Female INFJ confused about relationship with Male | INFJ Forum

Female INFJ confused about relationship with Male

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by SOPSMI, Aug 25, 2019.

Share This Page

Watchers:
This thread is being watched by 6 users.
More threads by SOPSMI
  1. SOPSMI

    SOPSMI One

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2019
    Threads:
    1
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    762
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Hi all,

    I’m not sure whether this may get any attention or you may think that I’m being silly or whatever.

    I recently discovered that I’m an INFJ and having read a lot about it online, it all makes sense. Everything. Especially as I’m a Cancer by horoscope, I believe this makes me extra emotional, and prone to overthinking and worrying more.

    My main problem at the moment is understanding my relationship/friendship with a male friend. We have been flirting for over a year and have talked about the concept of becoming more than just friends. In May this year, we progressed to the next level and everything seemed great at first. This friend has a bit a baggage and struggles a lot with self esteem and confidence. I believe that there’s more to it but he won’t discuss it, and often gets worked up.

    We had an argument after the first night we spent together and things started to spiral out of control. He felt that he couldn’t cope with the situation and that it didn’t help his anxiety. This was all as a result of me finding old messages from an ex that he had not spoken about and I just wanted to talk about our future etc. This resulted in the typical INFJ “door slam” on my part and he took it very poorly. He stated that it was too much pressure and that I didn’t trust him. After thought, he felt that he couldn’t progress with the relationship further and thought that he would only hurt me because of the way he is, and that he thinks we’re not compatible. I obviously tried to console and make amends but his stubbornness won. Actually, he just didn’t listen.

    Over the past month, we have been talking as “friends” and often it leads to arguments about our relationship and how it didn’t work. He has recently claimed that he “loves” me and just doesn’t want to hurt me, hence not want to be with me. He genuinely believes that we will break up and never be friends again. He has also said that he thinks I am far too good for him and that I deserve better. I do not think the same obviously and only want to be with him because it’s him. This has been very difficult to process as I have deep feelings for him but cannot understand why I am obviously not good enough to be with him regardless.

    As you can imagine, the friendship is on the rocks and I’ve been struggling with mood and self esteem as a result. Over thinking hasn’t been helping, especially at night, and I just want to fix things but nothing seems to work.

    Please can anyone advise on something that I may have done or whether my INFJ character has had a big role to play? I’m not sure whether I came across as too caring or too passive. Or is this just him and actually I’m fine and have done nothing wrong?

    I know that this is something that will probably not work out but I am finding so difficult to hear all of the positive things he says about me but still not want to have a relationship.

    I have spoken to a couple of friends already and they had nothing positive or helpful to say.

    Please help.

    Many thanks.
     
  2. Morticia D

    Morticia D Newbie

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2019
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    14
    Likes Received:
    32
    Trophy Points:
    458
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    Sounds like a real SNAFU.

    I don't know if what you want to hear is how to get back with him, but you won't hear it from me either.
    If this guy is unwilling to work on a relationship with you, and he is very clear about it, I would take his word for it. Anyway, pushing it will not end well. I would not count on his being more than a friend, and even that may not be the best idea if you are tempted to run to him in a moment of weakness.

    If he has serious issues with mood and self-esteem, and he has so little insight that it creates drama and anger, it is not healthy in combinationwith someone who may be struggling with similar issues and more.

    Sounds like you need to move on. Or at least don't expect more from him. Doesn't sound promising.
     
    Scientia, GRiMM and Hostarius like this.
  3. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2010
    Threads:
    129
    Messages:
    4,891
    Featured Threads:
    9
    Likes Received:
    8,644
    Trophy Points:
    877
    MBTI:
    SOCMOB
    Enneagram:
    .
    How did you find the ex’s messages?
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    GRiMM, Asa, Scientia and 1 other person like this.
  4. GRiMM

    GRiMM Community Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2019
    Threads:
    10
    Messages:
    803
    Featured Threads:
    3
    Likes Received:
    3,875
    Trophy Points:
    1,022
    Gender:
    Male
    MBTI:
    WiCKED
    Enneagram:
    SiCK
    Just forget about him..

    Maybe you are and maybe you do? idk the dude but if I were to say something like that I'd mean it.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Sandie33, Asa, Scientia and 1 other person like this.
  5. Scientia

    Scientia A true lady

    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2014
    Threads:
    53
    Messages:
    2,980
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    6,285
    Trophy Points:
    902
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    I am just guessing on what you expressed above. It sounds like you are more emotionally attached than he is and he isn’t sure that he wants only you in that way. He thinks you are a good person. He admires you but isn’t ready for a relationship with you and you won’t accept less than monogamy.
     
    Hostarius and Asa like this.
  6. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2017
    Threads:
    0
    Messages:
    7,698
    Likes Received:
    27,279
    Trophy Points:
    2,877
    MBTI:
    ENTJ
    Enneagram:
    3w4, 3-8-7
    I don't think it's wise to pursue a relationship with this person. Something like monogamy isn't negotiable if it's important to you.

    That said, I'm single and exclusively focused on my career so you'll end up like me if you take my advice. If being in a relationship is more important to you than staying true to your values, why miss an opportunity?

    We're only here for a finite amount of time, after all. The choice is yours.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Sandie33, Hostarius and Asa like this.
  7. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

    Joined:
    Aug 21, 2015
    Threads:
    75
    Messages:
    4,535
    Featured Threads:
    23
    Likes Received:
    23,592
    Trophy Points:
    1,831
    Gender:
    Female
    MBTI:
    INFJ
    @SOPSMI
    Move on, dear one. A relationship that starts out rocky is going to continue to be so.

    You:
    I'm curious about how you "found" these messages from the ex. It sounds like you snooped, which means you crossed boundaries. In future relationships try to honor boundaries and communicate instead. A person must give their permission for you to read messages, social media, journals, any writing they do, etc. If you're in a relationship and they won't give permission you need to talk about why. If you haven't agreed to be monogamous he can do what he wants.

    You did not door slam him. Door slamming means you stop communicating completely forever and ever, as if the other person doesn't exist.

    Him:
    You're the one not listening to him.
    Without saying it bluntly, he is telling you that he does not want a relationship with you, even if he cares about you. Everything he is saying is a barrier, telling you that the relationship won't work, plus when he said you didn't trust him it was because you crossed a boundary when you found out about those messages. Take the hint and let him go. If you walk away you may be able to salvage the friendship. Caring about him won't make him care the same way you do.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Synergos, Scientia, Sandie33 and 3 others like this.
  8. Hostarius

    Hostarius Level 10 Cynical Optimist

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2018
    Threads:
    24
    Messages:
    6,828
    Featured Threads:
    11
    Likes Received:
    52,145
    Trophy Points:
    4,032
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    UK, a part of the EU
    MBTI:
    INTJ
    Enneagram:
    1w2
    Yeah you need to leave this guy alone.

    If you were a guy and he a girl, people would be calling you all kinds of stalker/creep names by now.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Synergos, Scientia, Pin and 2 others like this.
  9. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2018
    Threads:
    2
    Messages:
    877
    Featured Threads:
    2
    Likes Received:
    1,317
    Trophy Points:
    997
    MBTI:
    INTP
    Enneagram:
    7, 4, 8 and2
    find you a good ISTJ and call it a day
     
    Pin likes this.
  10. Aneirin

    Aneirin wandering aimlessly
    Donor

    Joined:
    May 29, 2011
    Threads:
    11
    Messages:
    1,723
    Likes Received:
    1,230
    Trophy Points:
    792
    MBTI:
    infj
    Enneagram:
    type 2
    time to move along. you are wasting your emotional time on someone who is not in a place to be a relationship
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
    Hostarius likes this.
Loading...

Share This Page