[INFJ] Empath Etiquette Workshop

[Asa]

INFJs are famous for feeling other people's emotions. Unfortunately, INFJs don't excel at verbal communication. How do we let people know we understand, that "we feel what they feel" and express empathy, without sounding like we are trying to take focus off them?

The easiest way to show empathy is by saying something like, "I understand," or, "I feel your pain". The issue here is that both of those statements sound self-centered because they begin with "I".

People are often taught to express empathy by relating personal stories to the person who is suffering in order to explain that we understand. This, again, takes the focus off the one who is (suffering) and can sound self-absorbed.


When writing letters, one should not overuse "I/me" because it looks self-centered to write, "I/me/my" over and over. The writer should create phrases that are focused on the person they are addressing. Conversation is more casual, and "I understand," dominates. "You are understood," sounds weird though, and doesn't convey that we specifically understand the person we are addressing. "I am here for you," also starts with "I", but at least that is giving commitment, which is not a passive "I understand."

For INFJs who feel like we already understand the emotions person is going through, the phrase, "It sounds like you are in a hard place now. Tell me more about it.” sounds disingenuous. We already know the person is in a hard place. We feel it.

So, this thread is an empathy workshop to share and create ideas that will help people express empathy in a way that leaves us out of the picture and focuses on the person who is suffering. Any and all ideas are welcome. One of the key ingredients of expressing empathy is putting oneself in the other person's shoes, and trying to understand their perspective, so please keep fighting and name calling out of this thread. <3

 

[Ginny]

I think our understanding can be delivered also through non-verbal communication, at least for those who are susceptible to it. In that case, it could be possible to skip that sentence and include it in the naturally following statements, its deliverance carrying the non-verbal understaning via inflection, gesture and mimic. With other persons it may come across as pity, but I think we can pull it off not to express that vibe.

Naturally following statements would be something like, "What do you need?" or "Do you want to talk about it?" unless you can tell by intuition what they need, then any verbal communication may be omitted, and its place taken over by mere gesture and action.

 

[Professor Snep]

I've always interpreted empathy as trying to comprehend what someone's feeling, without becoming that person.

In the majority of cases, I think I tend to react non-verbally. Not many people like to be pitied, but everyone wants a heartfelt sympathy and a sincere reaction. Knowing their conversational partner offers them all the time and space to express themselves and reflect, knowing you're there for them. Personally, I think the latter is the most important and the thing we all try to encourage when we comfort people.

 

[acd]

I agree that nonverbal communication seems to work well. Sometimes there aren't really words, but if you're in tune with what they are saying and listening, your body language expresses that. Sometimes people just want to be heard. They need to get their feelings off their chest. I had a meeting with a client's mother yesterday and she ended up telling me about the divorce she was going through. There really wasn't much I could say other than just being present and listening. Then another colleague showed up to the meeting and was making a bunch of comments about the home my client and his mother were staying in (they're moving out once the divorce goes through). This person kept talking about how beautiful the home was and the mother was like, "It's a bachelor's pad and we're moving out asap," but the other lady wasn't getting it and kept saying it was a "family home," and trying to give decorating tips. The discomfort from the mother was palpable. In that situation, I didn't know what to say, I just felt the discomfort and aggravation. I wanted to shake the other woman and tell her to shut up and let it go, as she kept on. But that's bad etiquette. Not really sure what I could have said or done there.

 

[Littlelissa]

Knowing their conversational partner offers them all the time and space to express themselves and reflect, knowing you're there for them

I think this is an important point, and it's definitely something you can feel and are aware of the listener doing. I like that you don't have to be particularly eloquent either, just caring and sincere.

 

[Asa]

I agree that non-verbal communication of empathy is much easier. Simply being present can be meaningful and supportive, and body language conveys support. It is more difficult to express this compassion and understanding online.

"Knowing their conversational partner offers them all the time and space to express themselves and reflect, knowing you're there for them." - Well said, @Professor Snep

For grief, I like this chart on the ring theory. I apply the ring theory to scenarios that are not related to grief as well.

 

[Ginny]

I agree that non-verbal communication of empathy is much easier. Simply being present can be meaningful and supportive, and body language conveys support. It is more difficult to express this compassion and understanding online.

"Knowing their conversational partner offers them all the time and space to express themselves and reflect, knowing you're there for them." - Well said, @Professor Snep

For grief, I like this chart on the ring theory. I apply the ring theory to scenarios that are not related to grief as well. View attachment 37615

Despite the nature of the topic, I have to say that "lookie loos" sounds really funny , that is, if I'm reading this right

 

[kfg(atj]

I agree, non-verbal gestures are sometimes more appropriate. With some of my good friends or family, simply hugging someone tells them that you care and want to soothe them without a lecture.

If I’m listening to a newer friend or acquaintance, I will try to validate them with phrases like “you’re so strong” or “you’re smart and I know you’re gonna figure this out!” And then I’ll offer further help by saying “you know if you need anything, you can ask”. This is usually well received. Because I agree with an earlier post here, sometimes people just want to be heard. And we all need validation sometimes. I think we’re good at distinguishing when validation is appropriate too. Cause if someone is in a rut that they may have caused, simply offering to be there to help them cope might be the best response.

Good thread topic. I’m looking forward to seeing some other suggestions here.

 

[Asa]

Despite the nature of the topic, I have to say that "lookie loos" sounds really funny , that is, if I'm reading this right

Totally funny.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

Carl Rogers is awesome and was a great teacher and practitioner of empathy. If anyone is interested in learning about or developing these skills...

 

[Sandie33]

It is more difficult to express this compassion and understanding online.

This is very true. Often the words are interpreted by the reader based on where the reader is in the moment, and thus the empathy of the sender/supporter is misinterpreted or totally missed all together.

 

[G4RiiM]

okay so on my way doin groceries today I passed this rodent roadkill.. it was laying on the tarmac stretched out, a piece of bread still in its mouth its black eyes open. a little pool of blood under its head but the naked eye wouldnt spot an injury otherwise, besides the empty eyes. I slowed down but kept driving. until I finally turned around. I just couldnt leave it there.. maybe being run over again and again. nobody deserves such disrespect. so I parked in the dirt besides the road. i found a couple of sticks and layed the rodent in the grass. knowing well it might become a cats meal but somehow I respect that more than than the rodent just becomin a tarmac sticker or be thrown in a trashcan.. If I had some shovel I might have dug it a quick grave.. anyway I continued on my way. the mall wasnt that far.. but my heart was just pounding.. slow, I was out of breath laying my hand on my chest. just looking in the eyes of mousy it touched my heart.. the same stuff can happen to me when I sense intense sadness in people I encounter. idk how to deal with it, it effects me physically. anyone got some pointers?

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

anyone got some pointers

Accept it as your natural goodness.

 

[G4RiiM]

Accept it as your natural goodness.

Its not all goodness if it makes my physically ill, be it for the moment but sometimes it lingers.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

Its not all goodness if it makes my physically ill, be it for the moment but sometimes it lingers.

What makes you ill about it? Seeing dead things or compassion? If it's seeing dead things, maybe avoid such things. If it's compassion for living things it's just your body going through a physiological process triggered by your goodness and the effects will diminish once you accept that goodness makes you feel strongly.

*I just made that up.

 

[G4RiiM]

What makes you ill about it? Seeing dead things or compassion? If it's seeing dead things, maybe avoid such things. If it's compassion for living things it's just your body going through a physiological process triggered by your goodness and the effects will diminish once you accept that goodness makes you feel strongly.

*I just made that up.

its compassion. a skull wont bother me. but this little one was just tryin to live, just scored a big piece of bread but got run over by some careless ❤️❤️❤️❤️ prolly.

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

its compassion. a skull wont bother me. but this little one was just tryin to live, just scored a big piece of bread but got run over by some careless ❤️❤️❤️❤️ prolly.

Well there ya go. Mystery solved. You're all better now. You're welcome! <3

 

[G4RiiM]

Well there ya go. Mystery solved. You're all better now. You're welcome! <3

I dont get you

 

[Milktoast Bandit]

I dont get you

Accept that too! I'm not to be had.

 

[G4RiiM]

Accept that too! I'm not to be had.

o I accept it, I'm just letting you know.