Do you stick to your deal breakers? | INFJ Forum

Do you stick to your deal breakers?

Gaze

Gaze

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Sometimes, we say we have these "dealbreakers", things we won't tolerate or accept about people if we're friends, dating, or in a relationship. But how often do you hold your ground on these? Do you always stick to your deal breakers? Or do you have instances where the deal breaker didn't matter that much in the end or didn't matter anymore once you got to know the person?
 
Fug no.

And it always matters. Stick to your boundaries! Always stick to them.

(if they are within reason)
 
you bet i do.
otherwise what's the point in having them?
reminds me of a line in a movie i saw once, where the babysitter is getting overrun by the kids and says, don't make me count to three again!!
 
Not many things are deal breakers to me, but when something is, I am absolutely uncompromising.
 
I would say that I am pretty flexible. However, if my intuition tells me that something is effed up and wrong, I won't hesitate to stick to my ideals/beliefs and take appropriate action. If my intuition tells me there is something I need to understand before I decide, I will try and understand it--I will delay my judgement until I feel satisfied that I have the answers I need to make a decision.

I won't ever stay with someone who is violent in any way shape or form toward me. That is something I won't compromise on, ever.
 
not really. I think its more gray than that. It all depends on the place I have for someone in my life. There are many varying levels of involvement I will allow a person to have in my life. For girlfriends etc I tend to stick to my guns, but just because someone isn't what I would deem compatible doesn't mean I toss them away, I just put them on a different level in my life, instead of a girlfriend a girl can become an FWB or just a regular friend, or a business partner or something. In which case my deal breakers are completely different.
 
I used to see dealbreakers as non-negotiable until I realized that people aren't just a set of traits or qualities. Something that is a supposed dealbreaker earlier on may be an advantage or benefit for the relationship. I say this because I grew up with a ton of dealbreakers in mind because that's what everyone was told to expect. The "checklist" is a good one. If someone supposedly doesn't fit all the criteria or the "must haves" then supposedly they are not worth it. Some of those things on the list were superficial or a bit rigid. There are some things on the list I would definitely think would be good to have, but sometimes, you may not be able to find someone who doesn't have that particular deal breaker (of course, not including deal breakers based on abuse or other extreme issues). But I guess, in the end, it depends on the dealbreaker. What's a dealbreaker for one person is not a deal breaker for someone else. And sometimes, chemistry trumps dealbreakers. :D
 
A dealbraker for me isn't something petty or insignificant such as an SO enjoying reality TV. If I create a boundary and someone breaks it, then that means they have very little respect for me and I want nothing more to do with them.
 
Apparently it has something to do with saying "god particle" too......
 
For me there is no such thing as a set list of dealbreakers anymore. Everything is different for each situation. I used to have a few and I would stick to them, even when it seemed irrational.
I don't think I can have an open mind and on the same time have predefined dealbreakers.
 
Not nearly enough for the little things that add up to something consequential.
But yes, with the larger things I do. The decision is not set in stone, though. I think about these things before drawing a conclusion or acting on it. I am willing to be flexible but as with anything, I do try to weigh the consequences and the potential outcomes.
 
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i dont think i have any deal breakers. I used to but then they all got broken. I can choose how i respond to others actions and how they effect me. People are people and I love them. They are more than their actions and attitudes and life is made in the present with infinte possibilities. Forever in grace. But there are things that can make me lose interest or degrees of respect/admiration.
 
I'm willing to let my deal-breakers slide for awhile, but they are still important to me.
 
If there is good enough reason to re-evaluate the deal, then ofcourse I'm willing to compromise, but by no means am I a doormat. Where is the wisdom in stubbornly defending a stance that may be of little value, or obsolete, in leau of a more enlightened stance? In no way though, would that consideration be made if I don't see the possibility of it improving the situation. When the break of a boundary is service to enable vice, then it is not an option.
 
Jacobi said:
A dealbraker for me isn't something petty or insignificant such as an SO enjoying reality TV. If I create a boundary and someone breaks it, then that means they have very little respect for me and I want nothing more to do with them.
Click to expand...

You sound like my intj husband, who is a keeper, so I pay heed to his need for boundaries. Sadly though, it makes me feel like a puppet on occasion.
 
I always stand my ground unless it is more beneficial to perform a strategic withdrawal. Wouldn't be a deal breaker if you didn't stick to it. My deal breakers tend to revolve around sexually transmitted diseases, no I do not want yer damn herpes.
 
No--which I guess makes them not true dealbreakers. What I've found with these is that when one is broken, I often stick around and end up growing a lot more than I thought possible (mostly for the better).

Honesty, though... I think that might be the straw because of my need for a feeling of security. I think that I could possibly handle one breach of honesty or maybe two, but I'm certain that if I felt like there was a serious question about it, I wouldn't be able to connect with that person anymore. I need to be sure of how much I can offer someone safely in order to maintain any kind of relationship. Questions of honesty really turn into questions about whether or not I really know who that person is.

(That's what I say now, but I've said similar things about all of my past "dealbreakers" I'm sure...)
 
I understand as many have said, that dealbreakers are probably more serious than your average I won't date someone because of how they dress, etc. But I wonder if compromising on a dealbreaker makes it not a true dealbreaker? I'd love to be one of those people who can cut someone off or out of their lives if someone crosses a line, but then are things ever so simple? And again, I'm not talking about clear cases of violence or other things about someone which may cause intentional physical or emotional harm.

For example, many people probably still have the dealbreaker "I would never date someone who has been in prison" or even more controversial "i would never date someone who IS in prison". The second one most people would seem apt to agree with for seemingly understandable reasons although some say they found their soulmate in prison. The first one, some it's a matter of why that person is in prison. If they are in prison for killing someone then absolutely not. Others may say, if they did it in self defense or if they are a different person today than they were when they committed the crime, then why not?

Thoughts?
 
Zebraf301 said:
You sound like my intj husband, who is a keeper, so I pay heed to his need for boundaries. Sadly though, it makes me feel like a puppet on occasion.
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Sometimes the boundaries of an INTJ need to be crossed. For instance when an INTJ is going through a rough time and s/he refuses to talk about it, they need a little push. Of course there are certain times when you try to force it you might break the bond of trust. INTJs, like all people are complicated.

Cedar said:
I understand as many have said, that dealbreakers are probably more serious than your average I won't date someone because of how they dress, etc. But I wonder if compromising on a dealbreaker makes it not a true dealbreaker? I'd love to be one of those people who can cut someone off or out of their lives if someone crosses a line, but then are things ever so simple? And again, I'm not talking about clear cases of violence or other things about someone which may cause intentional physical or emotional harm.


Thoughts?
Click to expand...

Sometimes it is that simple. I once had a girlfriend whom I made clear to that I have huge trust issues. I confided in her and after everything I said, she still broke the promise she made to me. After that, I let her know that I wanted nothing more to do with her.
 
I'm with @Jacobi
If I walk away, I don't look back. I don't find it terribly difficult even if they haven't committed a deal breaker. I walked away from my last long term relationship (3 years) when I got confirmation he was cheating on me. I told him I wasn't the kind of woman to fight to keep someone in my life if they didn't want to be with me. I never looked back or felt bad about cutting him loose.

I find it incredibly easy to leave. I have trouble with the staying. Maybe that is the difference between Feelers and Thinkers.
 
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