Failure To Forgive
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Hi Just Me,
From my experience, the inability to forgive isn't about failure or an emotional disorder, it's about readiness (on the forgiver's part) and patience and acceptance (on the 'forgivee's' part). If someone says they forgive you and then do something to bring it up again and hurt you with it, it means they are still affected by whatever happened - they still need time. If a person says they will never forgive you, then you can only give them space and send them loving thoughts. I've found that it's better to be a well for people who come to you when they're ready, rather than a hose that seeks to spray people on its time table.
From my experience, the inability to forgive isn't about failure or an emotional disorder, it's about readiness (on the forgiver's part) and patience and acceptance (on the 'forgivee's' part). If someone says they forgive you and then do something to bring it up again and hurt you with it, it means they are still affected by whatever happened - they still need time. If a person says they will never forgive you, then you can only give them space and send them loving thoughts. I've found that it's better to be a well for people who come to you when they're ready, rather than a hose that seeks to spray people on its time table.
No, I don't think so. Sometimes it's an act of common sense or self-preservation to not forgive. What is so inherently great about forgiveness? The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The same could be said about forgiveness. It's possible for one to heal or accept a wrong without forgiving the perpetrator. I find that forgiveness makes sense when it is earned and actively sought in the course of a continued relationship of some kind. It is a two way street, otherwise it is just lip service, and to what ends? When I think of a person who neglected and abused me is a child, I do not feel hate, but I also do not feel love or forgiveness. When I think of this person, I think "I nothing you."
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To put this in perspective, no one needs to forgive anyone. What would be the point?
What isn't healthy is holding onto, and being poisoned by bitterness.
Forgiveness? There might be a damned good reason you don't forgive someone. You might need an emotional barrier to protect yourself from further harm.
What isn't healthy is holding onto, and being poisoned by bitterness.
Forgiveness? There might be a damned good reason you don't forgive someone. You might need an emotional barrier to protect yourself from further harm.
I believe it is an emotional disorder because forgiveness opens pathway to emotional healing and allows a person to move forward with their lives without holding resentment or grudge. I would say it is a disorder because it disrupts the persons emotional well being; until the practice of forgiveness is taken up the person is held prisoner by the events and people that harmed or hurt them; no matter how many years ago the events occurred. Human psychology is full of past grudges and resentments from birth. Failure to forgive can also manifest as stubbornness and failure to admit wrong; but not always. Forgiveness is definitely a choice. Forgiveness is also not for the person that did you wrong; it is for the person that was wronged and releasing the emotional turmoil and trauma caused by the event that caused pain and suffering. It also takes a very big person to forgive.
Forgiveness is also the real closure to things and events. Without closure; it will be an open wound festering underneath the band aid we all like to put on.
Forgiveness is also the real closure to things and events. Without closure; it will be an open wound festering underneath the band aid we all like to put on.
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Emotions have a purpose. The only thing that makes an emotion unhealthy is if it hurts you more than it helps; this is about as clear as knowing if a chess move was the right one when you made it.
Call it what you will....all I know is true forgiveness is like having spring come inside your heart after a looooong cold bitter winter.
Those that give it lip service thinking they have forgiven (in their minds) still haven't opened their heart wounds to heal and are lying to themselves and others.
Those that give it lip service thinking they have forgiven (in their minds) still haven't opened their heart wounds to heal and are lying to themselves and others.
I don't believe that it is a disorder, but I do believe that it is a sign of immaturity. I find the great majority of people don't have any understanding of what forgiveness is and what it can do. As [MENTION=884]solongotgon[/MENTION] and [MENTION=2578]Kgal[/MENTION] have pointed out, it has little to do with the person we're forgiving and everything to do with finding peace within ourselves. Lack of forgiveness punishes the person who refuses to forgive more than it will ever punish the person who is not being forgiven. Real forgiveness is freedom.
people on this forum know way more about this topic than me. i tend to think Kgal, La Sagna, and solongotgon are on the right track. i was chatting about it with Kgal and SpecialEdition in Kgal's energy spiral thread recently and i think they had a lot of constructive things to say about it. (i am not at that point yet - i dont know how to deal with my rage over incidents that happened.)
i do still have some of my own thoughts on the process however. i dont think failure to forgive can represent a distinct emotional disorder. but (not talking specifically about forgiveness here) i do think that failure to accept the past, and uncontrollable rumination on the past, can both usefully be conceived of as symptomatic of general emotional disorder, at times when it might be useful to conceive of them that way.
i do still have some of my own thoughts on the process however. i dont think failure to forgive can represent a distinct emotional disorder. but (not talking specifically about forgiveness here) i do think that failure to accept the past, and uncontrollable rumination on the past, can both usefully be conceived of as symptomatic of general emotional disorder, at times when it might be useful to conceive of them that way.
No, it's not, at least not necessarily. In the context of close relationships, the lack of being forgiven can serve as an impetus to change. When one learns that one cannot change, within reason, another's behavior, then not forgiving is more like an emotional block from happiness. "Forgiveness" to me implies that one believes they are in the right, and in that context, it means accepting some hurt or fault from another. In a more general sense, it merely means accepting hurt and continuing on with one's life unburdened. To do such implies a sort of experiential knowledge and acceptance that things don't always go your way, and if you're attached to something that you might need to change your strategy (or rather that the failure to forgive isn't accomplishing what you want it to accomplish).
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It is early in the morning, so this is scrambled.
Forgiveness is not about the person who has done wrong but about the person who needs to forgive. Many people want to wait for their "enemy" to either make amends and grovel for forgiveness or they want to see this person be hurt as badly, if not more, than the Forgiver was. Both requirements for forgiveness are absurd and do nothing to address the pain that remains... They lack compassion and understanding and are self limiting. That is not meant to be an insult to Forgivers out there but is simply a fact.
When you have something done wrong to you or people you love it is very easy to be exceptionally protective of your forgiveness as well as the people who are hurt. I find that people want to ensure that the act that they are forgiving will not be repeated and they want to see adequate proof that it won't happen again. That is why they want to see a "lesson learned" situation or they want to see someone so riddled with remorse that they wouldn't repeat what they'd done. The problem with this is those who hold onto their forgiveness are anchoring themselves to the individual that had done wrong by them and therefore can NOT move on from the event or situation that happened. They constantly re-live the pain and become more and more resentful of the person as if the specific act that was done was being repeated over and over and over again... Except it isn't. The forgiver is hurting themselves at this point.
Forgiveness does not have to mean that the relationship is mended or even that you have to participate in each other's lives. It means that you understand that someone acted poorly and that there was some circumstance or some element (or perhaps many) that came together to create this behaviour in a person. It could be a miswiring in the brain, stress, mental or physical illness, abuse growing up, etc. There are so many factors that are interwoven together that pushes a person to act poorly towards someone else in their lives. It's not always that they are horrific, malicious human beings even if it seems that way. It is the job of the forgiver to recognize that something is happening in the inner world of the people who do wrong and the pain they are feeling is the RESULT of that.
Forgiveness does not mean enabling. It does not mean coddling. It does not mean that you let things slide over and over and over again. You have to take responsibility for your own role in the situation. That is to say sometimes you must cut contact and understand this person is not serving you anymore. You can have compassion for a person without having them be in your life. The hurt has already happened. The event is in the past. You must let those people and things go to the best of your ability and try to work out how you are going to deal with the pain you have endured so you can move forward in your life. Try to let go of laying blame on the person who hurt you because at some point you are holding onto to that pain and causing yourself to re-live it. Forgiveness is accepting the event that happened, understanding how it affects you, identifying if there is a solution and then working through your emotions and releasing it.
It doesn't have to be complicated or some huge ceremonial thing and the person you are trying to forgive doesn't even need to know unless they've asked.
It has taken me a very long time to come to this conclusion about forgiveness. I still have feelings of wanting to hurt specific people who have wronged me but it's like punishing a dog who peed on the carpet a week after it was already done...
Forgiveness is not about the person who has done wrong but about the person who needs to forgive. Many people want to wait for their "enemy" to either make amends and grovel for forgiveness or they want to see this person be hurt as badly, if not more, than the Forgiver was. Both requirements for forgiveness are absurd and do nothing to address the pain that remains... They lack compassion and understanding and are self limiting. That is not meant to be an insult to Forgivers out there but is simply a fact.
When you have something done wrong to you or people you love it is very easy to be exceptionally protective of your forgiveness as well as the people who are hurt. I find that people want to ensure that the act that they are forgiving will not be repeated and they want to see adequate proof that it won't happen again. That is why they want to see a "lesson learned" situation or they want to see someone so riddled with remorse that they wouldn't repeat what they'd done. The problem with this is those who hold onto their forgiveness are anchoring themselves to the individual that had done wrong by them and therefore can NOT move on from the event or situation that happened. They constantly re-live the pain and become more and more resentful of the person as if the specific act that was done was being repeated over and over and over again... Except it isn't. The forgiver is hurting themselves at this point.
Forgiveness does not have to mean that the relationship is mended or even that you have to participate in each other's lives. It means that you understand that someone acted poorly and that there was some circumstance or some element (or perhaps many) that came together to create this behaviour in a person. It could be a miswiring in the brain, stress, mental or physical illness, abuse growing up, etc. There are so many factors that are interwoven together that pushes a person to act poorly towards someone else in their lives. It's not always that they are horrific, malicious human beings even if it seems that way. It is the job of the forgiver to recognize that something is happening in the inner world of the people who do wrong and the pain they are feeling is the RESULT of that.
Forgiveness does not mean enabling. It does not mean coddling. It does not mean that you let things slide over and over and over again. You have to take responsibility for your own role in the situation. That is to say sometimes you must cut contact and understand this person is not serving you anymore. You can have compassion for a person without having them be in your life. The hurt has already happened. The event is in the past. You must let those people and things go to the best of your ability and try to work out how you are going to deal with the pain you have endured so you can move forward in your life. Try to let go of laying blame on the person who hurt you because at some point you are holding onto to that pain and causing yourself to re-live it. Forgiveness is accepting the event that happened, understanding how it affects you, identifying if there is a solution and then working through your emotions and releasing it.
It doesn't have to be complicated or some huge ceremonial thing and the person you are trying to forgive doesn't even need to know unless they've asked.
It has taken me a very long time to come to this conclusion about forgiveness. I still have feelings of wanting to hurt specific people who have wronged me but it's like punishing a dog who peed on the carpet a week after it was already done...
Harboring anger eats away at the person who cannot forgive. True forgiveness allows the wronged party to heal. Repairing the relationship is another matter.
For example, an abuse victim may forgive the abuser after leaving the relationship but may not want to return to the abuser. Forgiveness is there but the relationship is not.
Inability to forgive may indicate a disorder but is not one in and of itself.
For example, an abuse victim may forgive the abuser after leaving the relationship but may not want to return to the abuser. Forgiveness is there but the relationship is not.
Inability to forgive may indicate a disorder but is not one in and of itself.
Depending on what that person has done.
The big thing for me is trust…if you purposefully break my trust knowing that it will hurt me badly then you will not find forgiveness.
What you will find is cut out from my life, and then I move on as if you never existed.
I do not dwell on it, or plot revenge or vengeance…I think continuing to live your life with purpose and happiness is the biggest “Fuck you” of all that you could ever give them.
Take the high road…what goes around comes around.
The big thing for me is trust…if you purposefully break my trust knowing that it will hurt me badly then you will not find forgiveness.
What you will find is cut out from my life, and then I move on as if you never existed.
I do not dwell on it, or plot revenge or vengeance…I think continuing to live your life with purpose and happiness is the biggest “Fuck you” of all that you could ever give them.
Take the high road…what goes around comes around.
I don't think forgiveness is something you just do once and say it's done anyway. It's an ongoing attitude and some times it takes a lot of work to maintain the attitude of forgiveness. That work can be made harder when people take you for granted and continue to transgress.
I don’t feel the need to find forgiveness for something(s) that someone may have done to warrant being excluded from my life.
It just becomes a nonissue for me…I don’t let negative feeling fester…I just let it go, that doesn’t mean that I can say to that person what they did is okay with me now or ever. Because like I said…my trust has a breaking point and trust for me is a big fucking deal.
If I can’t trust you, then I will not be around you.
So I guess you can say that I do not forgive for certain things, but the reasons I have I believe to be just and will not perpetuate more negativity and bullshit in my life.
I think that’s justified.
But other than that…I don’t ever think about past transgressions that people have done against me, some of them were quite painful at the time…they shaped who I am now be it good or bad…the past is something I have never had trouble dwelling on…it’s the future that my mind like to wander the halls of.
I find I'm unable to forget things even if I don't dwell on them. It's a constant upkeep to make things stay let go because my memory is stupidly good and I kind of wish it weren't. I just remember shit. Even if it's not in the front of my head it'll be in the back somewhere - I don't even know that I remember it but it'll color everything until it finally comes forward again.
I don't dwell but I don't forget either. I remember things like I remember my social security number - there's really no completely forgetting it. And if I remember then I feel. If I didn't it would be easy mode.
I can think I've let something go but it never really leaves and if I let my guard down at the wrong time it'll be back in full force and I'll be pissed like whatever it was just happened five minutes ago because that's how fresh it feels.
I find that for me there is a difference between forgiving someone and continuing to trust them. For me in particular, it's fairly easy for me to forgive someone but I've never quite figured out why. However, if someone hurts me deeply enough, it is very difficult for them to regain the trust they once had with me.
Fortunately for me, even though I have a great memory for facts, I have a difficult time staying grounded in the present moment and thus my memory suffers from this as well. If I don't want to remember something, I simply bury it in my memory until I have a hard time remembering the exact details. But in the rare case where I can't forget something, if an instance where I've been hurt comes to mind and I don't have an agonizing feeling in the pit of my stomach concerning it, then I figure I already forgave the person and move on with my life. If I haven't, I figure out how to get there and then move on. To me, some things aren't worth getting too hurt over.
as far as the original topic goes, I'm not sure if I would agree that "failure to forgive" would be an emotional disorder or not since I've never really thought about it either way before. I suppose it's possible since from my experience failing to forgive someone only eats away at my soul until I retaliate toward someone else. This happened to me some in the past and trust me, it wasn't pretty.
Fortunately for me, even though I have a great memory for facts, I have a difficult time staying grounded in the present moment and thus my memory suffers from this as well. If I don't want to remember something, I simply bury it in my memory until I have a hard time remembering the exact details. But in the rare case where I can't forget something, if an instance where I've been hurt comes to mind and I don't have an agonizing feeling in the pit of my stomach concerning it, then I figure I already forgave the person and move on with my life. If I haven't, I figure out how to get there and then move on. To me, some things aren't worth getting too hurt over.
as far as the original topic goes, I'm not sure if I would agree that "failure to forgive" would be an emotional disorder or not since I've never really thought about it either way before. I suppose it's possible since from my experience failing to forgive someone only eats away at my soul until I retaliate toward someone else. This happened to me some in the past and trust me, it wasn't pretty.