Do mothers love more than fathers? | INFJ Forum

Do mothers love more than fathers?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by xit, Jun 27, 2017.

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  1. xit

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    We seem to have this bias in our culture or world that mothers are better than fathers? Why? Do mothers love more than fathers? Or is it that fathers and mothers have different things to offer or love differently? Mothers get more love and attention on Mother's Day than fathers on Father's Day.


    Apart from biological fact that mothers carry children, is it ever fair to say that mothers make better parents than fathers?
     
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  2. infinite dreams

    infinite dreams Community Member

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    A lot to chew on here. Note that my comments are skewed toward "traditional" male/female parent relationships since I believe that was the intent of the question.

    I think it's safe to say there are in fact more deadbeat fathers out there than there are mothers. I also believe that generally speaking, mothers spend more time and effort learning, practicing and perfecting the craft of directly caring for their children's needs. Both of these factors likely have some evolutionary basis. I would say that these strongly contribute to the societal bias toward mothers that you describe. There are norms present in certain cultures that enhance this view as well, e.g. cultures where the mother figure is revered by all members of the family as a matter of course.

    That said, I don't know if it's fair to say mothers are inherently better at parenting than fathers. There are a ton of fantastic dads out there along with a lot of shitty moms (and vice versa). It's also important to note that individual children have different needs (emotional, psychological, spiritual, etc.) that one parent or the other may be more likely to satisfactorily meet. So it's very possible for a child to develop a closer relationship with, and even feel more loved by, the parent who provided a lesser portion of their actual caretaking.
     
  3. Milktoast Bandit

    Milktoast Bandit Voodoo whack puppet

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    In my fam, I am the one that provides guidance, emotional and psychological support to my kids. They come to me when they want hugs, to play, or want to talk. I have strong emotional bonds with all my kids. They have no doubt that I love them and they can count on me to be available to them for anything. They have a secure attachment to me. The same cannot be said for their mother. And that's that!
     
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  4. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    I know this sounds inhuman and basically unworkable, but I really strongly believe that people who have personality disorders shouldn't be allowed to have children because of the huge damage that they cause their offspring. My mother is a case in point. One of my earliest memories as a child is of my mother pointing her finger in my face and haranguing me, telling me how stupid, bad and selfish I was. I grew up without a father, so it was tough to say the least.
     
    #4 Littlelissa, Jun 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2017
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  5. Stu

    Stu Mr. Heartbreak
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    You seem to be arguing for your non-existence.

    I always tell young fathers to be not to worry, the mothers take care of everything. That said I was hands on from the moment my daughters were born, infact my wife had to get stern with me to let her wash our first born. As they got older I definitely am less cuddly and less emotionally involved but they have repeatedly said that they like that I am more steady and less emotional, especially on days like today were I was the one to take them to the airport for their 2 week service learning/yoga/surfing trip to Nicaragua .
     
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  6. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    Lol!
     
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  7. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    It doesn't seem right when there are parents in the world who shout at, abuse, disrespect and disregard their kids and there are people like me who have none.

    Every time I hear my neighbour screaming and wailing at her kids I feel angry and sick.
     
  8. Stu

    Stu Mr. Heartbreak
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    This is a very interesting point, there are many many thoughtful loving and nurturing individuals out there who would make great parents but for one reason or another never enter into a longterm relationship that bears children, then on the other hand there are tons and tons of people who are whack a doodle who marry (or not) and crank out kids they are unprepared to care for. In fact it might be that more children are born to those who "shouldn't" have kids than to those who "should".

    So it brings up an anthropological-evolutionary aspect to where we have come from and where we are going.
     
  9. selcouth

    selcouth Community Member

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    Well, there are actually numerous studies out there that evaluate the importance of maternal bond with infants and the impact it can have on their well being later in life. Healthy bonds can boost immunity, therefore preventing diseases and also can increase IQ. Breastfeeding especially can create a strong emotional and psychological response because of the release of Oxytocin, or the "love hormone". There are actually benefits for both mom and baby if the woman is stable and able to provide that level of nurturing.

    I've seen personally the effects of bad mothering versus the effects of poor fathering. I believe the emotional trauma of a neglectful mother could potentially carry more weight. That's not to say that a child can thrive on only a mothers love. I believe it's important for them to have both in order to form healthy relationships with people as adults.

    Maybe it's because I'm a mother myself and my daughter knew only me when she arrived into this world, but our bond exceeds the basics. I spent all 9 months preparing for her in therapy, reading multiple books and working on improving myself in order to give her the things I didn't receive as a child. It's always sad to me when a mother doesn't form a maternal attachment or undying urge to protect and provide for her offspring. Kudos to the fathers out there who not only are great in their role, but also pick up the slack for women in a role that should sort of be second nature once pregnant.
     
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  10. Littlelissa

    Littlelissa Well-known member

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    Good point, also as raised by @selcouth. We need to pay a lot more attention to how kids grow up. Parenting support, and everything you can think of that affects families lives,- like wealth / poverty, child care and health and education. It pays to invest in society, as the way the kids grow up will, in the long term, generate more wealth, growth and happiness (emotional and economic) or the reverse, depending on what kind of start they have, and what kind of society we have.

    Also it's an important point that the dysfunctions in families (at a micro level) tend to keep repeating down the generations (without help of intervention). Therefore the human cost of getting things wrong is immense.
     
    #10 Littlelissa, Jun 28, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2017
  11. James

    James Is this the Library ?
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    I think that bias exists for a reason, as there are unfortunately a lot of fathers who do "make for the hills" and leave the mother to take care of the children. Being a parent is hard work. If you mean to do it properly, ie be there for them, care for them and make them your priority. It depends on the individual person.

    I think with my ex, she enjoyed the fun parts, showing her kids off to others etc, but skipped out of the "oh look one of the boys threw up" parts. Not all women have strong maternal instincts. I used to find my ex's harsh and aggressive way of dealing with them very hard to take. Especially when it was undeserved, and just her failing to manage her temper.

    So I think it's just the individual nature of the parents, whatever gender.
     
  12. MrSquared

    MrSquared Well-known member

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    I wouldn't say more...just differently as compared to their counterpart.
     
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  13. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    This is exactly what I was going to say. It's different.

    When I had my son, it opened up an intense new world. But I can't say that I love him any more than his father does. I may fret over him more, but I also spent almost 9 months carrying him and obsessing over being healthy for him.
     
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  14. MrSquared

    MrSquared Well-known member

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    Well said.

    I think about it in terms of...would you be willing to die for your child if they were in danger? Any true parent (father or mother) would seek to protect their child's life.
     
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  15. Pin

    Pin Well-known member

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    It depends on what the data indicates and what the metric for "better" is.
     
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  16. the

    the Si master race.

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    Some do and some don't.
     
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  17. Pin

    Pin Well-known member

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    Exactly.
     
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  18. Dani

    Dani Newbie

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    Forgive me when I say do not believe this is a fair question. As parents, (and I speak with the traditional male and female partners in mind) I believe the husband and wife fight together to help their children learn and progress in life. Of course, the children may have their own preference according to which parent they get along with better, but there should still be a balance between the parents. In this day and age, and I know I can not be alone on this opinion, I feel that people make too many seemingly harmless jokes about men running away the moment they learn their mistress, girlfriend or wife is pregnant with their child. I know that popular reaction also causes many people to lean toward the mother for the question "Who tends to love their children more?"
    Still, there are plenty of people that will lean toward fathers because they take them to do things that are seen as peaceful or against the modern world, such as fishing, hunting, or some other activity. Not to mention we have proven time and time again that mothers run away, too. Or they abuse their kids, too. Or anything else, too.
    Because technology has provided a way for everyone's opinions to be heard and questions to be asked, we have been seeing more and more complaints about parents. They are dramatic, unfair, we hate them. They are hypocrites, old, and never do anything right. If we began to show more respect for our mothers, who often take us by the hand and teach us how to stand up for ourselves, to believe and have faith in what seems impossible, and our fathers, who pat us on the back, tease us and teach us to be strong, the human race would be infinitely stronger.
    But as to answer the oringinal question, this is one of those things that must be perfect and have balance, without being perfect. Parents are who they are, and they can not protect us from papercuts and they can't read our minds. They are unperfect, which makes them relatable and us more likely to become amazing parents, too. But both the man and woman must be there, loving their children with all their hearts, with that complete perfection in them and the total balance between them.
    I speak without handicapped parent(s), sick parent (s), or other tragedies in mind. But this is a paradox. Think about it.
     
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  19. Wyote

    Wyote Humanistic Reductionist
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    Yes

    In a general sense no. In a circumstantial sense sure, though the opposite could also be said.
     
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  20. ruji

    ruji Well-known member

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