Do you need a "struggle" partner? | INFJ Forum

Do you need a "struggle" partner?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Feb 25, 2019.

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  1. Gaze

    Gaze My word . . . hmm
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    Is it important to you to have a partner who's struggled or been through things to feel they are compatible? Do you prefer if they have similar life experiences or been through similar difficulties as you to feel you can relate better? Have you had positive experiences always with a partner who's shared the same difficulties or experiences or do you sometimes find it easier or better to be with someone who has a potentially blank slate, and hasn't had to deal with these experiences? If it depends on the type of experience you prefer them to have, which experiences are necessary for you to feel the person would make a good partner? Does age or generational differences play any role?
     
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  2. Fidicen

    Fidicen Community Member

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    No, I don't think it's important. What's important is that the partner has compassion and understanding. People who have struggled may have reacted to it differently, developing different personality traits. Some of them become more understanding while others get so wrapped up in their own problems that they're unable to see those of others. And so even similar struggles are not always an indication of a compassionate attitude.

    Also, I'm not sure if I've ever truly known people who've never had to struggle. We all get our share of hardships in the end. Such people may exist, but they're rare. And since people adapt to their environment, any changes to it can cause a crisis. First world problems still do feel like problems, even if from one perspective they're not problems at all, so I imagine even the very affluent would say they've had to struggle. The important thing is that we both are capable of understanding each other's pains as valid, even if we come from different backgrounds. Sometimes cultural or class distinctions make this difficult.

    Generational differences may play some role, but they're more about the changing values in a society rather than different struggles. There's of course correlation between the two, possibly causation as well. It's a slow process and usually the age gap in a relationship isn't so big that it would make a difference. And even then values are highly individual, so the effect of age is rather just a tendency to think in a certain way about some things like sexuality or the job market.
     
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  3. Pin

    Pin "Magnificent Bastard" / Ren's Counterpart

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    Yes, a soft person who's never struggled will never know the true weight of achievement or the value of a dollar.

    Yeah, especially for long-term relationships.

    I've never really been in love. I think it's bound to happen eventually but I don't put more weight in the feeling than I do sense.

    1) What it's like to suffer profoundly.
    2) What it's like to face fear.
    3) What it's like to win.

    Yeah, most men and women in my generation have a high regard for social-media in some respect. We've become intolerant of delay, the pressure of which makes diamonds.

    Side-note: I tend not to express frustration in public and prefer a more personal outlet for my emotions.
     
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  4. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    I have put some thought into this over the years.
    I think what is mainly important is that each person has people in their life who can relate in ways that are meaningful.
    Your significant other should relate to some of those things.
    One person can't carry all of them, it's too heavy a burden.

    My gf and I do relate to "struggling" as a generality in a similar way, but the ways in which we have struggled are wholly different.
    So that's probably a good facet of relating to aim for. It's not so much the how or the why, but the emotions felt.
     
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  5. JennyDaniella

    JennyDaniella Stargazer

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    No. What matters to me is the inner attributes of the person; that they are kind, loving, and humble. I suppose it is nice to have someone you can relate to in terms of hardships and struggles, however; I think what is most important is that despite what route/experiences your partner has gone through; they are a good person and treat you and others with compassion and respect.

    There are other aspects besides hardships where you can have that mutual understanding between you and your partner. And even if the other person didn't have the same degree of struggles, you can both share the uniqueness and beauty of your stories and the journey they took and went through to become the person they are now. It is a meaningful and beautiful interaction and bond getting to know the person, their past, and how they came to be.
     
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  6. charlatan

    charlatan Community Member

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    As others have said, I care about their more intrinsic attributes, and am very flexible on their life experiences.

    In general, while it is not the same for someone to understand something intellectually and to experience it, if the experience isn't intrinsically valuable somehow, I don't care as long as they have an understanding of whatever I'm going through.
    And intellectual/objective vs subjective/experiential understanding can always be communicated.
    A super-kind person who is willing to hear me out and understand my situation is absolutely just as good as someone who is super-kind and happens to have actually been through the same situation.

    I'm sure someone who cares will listen and try to understand my situation.
     
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  7. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I’ve had an INFJ tell me once they tended to date people who have been through tough times and struggled. Their reasoning is because that builds empathy which is relatable and valued by the INFJ

    I’d buy that
     
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  8. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    Sounds like an ignorant way/reason to enter a relationship
     
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  9. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    It's more important that both people in the relationship have empathy for each other and support each other's wellness.
     
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  10. Wyote

    Wyote Con Risa Absoluta
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    Indeed
     
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  11. ClevelandINTP

    ClevelandINTP Community Member

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    I don’t think it was intentional—it’s just what they learned afterwards
     
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