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Early stage dating INFJ

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by ClevelandINTP, Jan 9, 2019.

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  1. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Hey!

    Looking for some insight if there is any saving a strong connection. Started seeing an INFJ, and we hit it off, and might have been on the verge of dating. As what usually happens in the day in age of online dating, when you get to that point, it’s a gut check and all the doubts happen because no one actually thinks you could find such a great connection. This one was one of a kind, real unique, beyond just the INFJ thing.

    So we get to that point and things got a little strange. I fell for her hard early. I don’t normally do this but it just happened, so I know I gave off that vibe which was a turn off I’m sure. She overlooked it, so much so that she went on Tinder to see if I was there. We met on Bumble and I actually deleted that just not Tinder because I really don’t date people there. She didn’t address the problem with me directly but I could tell it was an issue. We went on 3 dates, I mean, cmon, but we had high hopes.

    Long story short: confusion and doubt crept in and she ended things. I played it off and accepted and didn’t contact her. It sucked, it felt like an actual breakup. She came back a week later asking if we could hang out again. By this time, I had already started seeing a few others. She said she liked me, etc. I was still real guarded because we just met and you’re pulling this stuff. So then the holidays came and we got separated geographically. She was in NY with family and I was in Ohio.

    We didn’t talk much and I got real sick. When we finally did she happened to be at a place I’d really like and I told her that. I was still really being distant though as I was sort of upset still. She went and bought me a gift.

    The next day she texts asking how I am and that she bought me a gift. I didn’t respond until the next day, and when I did it wasn’t the best. I got no response back, so she was pissed. We texted a bit since, but I think she’s picked up I’ve been seeing some other people. Honestly, it’s only a few people I met during her week of silence.

    So now, we’ve texted a little but she’s being brief and matter of fact and now she’s gone so far as to not answer my last basic how are you text. I’ve dated an INFJ long term before, and what irritated me during the process was feeling like I needed to walk on eggshells. In other words, I didn’t feel quite like myself. So this time I thought I’d try something different. I’ve been a little more blunt and aloof.

    Wondering if I should just leave her alone or be direct and ask her to address the elephant in the room. What are your thoughts?
     
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  2. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    Blunt. Always blunt.

    I would just say, 'Look, I like you and I'd like to see where this goes. Are you up for that?'.

    But bear in mind, I am an idiot.
     
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  3. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Thanks! I’ve said this but not this direct. My fear is I need to because the more space I give her the more she will feel okay in moving on. I’m leaning towards something like this, actually
     
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  4. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    How well does this normally go?
     
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  5. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    And have you done this to another INFJ?
     
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  6. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Bear in mind, the silent treatment worked before. She’s also 37 and a PhD Psychologist so every little detail and move is analyzed.

    Oh, you INFJs. After a few years of talking, seeing and dating like 10 of you, I think this is my last stand.

    What are you INFPs like
     
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  7. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    I think I'm probably INTJ, but my approach to dating was always just 'ask her out'; that is, make no bones about what my intentions were.

    So doing this, my hit rate of actually getting dates was 57%, not counting the girls who had boyfriends, unbeknownst to me. Usually I would figure out that they weren't for me after the first or second date, but that's a step in front.

    I'm in a relationship now with an INFJ, but it didn't really happen like that, even though we were both on the same page about the level of investment & future direction, &c.

    That is to say that I think INFJs generally appreciate commitment and perhaps the straightforward declaration of intent might be something that plays into this appreciation. That also means you dating other people would be a major no-no for this kind of person.
     
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  8. Hostarius

    Hostarius Scooby Doo Villain of Fate

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    Fuck that gameplaying bullshit. I don't care if it actually does something to 'female psychology', no decent man has time for that nonsense, and no decent woman would tolerate it (even if it is her 'instinct').

    If the girl is intrigued by assholishness, then she isn't worth it. Just my opinion, though.
     
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  9. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I agree with you, but she called it off. I simply agreed and was silent. Silence after that was mostly unintentional but also residual from the week leading up to it plus traveling for holidays and being sick.

    I like your approach on this. It either is or it isn’t.
     
  10. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    What’s your take on how I started to date these people? It happened in the week during she broke it off and then came back. I’m happy to tell her this but not over text.

    My opinion is I just met you, you dumped me, I met a few people I’d consider and saw them, then you just come back in because you knew if you had any shot you had too. Now I’m sitting with girls who like me, too and have to be like sorry it’s not going to work out. All for someone who already told me no thanks
     
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  11. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    You are over complicating things. It vibes or it doesn't. In this case it doesn't. You seem to be grasping for something that isn't truly there and playing with her emotions at this point, which is obviously not healthy.
     
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  12. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    DING DING FUCKITY DING!

    [​IMG]
     
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  13. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    If I were you, I'd leave her be because I don't think you get along well.
     
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  14. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    So anyways, I pulled the blunt out. That got her to snap out of being avoidant and say she likes me and would love to see me, but on neutral terms. She kind of manipulated me in saying that’s what she said to me before, because she didn’t. She’s either manipulative or unable to express herself directly in a way that people will understand. You, INFJs.

    Anyways, we had something planned which I knew she would commit to and back out. It’s irritating because she could just say no and I’d be okay with it. Or she wants me take to a hint, but f that if you’re trying to be my friend and you can’t say something like that, then you’re useless to me. She wanted to play it by ear based on how her work was going.

    So it gets to the time of going out, I reach out, and not her, and she says she can’t make it for a valid reason and offers to see me on the weekend. Honestly, all of this could have been done like 7 days ago at any point. I know I could have stepped in and done it, too, but I wanted her to use her words and say it for herself. Here I am making myself open, and if you need me to hold your hand and open the door for you for everything we do including communicating, then no thanks.

    So I just declined her counter and now she’s pissed. So silly and unfortunate.
     
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  15. neko

    neko poopie head

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    yikes.
     
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  16. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Oh ya, when she came back to me she did the following:

    —I like you
    —I’d love to see you
    —I’ll stop throwing Armageddon at you (she shit tests a lot and throws heavy emotion at me)
    —Deletes her Tinder
    —Buys me a present at my favorite record label

    She’s one of those bratty sub types who plays games, and she’s also a psychologist.

    So then she comes back and says all of this was her saying she wanted to see me but not romantically. I get if you’re cautious and want to be secure, but to pull this stuff is over the line.

    I think she was pissed I was still seeing others but that could have been a conversation and we were close to being together but it never happened. And she broke it off. Like she wanted me to act like we were in a commitment when we weren’t. I actually deleted by Bumble the first go round cause I liked her that much, but came back after she broke it off. Then to use her loose language to back out, it’s offensive
     
    #16 ClevelandINTP, Jan 18, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2019
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  17. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    Sounds like you need to move onto the next. Seems like she doesn’t know what she wants and is very indecisive.

    Good thing that not every woman is like this, and try to not get discouraged; unfortunately dating is like this at times. And thing is, not every INFJ woman is like this. She seems like an unhealthy INFJ at best.

    Keep your head up and have faith. You’ll find a good woman eventually. Gotta get through all the frogs first.
     
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  18. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    Thank you for the kind words. I know I’m reacting a certain way to this because I thought she was like the one, legit. I’ve only met a few people like that, and they all turned out to go down that path. And honestly, I felt it more with her than anyone in my life, a real unique bond. And she knew it, too. Both ways.

    No, not all INFJs are like this, but I’ve met a few now, and it makes me wonder. I haven’t seen this out of any other type either
     
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  19. Skrimpshidy

    Skrimpshidy OneOneOne

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    Hmmmm

    Well, everyone is different. She may not be INFJ to be honest. Though we can be odd. This sounds like an unbalanced individual.
    Lots of people who discovered MBTI want to be the "rare" type. I dated a woman who did that.

    Keep in mind cluster B's can mimic anything! They can make you feel an instant connection too! Not saying this is the case. It's certainly a possibility. This woman definitely is showing signs. The push pull caused you to want to chase. It's all going to be a nightmare for you.

    Us INFJ can be frustrating for sure. There are many factors than just MBTI that make people who they are. So we really can't base everything off just that. However, there are what seems to me certain core traits that make up an INFJ.

    A genuine person wouldn't lead you on or use push/pull tactics to attract (trap) you. They won't try to manufacture feelings.
    Maybe an INFJ... especially the females, won't come out and tell you directly they like you. But if you show you like them and they like you, it's a very slow and direct process. We won't be talking to other people and having "interviews" so to speak. You are it!

    Even that being the case. We wonder if you like us. Even a while into dating. We may not initiate because we feel we're bothering you. Or maybe we're in isolation mode....which does happen.

    Either way, it will be without confusion, bull shit and drama.

    I can't tell you what to do. I don't know much. However, for me. I would just thank her for the time and ghost.
     
  20. OP
    ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    So I do think she’s a cluster B, and she’s even mentioned as much. She didn’t disclose her MBTI, but there was enough evidence and experience on my end to put her there...

    Scientist, sapiosexual, ends up dating people who are eccentric and have gone through hell and back, very sensitive, very reclusive, charasmatic, complex irrational emotions, has been described by others as “nice, smart, crazy”, used to others (and sensitive to) other people looking at her like she’s crazy, a hippie and nerd at heart, can pick up any small detail, dramatic and romantic, indirect with a fiery passion underneath, a dom/sub so she’s controlling, constantly in tune with the social part of things, giving me feedback and pushing me to be better, and I’m not sure what else that is other than an INFJ.

    I don’t think she was interviewing others, and she was only talking to me. Which is why I think she was upset that was my approach, but honestly, that happened after she broke it off. She wanted to be the one, and only, and I am fairly confident that’s what she was doing. Her telling me she liked me was only after she broke it off and came back. I think at that point it was fair for her to express her feelings especially because how would I know her motivations for coming back.

    The push/pull thing is annoying. This person has commitment issues and things from the past that cause it. They are nice and just want to protect themselves more than anything. They want to be secured, loved.

    It’s been quiet on both ends. I do want to connect with her over this whole thing. We have so much connection to other things, it’s not just personality and how she makes me feel. We went to the same college, go to the same church, study and work on similar things, have the same ethnic background. And we crossed paths in a random place that we are in now. I know these are coincidences, but they happen to be a lot and they are deeply rooted soul type coincidences. I do love her. So I have no idea how to get back to that point now unfortunately. Sucks
     
    #20 ClevelandINTP, Jan 29, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 29, 2019
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