bless us with their presence. Almost all of them come here to pick up chicks, and never to be seen again.
 
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o_q said:
There are few ENTPs are on this forum, so they stick out like a sore thumb when they bless us with their presence. Almost all of them come here to pick up chicks, and never to be seen again.
Click to expand...

I personally remembered giving an advice to another ENTP regarding this matter.

Honestly, at this time, your best bet is to ask, directly. If you read her correctly she will be honest (and if not, that also says something)

Generally INFJs can read people's acts and games*. Emotional attraction WILL cloud us, but even then our internal awareness will still be turned on, looking for hints of dishonesty, hints of artificiality.
personally, what you did? it feels.....nice, but too obvious.

*) Even if they don't know the details, usually they realize whether it's on or not.
 
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Trifoilum said:
Generally INFJs can read people's acts and games*. Emotional attraction WILL cloud us, but even then our internal awareness will still be turned on, looking for hints of dishonesty, hints of artificiality.
personally, what you did? it feels.....nice, but too obvious.

*) Even if they don't know the details, usually they realize whether it's on or not.
Click to expand...

What the hell are you talking about?
 
o_q said:
What the hell are you talking about?
Click to expand...

*shrugs* :D

I'm...not using a wrong tense or something?
I dunno how can I explain this further, so if you don't understand, that's also alright

*glomps luzi instead*

You're still awesome anyway :D
 
FlusteredENTP said:
I am a mid 20's male ENTP down to the letter, and forgive me for saying so, but charismatic, attractive, and affluent. I've always been a bit of a ladykiller, confident, cool headed ... I'm going to withhold all the positive things I have to say about her
Click to expand...

I thought you were going to withhold all the positive things you had to say about yourself. :-D

FlusteredENTP said:
She told me that she was accepted to a school very far away and that she had not expected to get accepted to this school and that she was sorry.
Click to expand...

That whole third paragraph sounded as if she has already decided for and is set in her new life. If I were in your position, even considering your infatuation, I would leave it alone. You two are obviously heading for different directions.
 
[MENTION=10114]FlusteredENTP[/MENTION]

When was the last time you talked to her? And how long ago did all of this take place?
 
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o_q said:
There are few ENTPs are on this forum, so they stick out like a sore thumb when they bless us with their presence. Almost all of them come here to pick up chicks, and never to be seen again.
Click to expand...

This wouldn't be a problem if all INFJs wore a sign with flashing lights... :D
 
Let me know if I'm wrong but I'm an INFJ and I have pretty extreme self confidence and I don't think this woman is an INFJ from my own personal experience between myself and others. Now I'll just talk for myself because I'm really not sure I am the usual INFJ and it wouldn't make sense for me to generalize, but I would never not tell someone whether I care and want to continue a relationship or not. The fact that she looks at your profile but doesn't write to you doesn't sound right to me, it doesn't sound like an INFJ. That being said, people genuinely want to be understood and loved and for INFJ a lot of that is physical affection as well. Which is another reason why this makes no sense to me. Unless she wasn't talking much? You were doing all of the talking? Which would make more sense just on a basic level, she couldn't communicate verbally so she turned to physically and you two had sex. I buy that, but even then I very much doubt she wouldn't want to do it again. We need physical touch and sex is the easiest way to get it, not to mention we're usually great at it. She doesn't sound like an INFJ is what I'm getting at. Other than that dude, I don't know. Sounds like you need to push her aside.
Women on dating sites are flighty in general. They don't have that much self confidence and they're usually on there because their social circle has drastically lessened. Especially for an INFJ, I'd say we just want to talk to people, and not talking doesn't make sense.
It's gonna hurt a bit, being as emotionally invested in this woman as you sound. But there are plenty of attractive women who have as much in common if not more with you than her. There is no "one" out there for us, there's roughly a couple million. And I'm sure you'll find at least one more, if not a couple hundred in your state.
 
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This woman doesn't sound INFJ to me. Sorry. We don't usually make the moves first and have sex with someone soon after meeting them, even if it does feel like "we've known each other from another life". We count our chickens before they hatch and analyze things so much before we make a move.

We live in our heads before hitting the beds.
 
FlusteredENTP said:
Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to reply to this thread, I really appreciate any feedback, advice, or constructive criticism you are able to give me. I'm looking primarily for feedback from women, but open to anyone's advice.

I am a mid 20's male ENTP down to the letter, and forgive me for saying so, but charismatic, attractive, and affluent. I've always been a bit of a ladykiller, confident, cool headed, and particular about the girls I date. And then I met her. I'm going to withhold all the positive things I have to say about her to make this short, but she is a quiet, sweet, reserved, INFJ a few years younger than I who likes slightly older dominant men. We met for the first time over the summer, and we were completely electric. I've never met anyone I've had so much in common with, and though I don't believe in love at first sight , there was this immediate and undeniable click we both felt, like we had known each other forever. I've been on a lot of bad dates, and this was certainly not one of them, and even though I told myself it wouldn't end in sex, it did. Before I left the next morning she told me that I was the best lover that she ever had and was very taken with me. That was the last I saw of her.

A few days went by and I hadn't heard from her so I sent her a text. To my confusion she was very distant, a sharp contrast to a few days prior. She told me that she was accepted to a school very far away and that she had not expected to get accepted to this school and that she was sorry. I told her that I would still like to see her until she left. We made plans for the weekend, and when the time came around she never followed through. We continued talking, but this happened several more times before she left, which drove me to damn near madness. I started acting boyish and foolish, and then, nothing. After she left for school she would frequent my online profile daily (where we first started talking) but did not say a word. Time went by and I still found myself thinking of her, she continued to frequent my profile every few days without saying a word. At this point I would normally have chucked it in the f*ck it bucket, but I have never been so enamored with anyone before. I sent her a video of me playing the guitar, and a few PG pictures and she ate it right up. She watched the video a good number of times and frequented my profile more often but still said nothing. Time went on and she frequented my profile less often. Unwilling to take no answer as an answer, I sent her another video of me playing her favorite song on the guitar and some PG-13 pictures. Again, she watched the video a good number of times, frequented my profile more often, yet still nothing. Now here I am feeling flustered, foolish, pining, and confused.

I guess my question is really just an opened ended wtf? Please, any feedback from some female INFJs would be really helpful.

Thanks,
Flustered ENTP
Click to expand...



Yo man, let me say first I'm with you on being charming, etc... I know you're not trying to brag, you're just letting us know the truth. I think what you're trying to communicate is the knowledge that she isn't ignoring you do to a lack of attraction.

I do dating coaching as a side job. What happened here has nothing to do with her being an INFJ. It's very simple. You had sex with her on the first date. Now she thinks that all you want is sex. You're pursuing her only confirms her own fear that you're a charmer and will use her for sex.

Maybe she is an INFJ, maybe not. Who cares? All humans are fundamentally the same when it comes to attraction.

I only regret I didn't find this post earlier. All you have to do is flip the script on her. Super easy. Send her a message along the lines of, "Hey, I have been doing some thinking and I want to be honest. I really enjoyed our first date. Obviously there was mutual attraction and although we didn't get the chance to know each other better, I want you to know that I wish we did. I'd hoped that we'd get to know each other better. Maybe us having sex so quickly was a mistake. I just can't wait around and I didn't want you to think I was being rude by ignoring you. All the best!"

Something like that, be honest and vulnerable (without being weak, supplicating, or non-manly) and tell her you're not going to wait around (in a polite, adult way. Not, "I'm tired of you playing games with me!!")

Then put her on ice and no matter what ignore her for a couple weeks. She'll doubt herself and worry she made a mistake. Then you just swoop back in.

And remember, it's only manipulation if you're planning on hurting her. Judging by the tone of your post, you're not. I personally would like to date an INFJ at some point. Good luck buddy!
 
Wow, it is unbelievable to find this. This is my cheating fiancé talking about one of the girls he fucked behind my back. True ENTP? The sad part is I'm an INFJ.
 
FlusteredENTP said:
Wow, it is unbelievable to find this. This is my cheating fiancé talking about one of the girls he fucked behind my back. True ENTP? The sad part is I'm an INFJ.
Click to expand...

I'm just quoting this before it gets deleted.
But...

What?!?
If that's true go and dump his ENTP ass right away :p

Also @OP, "sending PG pictures" sounds really really really bad. Is that a way of saying you sent her unsolicited dick pics?
 
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I believe I may possibly be the INFJ mentioned in the initial post here and I wish I would have come across this earlier. I was both overwhelmed and shocked when I came across this. I am not anticipating any replies however I would like to give my perspective about things and I'll most probably delete this at some point.

When we were seeing one another back many years ago, we chatted a lot online and became very physical when together. I made my feelings very clear to him (I remember writing out pages for him during our breakup) as well as voicing my sincere intentions even though we were kids. I knew some possible reasons why he broke up with me without him saying. I knew I was an old soul from a very young age and knew things about life and the world in general on a bigger scale, I didn't know how or why, it was just a heavy feeling. I only clicked with older mature people, so was very particular about who I kept close to me, which were very few.

Fast forward many years he contacted me, knowing I was taken and we chatted briefly here and there. We planned to meet and he didn't follow through, I saw this as a possible pattern from years ago. I know we never engaged in real conversations in the past or this time, it was mainly chatting about nothing or being flirty. I don't remember any real lovey/romantic words exchanged by him throughout the time we knew one another and he never said anything clearly to me. He had come out of a relationship and I never once thought he thought anything serious about me, not ever. And yes, he decided to do some boyish things and it was annoying. For example, he would send me fake friend requests on different occasions to try and talk to me, which was annoying as it was inauthentic, (another boyish move is his second response here, possibly true, though it is him).

During this time, I did something impulsive and apologised to him about it and felt immense guilt. It may have been something minor for him but I was full of guilt and I started to withdraw. He began telling me off and I was told that I wouldn't understand things about his situation (moving away for work), I found this a little patronising. During this time he asked for my number (which he should have already had), I refused as I assumed he would have a go at me some more. I saw this as a hint for me to back away and I withdrew even more. To add to this, I was going through an extremely difficult time for a while in life and my walls began to increase over time.

In response to me liking his presumed social media (an enticingly romantic profile) for several months, I messaged the profile. I asked if it was him and he didn't own up to it and closed his direct messages. That was the last.
Thank you to anyone who took time out to read this.
 
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SunlightInfj said:
I believe I may possibly be the INFJ mentioned in the initial post here and I wish I would have come across this earlier. I was very overwhelmed when I came across this post. I am not anticipating any replies however I would like to give my perspective about things. I'll most probably delete this at some point.

When we were seeing one another back many years ago, we chatted a lot online and became very physical when together. I made my feelings very clear to him (I remember writing out pages for him during our breakup) as well as voicing my sincere intentions even though we were kids. I knew some possible reasons why he broke up with me without him saying. I knew I was an old soul from a very young age and knew things about life and the world in general on a bigger scale, I didn't know how or why, it was just a heavy feeling. I only clicked with older mature people, so was very particular about who I kept close to me, which were very few.

Fast forward many years he contacted me, knowing I was taken and we chatted briefly here and there. We planned to meet and he didn't follow through, I saw this as a possible pattern from years ago. I know we never engaged in real conversations in the past or this time, it was mainly chatting about nothing or being flirty. I don't remember any real lovey/romantic words exchanged by him much throughout the time we knew one another and he never said anything directly/clearly to me. He had come out of a relationship and I never once thought he thought anything serious about me. And yes, he decided to do some boyish things and it was agonising for me. For example, he would send me fake friend requests on different occasions to try and talk to me, which was annoying as it was inauthentic, (another boyish move is his second response here, possibly true, though it is him).

During this time, I did something impulsive and apologised to him about it and felt immense guilt. It may have been something minor for him but I was full of guilt and I started to withdraw. He began telling me off and I was told that I wouldn't understand things about his situation (moving away for work), I found this a little patronising. During this time he asked for my number (which he should have already had), I refused as I assumed he would have a go at me some more. I saw this as a hint for me to back away and I withdrew even more. To add to this, I was going through an extremely difficult time for a while in life and my walls began to increase over time.

In response to me liking his presumed social media (an enticingly romantic profile) for many months, I messaged the profile. I asked if it was him and he didn't own up to it and closed his direct messages. That was the last.

Thank you to anyone who took time out to read this.

I will leave my contact details in case he does see this and I will only respond to authenticity.
(my email (all lower case, no spaces) - my first name then surname, followed by number 1 @gmail.com
Click to expand...
The Ents from Lord of the Rings have shorter relationship progession.
 
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