Do you ever feel guilty about expressing your needs? | INFJ Forum

Do you ever feel guilty about expressing your needs?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 9, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    Do you ever feel guilty about expressing your needs? Why? How do you go about it?



    Keep it PG rated. Please, and thanx ;)
     
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  2. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I used to.
    I was a beat dog in a past life.
    It's not a problem anymore mostly because I surround myself with people who don't encourage me to feel guilty and ashamed for wanting or needing certain things.
    My demands are within reason. So I trust that about myself, now.
     
  3. middle1

    middle1 Hellur

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    Yes because I don't outright express them. I beat around the bush until a lightbulb flashes in somebody's head. And sometimes I assume that people should just know what I need. I know that's not right but its my learned method to avoid admitting I need help.
     
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  4. middle1

    middle1 Hellur

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    Aha! Ephiphany! Thanks acd :mhula:
     
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  5. OP
    Gaze

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    Awesome!
     
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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  7. Flavus Aquila

    Flavus Aquila Finding My Place in the Sun
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    Three types of expressing need:

    1. Non-contructive: some kinds of complaining, whining, moaning - I seldom engage in this kind of sounding-out, because it only causes more problems.

    2. Relational: I'll occasionally communicate in the most minimal of visual/auditory ques to people I trust, that I need some space, company, etc. If anyone is too crass to pick up the subtle ques, I have learnt that they won't be of much comfort.

    3. Constructive/Practical: What I think is the best way to express a need, is to set about fulfilling it. If I need company I'll invite people over, or arange a dinner out, etc. If I need to be alone, I'll go to my house. If I need to be understood, I'll explain myself, etc.


    edit: I just realised I miss-read the question.....

    I feel guilty after I have expressed needs in a non-constructive way, because ultimately it is destructive: it just drags other people into my problems.

    I am usually embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I need support/company to others. I don't know why - I'm too proud I guess.

    I am not ashamed or embarrassed about expressing my needs in a constructive way - in fact I get a little pleasure or satisfaction from having avoided bitching/moaning.
     
    #7 Flavus Aquila, Jul 9, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2010
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  8. aeon

    aeon Ooh, a bunny!
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    That describes me, but I'll make one change to make it fit better:

    "So I trust that about myself, most of the time."


    cheers,
    Ian
     
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  9. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    Aah, nice dichotomies. :)

    This. This.

    I'm afraid because aside from above reasons. I realized my 'needs' are somewhat different in some aspects from most others, and then that means potential source of conflict (just...now I was having a disagreement with my sisters about me not wanting to go out), which won't fulfill my needs, but give another source of frustration instead.

    Simply said, I'm too proud to admit -and- to bow down, I guess.
     
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  10. flowerz

    flowerz Newbie

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    I don't feel guilty, because I don't think I ask for anything extreme, but it causes me a lot of anxiety in romantic relationships, because so many of the men I've dated in recent years are unable or unwilling to provide basic needs. And often I am misunderstood, despite my best attempts to be properly understood. I get hurt, frustrated, etc., and my partner gets defensive for some reason and withdraws even further. Unfortunately due to some of these failures I am more anxious now and the guy picks up on my anxiety and it makes things more tense. Even if I try to explain to him calmly "sorry, this is tough for me, I had some bad experiences before" it doesn't seem to help. They just hear "baggage! baggage! run!" Negative feedback loop, I guess.

    I think I am pretty good at responding to a partner's needs, if they communicate the needs well and are dedicated to the relationship. I think the problem becomes that they're not dedicated to the relationship because in their eyes not everything is perfect: if I need something from them, then they think they're not making me happy and will NEVER make me happy, so rather than just give me what I need they bail. "Why force it?" Is their thinking.

    My family and girlfriends don't react this way, thankfully.
     
  11. Skathac

    Skathac <font color=#27A601>Community Member</font>

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    I've been made to feel guilty in the past for expressing my needs, so I try to stay far away from manipulators. If I feel like I NEED something, then I need it, don't see why I should feel guilty about needing anything. While in a relationship I place the needs of my lady first, obviously there are situations that just destroy any possibility of quality time...but these should seriously be few and far between, if they aren't then I tend to do a reassessment of priorities.
     
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  12. flowerz

    flowerz Newbie

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    Can you clone yourself please? :p
     
  13. Detective Conan

    Detective Conan Doesn't Cast Shadows

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    I don't naturally feel guilty about expressing my needs. It's when people get involved that the guilt usually arises.
     
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  14. Skathac

    Skathac <font color=#27A601>Community Member</font>

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    I am single, just not an economically viable partner at the moment.

    Edit: On further reflection cloning myself could result in terrible consequences. I saw Moon with Sam Rockford and it made me very leery of the idea.
     
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    #14 Skathac, Jul 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
  15. Roger

    Roger ...

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    Yes, i do. But sometimes i ask because if you don't speak then how can anyone know about what do you want?
     
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